When I woke up, as usual, I subconsciously reached out to hug the waist of the man beside me, until it was a soft body in my hand, not a solid body.

Before I had recovered from my slumber, I opened my eyes in confusion, and did not meet the man's honey-colored chest, or his handsome face, when I realized that it was a quilt in my arms.

I was stunned for half a minute, then I suddenly got up and sat there, the thin quilt slipping off my shoulder, I looked down to see the ambiguous marks on my white and flawless skin, and then looked around the whole bed, and I was alone.

So is Pei Tingqing gone?

This result almost brought tears to my eyes, and I quickly lifted the quilt and got out of bed, but when I took a step, my legs trembled and I fell to the ground.

Pei Tingqing really tortured me a lot.

I slowed down for a long time before I slowly stood up with my bedside table, walked to the wardrobe, and took out a shirt from Pei Tingqing and put it on my body, unhurriedly fastening the buttons.

I felt very calm, because I was so convinced that Pei Tingqing was not leaving, maybe he was taking a shower in the bathroom and washing the clothes of the two of us, maybe he was cooking breakfast in the kitchen downstairs, maybe he walked in after a while and woke me up as usual............ Anyway, no matter what the possibility is, he is reluctant to leave me.

So I went to the bathroom first, I thought to myself that I appeared in front of Pei Tingqing dressed like this, he must have pressed me against the wall of the shower room for the first time, kissed me passionately, and then coaxed me to accompany him, he was so interested in my body that it was beyond my ability to bear, but I loved him so much that he was crazy for me.

However, I didn't find Pei Tingqing in the bathroom, which made me a little disappointed, but maybe he was in the kitchen, I turned around and went downstairs, and didn't hear any movement, after pushing open the kitchen door, I was ready to hug him from behind, but my arm stretched out, only to find that there was no one at the counter.

The clean and empty kitchen, without the tall figure with his back to me, the light smile on my lips froze a little, and after a pause for a few seconds, I suddenly turned around and ran towards the restaurant, but I still didn't see Pei Tingqing sitting there waiting for me; I went to the living room, he wasn't there, and then I searched all the rooms downstairs, and I thought like a child that he must be playing hide and seek with me, and finally I held on to the door at the entrance, and noticed that there was a pair of men's leather shoes missing from the shoe cabinet, and I covered my mouth, and tears suddenly welled up.

But I still didn't give up, I ran out in my slippers, stood in the yard and looked around, the swing frame was still there, the flower tree was still there, but there was no one in either place.

I walked over and sat on the swing, no one pushed behind me anymore, I smiled and turned back to talk to the man behind me, but there were only familiar scenes and things behind me, and there was no such beautiful boy who seemed to come out of a comic.

At this moment, I finally realized that Pei Tingqing was gone, he really went to South Africa, leaving me alone, he did not keep his promise to me, and the oaths that he said would always be by my side were all false.

It was as if I had only just come to my senses, and the memories of yesterday came back to me little by little, and I cried, pleaded, threatened, and in every way I could think of it, I almost didn't die, but he still didn't stay.

I remembered that yesterday I had said that I would take the ring off when he was gone, but when I went to take off the ring on my ring finger, my tears fell down in large numbers, and my whole shoulders trembled violently, and my hands trembled.

The scene of him kneeling on one knee in the sea of tulips seemed to be right in front of him, and the vows he had made and the promises I had made to him were still ringing in my ears, and everything was still ringing in my ears.

In the end, I still didn't take the ring off, I looked at my ring finger motionlessly, the tight heartstrings suddenly broke, I held the swing rope with one hand, leaned my head against it, and on the swing alone, I broke down and cried.

Needless to say, I like Pei Tingqing, from the first time I saw him, I liked him, and when I didn't know what love was between men and women, what true love was, I liked him.

I have a very good memory, or rather, everything about Pei Tingqing, I remember it so clearly, the first time I saw Pei Tingqing at Pei's house, he sat in front of the glass in a snow-white shirt and played the piano, and when he turned around, his clear and indifferent face amazed me at a glance.

