"Fatty. Do you change your pants every few days? The old guy actually pinched his nose with his hand and pointed at me.

"Cut." I shook my middle finger at the old guy in a chic manner, and then looked at the speckled pants, and I decided to change the pants and talk to the old guy again.

"Old fellow. Am I particularly handsome after losing weight? Is there an air of tyranny? No, is there a sense of elegance, sir, I'm a cultural person. "I changed my clothes and my face was incredible, and I still can't believe it's true. His grandmother's, I actually lost weight.

"Fatty, sit down. Don't get excited. The old fellow's expression always seemed to be a little underwhelmed.

"The master is thin. So far, there is only one place in my body that I don't care if you are fat. ”

"Grandpa knows, you kid is thick-skinned." The old guy gave me a disdainful look and continued, "By the way, you can only lose weight for five minutes. In other words, after five minutes, there is only one part of your body that can be described as thin. After saying this, it was hard for me to understand why the old guy smiled at my crotch very meaningfully, his face full of obscenity.

"Five minutes?" I jumped up, and thirty seconds later, while beating the old guy on the back, I said very flatteringly: "Grandpa, I want to believe that you are always a fairy." You don't care about villains a lot, your grandson and I are actually a kind man with a knife mouth and a tofu heart, I don't have any other advantages, just helpful, honest, kind and reliable. Grandpa, take a look, can you make me lose weight for another 500 years, 50 years? "I looked at the old guy with anticipation.

From the old guy's sneering expression, I understood what extravagant hope was. I had no choice but to stretch out five fingers pitifully: "Grandpa, do you think it is feasible for five years?" ”

I gritted my teeth and continued: "Five months. "I've already thought about it, although five months is a little shorter, but I should be able to soak a girl and cool off first, anyway, say goodbye to my twenty-six years of virgin body.

"You're actually eating peaches. That peach is actually a peach, but this is the latest variety in the peach orchard, and after eating, it will make people's bodies change in the opposite way, such as tall to short, thin to fat. Grandpa was originally going to make you a little fatter, but who knew you didn't need it anymore. Luckily, only five minutes. The old guy had a smug expression on his face, pursed his lips and continued: "Grandson, don't blame grandpa for not reminding him, just say it for three minutes, hurry up and take a few selfies." The effect is more realistic and natural than the beautiful picture. ”

"Pat your sister. The master thought about it, the master still likes his former self, at least the master I am stable and heavy. "Although I really want to lose weight, it is clear that there is no impossibility, and in fact, there is no reason to forget it. There may also be a reason, that is, I have lost weight many times in my dreams.

"Go. Buy a pack of cigarettes and go. The old guy took a sip of tea from his cup and said to me with a spit of tea leaves.

"Tell me, old fellow, who the hell are you?" I tore open the cigarette case and handed the old guy a cigarette.

"Grandpa, I'm a ...... of Yuzhou," the old guy looked angry.

I quickly waved my hand to interrupt the old guy, and then asked, "Is it the one who recruited Brother An Monkey in Journey to the West, and is it the ......one who looks like Zhu Bajie in the bright spring?"

"Yes." The old guy gritted his teeth and answered first.

I took a puff of my cigarette and gave the old guy a look that could continue. opened his mouth and said, "Tell me, what are you looking for me?" ”

"Here's the thing, on March 3, the Queen Mother held a peach conference to feast all the gods......"

"That's right. You just said that your front teeth were dropped by eating walnuts? And I ate your peach, in addition to physical changes, is there any other effect, such as immortality and the like? "I suddenly thought of these two questions that haunted my mind, as for the Pan Tao Conference, I knew that it was far away from me.

The old guy was probably talking about sex, but I interrupted him, pointed at me with some indignation, and took a long breath. This move makes me feel that the heart of the gods is not necessarily good.

I looked like I wouldn't talk if you didn't answer, and the old guy finally had to let go of his hand, sat down and said, "It's a fairy walnut." The peach you eat also has some effects, nourishing yin and nourishing the intestines, moistening the intestines and quenching thirst. ”

"Damn. You're kidding me. My mountain peach also has these effects. Then to change the question, the fairy walnuts you eat may increase mana? ”

"Fairy walnut. It is a walnut that grows in a place called Xianren Mountain. Lao Jun passed by when he was in the lower realm and picked a few. Everything in Heavenly Court is good, but those fruits taste tasteless. It's just like the fruit in your greenhouse, so grandpa, I greedily ate two walnuts, not to mention the small, but the shell is still hard and can't be bitten. Grandpa, my teeth just cracked. The old fellow said, touching an apple on my table for some unknown time and nibbling on it.

"Uncle's. Fairy walnuts? Isn't it just hickory? "I really don't understand, you say a fairy, just a walnut is called a fairy walnut?

"Shut up. Do you believe it or not, grandpa can turn you into a woman? "The old guy is a little hot.

