The New Year is coming. It's the first big thing of the year. With the exception of those who are overly indebted, everyone warmly welcomes the arrival of the festive season. But this festival didn't come out of nowhere; It slowly approaches day by day, bringing something new every day. The whole city came alive. Even the streets are full of pedestrians, and there are more people than usual. Suddenly there were many lanterns, toys and firecrackers in the market, and the sound of horns could be heard everywhere.

Although the Gao Mansion is located on a very quiet street, this gentleman's family, which is very calm on the surface, is also active. Adults are busy preparing all kinds of supplies for the New Year's etiquette and daily life. Naturally, the servants were also busy with their masters, while still waiting for the New Year's bounty and entertainment. In the evening, the cook cooks dim sum and rice cakes in the kitchen; During the day, the mistresses of each room, both large and small, gathered in the old lady's room, and sometimes under the window of the upper right room, or folded gold and silver ingots, which were prepared for the worship of the ancestors; Or paper-cut flowers (red and green) are prepared to be pasted on paper windows or placed on top of oil lamp trays. Old lady Gao is still the same as usual, rarely at home during the day. He either went to the theater to watch a play or went to an old friend's house to play cards. Two or three years ago, he and a few old friends organized a meeting of the Nine Elders, taking turns to feast and entertain guests, or to appreciate each other's collections of paintings, calligraphy, and antiques. Juexin and his third uncle Keming instructed the servants at home to arrange everything and prepare for the New Year. Lights were hung in the hall, and red satin embroidered screens were hung on the wooden walls on both sides. The portraits of the ancestors who lie high in the box are also taken out and hung on the wall in the center in order to enjoy this annual offering.

The day before Chinese New Year's Eve is the day when the Gao family rules to eat New Year's dinner. They also call the New Year's dinner "Tuan Nian". That afternoon, Juehui and Juemin went to Juexin's office together. They bought several new magazines at the Huayang Books and Newspapers Circulation Office, as well as a translated novel "The Eve" published by the Commercial Press [note 1].

As soon as they reached the door of Juexin's office, they heard the sound of abacus beads inside, and they lifted the curtain and went in.

"You're out?" Juexin saw Juehui coming in, raised his head to look at him, and asked in surprise.

"I've been out there for the past few days, don't you know?" Juehui replied with a smile.

"So, what should Grandpa do?" Juexin looked embarrassed, but he still buried his head and dialed the abacus beads.

"I can't control so much, he knows, and I'm not afraid," Juehui said coldly.

Juexin glanced up at Juehui again, and then stopped talking. He only frowned, and continued to dial the abacus beads.

"It doesn't matter, where does Grandpa remember so many things? I think he must have forgotten," explained Kyaw-min, who sat down on the wicker chair in front of the window.

Jue Hui also sat on a chair by the wall with "The Night Before". He flipped the pages of the book at random, and read in his mouth:

Love is a great word, a great feeling...... But what kind of love are you talking about?

What kind of love? Any kind of love can be. I tell you, according to my meaning, all love, there is no difference. If you're in love......

Single-mindedly in love.

Juexin and Juemin both raised their heads and looked at him with suspicious eyes, but he didn't feel it, and continued to read in the same tone:

"The desire for love, the desire for happiness, nothing else! We are young people, not freaks, not fools, we should strive for happiness for ourselves! ”

A hot breath rushed up in his body, and he was so excited that his hands trembled, and he could not read any more, so he closed the book, picked up the tea bowl and took a few sips.

Chen Jianyun walked in from outside.

"Juehui, what were you talking about? You're so energetic," Jian Yun asked in his dry voice as he entered.

"I'm studying," Juehui replied. He opened the book again and read again on the pages he had seen earlier:

"The universe awakens our need for love, but it does not do its best to satisfy love."

There was a moment of silence in the room, and the sound of abacus beads had stopped.

"There is life and death in the universe......

There is also life and death in love. ”

"What does that mean?" Jian Yun whispered, and no one answered him.

An inexplicable horror flew in this small room, gradually suppressing it. A common feeling afflicted these four people in different situations.

"Only in such a society can there be such a life!" Jue Hui felt dull and uncomfortable, and said indignantly. "This kind of life is simply a waste of youth, a waste of life!"