From a superficial point of view, Pei Tingqing's appearance meets all my fantasies, and when I draw comics, I have been thinking, will there really be such a person who looks as good as in the comics, and will one day the beautiful boy in my comics suddenly appear in front of me like that?

It turns out that there is indeed such a person in this world, and I did meet it, and in addition to that face, Pei Tingqing's temperament also meets my requirements for the male protagonist of the comics——— indifferent, clear, unfazed, and even hanging high It doesn't matter, making it difficult for ordinary people to get close.

One thing I am curious about and have a strong desire to explore is what kind of person can stop in his indifferent eyes, what kind of person can stir up waves in his heart, what kind of person can make him hot, even crazy? It is with this kind of exploration psychology that from the first time we met, I was trying to get close to Pei Tingqing.

I was shy and sensitive in front of Pei Tingqing, and I paid attention to him so much that I thought about it, blushed and heartbeat, and later I learned that this was called "Girl Huaichun", but I didn't understand it at that time, so I didn't know that the object of Huaichun was the eldest brother who was related to me, this kind of psychology was wrong, and no one guided me in the right direction.

On the other hand, Pei Tingqing and I have not been together since birth, so from the time I met him when I was 14 years old, such a stranger was not like a brother to me, but a member of the opposite sex, but in the end, there was still that layer of blood relationship, I thought that this was not the love between men and women, so I never restrained my feelings for Pei Tingqing.

Feelings sprout like seeds, slowly growing over time, when Pei Tingqing held my hand for the first time, my heart beat faster, and I liked and coveted this feeling very much, and then when the two of us became more and more intimate, he began to hug me, because I liked the feeling of being held in his arms, and then I always found an excuse to let him hold me, or hold him logically.

Whether it is a person or an animal, of course, for what I like, I will subconsciously get close to and rely on it, but fortunately Pei Tingqing does not reject me, his connivance and pampering make my girl's mind more and more out of control.

In fact, my mind is very simple, I just want Pei Tingqing to be good to me, spoil me, and love me, in the name of my brother, I am satisfied with the status quo and have never thought about changing.

When I was 15 years old, Pei Tingqing walked out of my bathroom with a bath towel, and the moment he appeared in front of my eyes, I couldn't describe my feelings at the time, anyway, I was nervous, blushing, and my heart was beating faster and didn't dare to look at him. It's a pity that I didn't understand my feelings at the time.

When I sat on the bed with him and watched Conan, the plot was more attractive to me, but when I caught a glimpse of his handsome face that pleased me out of the corner of my eye, smelled his masculinity, and felt his scorching temperature, my mind was all transferred to him, and I pretended to be asleep and snuggled into his arms with a feeling that I would definitely be comfortable leaning on his shoulder.

Sure enough, as I had assumed, his chest was broad and thick, which made me greedy, and I slept contentedly.

When I was 16 years old and Pei Tingqing was 19 years old, he started to have a girlfriend.

College and high school are not far apart, and when the news about one of his girlfriends changing one girlfriend after another reached my ears, it was undeniable that I was angry, and this anger came from my desire for domination, and I thought very selfishly: My eldest brother is my alone, he is only good to me as a girl, how can he smile at other girls, hold other girls' hands, and let other women lean on his shoulders?

Some of my classmates asked me to give them Pei Tingqing's mobile phone number, or to help give Pei Tingqing love letters, and even wanted me to take them to Pei's house to meet Pei Tingqing............ These behaviors of theirs make me very unhappy to see them.

When I haven't defined them as my rivals, I used a not tactful response to kill their idea of getting close to Pei Tingqing, I don't like all the girls who think about Pei Tingqing, but there are too many girls who like Pei Tingqing, which is the main reason why I don't have friends.

Because of my anger, during Pei Tingqing's girlfriend, I didn't want to pay attention to him at all, so I shifted my attention to Wei Chengshu, and because Wei Chengshu and Pei Tingqing were in the same university, I always asked about Pei Tingqing from Wei Chengshu.

Pei Tingqing came to pick me up from school that day, I didn't want to see him at all, I wanted to take Wei Chengshu's bicycle to go, and then I got into Pei Tingqing's car, I was angry with him and said why did he interfere with me, what I really want to express means is why are you so idle, why don't you go to accompany your girlfriend, do you remember my sister?

