Chapter 329: Love is too deep to say [Bai Ziyan]

Book 7: It's just, unrepentant and affectionate.

On the bank of the Lethe River, rest with Jun Chang, in the mud, and Jun hair are entangled. There is no expression of the heart, only a wisp of the soul. A furnace is lit, and dry bones give birth to mandalas.

-- Inscription.

New.York, a city that never sleeps.

Back in New York, back to the side of my loved ones, the long-lost sense of relief is tied to my heart. In the winter, there is a mother's cold and warmth, and the father's plain and caring words, the heart that has been suppressed seems to be relieved a little, but when I see the gray temples of my parents, my heart is still tight, and I blame myself for my unfilial piety.

Getting married and having children has always been their expectation for me, but helplessly, this life may not be able to meet their humble wishes, every time I think of these, my heart is more resentful of myself.

During the day, he can disguise his emotions, but once the night comes, his heart will be full of mixed feelings, thinking of him, thinking of his father's death, irritable and depressed, and even having thoughts of suicide.

If it weren't for me, if I hadn't been born in his shijie, perhaps, his father would not have died, and maybe he would have found an ordinary woman and stayed with him for the rest of his life.

Eleven ifs, but there are no ifs.

I realized that I was sick in the second week of my return to New York, and in the middle of the night everyone was asleep, and I was so tired that I wanted to sleep, and I lay in bed, tossing and turning, but I couldn't sleep.

In a daze, I seemed to hear something calling me. Got up, stepped barefoot on the cold floor, searched for sound in the darkness, and walked away all the way to the balcony......

The cold wind is bitter, the biting cold, the snowflakes in the night are extraordinarily thin and soft, like elves in the dark night under the dim light, thousands of them fluttering in the air, beautiful, but also dreamy.

A voice came from below, and I looked down like an abyss with no end in sight, and the voice came to my ears over and over again, gradually becoming clearer.

Nansi's father, he's telling me to go down. He said that hell was too dark and cold, so silent, that he wished for someone to talk to.

I stood on the balcony, looking down at the endless abyss, and my heart was unusually calm. I thought I was not wrong to love Nanji, innocent or unforgivable, but I was wrong.

I killed Nansi's father and hurt an innocent woman, I am an unforgivable sin, and I deserve death.

The height of the 21st floor, falling down, is enough to make people's lives return to Huangquan.

Will this make atonement for the sin I have bore on my body?

His feet had already stepped out, and his body began to stretch out of the balcony, smelling death in his cold breath, and even wondering in his mind that if I died, would he come to my funeral, and would he be able to zaijian him.

Even if it's just one side, it's haode.

"Bang" The light in the living room turned on, I don't know who woke up, walked to the kitchen with very light steps, and some subtle sounds, as if drinking water. I stood on the edge of the balcony in a daze, the snowflakes falling on my feet, cold to the bone, and through the thin curtains, I could faintly see the outline of my mother, and the graying of her hair, as if I had a nightmare, and suddenly woke up.

What am I doing?

Carefully descended from the balcony, looking back at the abyss, still, there was palpitations-

I know that I have a very serious mental illness, even if I pretend to be normal during the day, drinking, ridiculing, normal men who can no longer be normal, deceiving everyone; I couldn't fool myself, and that night I almost jumped from the 21st floor and ended my life.

If I do jump, my parents, loved ones, how sad will they be?

It's better to die than to live, although life is still death, for them, I still want to live.

I went to see a psychiatrist, actively cooperated with her, and tried my best to recover myself. Walking out of the psychotherapist's clinic, the snow has not yet melted, and one foot at a time, you can even hear a crisp sound, which is pleasant and moving.

Hike through a park, bounce off the snow on a wooden chair, and sit down. Seeing children playing around and having snowball fights, there is an innocent smile on his flushed face.

I think of him, I think of Xi Feng, I don't know if little Xi Feng will be so cute when he is so big. It's just that when he thinks of Xi Feng, if he knows the absurdity of his father's youth, he can't help but feel sad in his heart.

