In the spring of 1983, my time seemed to stop forever.

Time seems to be nothing, but it is also a measure of time. I didn't know that my father, Huang Weiguo, was crazy, and my mother didn't tell me, so I called me in Yunnan, and hung up without saying anything. I won't know about my parents' affairs, if they are not related to death.

At the same point in the world, people live in harmony and peace, and they do not know that many people have fallen into hell for this harmony and peace. The memory of time is like this, on one side is life, on the other hand is death, and the suffering of the world gives the empty time a vivid content. Some people sacrifice for their mission, some people live worse than die for loyalty, and some people drive themselves crazy for their beliefs. Time is meaningless, and human suffering gives it meaning. At the same point in time, there is birth, there is death, there is joy, there is sorrow, there is the catastrophe of personal fate, there is a sudden change in the fate of a nation, there is a sudden arrival of a national crisis, this is impermanence. When the sun rises in the eastern hemisphere, it falls into night in the western hemisphere, and when the sun rises in the western hemisphere, it falls into the night in the eastern hemisphere, which is also impermanent, there is no eternal sunshine, and there is no eternal night. Impermanence is the normal state of the world, impermanence is the original law of things, impermanence seems to be accidental, but in fact it is inevitable. In the spring of 1983, my father, mother, and other people I would never know were busy with national affairs, and I was busy with Ah Yue.

I really can't tell a person about my family, first, I can't say, and second, I can't say clearly. What can a person say if he can't even tell his father and mother?

I remember when I was still a child.

I once asked my grandmother what kind of work my mom and dad do.

Grandma said: Their job just doesn't exist.

I asked what it meant to not exist.

Grandma said: You have so many problems, if they don't exist, they don't exist.

I said: Oh, "no" is also work.

I don't have any impression of my grandfather, many of my classmates have a grandfather, but I don't, and I can't say no, I just don't have any impression at all.

Yehena has been sitting next to me since the first grade of primary school, she is not like me, she has grandpa, grandma, father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, living a princess-like life, Yehena's mother participated in the War to Resist US Aggression and Aid Korea, and after the war, she went to work at the Chinese Embassy in France, so Yehena is dressed like a doll, and her body will exude a rose-like fragrance, some classmates say that it is the smell of French perfume. Ye Hena is always praised by the teacher, I am always criticized by the teacher, and the teacher is always criticized in a comparative way, saying: Huang Zijin, why can't you do what Ye Hena can do, one of you is the first in the class, and the other is the first in the class, the two of you are like one is the South Pole and the other is the North Pole, no, it's not like this, the two of you are completely two different classes, two extremes.

I said to the teacher: Teacher, I have a problem.

The teacher said, "Say it."

I said to the teacher, "Teacher, why doesn't the earth turn upside down?"

The teacher said: Are there any more questions?

I said, "Also, why doesn't the river flow backwards?"

The teacher said: Are there any more questions?

I said: Also, why don't glaciers melt in the sun?

The teacher said: Huang Zijin, I only have one question, why can't you take the first place in the class. You get up, you turn around, you go to the end of the classroom and you stand, that's the best place for you and it's for you, you can stand until the end of the school day, you know?

In those days, if there was no Ye Hena, it was really a "dark age", the teacher always felt that there was a problem with my tutor, and I never found anyone during the home visit, and asked me more than once: Huang Zijin, do you have any parents?

I said to the teacher, "Yes, I don't have parents, where did I come from?"

The teacher said: The students in our school are all cadre families, I don't know how you got into this school, a child from a working family, there is a problem with tutoring, so your academic performance is like this, I don't blame you, but I really can't understand what kind of father and mother your father and mother are?

But that period was the time of purity for me and Yehna. Yehena would tell me the heroic story of their family and say to me: Have you ever seen the movie Shangganling? My mom was inside. Ever heard of the Battle of Taierzhuang? My grandfather was the commander.

When I heard about the heroic history of the Yehena family, I worshipped Yehena like an angel. When I first heard Yehena say that her mother had participated in the War to Resist US Aggression and Aid Korea, I didn't believe it, Yehena showed me her mother's North Korean coins, as well as her mother's military uniform epaulettes, and medals, and I said to Yehena: Your mother is so powerful, it seems that you are not bragging.