It's just that I'm very hypocritical in my heart, but on the surface I don't seem to care about him having a girlfriend at all, because I'm afraid that if I say it, he will refute what I have to do with me, why can't he have a girlfriend.

So, how do I respond? I'm a sister, and I'm really not qualified to ask him not to have a girlfriend, right?

And for Pei Tingqing to block that knife, the reason is too simple, or not a reason at all——— I have a male and female affection for him in my heart, I like him, I don't want him to get hurt, and the more obvious manifestation is that I saw him and other girls go to open a room that night, and my heart hurts.

Even though I don't know where this pain comes from, I have to admit that I mind so much, so after he came to my room that night, the idea that came to my mind was that I was going to stick to him all the time, occupy all his time, so that he didn't have a chance to be with other girls, of course, the premise was that he also cared about me as a sister, and between his girlfriend and his sister, he chose me.

Pei Tingqing and I went to see the comic con, and that night in the hotel, I said that I was not used to sleeping alone, in fact, it was just an excuse to let him sleep with me, and I took the initiative to be intimate with him.

The first time he forcibly kissed me, I was subconsciously even angrier that he said that he thought I was an ex-girlfriend, and regardless of that blood relationship, I actually liked him kissing me.

I thought that if I was angry for a while, it would be fine, and I could still be close to Pei Tingqing as before, and our relationship would not change at all because of this, but the fact turned out that he was going to go abroad as an exchange student.

I panicked all of a sudden, I thought my unbridled words hurt him, I kept looking for an opportunity to try to apologize to him, explain clearly, I was sick that day, I had to think of him more than ever, so I went to his room, I slept in his bed, hugged his quilt, and after he came back, I cried and asked him to stay, or take me with me, anyway, I wanted to be with him.

At that moment, I wanted him to hug me and tell me that he was as reluctant as I was, but in the end I didn't change his decision, and that rainy night he closed the door and left, and I kept crying in the dark room.

Throughout the night, I finally saw through the fact that ——— I was self-inflicted, that I took this brother-sister relationship too seriously, and that I naively thought that he cared about me very much.

He spoiled me so much, he stayed with me when my stomach hurt, he made me breakfast, he would give me whatever I wanted, and he said so much that he liked me as a sister, so I thought that I must be very important in his mind, and he proved that I was nothing in his heart with his departure and a year of ignoring me.

During his absence, there were many times when I wanted to hear everything about him from Huo Huiyuan; I also have his contact information, and many times I have taken my phone to make a call; Many nights I secretly went to his room, buried in the quilt with his breath, and cried constantly thinking about him, and then bit my lip and suppressed the crying.

I've been wondering what I did wrong to make him so cold to me all of a sudden, from the initial pampering like he wanted to give me the whole world, to the year without asking, what the hell did I make him hate? Or maybe I'm not good enough to get into his eyes............ I thought about it too much, and the final conclusion was not that he was ruthless, but that I cared too much.

I resented him, but there seemed to be no reason to resent, after all, he just didn't accompany me anymore, and he didn't do anything to hurt me.

Like a mirror lake and a moon, Pei Tingqing amazed my whole life, and also softened the years after the death of my parents, because of his existence, I will not fall into sadness, not to be helpless, so when everything is back to the original point, I am still alone, no one knows how much I miss everything Pei Tingqing brought me, every time I think of Pei Tingqing in that year, how much my heart hurts.

It was also during that year that I began to grow.

With the passage of time, I finally sobered up, I no longer bothered about Pei Tingqing's departure, I decided to forget about his kindness to me, and he came back in the future, I only regarded him as a brother, no longer approached him with affection and stupidity, and I no longer took him as the center, followed his footsteps in the first two years, and hoped to stand side by side with him............ Anyway, as he said, I should have my own path in life.

After I shifted my mind from Pei Tingqing, and Huo Huiyuan did not object, I agreed to Wei Chengshu's pursuit and fell in love with Wei Chengshu.

