I killed my own children with my own hands.

I, Medea, can't even find a scapegoat for Iason, to hate, compared to Goujian. I should be the one who suffers the guilt.

At the end of the day, it was I who betrayed myself.

As I woke up from the heavy pain and dizziness, I found my husband lying at the head of my bed.

"Yiguang, he doesn't want to come," he choked up, "our children don't want to come......"

His hand holding my palm was warm, and he lay on my shoulder, letting out a childlike sob. I opened my eyes in amazement and looked at the man in front of me, who was so big and crying like a child who had lost a treasure.

I know why he's crying, I know what he's grieving, Chapter 194 I, Xi Shi, the named symbol (middle) Suddenly, something collided in my heart, a tenderness similar to pain that I hadn't seen for a long time, gradually and slowly merging in the air like a wave......

I began to comfort him awkwardly, I tried to say something to make him stop crying, and at that moment I felt something, a metamorphosis in my heart. After coming to Wu for the first time. I opened my eyes and took a hard look at everything around me.

…… and husbands.

My health was still very poor, and the unexpected miscarriage had taken a huge toll on my physical strength, as if the child had left behind a lot of curses and revenge before he left, and he was angry that he had somehow gone to the wrong place.

As instructed by my doctor, I was confined to bed.

It was getting hotter and the trees were getting more and more luxuriant. The river is also clearer, and from the high Gusu Terrace, the birds that breed in spring and summer, especially the geese, cannot withstand the heat and begin to fly north in flocks. When the spring mist finally turns to the midsummer glow, the warm red sunset begins to envelop the land, like a warm dream. The surface of the river was calm, but behind each wild goose, there was a slight Chapter 194 I, Xi Shi, the named symbol (middle) fine waves. From the thin tail of the wave, you can feel the river flowing slowly, or the geese swimming slowly. The green mountains on the other side of the water are clearly reflected in the river, and the shadow is not moving.

However, these are for the people who live on Gusutai. It can only be seen on a very cloudless sunny day. Gusutai towers into the clouds, and the clouds hide it in the air, silently cutting off the connection between the world and the palace.

Early in the morning, I sat on a large terrace outside Gusu Terrace, when the sun had not yet come out, and the morning glow was hazy and like a tide. A reddish glow extends to the surface of the clouds. The quiet water color dissolves into the glow and melts into a pan red wave. Even if the golden color of the midsummer morning moves to the clouds, it will not be soaked in a trace of coldness. The boundless sea of clouds unfolded on the other side of Gusutai, and the clouds in the east undulated like mountains, floating in the hazy light of the early morning, floating light purple and pink shadows. The pre-sunrise color over the palace grew thicker and thicker, reaching all the way above my head, and enveloping me.

I sat on the terrace, soaked in the cool morning breeze, my eyes slightly closed, listening to the bells hanging under the eaves of the palace tinkling in the breeze......

I couldn't help but think of my husband's eyes.

It was like a shepherd dog, with bright and gentle black eyes.

After that dangerous situation, my husband stayed with me for a longer time.

The warm early summer sun shines in in the afternoon, spreading every inch of gold softly on everyone, and the slight wind gently sweeps the sea of clouds outside the high platform, and the fragrant fragrance of summer flowers in full bloom comes to the nose. And at that time, he would often sit next to me and listen intently to my story.

About myself, I have never talked about it to anyone, first, I can hardly remember anything when I just entered the Yue Palace, and I can't talk about it to Gou Jian, and second, I can see that Gou Jian doesn't care about this, where I come from, who I am, these don't matter to Gou Jian. He just understands that I am important to him.

But husband, I don't know, this man seems to have maintained the curiosity of childhood. And adults after leaving early childhood. This curiosity is generally quickly abandoned. Most people consider themselves old when they reach the age of thirty. There is no need to change the map of life, for them, strange fresh information, as long as it does not match their old map, it must be wrong, and it can be completely ignored. They seem to have made up their minds to live their lives day in and day out.

But this was not the case with the husband, who seemed particularly interested in what I had said, no matter how absurd they sounded.

