In 2016, Lemy Kylmister, the lead singer and bassist of the veteran British heavy metal band "Motorhead", died at the age of 70 after decades of being a rock 'n' roll veteran. Pen, fun, pavilion www. biquge。 Info famously said in his autobiography "Whitelinefever": "People don't get better just because they die; It's just wishful thinking on your part. A bastard is still a bastard when he dies, but he has become a dead old bastard! ”

The English poet Browning said, "Forty is the twilight of youth, and fifty is the twilight of youth." Unconsciously, I was standing in the twilight of my youth. Looking back at the lost youth, the mood is extremely complicated. It seems that so many years have passed inadvertently. According to the old saying in my hometown: if you are not tall, you are short, and if you are not rich at forty, you are poor. So at our age, it's basically stereotyped.

When I say here that I am standing in the twilight years of my youth, I am counting according to the twilight years I still have. Thinking about the old days, it's really like a cloud of smoke. In these 40-year-old years, it is necessary for me to look back, summarize the road I have taken, and take stock of my gains. As I said earlier, it is not easy for a person to live to be three, thirty, or one hundred years old in this world of many disasters. As for the phonology and phonology Qian Xuantong said: People should die at the age of 40, and if they don't die, they must be shot. I don't know what he was thinking about.

Over 40 years have passed, and my career has not been successful – or even what my career is, and what I am fighting for, is not clear. I'm like an animal that grows up in the wilderness, running around all the time to survive, and I still don't have a stable unit, a stable job. My goal is very unclear compared to those who swore to be a scientist and a celebrity at a young age, and have now achieved fame. I used to want to be a writer, I used to want to be a bureaucrat, but these ambitions were all consumed in the hardships of life.

In my 40s, my wealth has not grown – or even decreased – and I have not saved a penny but a debt that I haunt every day. And I know that now, I still can't make ends meet. In the face of those who take hundreds of thousands or millions of annual salaries at every turn, I can't help but look up to the sky and sigh. Not to mention, those who are the same age, education, and level as themselves have found comfortable jobs and earned a reasonable income because of good opportunities. And as they grow older and their knowledge ages, the young people who are just starting out are already far ahead in terms of income, which makes them feel depressed like never before.

In my 40s, I didn't have any health. It stands to reason that the 40s were back then, an era when you could tie the tiger in the mountains and catch the dragon in the sea, but you were not old and decrepit, and now you have become disabled, and there is nothing sadder than this. Looking at those young people who are alive and well, looking at those middle-aged people who are strong and strong, and looking at those elderly people who are full of energy, I feel that I am a waste, not to mention making more money while I am young, I am afraid that I will accidentally become a drag on my family. It is indeed frightening for a poor person to have no capital for health.

Over 40 years later, I still don't have a real home. What is home? It's a house with a pig under it. But where is my house? I have struggled for decades, but I have not been able to catch up with the changes in housing prices, and I am still a "house slave". Looking at the people around me, living in buildings and villas, and using the extra money to buy a few apartments for rent, I feel that I am really living too poorly. At the time of writing this article, the country was macro-regulating the crazy growth of housing prices, but in the face of this astronomical property price, I sighed.

That's enough! I don't want to look back! Such a failed life makes me more and more desperate the more I look at it. I don't know how difficult a life awaits me as my children grow up, as I and my elders grow older. Still, those philosophers have steered us to look ahead and have confidence in the future, so I have fantasized about my future countless times – but what miracles can I hope for for someone with such a background and such a life situation? Will I fantasize about a sudden recovery? I would fantasize that tomorrow a letter of appointment will come down and I will be appointed as the Commissioner of Transport. Can I imagine that tomorrow I buy a lottery ticket, a jackpot falls from the sky, and I win 5 million? Can I imagine that tomorrow there will be a rich sister who will throw herself into my arms with a pockmarked face and stuff me with 10 million? No!

It's just a wish, and I don't know if it's going to come true. In September 2007, I flew from Wuhan to Shenzhen, and in the air, the plane encountered air currents, which were very turbulent, and the plane went up and down, and I was very afraid of people. Because Mr. Zhu was taking the plane for the second time, his palms were sweaty, and his feet were weak, his thoughts became complicated: What should I do if the plane fell like this? And then I thought a lot, a lot. It is true that if you fall off the plane, you will be left with endless grief for your family. What's more serious is that once the pillar of the family collapses, it will bring a deep disaster to a family.

Afterwards, when I told a friend who was just as miserable as I was, he clapped his hands and shouted: "Falling off the plane? That's great! In fact, this is the best, small people like us, who are always struggling in life, even if they struggle to the age of 100, they can't bring a rich life to their families, and if they fall, they can also get a compensation to their families, so that they can live a slightly calmer life. If you get sick and accidentally kill someone by mistake, then it's troublesome, because you don't get a penny of subsidies, and that's what brings endless disasters to the family.

Indeed, compared to those big money, celebrities, no matter how they die, no matter how they die, it is not worth it, because there is a dam of wealth waiting for them to enjoy. The mother of a friend of mine, 62 years old, was sick and hospitalized, and the lights went out when she ran out of oil, but she did not die, and she was in a coma for a year. So, here, I authorize every reader who buys my book that you have the right, or the duty, to choke me by the neck until I am out of breath if I am in such a situation that I am in a coma for more than 48 hours, and you have no responsibility. At that time, even though I may not be conscious, I still have to squeeze a sentence out of your throat: Thank you!

If you have to, let me go.

Once, a few of our journalist friends got together and talked about the topic of "death" - we had never talked about it so unscrupulously, and perhaps we were all tormented too deeply in a hopeless life, and we all felt so desperate. In May 1994, Kevin Carter, a South African photojournalist who won the Pulitzer Award for Excellence in Photography, committed suicide two months later at the age of 33: too much pain and too little joy in life. Classmate Li said, I hope that when I was 70 years old, I was shot in the back by two jealous women. And one playboy said that I would like to have a big drink on a sunny autumn day when I turn 70, and then find a sexy woman to have sex with, and when the climax comes, I will die of anger! Q me how? I said, let it be, everything is up to fate, if Mr. Zhu Zhi dies, it will be "under the nine springs, there is another talent". Everyone clapped their hands and laughed, and drained the beer in front of them.

Perhaps I should not dwell too much on the issue of life and death here, such a topic is too heavy and does not conform to the principles of this book. What's more, according to the ancient saying, this is also a bit of a taboo, and some words will really be said if they are not good. The famous writer Zheng Zhenduo chatted with his friend Liu **** one day and asked Liu ****: "Do you know how people die the happiest?" Liu **** had no answer. Zhenduo said: "It is better for people to fall off the plane and die the happiest death." Unexpectedly, on October 17, 1958, Zheng Zhenduo led a Chinese cultural delegation to Afghanistan and died in a plane crash at the age of 61. Isn't it a little scary?

Looking to my future, I was really lost. But there is a saying that goes like this: there is hope in life. It's really a nonsense philosophical saying, deep in Zen, but not everyone can understand it. After Mr. Zhu "died" once, he was deeply touched. Although I don't see any hope now, I still hope that one day I will be able to run from time to time, and when I am so bad luck that I even eat tofu and break my big teeth, I find that it is a priceless gem that has broken my big teeth! If it doesn't happen tomorrow, then I'll wait the day after tomorrow; If I can't wait until I'm 40 years old, then I'll wait until I'm 50 years old; If I can't wait for 50 years old, then I'll wait until I'm 60 or 70 years old! The song in "Kangxi Dynasty": "I really want to live another 100 years", then I said, I really want to live to 100 years! Until you wait.