After talking about so many people's affairs, it seems that I should talk about my own affairs.

There is one thing that I have never mentioned to anyone, but my classmates who have been with me for many years can detect it. One of them was particularly good, and after putting up with it for a long time, it finally asked me questions.

"Murong, where did your parents say when they talked?"

To this kind of question, I often answer, "It's a northern dialect." ”

But some people are not satisfied with this answer. One of my classmates said in disbelief, "No way! My dad is from the Northeast, and I've never heard of such an accent! And I can't understand a word of your family's speech, it's obviously not a northern dialect! The foreign language is pretty much the same! ”

In the face of this kind of questioning, I can only be silent with Murong Xuan Chapter 5.

Ever since I was a child, I have heard my parents converse in a language that is completely incomprehensible to outsiders, and they rarely use it in front of outsiders, except for occasional carelessness, and only speak this kind of language when they are all in the presence of their own family members such as my aunt and uncle.

I know the language, but I can only understand it, but I can't speak it. It seems that my parents don't encourage me to talk to them in this language, so it gets weird: I don't speak their language, so I can only talk to them in Mandarin, but I understand the language they speak.

Including the name that mom calls dad to dad. It was a sound I had never heard anywhere else, and my aunt called her dad that. Later, I asked my mother what that word meant, and she said it was my father's name.

"And what are you talking about?" I pressed on.

"Hometown." Mom looks very indifferent, "Your father's native dialect." ”

"Where's Daddy's hometown?"

"In the Northeast, I said it."

“…… But it's not like Xiao Shenyang's words at all! ”

Murong Xuan Chapter 5 Mother laughed: "Your father and Xiao Shenyang are not the same place. ”

"And where is he?" I broke the casserole and asked the end.

"Well, it's very mountainous, it's a place that few people know."

I thought about it for a moment and asked, "Then why didn't you take me there?" ”

"I can't see it." Mom shook her head. "The villages are all ruined, all overexploited, and there is no trace of them."

"What about grandparents? Don't I have an uncle or uncle? I asked, "Is my father the only one who is my aunt?" ”

When I asked this, my mother's face changed a little.

"It's best not to ask your dad about that." She whispered, "They're all gone, Xuanxuan." If you ask your dad hard, he'll be upset. ”

When my mother said this, I didn't dare to continue asking.

From a very young age, I knew that my father was a man of great sorrow.

Of course, when I was younger, I didn't understand what "great sorrow" was, but I knew that my father was not always as happy and energetic as he usually appeared. Because occasionally, I would witness him in a very low state.

I didn't know what it was, but it was as if overnight, my father suddenly became very cold, he didn't like to talk, and there was a cold aura around him, which made people afraid to approach.

But since I was a child, I was a child with a strong sense of curiosity, and even though my father was a little scared of me, I couldn't help but approach him and find out what was hidden inside.

I still remember when I was about four years old, one winter night, when I came back from kindergarten, I saw my father sitting alone in the corner of the living room in a daze, and my mother didn't know where she had gone, maybe she went to cook. I was standing alone in the doorway of the living room, staring at my dad without blinking.

It was a very strange feeling, the surroundings were quiet, and Dad's appearance was somewhat strange. His gaze didn't know what he was looking at, and his face wasn't quite the same as usual, I felt. Something seemed to emerge from his body......

I tiptoed, crept over, and sat down next to him. Despite the fear in my heart. But I still didn't want to run away, and I didn't think I needed to be afraid to run away since my father was here.

Dad didn't seem to notice my approach at first, but when he slowly turned his face to look at me, I thought Daddy's gaze was very strange! It's like you've never seen me before, it's like ...... It was as if he was surprised how such a little girl could pop up next to him!

But it didn't take long for him to turn his face away.

The father and daughter sat like this for a while, and the living room was very quiet, and I suddenly panicked! Because I found that indescribable things in my father's body began to permeate my body!

