Gao Juexin is the person that Brother Juemin calls "big brother". Although he was born to the same mother and lived in the same family, their circumstances were different. Juexin is the eldest son in this room, and he is the eldest grandson of the long house in this big family. Because of this, his fate was decided when he was born.

He has a beautiful appearance, he has been very intelligent since he was a child, and he is loved by his parents at home and praised by his husband in a private school. People who saw him said that he would have great achievements in the future, and even his parents were secretly glad to have such a "Ning Xin'er".

He grew up in a loving environment, and reached the age of middle school. He was a high-achieving student in high school, and when he graduated from four years, he was ranked first. He is very interested in chemistry and plans to continue his studies at famous universities in Shanghai or Beijing after graduation, and he also wants to study in Germany. His mind was filled with beautiful fantasies. During that period, he was the most envied person by his classmates.

But bad luck came. He lost his mother during the four years he was in high school, and his father later married a young stepmother. This stepmother was also a cousin of his dead mother. The environment seemed to have changed a little, and at least he had lost something. Of course, he knew, and deeply felt that there was no substitute for motherly love, but it did not leave a very significant scar on his heart. Because he has something more important, which is his future and his wonderful dreams. At the same time, he has another person who can understand him and comfort him, and that is one of his cousins.

But one day his illusion was finally broken, and it was brutally broken. The fact is this: the night after he had returned from his diploma in the praise of his mentors, his father called him into his room and said to him:

"You're a high school graduate now. I've already set up a family affair for you. Your grandfather wants to have a great-grandson, and I also hope to have a grandson as soon as possible. You have now reached the age of starting a family, and I want to give you a kiss as soon as possible, and also settle my heart. …… I have been an official outside for several years, and although I don't have much savings, I don't have to worry about personal food and clothing. I'm not in good health right now, and I want to recuperate at home, so I want you to help me with my housework, so you can't lose an internal helper. I have prepared the family affairs of the Li family. The thirteenth of the next month is a good day, and it will be decided on that day. …… I will get married within this year. ”

These words came too suddenly. He understood them all, but he didn't seem to understand. He didn't say anything, just nodded. He didn't dare to look into his father's eyes, even though his eyes were still gentle.

He doesn't say a word of rebellion, and he doesn't have the idea of rebellion. He just nodded, indicating that he was willing to obey his father's words. But then he went back to his room, closed the door, fell on the bed, covered his head with a bed, and wept over his shattered dreams.

Regarding the Li family's family affairs, he had vaguely heard people say it beforehand, but they didn't let him know, and he was embarrassed to ask. And he does not believe that such rumors will become true. It turned out that his handsome appearance and intelligence and studious had once moved the hearts of some gentlemen who had daughters to marry. The person who made him a matchmaker often came and went to the Gao Mansion. Later, after his father consulted with his stepmother, only the names of the two girls were not eliminated, because between the two girls, the father could not decide which one was more suitable to be his son's spouse, and the two families invited to be matchmakers were equally affectionate. So the father had to resort to casting lots, and wrote the surnames of the two girls on two small pieces of red paper, crumpled them in two, took them in his hands, went to the god of the ancestors, prayed sincerely, and then picked one at random. The Li family's family affairs were decided in this way. He didn't know the results of the casting of lots until that evening.

Yes, he also had a good dream of being a talented and beautiful woman, and he also had a favorite girl in his heart, that is, the cousin of the Qian family who could understand him and comfort him. At one time he even dreamed that his future spouse would be her, and prayed that it would be her, because the marriage of his aunt and cousin was a common thing in such a gentlemanly family. His relationship with her is so good. However, now his father has chosen another girl for him that he does not know, and has decided to marry within the year, his hopes of going to school have come to naught, and what he wants to marry is not the "her" he likes. It was a big blow to him. His future was ruined. His wonderful dreams were shattered.

He wept in despair, he closed the door, he covered his head with a blanket and cried. He doesn't resist, and he can't think of resisting. He endured. He obeyed his father's will and did not complain. But in his heart he wept bitterly for himself and for the girl he loved.

When it came to the day of engagement, he was toyed with like a puppet; And cherished like a baby. He does what people want him to do, and he has no joy or sorrow. He did these things as if it were his obligation. In the evening, when the guests had dispersed after the trick, he fell asleep weary and forgetful.

From then on, he left chemistry and everything he had learned in school. He kept the books he was looking through neatly in the bookcase and didn't touch them anymore. He spent the whole day without a destination. He played cards, went to the theater, drank wine, or listened to his father's instructions to prepare for marriage. He doesn't use his thoughts much, and he doesn't dare to use them much.

In less than half a year, the new spouse really came. My grandfather and father celebrated his wedding with a special stage at home. The marriage ceremony was not as simple as he imagined. He was acting himself, and he acted for three days in a row before he got his spouse. In the past few days, he has been toyed with like a puppet; Cherished like a baby. He had no joy and no sorrow. He was tired, but he was still a little excited. But after this time the trick was done, and the guests dispersed, he could not forget everything and fell asleep, for there was a girl he did not know sleeping next to him. At this time, he still has to make a play.