"Yes. Get. The gods are powerful, you keep saying, what will happen to the peach? "An immortal, he doesn't know how to restrain his temper, and he doesn't know where the immortal's qi cultivation kung fu has gone.

"The peach will feast on the gods. To put it simply, when the peach meeting is about to be held, the latest varieties of peach ripe and ready to be picked in the peach orchard are gone. The matter of throwing peaches, except for the time when Sun Wukong was born, has never appeared again, and this time, the peach in the peach orchard was obviously caused to fall by a strange energy. After a clairvoyant inspection, he could only see a little golden light in the mortal world, and the specific location remains to be traced. Lao Dao, I came down to earth to find Pan Tao, and you, as the agent of the Heavenly Court in the mortal world, the Jade Emperor, including all the immortals, unanimously believed that this matter also needed you to come forward to investigate. ”

"Wait. Mortal agents? You're saying I'm an informant? Damn, my part-time job is at most an insurance agent. ”

"Mortal agents. To put it simply, a person who was originally an immortal, for some reason or violated the rules of heaven, causing him to be demoted to a mortal. Generally speaking, such people automatically become the agents of the Heavenly Court in the mortal world. If you want to restore the immortal status, generally speaking, the degraded immortal must make one hundred and eight large and small merits before the immortal status can be restored. Of course, if you have not committed a mistake such as killing or other crimes during your mortal life, and you have not violated the laws of the mortal world, you can also automatically restore your immortal status after being reincarnated in ten lifetimes. ”

"Who were the former agents of the mortal world?"

"There are too many, and there is Zhao Gongming far away. Nearby, there is Lan Caihe in the Eight Immortals. Before Zhao Gongming became an immortal, he eliminated the plague and cut malaria, went to the disease and disaster, bought and sold to seek wealth, and made it profitable, which had some merits. The blue boy was lucky, before and after the tenth life, it was basically like that, and then he was brought back by them. ”

"Don't talk about that useless. Tell me about those who didn't go back since. The master didn't believe it, and went back. "I understand very well, the old guy is inducing me, the gods have actually found it, think about it with your ass, you know that things must be difficult to do, and you are not afraid of being difficult, but the key may be fatal. I pondered for a while that I would have to ask the old guy if the agent died in the line of duty, and he could restore his immortal status.

"That, that's more. Yesterday another one came down. The general of Nantianmen dozed off while on duty and was touched by Shangguan. There are many of them, there were a lot of them before, basically there were mistakes in the work, and there were also stealing food that was discovered, and there were a few landlords, and they were fined five at a time. This category basically didn't go back, during the period of being an immortal, the concentration was not enough, and after the nether realm, the Dao heart gradually disappeared, and then it was either greedy for power or obsessed with women. The old guy said with a sigh on his face.

"yes, I see. So what did I do in Heaven before? So what life am I? In this way, I am still a hereditary informant. ”

"Previously kept secret. You are the eighth. You're not bad. ”

"yes, I see. No, then why are you still looking for me, I can't remember in my previous life, but I remember that I used to secretly watch girls go to the toilet through the cracks in the wall, and I also killed cockroaches, just the day before yesterday, when I bought cigarettes, the boss asked me for an extra coin, and I didn't say anything. Last night, I also watched Sora Aoi in the middle of the night. I'm sure there's no chance of recovery, there's no reason to come back to me?. "I have one of the virtues of being a man, and that is self-knowledge.

"That's what you said. Grandpa, I didn't write it down for you at the time, grandpa, I monitor the good and evil in the world, and if you say you can do it, you can do it. Of course, the main thing is that the rest of the goods are too bad. There is a section chief who is actually with his superiors for promotion. The key is that his superior is also a man. The other one is a teacher, but this old thing is actually involved with the students. Grandpa, I looked over and over, because you kid didn't have much talent, so there was nothing that people and gods hated. As soon as Grandpa was happy, he made a decision to go back and get you back. The old guy said as he looked like he hated iron but not steel.

"Hey. After a long time, what you mean is that because my master and I have mixed my back, I have no interest, so I was selected. "I suddenly regretted it so much, why didn't I get some interest? When I was a kid, I also dreamed of becoming a Crazy Boy. I also often fantasize about me and my beautiful female boss at night...... Ouch, I'll go, can't think about it.

"Do I have any other choice?" I asked, a little reluctantly.

"Grandpa, my eyes are a little small?" The old guy asked me with a kind look.

"Yes, it's a little small. Squinting. I nodded.

"What happens to people with small eyes?" The old guy continued to seduce me.

"The gas volume is small. Love to calculate. I said casually. Then, with a sad face, I said, "Grandpa, aren't you?" You are a fairy, how can you be calculating, and besides, I see that your eyes are big and godly, and you are not that person at first glance. ”

"Hmph, you can try it." The old guy said to me very sneeringly.