I'm so scared! Under extreme fear. I grabbed Daddy's hand!

But even if I was so afraid, I didn't want to run away, I felt that black mass was about to swallow me whole, but since my father was here, I didn't want to run away alone.

I just grabbed my father's hand, and the whole person was wrapped in the black thing that came out of his body, and I didn't move, and I didn't know what to do, so I just waited.

Wait with Daddy.

But something strange happened, and the black thing gradually faded, and it lightened little by little, lightened, and was not as heavy and thick as it had been at the beginning. It's breathless, and the more time passes, the lighter it becomes, and finally it melts into a faint background color and disappears into thin air......

As if the boulder in my chest had finally been removed, I started screaming loudly, and I screamed as hard as I could, and my mother rushed out of the kitchen and hugged me!

……

I don't remember much about what happened next, but it didn't take long for my emotions to calm down. When I came to my senses and looked at the outside world again, Dad was back to his usual self - maybe he was woken up by my screams?

Two days later, my father asked me, what was wrong? Did I see something, I said that I felt that there was a black mass on my father, it was terrible, and I was very uncomfortable. When I was a four-year-old, I couldn't speak clearly, so my father brought me a pen and paper and told me to draw it.

I drew a big black monster on paper, and I drew five layers of shark-like sharp teeth, its eyes fierce like brass bells, its nostrils like the nostrils of a large buffalo, and its chimney spewed black poisonous gas...... This is how I describe that horrible feeling with a child's heart.

"Is this the thing?" Dad looked at the picture closely.

I nodded: "Ran out of Daddy's heart." ”

I said, poking my father's chest with my little hand, "Here." ”

Dad looked at the picture again and again, and finally he asked me, "Xuan Xuan 1 Xiao said α. tidy up."

Why didn't you run away at the time? ”

I said I didn't know, and then I thought about it for a long time. I just said that if you escape, this black monster will definitely catch up, and the more you escape, the more you will chase after it.

Later, my father treasured the painting.

After that time, Dad rarely had that kind of situation, and he was in a bad mood, at most to the extent of smoking a cigarette.

Dad said that I was the most precious treasure that God had given him.

Actually, there can't be anything concrete that comes out of thin air from my father, it's just that I, as a child, subconsciously feel the great despair and fear in a person's heart, compared to adults, a child is a hundred times more sensitive in this regard, she can immediately feel who makes her scared, who makes her feel uncomfortable, when she feels this. She would run away with crying or even screaming. Babies cry for no reason because of this—adults who feel rough have lost this primitive function, and they use strong reason to convince themselves that they are just gloomy and difficult to deal with.

So in fact, from a very young age I learned how to get along with people who have a shadow in my heart. I've rarely met someone whose shadow is as terrible as my dad's, but if there is, there is. That kind of person is easy to attract me, because "lifting that shadow" has become my natural mission.

I know how to deal with it, how to join forces with those in the shadows, wait for it to come, and treat it silently until it finally gives up and leaves......

In contrast, there is no shadow in Mom's heart at all, in Dad's words, Mom is the kind of person who is "born kind", and if kindness is like winning the lottery, then Mom is born to win the jackpot.

I don't understand this, is kindness also cultivated?

Dad said yes, he said that he himself was cultivated, and he was unlucky, and he never had a chance to win the lottery.

Mom doesn't have any relatives by her side, and Dad has a sister, but she doesn't have any relatives. Her mother said that her mother died when she was born, and her father forced her to study since she was a child, and it didn't take long for her to send her to a very strict school and no longer care about her.

"What a strict school." My mother said as if jokingly, "The kind that my parents can't see." ”

"That'...... And then? I asked again.

"Later?" Mom lifted her eyelids. "Didn't you meet your father? Aren't you getting married? And then I gave birth to you. ”

I frowned, feeling as if my mother had omitted a lot of things.