He listened to me say how I felt when I flew through the sky, and I sat on an airplane with a vast sea of clouds below, and they kept tumbling as if they were going all the way to the horizon; He listened to me tell about the scenery of foreign countries, and the tall dome was full of stories. God's fingers are just a little bit away from touching man; He looked at my paintings, the sky was marked by fireworks, thousands of cheerleading girls cheering for their teams, their backs with the words Ynee in red, men and women kissing in the crowd, and the cemetery buried the philosophers who had quarreled with the seamstress upstairs all their lives. "The self-affirmation of the will is the abiding desire itself, undisturbed by any knowledge", and the tall house with a spire, and the stained glass of the ** man crucified......

My husband likes to explore everything, even if it is a very obscure sentence, even I don't understand it, his house is full of bamboo slips all the year round, he often lies on it to look up words similar to those sentences, he even told me, is it not as long as he walks around Gusutai on time every afternoon, around so many decades, and finally he can come up with something extraordinary. He still likes to listen to me sing, and those ridiculous songs have never been sung, maybe it's because my brother used to put on his favorite discs every day. It's been a long time, and there are some broken tones. It came out of my head: if e lved yu, I lie I lve yu, I uld l y in me, I'd mve n, I'd nge my nme......

"What do you mean?" The husband asked.

"If he could love you as much as I do, I would leave with shame, I would move out of this city, I would change the name......"

"Who sang this song? What is it called? What about the back? ”

"I don't remember, I don't remember anything, just remember these two sentences." I shook my head, and if it weren't for the tune, I probably wouldn't have been able to remember these two lyrics. Music and language are stored in different parts of my mind, and all the music is not lost in the slightest.

Then I taught him to sing, sentence by sentence. If I am the only one who can sing, even if it is only two lines, it will be too lonely.

So when my husband offered to look for my hometown, I was not surprised at all. He had listened to me for too long and too much, and the doubts and curiosity in his heart had already accumulated too much.

He and I secretly left Gusutai, and except for a few close ministers, no one knew our whereabouts.

We started our search from the state of Wu, and after searching all over the territory of the state of Wu to no avail, we began to expand the scope of the country, including the state of Chu, the state of Qin, the state of Wei, the state of Jin, and the state of Qi......

It was an amazing journey, and we didn't have enough money to travel, and sometimes we couldn't afford even the cheapest hotels, so we had to rest in the mud in the suburbs. But no one complains about tiredness or hardship, as if they have reached a cognitive agreement: all kinds of hard work are worth it. Because it makes us more and more extraordinary.

Occasionally, we would stay somewhere for a few months, and my husband would do simple jobs like chopping wood or fishing to feed him and me. I stayed at home to cook, wash and sew to make the simple days a little more comfortable.

At that moment, it was as if we were the most ordinary kind of couple in the world, living according to the most primitive rules and relying on each other. It's just that we don't be like ordinary people, who are worn out by the routine of daily life. Tired of each other. Together, we share a crystal-clear world that no one else can enter.

It used to be my world, and Fucha seemed to have made up his mind to be with me for the rest of his life, so he consciously opened up his territory, gave up resistance completely, and asked me to bring him into my world.

As time went on, the two of us bonded closer and closer, like a smelted sphere. But the sphere was never so complete, because there was something between me and my husband, so distinct, so distinct, so distinct that none of us could ignore it.

That was my past with Gou Jian.

In the fourth year after leaving Wu, my husband and I once passed by the border of Chu State, and at noon in the hot summer, we were hungry and thirsty, but we were shy.

"Yiguang, I have a solution." He whispered close to me.

"What's the solution?" I look at him.

He didn't make a sound, but he stretched out his hand and pointed to the side. It was an orange orchard, and during the autumn harvest season, the oranges were ripe, and the golden fruits hung all over the branches.

"You want to steal oranges?" I was a little surprised.

When I said that, the husband's face showed a look of surprise.

"You can't say steal." He muttered, "Let's borrow a few oranges to quench our thirst, and then return them when we have the money in two days." ”

I couldn't help laughing: "If you take it without telling it, you steal, what do you want to borrow, people may not be willing to lend it to you." ”

As soon as we said it, the two of us sneaked into the orange grove and picked several oranges.

After picking a few, I felt that it was inappropriate, and I told my husband to stop.