He got married, his grandfather had a granddaughter-in-law, his father had a daughter-in-law, and many others had a short laugh, but he didn't get nothing himself. He got a gentle girl who could be considerate of him, and she was no worse than his cousin's. He was satisfied, and for a short time he had enjoyed all sorts of pleasures which he had not previously anticipated, and for a short time he had forgotten the wonderful dreams of the past, of another girl, of his future. He was satisfied. He was intoxicated, intoxicated by the love of a young girl. He always has a smile on his face and hides in his room all day to accompany his new wife. The people around him envied his happiness, and he thought he was happy.

And it came to pass on this month, that one day and in the evening, his father called him into his room and said to him:

"Now that you have a family, you should live on your own earnings, so as not to gossip. I raised you to such a big age, and married you a daughter-in-law, and finally fulfilled my responsibilities as a father. The rest is entirely up to you. …… Although the family has money to send you to continue your studies below, one is that you already have a wife, and the other is that there is no separation now, and I am in charge of the accounts myself, so it is not good to send you down. …… And if you go down there to study, grandpa must not approve of it. It's not good for you to be idle at home. …… I have already found a position for you, in Xishu Industrial Company, although the salary is not much, it is enough for the two of you to have pocket money. As long as you do things well, you will definitely have a bright day in the future. Tomorrow you will go to the company's office to do something, and I will take you there. We also have a lot of shares in this company, and I am still a director. A few of my colleagues in the office are my friends, and they will take care of you. ……”

The father continued to speak flat sentence by sentence, as if these words were extremely common. He listened, and he answered. He didn't say he wanted to or wouldn't. A thought swirled through his head: "It's all over." He had a lot of words in his heart, but he didn't say a word.

The next afternoon, his father told him a few things about the proper way to do things in society, and he remembered them one by one. The two sedan chairs took their father and son to the back door of the commercial field operated by the Xishu Industrial Company. He followed his father to the office and met the hunchbacked manager Huang who was in his forties with a beard, the accountant Chen who looked like an old woman, the slender Wang bookkeeper, and two or three other ordinary-looking clerks. The manager asked him a few words, and he simply replied as if he were an endorsement. Although these people were very polite to him, he always felt that they were not the same kind of people as him in conversation and behavior; And he wondered why he had rarely seen such people before.

His father left first, leaving him there, frightened and lonely, as if abandoned on a desert island. He didn't do anything, he sat in the manager's room alone and watched the manager talk to others. He sat like this for more than two hours. The manager suddenly saw him and said politely to him: "It's okay today, please go back, brother." Like a prisoner pardoned, he happily hired a sedan chair to go home, urging the sedan chair man to go quickly along the way, and he felt that there was nothing more lovely in the world than home.

When he returned home, he first went to see his grandfather and listened to some lectures; Then I went to see my father, and I gave another lecture. At last he returned to his room, and his wife asked him again whether he had received some comfort from her. After having breakfast at home at 10 a.m. the next day, he went to the company and did not return home until 4 p.m. On this day, he had his own office and began to work under the guidance of his manager and colleagues.

In this way, at the age of nineteen, he strode into society. Gradually, he became acquainted with the environment, learned new ways of life, and gradually forgot what he had learned during his four years of secondary school. This kind of life is no longer strange to him. When he received his first salary of thirty dollars in cash, his heart was filled with joy and sorrow, partly because it was the first time he had earned it, and partly because it was the price he had earned from selling his future. But after living a dull life month after month, he received the salary of 30 yuan a month, and he no longer had any special feelings, no joy or sorrow.

This kind of life can still be lived, without joy or sorrow. Although he had to see those faces every day, listen to those tasteless conversations, and do those dull things, everything around him was still calm and stable. The family did not bother him, and let him and his wife go about their family life quietly.

However, in just half a year, another big change happened in his life: the epidemic took away his father, and the cries of him and his siblings could not keep his father. The father went and put the responsibility of this room on his shoulders. There is a stepmother above, two younger sisters at home and two younger brothers who are studying at school. He was only twenty years old.

His heart was full of sorrow, he cried for his dead father, but he never thought that his own situation had become more miserable. His sorrow soon faded, and he seemed to have forgotten his father altogether after his coffin was buried in the ground. Not only did he forget his father, but at the same time he forgot everything about the past, and he even forgot his youth. He calmly placed the burden of this large family on his young shoulders. In the first few months, the burden was not too heavy, and he did not find it difficult to carry it. But as soon as the short period passed, many arrows, visible and invisible, began to be fired at him, and he dodged some of them, but some of them landed at him. He had a new vision, and he saw a different side of this gentleman's family. Beneath the surface of peace and love, he saw hatred and struggle, and he himself became a target. Although his environment made him forget his youth, the fire of youth still burned in his heart. He was angry, he struggled, and he thought his actions were justified. However, the result of the struggle only brought him more troubles and more enemies. This extended family is organized into four rooms. His grandfather originally had five sons, but his second uncle died at an early age. In the existing four rooms, in addition to his own room, the third uncle is closer to him, the fourth uncle and the fifth uncle are not very good to him, especially the fourth aunt because his stepmother inadvertently offended her, and secretly quarrels with his room, the fifth aunt is provoked by the fourth aunt, and often opposes his stepmother. As a result of their efforts, a lot of gossip about him or his room spread.