"Yes. Let's talk about the more practical issues. What will be my salary during the cooperation period? Will you give me some spells temporarily, elixir or something? Also, if I die in the line of duty, will you get me back? "Since I can't hide, I plan to make more benefits for myself.

"Hmm. In principle, the above questions are basically negative, but I will write an application to the above according to the actual situation. The old fellow nodded with satisfaction.

"Now let's talk about work. Drop a few peaches down, as for you guys so nervous? Even my old undercover agent has been found. "Since you can't choose, you have to know yourself and your opponent. I decided to start asking why.

"How many drops? One hundred and eighteen peaches. Of course, only 36 of them are useful, and the rest are at most eaten to quench their thirst. ”

"Old guy, don't pretend to be a master. Let's be honest about the use of those thirty-six peaches, in detail. ”

"Ahem...... Cough. There were 3,600 peach trees in that peach orchard. In front of 1,200 plants, the flowers and fruits are tiny, and they ripen once in 3,000 years. There are 1,200 plants in the middle, which are ripe for 6,000 years, and people eat Xiaju and soar, and they are immortal. There are 1,200 plants in the back, purple veined fine nucleus, 9,000 years of ripeness, people eat and live with heaven and earth, the sun and the moon are the same. ”

"Gone?" As for this effect, people who have watched Journey to the West basically know that the ghost believes this, I don't believe that Wu Chengen's old guy has eaten it, and if he hasn't eaten it, then he has heard of it, and what he heard is doubtful. I don't believe it anyway.

"That's actually what it was supposed to do. For more than 1,000 years, the gardeners in the peach orchard have been constantly experimenting and updating, and now the varieties and efficacy of the peach orchard have indeed changed greatly. The 36 peaches that are more important this time belong to the latest research results in recent times, and are known as "Yaochi No. 9" by the Queen Mother. These peaches are now only three hundred years old, but because they are grafted on the purple veined nucleus, after eating it, mortals will not be sick, although they cannot become immortals, they can have memories of their past lives, and they may also have some other wonders. After all, no mortal has eaten yet. As for the demon after eating it, it will have the magic of resurrecting the dead, and it may also increase its mana. There is also no accurate data on which to base this. ”

"In one sentence, everything is possible. So since it's so unpredictable. Old man, you're planning to recruit an when you come down this time, right? Didn't I say you, it's too white, look at your past recruitment of my monkey brother, what is the result? Therefore, it is not impossible to recruit An, but you Heavenly Court must show some sincerity. I'm not opposed to going to Zhao'an with you, but you can't trick me, right? Who are you coming with, and has Jiro God come? Did Lu Dongbin come? I heard that he will turn stones into gold, and when the time comes, he will get us a few dozen catties of gold, and now the people with low gold prices are panicking, and there is not enough for us to eat and drink. ”

"Grandson. Teasing your grandfather? The old rascal said with some dissatisfaction: "To tell you honestly, according to the past practice, grandpa is basically not responsible for food and lodging this time." These are all things that you need to arrange for your grandfather. Of course, you can say no. But grandpa is really not very angry. As for who will come in the future, it will depend on the specific situation when the time comes. ”

"Alas, alas, don't talk about Erlang God, Nezha can always come. We can't really just go to Zhao'an. I really don't have any experience with Zhao'an. ”

"Heavenly Machine. Boy, don't bother with so much idleness. Treating grandpa well is the right thing to do. Grandpa can at least tell the above in the future, you will do your best during your work, and you will work hard. It's not impossible for you kid to get a positive result in the future. ”

"So what should we do now?"

"It's what you should do. Grandpa's suggestion was to make the bed soft and warm for him. Throw your bedside pants and socks away for grandpa as soon as possible. Grandpa loves cleanliness. ”

To say live one more person. My room is really convenient, a small house with two bedrooms and one living room, and a colleague who happens to live with me has resigned two months ago and returned to his hometown, and the lease period is one year, about nine months, which means that before the end of this year, I don't need to worry about the living conditions. However, to be honest, it is still okay to raise an old man for a few meals. My monthly salary is basically no more than 3,500 yuan, but if I come back in the future, I will really worry.

I don't remember how I fell asleep in a state of anxiety, but when the old rascal put his foot on my face, I sat up in a fit of rage, and then I ran to the next room with my quilt in my arms. The old guy is also too particular, saying that there has been no one sleeping in the next room for a long time, and he is not popular, and he is afraid that he will dream if he sleeps at night.

I really wonder if the gods will also have spring dreams? I didn't dream that night.

When I woke up in the morning, it was already 8:35, and I had to spend another 25 minutes to solve the following things: peeing, washing my face, brushing my teeth, and sometimes squatting. But I'm basically going to put this in the company.

When I was about to leave the house, I dropped the remaining half pack of cigarettes and twenty dollars of change on the table. I don't believe in the slightest that the old thing will starve itself.