This kind of thinking has been tormenting him a lot lately. When he was a child, he had a desire to be a completely different person from his elders. He followed his father, who was a county magistrate, through a lot of mountains and rivers, and saw many unusual scenes. He often dreamed of running away alone to a strange land and doing something unusual. In his father's yamen, his life also has a bit of fantasy. But once he returned to the provincial capital, his life was closer to ordinary reality. It was at that time that he began to gain a new understanding of the world. In this large gentleman's family, there are dozens of "subordinates" such as servants and palanquin drivers. They come from far and wide, but they are united by the same fate. These many strangers, who serve their common masters for a pittance, settle down to live in one place, like one big family, peacefully, even cordially, because they are all the same people, and if they have angered their masters, they do not know how to live the next day. Their fate aroused Kyaw Hui's sympathy. He had spent part of his childhood in this environment and was even loved by the servants. He often lay on the bed of the palanquin man in the stable, beside the cigarette lamp, and watched the thin old palanquin man smoke a big cigarette while telling the story of his youth; He often sat around a fire in the stables with the "subordinates" and listened to them recount the deeds of the sword immortals. At that time, he often dreamed that he would grow up in the future and be a swordsman who robbed the rich and helped the poor, without a family, with a sword by himself, drifting everywhere. Then he went to middle school, and his world changed. Books and lectures from the instructors gradually cultivated his patriotic fervor and reformist beliefs. He became a loving reader of Liang Rengong's inflammatory articles. At this time, his favorite books were "The Soul of China" and "The Drinking Ice Room", and he even agreed with the conscription system advocated by Liang Rengong in "National Training", as well as the mind of throwing pen to paper. But the May Fourth Movement suddenly brought him a new world. After Liang Rengong's ideas were shattered, he hurriedly embraced new and more radical doctrines with great zeal. He became what his eldest brother called him, or rather, "humanitarian". The eldest brother's first reason was that he refused to sit in a sedan chair. At that time, he thought about the meaning of life for the first time because he read articles such as "The True Meaning of Life" and "The Origin of Life Problems". But at first he understood only vague concepts. The experience of life, especially the solitary life in recent days, the inner struggle and the reading of books, gradually broadened his horizons. He began to understand what life is all about and what it is like to be a human being. He began to hate this life of wasting his youth and wasting his life. But the more he hated this life, the more he saw more invisible fences standing around him, preventing him from getting rid of it completely.

"This kind of life is really damned!" Jue Hui became even more irritated when she thought of this. He inadvertently met Juexin's blank eyes, and quickly turned his head, and saw Jian Yun's melancholy, tolerant expression again. He turned his eyes to look at Juemin, who was reading with his head buried in his head. There was a deathly silence in the room. He felt something bite his heart. He cried out unbearably:

"Why don't you speak? …… You, curse y'all! ”

The crowd looked at him in amazement, wondering why he was screaming.

"Why curse us?" Juemin closed the book and asked gently; "We, like you, are all begging for a living in this big family."

"That's why!" Jue Hui still said resentfully. "You always endure, you don't resist at all. How long will you have to endure it? You say you are against the old family, but in fact you are for the old family. Your thoughts are new, but your actions are old. You don't have the guts! …… You are contradictory, you are all contradictory! At this point he forgot that he himself was also contradictory.

"Third brother, calm down, what's the benefit of you arguing like this? You have to do things slowly," Juemin said gently, "what can you do alone?" You should be aware that the existence of the extended family system has its economic and social context. The latter sentence was something he had just seen in a magazine, and he said it naturally. He added, "Our pain is not necessarily less than yours." ”

Jue Hui inadvertently turned her head and met Jue Xin's eyes, which looked at him melancholy, as if they were reproaching him. He buried his head and opened the book in his hand, and after a while, his voice sounded again:

"Abandon them! My father did not say to me in vain: 'We are not extravagant families, we are not nobles, we are not beloved sons of fate and nature, and we are not martyrs yet. We are just laborers. Put on our own leather aprons and do our own work in our own dark factory. Let the sun shine on others! In our bleak life, we also have our own pride, our own happiness! ’”

This passage is simply a portrayal for me. But where is my pride? Where is my own happiness? Jian Yun thought in his heart.

"Happiness? Where exactly is happiness? Is there really such a thing as happiness in the world? Juexin sighed.

