I brushed my sleeves and left in tears, and the eldest sister took me to the newly built pavilion by the Panjia River, and chatted with me a lot. She asked me where I had been for more than a year, how I was doing, why I was so thin.

I was silent, not knowing how to answer. I feel ashamed of my eldest sister's concern, and when my eyes meet the sincere eyes of my eldest sister, I can no longer hide it and tell me about the situation of more than a year. And all this, in the eyes of the eldest sister, is simply a bosom friend's story, she has always been sensible and does not believe that Xingfeng will help me so without any intentions, and spare no effort for me to study, and I am speechless.

At that moment, the eldest sister was disappointed in me: "Xiaoshu, I appreciate your courage to start again, but how can you use this way?" ”

"Not what you think, sister." I argued weakly.

The eldest sister smiled bitterly and said, "Xiaoshu, I am an adult, and I understand the unspoken rules between adults too well." I don't want you to do that, really. ”

"I didn't ......" When I saw the disappointment in my eldest sister's eyes, I knew that it would be futile for me to explain.

Also, if a man takes me as his sister for no reason, arranges everything for you before and after the saddle, and single-handedly plans your future, if this man has nothing to think of you, few adults in this world will believe in such fairy tales. However, this is the truth, but the truth that no one will believe, not even my dearest eldest sister no longer trusts me.

"Anyway, you can do it yourself. You must be cautious in every road you take in life, and my sister only hopes that you will live well. If Xingfeng can't give you a perfect ending, my sister will not let him go first. The eldest sister's words suddenly became sharp. She has always been a particularly upright person, always facing the rising sun like a sunflower, and can't accept a little bit of the darkness in this world. Although, as I said, it wasn't darkness.

I couldn't say anything more, so I told her to take care of my family for me, and then I left the hometown where I was born and raised on foot, and walked towards the town step by step, without looking back, and letting go of that attachment.

It was inconvenient for Xingfeng to stay at my house for a long time, and he left after sending my mother to the funeral. I bought a ticket alone and left Panjia Town by car, bidding farewell to Panjia River and Shennu Mountain. Before leaving, I gazed affectionately at the peak of the Goddess Mountain, and silently said in my heart: "One day, I will definitely return to this homeland with pride." ”

I was shocked by my own heart. I remember when I was a child, when the four of us sisters gathered around my grandmother's lap to listen to my grandmother's story, my grandmother once carefully looked at the faces of the four of us, and then said with a smile: "The eldest girl is the most stable and blessed, the second girl can be an official in the future, the third girl has a higher heart than the sky, and the fourth girl is ......."

For some reason, I suddenly remembered this little fragment. Grandma didn't mention what the future of the painting would be, but just said "yo" meaningfully. At that time, we were still young, and we didn't understand the deep meaning of my grandmother's words, so I opened her words in a playful way, but at that time I didn't understand the meaning of "the heart is higher than the sky and the ambition is greater", so this sentence has been vaguely imprinted in my heart.

I was homeless. From then on, I really depended on the torture style.

He came to pick me up at the station and gave me a big hug. He took me home and cooked me a table of food, but I couldn't eat a single bite.

Su Chang is also there, and it seems that her relationship with Xing Feng has developed quite steadily. I went back to my hometown this time, I don't know what Xingfeng said to her, she seems to know the true relationship between me and Xingfeng, and her attitude towards me is much indifferent, from her voice I can hear her little jealousy towards me, that subtlety may only be experienced between women.

I lived in Xingfeng's house for a few days, and Su Chang went in and out with Xingfeng almost every day in those days, doing everything he could to stick to Xingfeng and not let him stay with me too much. Sometimes men don't have too many emotional reactions to the subtleties between women, and Su Chang's methods are extraordinarily clever, Xing Feng can't feel the subtleties between me and Su Chang, he just thinks that I am sad because of the loss of my mother, so I don't talk much, and I don't like to participate in their topics, but I don't want him to be embarrassed, let alone let Su Chang misunderstand.

After staying at Xingfeng's house for a few days, I returned to the small dormitory in S City, and Aunt Gu came over in the past few days since I left, helping me tidy up the room, and even the pajamas and quilt sheets I changed were cleaned and neatly folded on the bed. I was very moved, fortunately, the world is big, and there is such a small piece of heaven and earth that belongs to me alone.

I waited in the room day after day, relying on a book of world famous books to pass the time, I bought a box of instant noodles, did not go out every day, when I was hungry, I ate two bites of noodles, and drank cold white open in a big gulp, so that I felt better in my heart.