Hearing me say this, the husband stopped and said, "Okay, let's go!" ”

Maybe our movement was a little bigger, and before we got out of the bamboo fence, we were noticed by the owner of the orange grove!

He shouted, "Oops! Someone steals oranges! Someone is here to catch the thief! ”

"Oops! Run, Wipe Out! "The husband shouted and dragged me out to run 1 Xiao said, α. tidy up

Two oranges fell out of his arms, but none of us cared about it, so we ran away.

A series of shouts followed us, and we didn't dare to turn our heads back, but just ran forward, which was really a shameful thing! Once someone is caught and asked for identity, then the whole world is a person. will know that the monarch and queen of Wu came to the countryside of Chu to steal oranges.

We kept running, shouting farther and farther away until we couldn't hear anything at all. That's when it stopped.

My husband and I gasped for breath, you look at me, I look at you, both of us couldn't help laughing!

"Look, how many are left?" I reached for the sack in his arms, and there were only three oranges left in it.

"Not bad, either." I said, "Let's eat two first, and the big one is the left, and we'll save it for the evening." ”

So we both sat down on the spot, and ate the two smaller oranges, and the hunger and thirst were temporarily relieved, and the man felt a little more comfortable.

I picked up the big orange that was left, looked at it carefully, and suddenly laughed.

"What's wrong?" The husband looked at me.

"This orange is very similar to you." I said, bringing the orange close to his face, "Strong! ”

He laughed, took the orange and looked at it, and said, "Really! It's a lot like me! ”

"The orange man is poor!" I laughed.

Then we continued on our way, tired from the rush we had just had, and after walking for a while, we stopped on the side of the road.

Drowsiness soon hit me, and I fell asleep in my husband's arms.

I had a dream about Gou Jian.

I haven't dreamed of Gou Jian for a long time, since I left Wu Guo, this person's shadow in my heart has become thinner and thinner, I thought I didn't care about the past at all, so many years have passed, people and the environment have changed drastically, I am long gone.

But I underestimated what Gou Jian meant to me, I once loved him so much, but in the end I had to abandon him, this man left an incomparably clear dark purple scratch on my heart.

In the dream, I saw him again, he was still hurt by the poison, he was in pain, that distorted and desperate face made me frightened and sad, I hugged him and cried, regretting that I had forgotten the pain he had suffered, at that moment. I hate to trade my life for his health and safety......

I woke up crying from my dream and found out. I was resting on my husband's lap, and my husband was staring at me with a strange look that I had never seen before.

I sat up in a hurry and wiped my tear-stained face with the back of my hand, and I looked at my husband in confusion, I didn't know how to explain it......

Then, I heard him whisper, "Just now, I heard you shouting Goujian." ”

My heart thumped!

He finally noticed!

At that time, the setting sun was already dim, and Fucha's face was blurred in the dim light.

"I heard you shouting Gou Jian, and as soon as you fell asleep, you started calling his name." He muttered, "I want to wake you up, but I can't,......"

The voice of the husband was an intonation I had never heard before, and I looked at him in a daze, not knowing what to do for a while!

"I've never seen you so sad - Yiguang, you love Goujian, don't you?" He stared at me, his tone full of dazed and confused.

I couldn't answer, I wanted to deny it, but there were tears on my face, and I had to stare at him.

Fucha lowered his head, he no longer looked at me, just stood up: "Let's go." ”

On that road, there were no people, only me and my husband walked silently, and he walked in front of me. I followed him, looking at his tall back, and my heart seemed to be overturned!

And so we walked and went, and no one spoke, until all the stars came out, and the night completely covered the earth, and the husband stopped. On the side of the road, there is a bamboo forest.

"Let's rest here tonight." He said, "I'll be on my way tomorrow." ”

I didn't dare to say anything, so I could only let go of my baggage. Then he watched as the husband took the skin from his backpack and went to the stream not far away to get water.

Returning from the stream, he handed me a skin bag full of water: "Drink." ”

I lowered my head and took the skin, not daring to look at him.

It was an incomparably silent night, and since I came to Wu, we had never experienced such an awkward silence between us, and I lay beside my husband. I can't sleep, and I know my husband can't sleep either.

