Habitually turn on the phone, three o'clock, it's three o'clock again, I don't like this time, because every night wakes up is this point, I was surprised by the body's biological clock, it is really more punctual than the alarm clock, it is difficult to fall asleep after waking up, the feeling of wanting to sleep, thousands of thoughts, dizziness can make people crazy, but I don't want to take medicine, afraid of dependence. Pen "Fun" Pavilion www.biquge.info

My name is Xuman, 24 years old this year, the year of my birth, all say that there will be many major events in life in the year of life, it is a year of ups and downs, ups and downs, in the folk is very important, to wear red underwear, tie a red belt to ward off evil spirits and pray for blessings, I didn't believe in these, but in my natal year, my life has undergone earth-shaking changes, life and death parting, love bankruptcy, personal economic crisis, I seem to have fallen into the bottom of life, like a boat floating in the sea of life that has lost its sail, and will be drowned by the wind and waves at any time, But he had to survive alone.

Fortunately, I graduated from college, and I can finally take on my life mission, no matter what fate gives me, I have to face it directly.

But sometimes, especially in such a quiet night, I often feel lonely and vulnerable, and I feel that I can't bear it, especially the heavy sense of guilt, I don't believe in religion, but I know that the Bible says that every one of us in the world is a sinful person, I don't know anyone else, but I know me - the one who carries the heavy guilt forward! I have no chance of repentance and redemption for these deep sins, and my soul cannot be redeemed, and I can only be whipped by my conscience again and again in such a quiet night.

What have I done?!

I hurt my family deeply, but none of them blamed me, as if they were using their generosity to consider my paranoia, and when I tried to redeem it, I found that I had no chance anymore, only to dream again and again......

And then my soul was condemned to sin for perpetuity......

****************************

My father was gone, walking in a snowy night, and that day, in the only remaining shop in the family, I was still putting on a face for him, for no reason, maybe because I hated him? Yes, I hate him, I hate him for breaking my true love with such hatred, and since then our relationship has fallen to a freezing point, and there has been no relaxation......

Until the afternoon of the day he left, I was still talking coldly to him, refusing to say a word to him, at that time I was like two people in confrontation, one wanted to yell at my father, and the other tried my best to remind myself that I could not be unreasonable to my father, but the anger in my heart was like a demonic fire that could not be hidden, under my own deliberate suppression, there was no eruption as fierce, but it showed more hurtful indifference and disgust.

I still can't forget the sadness, helplessness, loss and faint sigh when my father walked out of the store early, and in the face of my bad attitude, he just said softly: "I'll go home first."

At that moment, my heart twitched inexplicably, in fact, at that time, I wanted him to accuse me of disrespect and willfulness, and my emotions wanted to explode, but I didn't seem to vent it.

I also wanted to keep him in my heart and let him not go, because only I knew that I was deeply dependent on my father in an indifferent attitude, and my father's pampering of me was far better than that of my brother since I was a child.

But for some reason, in this deep love, my heart knot still couldn't be opened, and I still just said an indifferent "um", and at that time I was actually hating my attitude towards my father very, very much in my heart.

But the inner split personality did not allow himself to make such an action, but when I saw my father's departure, I felt a thousand pains in my heart, and I didn't expect that my indifferent "um" would become my farewell to my father and my eternal hatred for myself!

Maybe if he stopped his father at that time, coquetted him as before, told him not to leave, told himself that he was just in a bad mood, nothing would happen later, and he would not leave this world, but he was like a demon, and he couldn't let his attitude soften, even though he knew his fault! Still watching him go indifferently! Embarked on a road of no return. I think my father must have had an accident after dinner with friends because of my depressed attitude and unhappy attitude!

It's me! It was I, the executioner, who personally killed my own father!

****************************

My father is gone, the most important person in my life is gone, and it is like draining a part of my soul, but I seem to feel a cold and smug and cruel smile in my soul, which is a devil's laugh.

The death of my father made me fall into the abyss of pain in my hatred of myself, and my personality became more and more strange and distorted, in this pain, I wanted to escape, I wanted to be free, but there was no way to escape, every part of my life seemed to have the shadow of my father, he still smiled at me so dotingly, at most he would pat me on the head and say, "This Nizi!" "To blame.

In my dreams, I hope that my father can come back again, so that I can have a chance to redeem it, but when I woke up, the reality cruelly told me, "Your father is gone, you will never be forgiven by him again, you can no longer see his smile, and at the end of your memory, all you can freeze can only be your father's sadness and loss because of you." ”

I finally knew,

My beloved father,

gave me the heaviest punishment,

Let me be tormented by remorse day and night!

****************************

I am a paranoid person, paranoid to the point that my heart is as cold as ice, so paranoid that I will push myself into a corner for a trivial matter, maybe when my love is buried in the grave, I am already a heartless person!

In the agony of my father's death, I felt like I was crazy, and I was irritable with everyone in my family as if they owed me something.

But I'm good to others.

The closer people I am, the more I hurt, and I think my brain must have been rusty.

I gave the most vicious side to myself and to my beloved family!

I don't know if I'm punishing myself or my beloved family, I feel like I'm more of a madman.

And my brother was the first to bear the brunt of my anger!

I feel like he's the one who deserves more pain than I do!

Maybe none of this would have happened if it hadn't been for him!

The source of the father's pain should be him!

Finally, one day, I shouted at Xu Hao, my only brother: "You killed my father, it was you, you accidentally bankrupted the company, left the family in debt, and let my father bear what he couldn't carry!" Let him die so desolately, it's all you! ”

I yelled at my only brother like a devil, God, I can't even imagine how I could have uttered words more lethal than a blade, I knew the pain and weakness in his heart, and I pierced it with an invisible sword, feeling the trembling and pain of his soul, and seeing his soul dripping blood day and night!

But seeing him in pain, I still can't get rid of it, I am even more painful, and every loved one in my family seems to have become a source of pain for me.

But I heard a terrible and terrible laugh in my heart, and I even thought it was the bloody laugh of pleasure after my revenge!