I've never regretted anything for so many years, but I regret falling in love with Nanji and dragging him and myself into a swamp from which I can't extricate myself.

A blonde girl came running up to me, handed me a leaflet, made a smiling gesture, and said, "Be happy, handsome, the Lord will be with us." ”

I've never had any religious beliefs, and I couldn't laugh when I looked at the leaflet in my hand and just pulled my lips at her. When I got up to leave, I wanted to throw the leaflet into the trash, but the moment I was about to put it in, I suddenly wavered, and I had nothing to do to kill time.

The church is small and can be said to be dilapidated. The people here were very friendly, everyone had warm smiles on their faces, and the pastor was very patient to chat with me, even if I just sat and didn't say a word.

There will be a second time with the first time, and every time I sit in the church and look at the crucified Jesus, I don't know why my heart is unusually calm and relaxed.

The pastor said that because all beings are sinful, Jesus' mission is to cleanse mankind of sin. In order to atone for the sins of man, Jesus was willing to be crucified so that the sins of the world could be healed.

I asked, "Do people like me also qualify for salvation?" ”

The pastor's sincere eyes stared at me, and a cool finger fell on my forehead, and he said with great firmness: "Son, believe me, the Lord will forgive your sins!" ”

Whether the Lord will forgive my sins, I don't know; All I know is that every time I see this group of people, my heart is very peaceful, as if I am living in a paradise. There is no deceit, no grievances, no hatred, and no suffering.

My psychiatrist said that I was much better, and I gradually lost hearing the voices that called me to hell. I laugh, maybe!

Received Mingxi's text message, the memories in country C were lifted all of a sudden, dusty, chaotic, thinking of those past, the sweeter the memories, the more hurtful they were, not to mention the blood-stained memories.

I swore that I would never set foot in the capital again in my life.

Mingxi, it's not that I don't want to go back, I can't, I can't go back!

***

After Christmas, I noticeably felt much better. I received an anonymous text message in the evening when I walked out of the church, with a short sentence: I don't want Qin Xifeng to die, go to Mianjiang quickly.

When I saw the text message, I had mixed feelings in my heart for a while, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I found a friend and checked the other party's communication, the card was bought anonymously, and I threw it away after sending a text message, and I couldn't track the specific address.

I thought about it again and again, and finally booked a ticket to Mianjiang. Knowing that someone deliberately led me there, I still went, because I didn't want Xi Feng to have an accident and didn't want him to be sad.

I didn't tell anyone, I just told my family to go out and go around, they were used to my departure, and they didn't do much to keep it, but just told them to be more careful and pay attention to safety.

I promise that I will return safely.

―

Mianjiang, a famous tourist attraction in country C, just after February, the cold wind is steep in March, and there are not many people who travel. I've been staying in the hotel for more than a week and no one has reached out to me.

Every day, I have nothing else to do but read books and watch the news, and I am really bored and go out to see the scenery. Just when I thought that text message was just a prank, someone finally reached out to me and woke up in the morning to see someone stuffing a card in my room.

The address and time were written on the card, and I didn't hesitate too long to change my clothes and go out.

At 6 o'clock in the morning, the people here have not yet gotten up, and the streets are exceptionally deserted. The hotel is near the Broken Soul Bridge, which can be reached by walking for more than ten minutes. The empty street with no people, it makes people panic to watch, and I have a feeling of unhappiness, as if something is going to happen.

I even thought that I had nothing to do with Nansi anymore, what did Xi Feng's life or death have to do with me! I turned around and wanted to go back to the hotel, but I couldn't get out of that step.

Because I never really let go of Nanji.

Nanji has become a part of my body for so many years, how can I not love him? It's like going to chop off someone's own arm or leg, is this possible?

A bright figure on the Broken Soul Bridge, I walked in and saw the face clearly, and was secretly surprised: "How could it be you?" ”

Her gaze on the river looked at me slowly, and Ying Ying smiled: "Weishenme can't be me?" ”

"Qin Yuan didn't send you to country A! Are you weishenme coming back? weishenme wants to bring me to Mianjiang? Ye Ni! "I have a lot of questions in my mind, and looking at her smiling face, I have a very unpleasant feeling.

