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I can hardly remember what kind of conversation Y started with, generally speaking, the content of our QQ chat at work is very small, and everyone is busy. But that day, Y's attitude suddenly became stiff and stiff, I said what's wrong with you, and he didn't react after a long time.

It hasn't been a response.

Although I like the Cold War very much, I always have a reason in advance. This time I didn't, and suddenly my attitude became rough.

I left a message and asked twice, but he still didn't respond.

As the morning drew on, I suddenly had a very bad feeling.

Did he know anything?

Oh, my God!

My mind went blank and my legs went limp.

I couldn't think rationally about how and how he knew, all that was running in my head was: What should I do now?

First of all, I can't startle the snake. If my inference is wrong, or if he is only suspicious and has no conclusive evidence, my inexplicable anxiety and positive actions will show even more weakness. So I can't take the initiative to ask.

Behave and wait and see, but mentally prepare for the worst.

What's the worst possible outcome?

Y found irrefutable and conclusive evidence, or even knew the whole truth.

So what do I want?

Not to get divorced, of course.

I'm reminded of a small talk I had with Y earlier. I asked him tentatively, "What if I cheat on you?" Without even thinking about it, Y said, "Then I definitely don't want you." You'd better not think like that. ”

So kneeling down and asking for forgiveness has almost zero effect. I had a picture of myself crying and tearing at the hem of my pants, which I would have done if it worked. If it didn't work, would I pretend to be cold, neither cry nor speak, but let him reflect on his own reasons?

Y may do this, but the end result will be divorce.

Looks like you're going to get divorced!

My thoughts immediately stretched to what I would do if I were faced with this outcome.

First I think of my parents.

The divorce was undoubtedly the biggest blow to them, especially to my mom, who always believed that I was so good. In addition, if they knew the truth, they would simply cut me down and scold me for doing my own wrongs. My dad has a bad heart, and this matter must be handled with caution.

In everyone's opinion, it is a flash marriage.

I probably don't have the face to ask Y to hide the reason for the divorce.

Jobs have to be changed, and the city may not be able to stay. I suddenly understood why Y's ex-wife ran away.

Especially since I am still a woman, the nuclear bomb of public opinion will explode in an instant: my colleagues, L's colleagues, my former colleagues, my friends (except for Xiao M), friends' families, people who may know in the future...... will know. No matter where I fled, I would be like a wanted criminal, with a heavy shell on my back, hiding in Tibet, and even if I got to know someone again, I had to be afraid every day, afraid that he/she would know about my old background one day, and I would be disgusted and spread around again.

How did the re-released prisoners get a new lease of life? Do they really have a new life? Why do I feel like I'm infected with a deadly virus that affects and spreads wherever I go? It's as if someone has been labeled on his forehead as "come and see a bitch", and a man will contemptuously rub the oil and warn his wife not to touch an immodest woman like me.

It was the first time I had imagined the consequences of the East Window incident so seriously, and the scope of the incident was so huge that it scared me into a cold sweat.

The feeling of waiting for the HIV test results to be "death sentenced" has returned. It's horrible! It's unbearable! It's like when you're forced to commit suicide, only to find that there's only one way to do it.

Those who have not experienced it will not appreciate what it is like to live rather than die.

I didn't eat lunch and sat in front of the computer in a daze. I was going to send a simple sentence to Y, I wrote and deleted, deleted and wrote. What am I going to say? After all, everything is uncertain now. I thought of calling Y immediately, but I couldn't do it: if I said A and he responded with B, or C, how do I respond? So what if I say d?

In the end, I decided not to say anything&mdah, let alone call here without money&mdah, just like I used to talk at work, and when I was busy, I forgot to reply, and I didn't pursue it. It's just that today, I'm actually deliberately playing dumb.

Keeping a death-like silence, it's easy to stay up until I get home from work.

I saw Y enter the door and watched his expression closely.

It's a bit sommy. He lowered his head to change his shoes as soon as he entered, and didn't deliberately look at me.

"Why do you seem to be a little upset?" I continued to probe.

Y said, "No." ”

There was displeasure in the tone.

I'm beginning to suspect that he doesn't know yet.

What to do? Respond to change with the same.

I have neither bent hearts nor bluffs. I calmly did the usual chores, waiting for the right moment.

After eating, I took the initiative to wash the dishes, and Y sighed and said, "It seems that this project will not last long." ”

I stood in front of the sink without moving, and the nerves that were tense to the extreme under my calm face broke for a moment.

"Oh, why?" I replied softly, and I really let out a long sigh of relief.

That night I fell asleep with Y in my arms, and my heart was overturned, and I told myself: You will never be able to endure such a life! Let's go! Run! Now is the time! It's not too late!

The second day, the third day, I lived in deep horror and self-blame.

On the fourth day, Y happily said that his project had made new progress and was happily going to invite me out to dinner in the evening. Before leaving work, L called: "Are you free at noon tomorrow?" ”

I smiled and said, "Yes." ”

The human heart is really unpredictable. Before the crime or surrender, criminals will have a fluke mentality, and even if they decide to wash their hands, it is not because they are afraid that they will be caught. The atmosphere is peaceful, the mood is calm, and some of it seems as if it has never changed, like a frog boiled in warm water, and I deceive myself into announcing to the world with a blindfolded leaf: "You can't see me!" "I looked up from my lost soul and seemed to have regained my intelligence, despised the fuss I had made before, confident that my seamless planning and response would not go wrong, that life would go on and the sun would rise. I was walking to work like a nobody.

But I'm actually very timid.

After this false alarm, some part of the foundation of my heart began to waver&mdah, as if it had just learned that the fruit that grew on it would poison itself to death, and that it would die a miserable death.