Juehui glanced at Juexin, then buried her head and turned the page forward, turned to the page with creases, and read the following words aloud, as if replying to Juexin:

"We are young people, not freaks, not fools, we should strive for happiness for ourselves!"

"Third brother, please don't read it," Juexin pleaded bitterly.

"Why?" Juehui asked.

"You don't know how hard I feel. I'm not youth, I'm not youthful. I am not happy, and I will never be," these words may seem very angry to others, but when Juexin speaks, there is only a sad tone.

"Don't you have happiness, don't you even dare to listen to what others say about fighting for happiness?" Jue Hui said this unceremoniously to his eldest brother, and he was very dissatisfied with his eldest brother's increasingly compromised lifestyle.

"Alas, you don't know me, your environment is different from mine," Juexin pushed away the abacus, sighed, looked at Juehui and said; "You're right, I'm afraid to hear people talk about happiness because I don't have any hope of happiness anymore. That's the end of my life. I don't resist because I don't want to resist, and I'm willing to be a victim myself. …… Like you, I have had wonderful dreams, but they have been broken. None of my hopes have ever been realized. My happiness has long been deprived of me. I don't blame anyone else. I voluntarily took the burden off my father's shoulders. You will not understand my pain. …… I still remember what my dad told me when he was sick. The day before my father died, the fifth sister died, and my mother went to cook the funeral utensils for her. Although the fifth sister is only six years old, this news also saddened her father who was sick. With tears in his eyes, he took my hand and said, 'Xin'er, when your mother was dying, she gave me six of your brothers and sisters, and now there is one less, how can I be worthy of your mother?' My father wept and wept, and said, 'I am afraid that my sickness will not be cured, so I will hand over my stepmother and my siblings to you, and you will take good care of them for me.' I know your temperament, and you will not disappoint me. I couldn't help but cry out loud. Grandpa had just walked under the window, thinking his father was dead, and walked in gasping for breath. When he saw this, he scolded me for not causing my father to be sad, and comforted him a few words. Later, my grandfather called me into his room and asked me what was the matter. I'm telling the truth. Grandpa also shed tears. He waved me back and served the sick properly. Late that night, my father called me to the bed to take notes on the will, my mother took the candlestick, and your eldest sister carried the ink cartridge. Dad said a sentence, I wrote a sentence, and I cried while writing. Dad died the next day. The burden on my father's shoulders shifted to mine. From then on, I couldn't help but cry when I thought of my father's illness, and I felt that I had no other way but to sacrifice. I am willing to be a sacrifice. But that's it, I'm sorry for my father, because I lost your eldest sister again......" The more Juexin continued, the more sad he became, and tears fell and flowed into his mouth. He stammered, and at the end he leaned over the table and couldn't lift his head.

Jue Hui's tears were about to flow, but he tried his best to hold back. He looked up. He saw Jian Yun wiping his eyes with a handkerchief, and felt that the magazine was covering his face.

Juexin lifted his face off the table, wiped away the tears, and continued:

And many things that you do not know. I'm going to talk the same old story again. One year, my father was sent to be the canonical history of Dazu County,[note 2] I was just over five years old at that time, and none of you were born. Mom and Dad took me and your eldest sister there. At that time, the area was not very peaceful, and my father had to go out every night to guard the city, and when he came back, it was always after one o'clock. We waited at home for him to come back before going to sleep. At that time, I was already known by my family as a sensible person. Every night, I talked to my mother with pine nuts or melon seeds. My mother asked me to study hard and fight for her, and she told me with tears in her eyes about the anger she suffered when she married into our family to be a daughter-in-law. I either shed tears with her or made her laugh. I said that I want to study hard, as long as I do the Eight Mansions Patrol in the future, my mother will be able to raise her eyebrows. I studied hard after that. Mom gradually let go of her sorrows. After a few months, the province appointed another person to pick up his father. When we were leaving, my mother told me about my father's pain with tears in her eyes. At this time, my mother had been pregnant with her second brother for seven or eight months. Dad was very anxious, afraid that she would work the road, but there was no way, so he had to go. In less than two months after returning to the province, I gave birth to your second brother. In the second year, my father went to Beijing as a member of Banzhi County [note 3] to introduce [note 4]. Mom waited anxiously day and night at home, and then the third brother was born. At this time, my father was refuted in Beijing because of the inspection [note 5] and was trapped in the capital, and when the news came, my grandfather was often angry, and the people in the family also teased him from time to time. Mom was very sad, and only me and your eldest sister were by her side to comfort her. Every time she received a letter from her father, she would shed tears for a day or two. It wasn't until she received a letter from her father saying that she had been introduced to go home after the Mid-Autumn Festival, that she sighed deeply, which was relieved, but she had had enough. In short, my mother married into our family until she died, and she did not enjoy happiness. She loves me so much and expects me, what am I going to repay her? …… For the sake of my mother, I am sacrificing everything, even sacrificing my future completely, and I am willing. As long as my younger siblings grow up, be good people, and fight for my parents, my life's goal will be realized.