"Before my dad, you didn't talk about a boyfriend?" I asked, "Didn't any boys in that school pursue you?" ”

"Yes, but then he got along." After Mom finished speaking, she clapped her hands again, "Fortunately! Otherwise, I wouldn't have met your father, what a pity! ”

Well, my mother is like this, everything is always on the good side, I call it a blessing to lose a horse.

But there was one thing that my mom couldn't think of as good as I was a child, and that was my academic performance since I was a child.

When I was a child, my academic performance was very poor.

If someone tells you that I had a poor academic performance when I was a child, then most of these words have to be discounted, and after you investigate, you will find that the people who speak are at most the middle and lower level of the class.

The kind of difference I had when I was a kid was a real difference.

Originally, I was second, but the mentally handicapped child who was first dropped out of school in the third grade, so I jumped from second to first with honor.

First to last.

Speaking of which, it's not like I don't listen to lectures. For students who don't finish their homework and have blank papers, I will listen to the teacher's lecture very quietly in class, and I will do my homework as required when I go home. Although I often can't finish it, because I can't do many questions, I try to fill in all the papers during the exam, although 80% of them are filled in in vain, because they are all filled in incorrectly.

Maybe you will say: Xuanxuan, your grades are so poor, how anxious your parents should be! How sad they must be!

Well, maybe they were really anxious and sad, but I didn't see much of it, because they never beat me up, let alone repeatedly mention my results in front of me.

I think it's probably because I had an accident before I went to school, when I was four years old, I had autism for half a year, and that incident scared my parents, and for them, even if I scored zero in my homework, it was much better than being an autistic child.

But why were my grades so bad at the time? It's such an age-old puzzle that I can't even answer it myself.

I felt like I had worked hard, I used all the strength I could to study, but I just couldn't understand what the teacher said, just like an alien couldn't understand an earthling, as if the theoretical system they were expounding was not the same thing as the system inside me. So I had to put a lot of effort into twisting my own system to meet the needs of the outside world.

Many people have their own explanations for this.

Uncle Li Jianguo, my father's comrade-in-arms, said that the child is still too young, and it doesn't matter if the acceptance is slow, it would be good to grow up.

Her mother's boss, Director Lei, said that Xuan Xuan might have other things on her mind, and homework was not something she was interested in.

My uncle said that homework was too difficult, and now society forces children like jumping goats, and Xuanxuan is scared.

My aunt said that it didn't matter if she couldn't study, anyway, her academic performance was very poor that year......

Maybe they were all right, but most of them couldn't understand the "dazedness", only the little aunt touched a little bit of the core, she said she was "just here". She felt that "this side" was noisy and chaotic, and she couldn't learn anything, and she didn't understand why she had to learn that.

But the pressure of reality existed, and my grades were so poor that even my mother refused to go to parent-teacher conferences.

At first, my mother didn't take these things to heart, and every time she ran to the parent-teacher conference with great interest, and she deliberately dressed up beautifully, because none of my classmates' mothers were as young and beautiful as her.

But after going a few times, my mother refused to go again, she felt that it was too uncomfortable to have a parent-teacher conference, and the reason was, of course, because of my grades, the teacher read the report card on it, and my mother sat on it, as if she was being criticized in front of her.

Since Mom refused to go, the parent-teacher meeting was replaced by Dad.

Dad once asked his mother with a smile, worried that he would be favored by other mothers, and his mother did not ask him to go to the parent-teacher conference before, and there was also this reason.

However, my mother also smiled and said that she was not worried that her father would be taken by other parents and make any romantic affairs, but she was even more worried that the parent meeting would be held to the end, and her father would be ashamed to find a cloth to cover his face......

Then, my father was very proud to go to my parent-teacher conference, and he had been very enthusiastic about it, but my mother began to insist on going by herself. He just gave in.

As expected, when Dad walked into the venue, he attracted everyone's attention as usual, and the eyes of all the mothers were fixed on Dad!