In the middle of the night, I heard him squirming, as if he was rummaging through the bag, and then I heard him muttering something in a low voice, as if it were just a man muttering to himself, and I couldn't hear it clearly.

He wouldn't talk to me anymore, and I thought bitterly that I had hurt my husband.

I finally fell asleep, filled with remorse and sadness.

The cold morning mist and chirping birds woke me up.

I opened my eyes and found my husband still sitting next to me. I put my hand on my forehead and sighed tiredly, I thought he would leave me alone.

I had a night's dreams last night and woke up with nothing to remember.

We sat in silence for a long time. Then I heard the voice of the husband.

"Now, Yiguang ......"

He spoke softly, and I rubbed my eyes and looked at him in amazement.

The expression on Fucha's face surprised me a little, the silence and coldness of last night, which contained great compulsion, had disappeared, and he looked peaceful and pleasant at this moment, no different from the past, as if from last night to today, it was no different from any day in his daily life.

Something changed him!

This feeling made it clear to me very clearly, and I stared at my husband with trepidation!

"I didn't sleep all night last night." He said, "There are so many things in my heart, and I can't figure out every single one. ”

I bowed my head silently, and the familiar feeling of shame came back to me.

"It's like...... You know? Yiguang, it seems that there are two of me arguing. ”

"Two of you?" I looked up in surprise and looked at my husband.

"Do you want to listen to me?"

I nodded.

Then I looked at him, bent down and took out the big orange from yesterday's cloth bag next to me, and put it in the palm of my hand to show me.

"It's as if a husband has popped out of my heart and is talking to me outside." He shook the orange, "It's like this orange man." Ha ha. ”

“……”

The husband stared at the orange, and at first, he was silent for a long time.

"In the beginning, he kept laughing at me." He said, "Laugh at me for being a fool, a big fool, and I don't understand what it's all about until now." ”

My fingers gripped the hem of my clothes. I didn't dare say a word!

"This orange man is bad, he laughed at me endlessly last night, he said: stupid, Yiguang doesn't like you at all, what she likes is Goujian. So, you see, she doesn't even want to give birth to a child. I was so angry with him that I wanted to kill someone, and I retorted that it wasn't like that at all! It was an accident, who would want to fall from such a height? If she really meant it, wouldn't that be self-defeating? Then the orange man laughed even louder, and he said, "Stupid, can't you see it?" If Yiguang doesn't like you at all and can't leave, wouldn't it be no different from her staying with you than dying? ”

I'd say it's not! I wanted to retort out loud, but my throat seemed to be pinched by someone. Not a single sound could be made.

"Orange Husband has been saying this, his voice sounds so vicious, I've never heard such a vicious voice before." When Fucha said this, he paused for a while, and then he suddenly lowered his voice, "Later, this guy said: Fucha, you are so angry, do you want to kill someone?" Well, she's asleep now, and you have a knife in your hand, as long as you stab it, you won't know it......"

I felt like I was immersed in a cold pool.

"He said, if you want to do it, do it quickly. Kill her, go back to Wu Kingdom, and raise troops to beat that kid from Gou Jian! Anyway, he hasn't recovered yet, and you'll be able to make it! The husband stared at the orange, his voice was a little gnashing of teeth, his expression was really looking at another person.

I'm terrified! I was so scared that I couldn't breathe, and my brain was numb!

Then, after a long, long time, I heard the voice of my husband: "...... Being told such a big deal by the orange man, my heart has also moved a little. I think what he said makes a lot of sense, and it sounds very relieved, doesn't it? I think I should do this, kill you with one sword, and then go back to Wu. Rectify the men and horses, raise troops to attack the Yue country again. But this time I didn't listen to his apology. Don't want that kid to be a manslave for me, I'm going to kill him!" It is to destroy the Yue Kingdom. Let Gou Jian's kid carry his dark heart and roll into hell, and stay in hell all the time and never come out again! ”

When he said this, Fucha's face was slightly distorted. I looked at him in amazement, I had never seen a husband with such a terrible expression!

Time seems to have stopped.

In the silent bamboo forest, no sound could be heard, and the birdsong just now had stopped, and there was a thread in the air, as if anyone made a sound. The thread will snap and break.