Yehena said: I don't dare to give you the medal, the coins of the DPRK and the epaulettes of the military uniform are all given to you.

I said to Yehna: Really, it's too precious.

Yehena said: As long as you like it.

Thanks to the influence of the "angel" Yehna, my revolutionary ideal changed from being a scientist to being a hero. I really envy Yehena for having a heroic family, unlike me, a child from a working family, who has no story at all. So my low self-esteem and autism both started in childhood.

One day, when I was still in class, I was taken to the zero military hospital by two soldiers, a man and a woman, and the two soldiers in the car had a conversation and said: Military Attache Huang came back from abroad this time, and he was seriously injured, and he didn't know if he could survive this disaster this time.

When I walked into the ward, I saw my mother crying, and when she saw us entering the ward, she immediately stopped crying.

My father Huang Weiguo was lying on the hospital bed, his face was as white as a piece of paper, quiet as a silent person, I walked to the hospital bed, my father held my hand tightly with his hand, my father wanted to laugh but couldn't, wanted to say something to me but couldn't.

My father, Huang Weiguo, said to me: Son, if one day Dad leaves you forever, will you remember what Dad looks like?

I said to my father, Huang Weiguo: Why do you want to leave? I don't want you to leave, you leave, where do I go to find my father?

Dad couldn't say what he wanted to say, and tears wet the pillow under his head.

My mother looked depressed and said to my father on the hospital bed: You must get better.

Mom didn't even say a word to me that day.

On the way back to school, two servicemen said that the military attaché's wound this time was a new weapon equipped by the CIA, and the wound was too deep.

Later, it was these two soldiers who took me from school to the hospital, this time it was my mother who was lying on the hospital bed, my mother's voice was like a mosquito, and my mother said in my ear: If one day my mother is gone, then my aunt is my mother, you have to listen to my aunt's words, and you are not allowed to be naughty.

On that day, I said to my mother: Mom is Mom, Auntie is Auntie, Auntie is not Mom.

From that time on, every time I left my mother, I would say to her, 'I'll wait for her to come back.' From that time on, learn to hug Daddy, or let Daddy bite with his teeth.

I never seemed to have owned anything, did I have a home? No. Do you have mom and dad? Yes and no.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm an orphan myself, who seems to have everything, but in fact has nothing, and even my father and mother are a nothingness of existence. More than once I asked my father and mother, "What do you do?" Why not work hard in the factory? Why do I always let one of my children think about you? Why do you keep worrying about one of my children? Every time you leave, you always feel like you may never see you again? What kind of machine factory do you produce? None of my classmates have parents like you.

Once I felt a pistol from under my father's pillow, pointed it at my father, and learned the lines from the movie: Raise your hands, move, and I will kill you.

Dad raised his hand and said: Be careful, be careful, don't move, I surrender, I surrender.

Dad almost snatched the gun from my hand and said, "Don't touch the things of adults, I told you many times?"

I said, "Dad, you also play with a pistol?" It seems that you also want to be a hero. It's just that this shot is fake, and everyone in Yehena's family is a hero, so it's good to be a hero in the future.

Dad said: What kind of hero? That's going to kill people, read well.

At such times, my father and mother always said: children should not ask about adults, do their homework, study hard, and serve the country in the future.

I asked my mom and dad, "What is the country?"

Revolutionary comrade Huang Weiguo is not happy, there are so many problems in one child? The country is equivalent to your mother.

Then I asked, "What is the equivalent of Daddy?"

Revolutionary comrade Huang Weiguo said: Well, are you finished? Have you finished your homework?

I told him: Comrade Huang Weiguo, my homework has been completed, and you have not yet answered my question.

Revolutionary comrade Huang Weiguo said: This question should be asked to your "national" mother, and she should have an answer.

I said to revolutionary comrade Huang Weiguo: Dad lied to people, Mom also lied to people, you have been lying to me all the time, you are not good, you are dishonest, the teacher said to be honest, but you deceive your children, you have never told the truth, you are not a worker at all, I found that you have a gun under your pillow, why do workers use guns to shoot machines? So you're not workers, you're people with guns, you're the kind of people who defend the country, right? To defend the country is to defend your mother, so I don't blame you for being dishonest.

My father and mother looked at each other and said in unison, "This child is hard to deceive."