My dad was a lieutenant colonel at that time, and he was surprisingly young, and that face was handsome that he had never seen in 10,000 years...... Being stared at by the opposite sex is a normal thing.

However, halfway through the parent-teacher meeting, those originally "amorous" eyes all turned into "sympathy".

No one expected that such a handsome officer would raise a daughter who was the ...... of the whole class No, the first from the bottom of the grade.

But to Mom's surprise, Dad didn't seem to take this to heart at all, and he didn't "find a cloth to cover his face" in the end. After returning home, he briefly explained the teacher's instructions, and then said nothing.

Mom was very strange and asked him, don't you feel uncomfortable?

Dad said that he was not uncomfortable, he felt that it was okay if the grades were not good, "At least Xuanxuan hasn't scored zero in the exam!" ”

Dad's bottom line was so low that Mom had nothing to say, but it didn't take long for Dad to bite his tongue with regret for what he said, because in the next final exam, I really brought him back a zero-score exam paper!

But Dad is in this zero-point paper. I found the clue of the problem, because I even got all the multiple-choice and true/false questions wrong.

In particular, the ten true/false questions with a tick cross. I didn't get any of them right, and my judgment was diametrically opposed to the answer, which made Dad pay attention to the point.

He handed the paper to my mother to read, and he told her not to get angry at the score and to read the answer I had written.

"If it's true, I don't understand it at all, no. Even if you guess, you should get a few points. He said, "Even if she chooses a C in all 20 questions, Xuan Xuan can get seven or eight points, but every one of her choices is wrong." ”

Mom said angrily: "That's because she won't, won't you tell her to get any points?" ”

Dad shook his head and said that it wasn't because of this, if it really wouldn't, why didn't he get a single question right? Even if I ticked all of them, I would have been able to score four points.

Dad thought I had "deliberately" reversed the answer.

After being reminded by my father, my mother also felt that there was a problem, and then they carefully studied the big questions behind, and felt more and more that something was wrong.

I did the big questions very slowly, so I didn't write a lot of them, but I have already written, and the mistakes are also strange, I am not writing randomly, I carefully follow the steps to calculate each problem, but I make mistakes in many inconspicuous, or even impossible places at all, such as the simplest single-digit addition.

Especially for practical problems, the formula I choose is often the closest one, and I can obviously think about it carefully and choose the correct formula.

But I don't.

"If she can even multiply, she can do it. Why does addition get wrong? Dad said, "She did it on purpose, she made the question and the teacher couldn't give it if she wanted to, although Xuanxuan herself didn't know why." ”

I didn't know about these discussions at the time, but my mother told me about them many years later, when I was in high school.

"At that time, even if we grabbed you and forced you to ask why you did this, I am afraid you would not be able to answer." Mom said, her expression thoughtful, "It seems that you can't control yourself, so you have to do this." ”

When my mother said this, I was also surprised! I never imagined that I could have such a complicated mind when I was a child.

What am I fighting against, that's what Dad said. I use this confrontation to protect myself, otherwise my self-survival will be threatened, but what forces me to engage in this confrontation? Why do I refuse to fit into the flow of normalcy?

I do not know.

Fortunately, after entering junior high school, my grades gradually improved, and I was no longer at the bottom, and in high school, I finally reached the middle and upper reaches.

Dad said it was because I had grown up and been strong. I know that I don't have to fight to the death at every turn, but I can also preserve my true self.

I still didn't understand what he said at the time. But after many years, I finally understood what my father meant.

is still that "it", which is what Huo Shan said, that is, the god of fate that his brother said. I'm fighting against "it", I can't let it "drag me back" like when I was four years old, but the situation is not that I am determined to live like every ordinary person in this normal modern society, it can completely let me go, for this reason, my childhood had to be difficult, if it were not for a kind enough mother and a tolerant enough father, I am afraid that I would have lived even worse.

Then again, if I weren't their daughter, I wouldn't have to fight against it!!