"But just as I got up to touch my knife, a question occurred to me." Fucha suddenly said, "So I asked the orange Fucha: Okay, I killed Yiguang, and I will attack the Yue Kingdom." I killed Gou Jian too—but even then. Yiguang still likes Goujian! As far as the incident itself is concerned, it hasn't changed at all. ”

I'm stunned to look at my husband!

"I was angry about this incident, and it was because of this incident that I was so angry that I wanted to kill someone, but even if I went out of my way to kill Yiguang and Gou Jian, even if I killed all the people in the entire Yue Kingdom, the thing that made me angry didn't change at all!"

“……”

When I said this, the orange man became impatient, and he said, "Fool! Do you still think about it so much? She makes you angry, and Gou Jian also makes that kid angry, isn't it right for you to kill them?! Don't think about it! Hurry up and get started! ”

I stared at my husband without blinking. Then, something strange happened!

I saw that the man's face, which had been eagerly learning to speak with the orange man, suddenly softened.

"So, after he said that, Yiguang, I noticed the problem: I caught this orange man's bad loophole." As he spoke, a smile slowly appeared on his face, "He just shouted for me to kill." But he didn't understand what was going on at all, he thought that as long as he killed someone, everything would be solved, but in fact, nothing changed after the killing. Yiguang, I just realized that in fact, the real stupid fool is this orange man! ”

I was a little speechless, and I wanted to reach out and try to hold my husband's hand, but I didn't dare.

"But Yiguang, you know? This orange man is particularly cunning. As soon as I saw me, I shoved the knife back. refused to listen to his instigation, so he thought of another trick. And he said, "All right." Fool, since you won't kill them, you've thought about it. What are you going to do in the future? ”

I listened silently.

He asked him so sharply, Yiguang. I really can't answer, I don't want to kill you, I don't know what to do, for a while I can only be stunned, listening to this orange man continue to chatter. ”

The husband said, "He saw that I was stupid." So he said, hmph, you don't want to kill Yiguang, isn't it because you still like her? You're reluctant, aren't you? But she doesn't like you, what she likes is Gou Jian. That's it, big fool, since what she likes is Gou Jian, then you can turn Zi Yi into Gou Jian! ”

"When I heard him say this, I also think it makes sense, whoever you like, I will become, then you won't like me?" When the husband said this, he was somewhat depressed, "But when I think about it again, it won't work out!" I am so much taller than Gou Jian, stronger than him, darker than him, and not as handsome as him...... Even if it cuts off one of my legs. Then strip off the eyebrows and apply a pound of powder to the face. I still don't look like him! ”

I was stunned for a long time, and I couldn't help but laugh!

"And I don't like Gou Jian's appearance, a gloomy and dull bad boy, I wasn't born like that, I can't pretend to be like that." Fucha sighed, "Then again, even if there is a trick suddenly at this time, huh." Like the Yanshi, he was kind enough to turn me into a second Gojian—but Yiguang liked the real one, so how could she like a fake? ”

A wave of sadness welled up in my heart.

"Listen, I won't do this, I won't do that, I won't want to. The orange man seemed a little upset, and he said, "Then what do you want?" You don't want to give you two ideas, do you want to continue like this? Continue to wander the world with a woman who doesn't like you? Husband, what the hell are you doing? ”

Silent.

I was so sad and ashamed that I could barely listen to it.

“…… It's like I'm being forced to the point where I'm dead. Yiguang, this orange man, he came up with a very vicious solution. "The husband's voice sounded a little tricky," he said. Well, since you don't want to kill her and you don't want to become Gou Jian, then you can just do it. ”

"That's it?" I couldn't help but ask.