It happened to be Valentine's Day that day, I couldn't sleep, I thought about Pei Tingqing, unexpectedly he called me suddenly, and then I was a kind of psychology that seemed to show off to my ex-boyfriend, I also lived well without him, I told Pei Tingqing that I had a relationship with Wei Chengshu, and I also deceived myself to prove to myself that Pei Tingqing was not there, and I was still very happy.

Even if Pei Tingqing came back inexplicably later, I dated Wei Chengshu, and I let Pei Tingqing know that I didn't care about him Pei Tingqing at all, in fact, I was still saving my own face.

I can't let him know how much I miss him and how uncomfortable I feel in the year he hasn't been there, and I can't let him know how important he has been to me in the past, and for a person who doesn't have any place for me in his heart, I have to maintain my own posture in front of him.

This is a very normal psychology, I don't think I'm using Wei Chengshu to take revenge on Pei Tingqing, for this relationship between me and Wei Chengshu, I have a very serious mentality, if nothing else, I do want to go to Japan with Wei Chengshu, and marry him and have children in the future.

And Pei Tingqing is a person, it's not that I'm angry with him, and I still resent him in my heart, but I don't want to contact him anymore from now on, I sealed him in the deepest part of my heart, and I don't want him to disturb my world anymore.

Therefore, when he came back, he still stepped into my world as if nothing had happened, interfering with me and not allowing me to associate with Wei Chengshu, which made me particularly repulsive him, and the more he took it for granted, the greater my resistance.

What I want to say most in my heart is that you don't come near me again, don't open the wound I just healed again, and you'd better never appear in front of me again, so that my heart won't be messed up and won't hurt.

I'm running away from him because I'm afraid of being hurt.

It wasn't until that day that I went to see Wei Chengshu's mother, and after Pei Tingqing took me, he confessed to me in the car, and my first reaction was to be frightened.

I never thought he would be a man and a woman for me, and I don't deny that I liked him, but I wanted to keep my brother and sister relationship with him, the way I used to, and if I could, I hope never to change that pattern.

However, I forgot that there is no gratuitous relationship in this world, Pei Tingqing dotes on me, and the premise of being good to me is that he treats me as a lover, not a cousin; If he really thought of me as a cousin, he wouldn't have been so nice to me.

I want him to love me, but all I can accept is brother and sister love, in fact, it is a paradox in itself, he asks me to treat him as a man and a woman, there is that blood relationship, I can't do it, so I ran away.

The reason why I fled was not that I was afraid that Pei Tingqing would not let me go, but that I was afraid that I thought I was a brother and sister relationship, and it would also evolve into the relationship between men and women as he said in his mouth, I couldn't bear the sin of messing with my cousin, not so much that I couldn't see my heart clearly, but that I was deceiving myself, and I didn't want to admit that I didn't feel like a brother and sister to Pei Tingqing.

I escaped very thoroughly, I thought that as long as I had a relationship with Wei Chengshu, I was a woman from the beginning, if I gave myself to Wei Chengshu, I would never think about Pei Tingqing again and betray Wei Chengshu.

In this way, all the back roads between me and Pei Tingqing will be completely cut off.

I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to accept Wei Chengshu, so I drugged myself, but at the last moment I still pushed Wei Chengshu away, and it was also at the moment when I was eager to have a relationship with Pei Tingqing that I admitted my love for Pei Tingqing's men and women, and then thought about my various performances in front of Pei Tingqing and my various behaviors in the past, I knew that in fact, from the first glance, I liked Pei Tingqing.

On that stormy night, Pei Tingqing entered my body strongly, if it wasn't for my subconscious willingness to accept him, I thought that if there was really a man who forced me, I could fight with him to break the bloodstream, even if I committed suicide, I had to keep my chastity and innocence, and the fact was that that night under the half-push and half-will, I had a relationship with Pei Tingqing that shouldn't have happened.

Later, for a long time, I was always hovering between reason and morality, I was in a state of sober and semi-sober, I wanted to be with Pei Tingqing, but I didn't dare to violate morality, I was tormented by my own heart, and I couldn't get past this hurdle of my own.