His struggle was fruitless. And he's tired, too. He thought, what's the benefit of constantly clashing with the elders like this? The fourth and fifth aunts, plus an Aunt Chen, they will always be like that. He couldn't convince them, so why should he waste his energy in trouble? So he invented a new way of dealing with the world, or more so a way of doing things. He tried his best to avoid conflict with them, he tried to perfunctory them as much as he could, he was very respectful to them, he played cards with them, he bought things for them. …… In short, he sacrificed part of his time to please them, just to live a few days of quiet life.

Soon his eldest sister Shurong died of lung disease. Although this brought him sorrow, he also felt a little lighter in his heart, and it seemed that the burden on his shoulders was lightened a little.

Some time later, his first baby was born, and it was a boy. He was grateful to his wife for this, for the birth of his son brought him great joy. He felt that he was no longer a hopeless person, and that his previous wonderful dreams would never have a chance to come true. He lives only to carry the burden on his shoulders; He only lived to maintain the family left by his father. But now he has a son, who is his own blood, the one he loves best, and he can raise him well and bring his ambitions to life in him. The son's happiness is his own happiness. He found a little comfort in thinking about it. He felt that his sacrifice was not entirely in vain.

Two years later, the May Fourth Movement took place. The newspaper was in full swing to awaken his forgotten youth. Like his two brothers, he voraciously read the news of Beijing in the local newspapers and the subsequent strikes in Shanghai and Nanjing in early June. Articles from the New Youth and the Weekly Review were reprinted in local newspapers. So he bought a copy of the recently published New Youth and two or three copies of the Weekly Review at the Huayang Books and Newspapers Circulation Office, the only newspaper in the city that sold new books and newspapers. One by one, the words in these publications ignited the enthusiasm of their brothers like a spark. The novelty and the exuberant prose overwhelmed the three of them with an irresistible force, convincing them without long thought. As a result, "New Youth", "New Trend", "Weekly Review", "Weekly Review", "Young China" and so on have all come to their hands one after another. They bought both the previously published and newly published magazines "New Youth" and "New Trend" as long as they could buy them, and even the predecessor of "New Youth", "Youth Magazine", was picked up by the old clerk from the pile of old books and delivered to them.

Every night, he and his two brothers took turns reading the books and newspapers, and even the bulletin board refused to let go. They sometimes discuss the issues discussed in these books. His two brothers' ideas were more advanced than his. They often referred to him as a supporter of Liu Bannong's "doctrine of contrivance" [note 1]. He himself often said that he liked Tolstoy's "non-resistance". In fact, he did not read Tolstoy's own article on this subject, but later came across a "Tale of Ivan the Nerd" [note 2].

"Doctrine of Action" and "Non-Resistance Doctrine" are indeed of great use to him, because it is this "ism" that integrates the theory of "New Youth" with the reality of their big family without any conflict. It gave him comfort and made him convince him of the new theories on the one hand, and on the other hand live according to the old environment, without feeling contradictory. So he became a man with two personalities: in the old society, in the old family, he was a young master full of twilight; When he was with his two brothers, he was a new young man. This way of life was, of course, unknown to his two brothers, and therefore often provoked their rebuke. But he also endured it calmly. He continued to read books and newspapers on new ideas and continued to live the old way.

He saw his son grow up slowly, from learning to crawling to walking, and to speak short words. The child was very sweet and smart, and he poured out almost all his love into this child, and he thought, "What I want to do but can't do, he should do for me." Because he loves children, he is reluctant to hire a wet nurse to feed them, and asks his wife to raise the children by herself, but fortunately, his wife's milk is also enough. Such a thing seems to be a pioneering thing in this gentleman's family, so it has caused all kinds of gossip from outsiders. But he endured it all, believing that he did it for the happiness of his children, and his wife also realized his thoughts, and was satisfied with his method.

Every night, his wife always goes to bed with the children first, and he goes to bed late. When he was dying, he always looked at the innocent sleeping face of the child who was lying next to his wife, or sleeping on his wife's wrist. This countenance made him forget everything about himself, he only felt infinite love, he couldn't help but lean his head down to kiss that beautiful little face, and muttered a few slurred words in his mouth. The words didn't make any sense, they came out of his mouth naturally, so naturally, like a fountain spewing out of a water pipe. They are simply expressions of gratitude, hope, and love.

He didn't know that when he was a child, he had received such love from his parents, and he had heard such words of gratitude, hope, and love from his parents.

[Note 1] Liu Bannong's short essay "Zuoyiism", in New Youth, Vol. 5, No. 5 (October 1918).

[Note 2] "The Tale of Ivan the Nerd" is a short story by Tolstoy (translated by Sun Fuyuan), see New Wave, Vol. 2, No. 5 (June 1920).