The husband almost nodded: "Well, the orange husband said, I can do this." I can pretend that I don't care about it at all, I can pretend to be magnanimous and not get angry, I don't scold you, even if I'm actually so angry that I'm dying, I don't show it. ”

“……”

"I just pretend to forgive you, in fact, I will still secretly condemn you in my heart, I will keep telling myself that Yiguang is a bad woman, she doesn't like me at all but still runs to me from Yueguo, I can't treat her sincerely, but I don't say this. It's just that after a long time, I hinted at her in some small things, so that she felt my contempt. Knowing that I don't know everything, makes her feel like a big badass, and she can't stand me. In doing so, she became a sinner. I became a saint, hating her in my heart but still showing the disguise of magnanimity, making her live in unspeakable self-reproach every day, and making her sick all day long like before! And me? It's great! What a merciful king I am, who was deceived by my beloved but did not take revenge...... The orange man said to me, don't worry, wait and see! If it goes on like this, in a few years, you won't even have to touch the knife to push Yiguang into hell. Oh, even she went to hell, does that kid still want to live in peace? After that, I can do whatever I want! ”

I was trembling when I heard it! Truly. It's the most vicious method I've ever heard!

The husband grabbed the orange, his expression was a bit like a demon, and he stared in confusion.

It was a long time before I heard the husband's voice.

However, when I heard these words of the orange man, I felt a little confused: it was clear that I was going to follow Yiguang out, and I was going to find her hometown, and it was all my own decision, so how could I put all the blame on her? Didn't she force me to leave Gusu? If I do that, I'm planting it! ”

I looked at my husband in a daze! The confusion on his face was more obvious than ever!

"And speaking of saints, where are there saints in this world? In the final analysis, all self-styled saints want to turn the people around them into villains, so that they can be highlighted as saints, so saints are all villains! Did I spend so many years and so long pretending to be a bad guy? Bah! I'm not going to do it! ”

I finally reached out and took my husband's hand.

"I'm just going to pick and choose until the middle of the night, and finally, Yiguang, and finally I'll make trouble with the orange man." The husband said, looked at me, he laughed, "As a result, he said: Husband, if you don't listen to me, sooner or later you will regret it!" ”

"So, how do you answer?"

The husband put down the orange, and he sighed. Scratching his hair with his hands: "I said, I didn't disobey you, did I?" I just wanted to ask you what to do, and I asked the orange man: how can I make Yiguang like me? ”

At this point, he was silent for a moment before speaking again.

"The orange man didn't speak for a long time, and he couldn't answer my questions. Later, I asked several times before he suddenly said something. ”

"What did he say?"

He said, "You fool! If one day, you can like that old bastard Wu Zixu. Iguang will fall in love with you! ”

I laughed!

Fucha also smiled bitterly: "It's impossible for me to suddenly like Wu Zixu, so I understand, Yiguang, it's impossible for you to suddenly like me." ”

This last sentence was so sad that tears slowly welled up in my eyes......

"Since the orange man is angry and refuses to talk to me anymore, I have to talk to myself." As he stared at the orange, he continued slowly, "I think I'm still going to get angry. I don't want to be a bullshit saint, of course I don't want to kill you with a knife, but I'm angry, I'm angry, I think I'm much stronger than that kid Gou Jian, I'm stronger than him, someone wants to bully you, I'll fight for you, I'm more willing to listen to you than him, and I think I'm ...... I like you more than he does. ”

I started crying silently.

"Yiguang, I don't want to pretend to be anyone. I just want to be myself. Even if you don't like me. But that's what the husband looks like. Maybe I'll complain for a while and complain about why you just don't like me, but when it's over. I'll still be with you. You have a hook in your heart, you don't like me, this can't be helped. I can't force you, but I like you, and I can't help it, and no one can force me to give up. ”

After he finished speaking, he laughed and took the big orange: "Since the orange man is out of luck, then it's useless for us to keep him, so let's share it for breakfast!" ”

After he finished speaking, he peeled the orange in three or two strokes. Then he broke it in half and handed me the slightly larger half, and the remaining half was stuffed into his mouth in one gulp.

"Uh-huh! It's very sweet! It's so much sweeter than the two little ones from yesterday! He looked at me with a smile, "Yiguang, you can taste it, the orange husband is also very good!" ”

The orange was so sweet that I wanted to cough, the cold and luscious juice flowed between my lips and teeth, I raised my head, there was a rising sun outside the bamboo forest, only a little bit of the sun was small and red, cold and cold, and it hadn't been able to emit any heat, like orange petals, I thought in a trance.

…… It's like this orange petal that my husband sent me.

My tears are coming out again. !!