Ye Ni smiled more and more, took out a mobile phone from her pocket and handed it to me: "I'm just doing a friend a favor!" ”

I hesitated, took the phone, video call, and the other end of the phone was Huang Rong.

My heart was pinched fiercely, and the pain swept away in an instant, spreading to the whole body, and the most shameless thing I faced in this life was this innocent woman!

Huang Rong's expression is not very good, a pair of apricot eyes look at me, even through the screen I can see how much hatred is loaded!

"Rongrong ......"

"Don't call me!" Huang Rong on the other end of the phone showed a hideous look, and her voice was sharp: "I feel disgusted when I hear you call my name!" Bai Ziyan, you are so disgusting! ”

I'm disgusting, I know, I've always known. You don't have to remind me again and again.

"What the hell are you trying to do?"

Huang Rong looked at me, with a moist look in her eyes: "Bai Ziyan, do you know how much I hate you!" I can't wait for you to die! This shijie on weishenme must have a person like you exist, you ruined Nansi, ruined me! How can you still live shamelessly on this shijie, always claiming to be a victim. ”

The sharp words plunged into my chest, and blood spilled out. She hates me, I know, I deserve it! It was I who fell in love with Nanji first, I kept seducing him, and I dragged him to hell first.

Isn't it enough for me to swallow this evil fruit now?

"Tell me, what the hell do you want me to do?"

They went around in such a big circle, not just to humiliate me with words and stomp my self-esteem and face on the ground, it was as simple as that.

Huang Rong looked at me and paused word by word: "I, hope, hope, you, death." ”

I knew she hated me, but I didn't know she wanted me to die! The wind was biting, it was so cold that I could barely breathe, my throat was blocked by something, I couldn't speak, it just hurt.

Huang Rong moved her phone and pointed the camera at Xi Feng, who was sleeping on the bed, and her voice came from the phone: "Bai Ziyan, look at it well, this is my child with Nansi, his grandfather died as soon as he was born, and his father was always unwilling to look at him, as if his grandfather's death was all his fault!" You should know that the real culprit is you! ”

"Bai Ziyan, as long as you are alive for one day, Nansi's heart will never be on me and the child; You have killed his father, but will you still be his son? If you don't disappear on this shijie, then it's our mother and son who die! ”

Huang Rong was holding the mobile phone in one hand, and the other hand had already landed on Xi Feng's neck. Xi Feng, who was still in swaddling clothes, would never know that his mother had almost strangled him.

"Don't ......," I subconsciously stopped her, "he's your own son!" ”

How could anyone bear to hurt their own son!

Huang Rong's movements paused, but she didn't let go of Xi Feng's neck, and sneered: "So what? Without Nansi, we are nothing! Rather than endure his lifelong indifference, I'd rather die with Xi Feng now! Bai Ziyan, our mother and son will not let you go even if they are ghosts! ”

"Is that why you can't tolerate me?" I lowered my head and smiled bitterly, I was already gone, isn't that enough?

Why, do you have to force me to a desperate situation!

"Yes." Huang Rong replied decisively without the slightest hesitation! It can be seen that she hates me so much!

In a distraction, the mobile phone was snatched away by Ye Ni, she casually threw the mobile phone into the river, "poof", and then there were ripples on the river, rippling round and round, she chuckled: "Bai Ziyan, you only have five minutes to think about it, if I don't call Huang Rong after five minutes, she will strangle Qin Xifeng first, and then commit suicide!" In another half an hour, the people of the entire national capital will know that our great former Secretary-General, Mr. Bai Ziyan, and the chief of the guard, Qin Nansi, have fulfilled their great aiqing with three innocent lives! Do you think that's good? ”

I smiled dismally: "Actually, you are the one who wants me to die, right?" "Huang Rong won't hurt Xi Feng, let alone die.