Zhao Qinhan often sent me text messages to ask me to go to some class reunions or outings, but I refused one by one, and I locked myself in my dormitory, closing myself off from the outside world. The heart seems to be hollowed out, and everything becomes a program. On the day I filled in the volunteer, I didn't even bother to estimate the score, so I directly filled in Z University as the only choice, Mr. Liu shouted that it was too risky for me to think about it again, I smiled lightly, tried to hug Mr. Liu, and then said softly: "Teacher, I don't take the exam for Z University." If you can't take the test, you will take the test again next year. ”

The subconscious told me that I would be admitted. In fact, I was admitted to Z University. When the exam notice was sent, I didn't have any suspense in my heart, nor did I have the joy I imagined, I just looked at the sky outside the window and whispered: "Mom, will you be proud of me?" ”

I don't know if my mother will be proud of me, but Xingfeng and Aunt Gu's family are proud of me. The results of the college entrance examination came out, and my total score ranked third in the total score of liberal arts in S City that year, and the champion was Zhao Qinhan, who was 20 points higher than my total score. This kind of achievement makes Mr. Liu extremely proud, and it also makes those teachers who tutor me proud. After all, it is too rare for a student like me, who has been out of society and did not have outstanding grades before, to reach such a level in just one year.

For my sake, Dafang set up a banquet in the most exclusive restaurant in S City, and invited the head teacher, teachers of various subjects, and those teachers of extracurricular tutoring to congratulate me together. I smiled the whole time, toasted each teacher with a glass of wine, and left the rest of the scene to Xingfeng, who was like my parent and thanked me for everything. However, my mood has always been general, and I can't always muster much energy to face such success.

Xingfeng asked me if I wanted to invite all my classmates to dinner once to maintain the friendship between classmates, I shook my head, and I said, "Forget it, so be it." I want to be alone. ”

"Little book, you still haven't forgiven me, have you?" Xing Feng held my shoulder, looked directly at me, and said distressedly: "At that time, you were in the white-hot stage of studying, and I couldn't let the outside world have the slightest influence on you. It can be said that the fact that you have this achievement now is inseparable from our year-round closed cramming education. I know and understand your feelings, it's just that sometimes people have to believe in their fate. No one wants their parents to leave suddenly, you are like that, and so am I. When something happens, instead of dwelling on sadness and making ourselves unhappy, we should cheer ourselves together and be who we want to be. I say this, can you understand? ”

"Brother, I don't blame you. I just feel like I'm living a good life and failing. I said lightly.

"Why?" He asked me in surprise.

"Because I didn't get the love of my parents when I was a child, even if I was admitted to Z University now, my father would not be happy. Maybe in the eyes of my parents, there is always only one daughter. I smiled wryly, full of bitterness and had nowhere to complain.

"Leave it to time. There is a fate between people. Perhaps, one day your father will be proud of you, you say? Xingfeng patted me on the shoulder, and then said, "I want you to be happy, I think you live too hard." ”

"Brother, why aren't you like this?" I looked up at him.

"Me?" He was surprised at first, then laughed, and said, "I...... I'm used to being alone. ”

"Well, you're stronger than me." I say.

"Little book, you can do it too, I know you have this potential. Look at the year where you created a myth with your own efforts. Now that the media wants to interview you, do you want to accept it? He asked me tentatively.

I shook my head and I said, "It's a success, it's just something that can be done with hard work." There are so many things in this world that you can't get no matter how hard you try, such as love. ”

I refused to be interviewed by the media, and I couldn't stand the sensational, exaggerated compliments, which were not true at all. People are really buried in the heart, either blossom and bear fruit, or grow into a tumor, I am just the lucky one who can make ** blossom and bear fruit, this is not a big deal, the road of life is still long, I have only walked so little, but I already feel so tired, this is what I am really sad.

In the following days, I was still buried at home reading books, reading books like crazy, the more obscure the books, the more I struggled to gnaw on them, what psychology, what thick black science, what law of so-and-so, all the books that allowed me to temporarily escape from reality, I read all the books.

He often stood silently behind me and stared at me for a long, long time when he came to see me, then sighed softly, turned away, and didn't say goodbye. He asked me to go back to H City to live, and I refused on the grounds that the rent here was not due, in fact, I just didn't want to see Su Chang, I didn't want to see her pretend to be intimate in front of me and swear her exclusive right to Xingfeng, although I have always been a brother and sister with affection and politeness, but that still makes me feel very uncomfortable.