When Juexin said this, he took out a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the tears on his face.

"Big brother, don't be sad, we know you," said Juemin, who hid his face behind the magazine.

Jue Hui let the tears flow, but he immediately stopped them. He thought to himself, "Let the past be buried!" Why dig up the graves of the past? But he couldn't help but grieve for his deceased parents.

"Third brother, what you just read is very good. I am not a luxury, not a beloved son of fate and nature. I'm just a laborer. I wore my own apron, in my own dark factory, doing my own work. Juexin gradually quieted down, he looked at Juehui and smiled desolately, and then said; But I am a laborer who does not have happiness of my own, I-" He had just said the word "I", when he suddenly heard a cough outside the window, he showed a frightened expression, changed his tone and whispered to Juehui: "Grandpa is here, what should I do?" ”

Jue Hui looked slightly surprised, but immediately fell silent again. He said lightly, "What's the matter? He doesn't eat people. ”

Sure enough, the old lady Gao opened the curtain and walked in, and the servant Su Fu followed him and stopped at the door. All four people in the room stood up to greet him. Juemin also gave him a rattan chair to sit on.

"You're all here!" A smile appeared on Old Lady Gao's dark yellow face, probably because she was happy in her heart, and her appearance also looked kind. He said gently: "You can go back, today's 'reunion year', everyone should go home early." He sat down on a wicker chair in front of the window. But after a while he stood up again and said, "Xin'er, I want to buy something, you can come with me to have a look." He waited for Juexin to answer, then pushed open the curtain and lifted his cotton-shoeed foot out of the threshold. Juexin and Su Fu also went out.

When Juemin saw his grandfather go out, he stuck out his tongue at Juehui and said with a smile, "He really forgot about you." ”

"If I obey like my eldest brother, I'm afraid I'll be locked up at home forever," Juehui said. "Actually, I've been fooled. Grandpa was angry, but it was only a matter of time. As soon as it passed, he forgot everything. Where does he remember the painful solitary life I lived at home? …… Let's go back, we don't have to wait for the eldest brother, he will go back in a sedan chair. Let's go early, so we don't run into grandpa again. ”

"Okay," Juemin agreed, and then turned back to Jian Yun and asked, "Are you leaving?" ”

"I'm going back too, I'll go with you all the way."

The three of them walked out together.

On the way, Juehui was very excited. He closed the grave of the past deeply. He thought:

"I'm a young man, I'm not a freak, I'm not a fool, I want to fight for my own happiness."

He was very glad that he was not a big brother.

[Note 1] "The Eve", by Turgenev, translated by Shen Ying. This translation was published in Shanghai in August 1921, and I have brought it forward by ten months here.

[Note 2] Classical History: The official name of the Qing Dynasty. This is the subordinate official of the county, who is in charge of the county prison and the arrest of thieves and thieves.

[Note 3] Passing the class to know the county: The officials of the Qing Dynasty were promoted by the senior officials, or made a donation (such as repairing the gap in the Yellow River, etc.), so they were promoted, which was called "passing the class". Juexin's father, Gao Kewen, was promoted from the classic history to the county, which is called "Guoban Zhixian".

[Note 4] Introduction: Gao Kewen went to Beijing as a county magistrate, and the head of the ministry led him to meet the emperor, which is called "introduction", and each introduction was carried out by a group of ten people. After the introduction, you can get a photo out of Beijing, and listen to the vacancy.

[Note 5] Inspection: After Gao Kewen arrived in Beijing, before being introduced, the ministers sent by the point first inspected his appearance, state, and resume, etc., which was called "inspection". If the inspection is not qualified, it cannot be introduced.