Ye Ni was stunned, her slender arms casually rested on her chest, and nodded: "Yes." I want you to die, and you don't have to worry, Huang Rong won't kill Xi Feng, and I know that he won't commit suicide, so I have already made arrangements. After all, there is money in this shijie that can make ghosts grind, and it is not difficult to buy murderers to kill people, and then arrange it as an accidental death. Wasn't that how Your Excellency did this to the Yi family who helped him in the first place! ”

The bright red lips showed a poppy smile, cold and vicious.

The wasp tail needle, the most poisonous woman's heart, this sentence is really not wrong at all.

"Weishenme is going to do this?" I looked at her calmly, probably guessing that her real purpose was not herself, "You want to deal with Your Excellency and Madame!" ”

"It's none of your business!" Ye Ni spoke quickly, her voice cold: "Bai Ziyan, you'd better think clearly, now you don't even have five minutes!" Between Nanji and yourself, you can only choose the same! You are alive, and you are ruined with Qin Nansi, and you are dead, to protect Qin Nansi's reputation and family. Actually, I also want to know, do you love yourself, or do you love Nanji more? ”

In fact, what she said was meaningless, because I never had to think about it, between myself and Nanji, no matter what happened, no matter how many times I chose, I would never choose myself.

Love has no dignity, no principles, and no matter how lowly it is, I admit it all, I love all of him in this way, without complaint or regret. What does the world's criticism and public opinion have to do with me?

"Ye Ni, I, Bai Ziyan, have never been afraid of death! I know that you want to use my death to achieve your goal step by step, to harm Your Excellency and Madame. I'm also telling you, you won't make it! ”

Because Your Excellency and Madame are never something you can hurt!

Ye Ni's face sank, and the hatred in her eyes made her look hateful and extremely ugly: "You talk a lot of nonsense!" I don't need you to teach me a lesson, I have this time, you might as well think about what last words you want to leave, maybe I'll help you convey them to Qin Nansi when I'm in a good mood! ”

I saw my pale and colorless face in her pupils, and I pulled my lips and smiled weakly: "I don't have any last words. ”

If you have negative parents and relatives in this life, you can only return in the next life!

The wind on the river blew, sharp as a knife scraping on the face, and it hurt to the bone. The clear river water is gradually rising, layer by layer, and the golden light is faintly revealed in the thick clouds in the east, which is the rising sun.

I also know that I will never see such a beautiful sunrise in my life.

The length of life should not be defined by time, but by love. Those dark desires are nothing but death, only death. In this life, I have loved, gained, lost, hated, and have no regrets.

I jumped resolutely in front of Ye Ni and fell into the icy river, the Broken Soul Bridge, the Broken Soul Bridge, it turned out to be the place where my broken soul was.

Human beings are born with a desire to do evil and are weak-willed. God says that man is responsible for his sin. Because he was given free will, a truly repentant, God took sin away from him. We come from the void, everyone holds good and evil, some ascend to heaven, some fall into hell, in the cold and choppy river, I think of you, I think of the past, we used to be so close.

I, giving up on saving myself, let go of my clenched hands, and willing to let death take me away.

I was conscious and let the river swallow me, and the cold ice water was injected into my body from my mouth and nose, and my body became heavier and heavier, and I fell into the abyss.

If I die alone, I can save more people, then Ziyan is willing to die with his body.

The churning surface of the river, the huge waves of water gradually calmed down, like the water bubbles when the water boiled to a boil, exploded one by one when the sun drove away all the darkness of the earth, and disappeared into the horizontal line.

The clean man, who had been trapped by love all his life, finally sank to the bottom of the river, soaked in the icy river water for a full fifteen days, went down the river, and was found and salvaged in the Samsara River, and his body was deformed, desolate and sad.

The setting sun shrouded the entire river, sparkling, warm and brilliant, the wind swept the long hair in the ears, listen carefully, whose voice on the river has been whispering softly-

May those who are concerned be far from evil, and live happily and peacefully, and live peacefully.

Even if it is not seen.

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