No matter how cold I am to Pei Tingqing on the surface, no matter how much I reject this abnormal love, with the outbreak of feelings, in fact, I can't suppress myself more and more in my heart, every time I see Pei Tingqing holding his cuffs and cooking for me in the kitchen, I especially want to hug him tightly from behind; Every time I see him smiling at me, hearing his gentle words, and saying "Shuyi I love you", I also want to open my mouth to express my feelings for him; Every time I see the pain in his eyes after being hurt by me, my heart twitches, and I want to comfort him............ But all of this was forcibly suppressed by me.

I think my most honest reaction, the most difficult to resist him, was under him, and the woman who coveted everything he gave, went crazy with him, and was in a state of madness, was the real me.

I hope that maybe fate will favor me, and I have a terrible and unfilial thought, how good would it be if I had not been born to my parents? During the most tangled and painful time, I moved the idea of doing a paternity test, but then I laughed at the fact that my parents were gone.

I didn't give up, I wanted Pei Tingqing to do a paternity test, but I felt that it was too insulting to Pei Tingqing's identity, so I also gave up............ I hid too many thoughts in my heart, I bear it alone, I don't show it, even Pei Tingqing is not sure whether I like him or not, he doesn't know what I'm thinking.

I am not a complicated person, but I am a very tangled person, in the case of a long time without a way out, once there is an obstacle in front of me and Pei Tingqing, my reason immediately overcame my feelings, so after the balance in my heart topple, I chose to flee.

I'm too single-minded in my relationship, if I start a relationship, I'll definitely be 100% serious, what I'm pursuing is a couple for a lifetime, if I give my body to a man, it means that I identify him, this life will not change, I must have a result.

But Pei Tingqing can't give me a future, can't give me the consummation I want, so I'd rather not pursue this process, I'd rather give up the pain, and to put it bluntly, a man who can't give himself a future, is it worth your effort to spend on him?

I have to talk about a love affair with a happy ending.

Pei Tingqing saw me and Wei Chengshu hugging each other in Wei Chengshu's apartment that day, and then I had the most serious quarrel with Pei Tingqing in history, in fact, I knew that it was easy to explain clearly, not to the point of getting into that kind of trouble, but I seemed to be deliberately making the misunderstanding deeper and deeper, until finally Pei Tingqing said that we were over, so that I would not appear in his sight again in the future.

At that moment I thought I was relieved, I was right to choose to end this nondescript relationship, I didn't regret it at all, but the moment it really came, when I watched Pei Tingqing close the door and leave, I realized that my heart was so painful, and I realized how important he was to me, even more than I imagined.

As soon as he left, I regretted it.

It was because of this incident that I realized that it was more important for me to love Pei Tingqing than to adhere to morality and ethics, that is to say, I would rather go against everything, and I would also love Pei Tingqing, a man, as he sang to me later——— the world is turned upside down, hysterical, and suffocating.

Because I was young and brave, and fearless, after I decided to fight hard, I really no longer considered all the realities and consequences, so I did not hesitate to gamble with my life, in order not to take the college entrance examination, I could put down everything and follow Pei Tingqing to South Africa.

But in fact, Pei Tingqing is reluctant to sacrifice my future like this, just like he said on the plane that night, he wants me to choose the university and major I like, in fact, I really want to go to that school in Japan, but I can really give up for Pei Tingqing.

I also know that Pei Tingqing can't confront Pei Zongyou at present, he is afraid that he will not be able to protect me, and he is afraid that I will be hurt and wronged, so he would rather send it to the place of my dreams............ He thought everything through, all from my point of view, and all for my good.

But I don't want to, I want to be with him willfully, even if there are too many difficulties and obstacles ahead, I am not afraid, I have to accompany him to go on.

However, this time he did not cling to me, he did not indulge my willfulness, he arranged the best path for me, but he chose the one that was not easy to follow alone.

He said let me wait for him, and he will definitely come back to me, so because of this promise, how much does he have to pay to return to me again one day in the future?

So how can I be resentful of such a man? After calming down, my heart could no longer tolerate other emotions except pain.