(a)

It was the first time I walked into a morgue.

Although it wasn't the first time I'd seen a human corpse, I couldn't help but shudder from head to toe.

I didn't expect the temperature to be so low here.

The female police officer said to me: "The morgue is like this, when people come in, they always feel that the temperature is lower than it is shown. ”

She said, "Come with me, this way." ”

In front of a row of freezers, we stopped.

I couldn't help but start shaking all over.

Jackie silently put his arm around my shoulder.

The female police officer opened one of the cabinets, pulled out the drawer containing Kaohsiung's body, and lay it flat in front of our eyes.

Kaohsiung's body was wrapped in a black body bag.

The female officer reached out and unzipped the long zipper from the body bag.

I subconsciously grabbed Jackie's hand tightly and held my breath.

Mr. Stone, who accompanied us from the law firm, also noticed that my face was pale. "It's fine, except for the head," he said. ”

In this way, in the open body bag, I saw Kaohsiung again.

In an instant, countless Kaohsiung past flashed in my mind.

Kaohsiung who bumped into me for the first time and rolled up the stairs to the stairwell platform, Kaohsiung who jumped and shot on the basketball court, Kaohsiung who knelt in front of your bed and injected you with morphine, Kaohsiung who took me to the farmers' market to buy aquatic products and release them, Kaohsiung who jumped with me to the Nike counter to buy shoes with one foot, Kaohsiung who bowed his head and smoked on the back stairs under your residence, Kaohsiung who sat on the edge of my hospital bed and told me that you had been cremated, Kaohsiung who lifted the cuffs of my pajamas to look at the blue and purple green Kaohsiung on my body, Kaohsiung who watched the mummy in the basement under the Louvre with me, Kaohsiung who walked with me on the Dongshan Lantern Road, Kaohsiung who rushed down waving a ski pole in front of me, Kaohsiung who sat on the sofa and smoked a cigar, asked me where to shoot the most effective Kaohsiung when I wanted to kill a person quickly.......

I couldn't hold back the tears pouring out like a waterfall.

Kaohsiung's head was covered with a corpse cloth. He was still wearing the same outfit he wore on the day he committed suicide, the last time he went to see Jackie, who asked him why he wanted a suit.

Jackie's eyes filled with tears.

Mr. Stone said, "They dissected him. Afterwards it was stitched up again. ”

My grief has reached its peak and can no longer be expressed.

Why dissect him? The cause of his death could not be more obvious. Why didn't he even keep the peace after death?

Mr. Stone said, "There is no way. It's all like this, as usual. ”

The policewoman looked at me and said, "Do you want to see the head?" ”

Jackie looked at me so grieved that it was hard to stand still, and he pulled my hand hard and said, "Don't look. Remember what my brother said? Don't look at that last look. Let the former him always remain in your heart. ”

I felt like I was going to go limp on the ground. I nodded. I don't have the strength to face that horrible scene again.

I tried to cheer myself up, I was just a friend of Kaohsiung, and I shouldn't be so sad that I collapsed to the ground.

Only his wife can grieve like that. I was so grieved that I just stood here and burst into tears.

You can't be paralyzed, you can't lose control, you can't faint.

No, no, no.

It was I myself who rejected him. I rejected him countless times, countless times, countless times.

I am not qualified to mourn like that.

A huge tsunami passed me.

I don't know how long it will take before I can speak again.

I asked the policewoman and the lawyer, "Can I touch his hand?" ”

My voice choked up to the point that I could barely speak: "I just wanted to say goodbye to him." ”

The female officer said, "I'm sorry, you can't touch him. He is now a witness. You can't touch his body until the case is over. If you wish to say goodbye, you can also request a visit through a lawyer. ”

I reached out and covered my eyes.

Why don't I hold his hand? When we last met? Why didn't I hold his outstretched hand then?!

My heart was filled with strong self-remorse.

(b)

The last time I saw Kaohsiung was in Thailand.

It was shortly after he returned from his disappearance for three months. I went to Guangzhou to participate in a business promotion event, and the schedule of the event was not tight, and there were a few days in the middle that were relatively free.

Kaohsiung asked me to meet in Bangkok over the weekend.

I went from Guangzhou to Hong Kong and from Hong Kong I boarded a flight to Bangkok.

We met by the river in Bangkok, and Kaohsiung invited me to board a sightseeing boat that he had chartered.

Cruise ships laden with flowers slowly pass through the river. Many couples of all colors from the East and West stroll along the riverbank. They hugged each other, held hands, kissed, and were affectionate. They kissed and waved to the passengers on the boat.

There was an old man with a red nose who played the accordion and sang a song with a beautiful melody and full of sunshine.

When he finished singing the last note, a girl from the shore threw the bouquet in her hand at him from afar. He stood up and bowed in the boat.

What a romantic sight.

There was a cool breeze on the river.

I hugged my shoulders and began to shrink.

The owner of the boat walked towards me with an embroidered shawl in his hand.

He said something to me loudly. I knew he spoke Thai English, but I didn't really understand a word.

Kaohsiung is clearly comfortable with the peculiar accent of Thai English. He translated: "He asked you to put on this shawl." He said you were the only woman on the boat. It is the man's responsibility to take care of the woman. ”

I took the shawl and thanked the owner.

I wrapped my shawl around and watched the scenery move slowly backwards. I know it's a delusion. While I see the scenery moving backwards, the truth is that our boat is moving forward.

However, when the ship moves forward, is it no longer an illusion?

I said to Kaohsiung: "Actually, it is my responsibility to take care of myself. Everyone is their own island, and everyone is their own lighthouse. ”

Kaohsiung said: "Oh, you can't be disappointed in all men just because your marriage failed. ”

I said, "It has nothing to do with marriage. If a person is always thinking about whose shoulder to lean on, he cannot stand on his own. ”

I said, "I now know that we can't always rely on external support, everyone should rely on their inner strength to stand on their own." ”

Kaohsiung smiled and said, "Very courageous!" I appreciate it!"

"But that doesn't mean you can't have someone standing side by side with you," he said. ”

(c)

We only stayed together for one day, and the next day after breakfast, because there was nothing to do in Kaohsiung, just a normal gathering, and I had a lot of fun in Bangkok, and I had to fly back to Guangzhou from Hong Kong.

I didn't expect this to be the last time we would see each other.

I didn't expect that Kaohsiung had a hunch that this might be the last time we met, so he asked me to come to Bangkok without incident.

Kaohsiung came to the door of the hotel to see me off.

He called a luxury car to take me to the airport.

The doorman helped me pack my luggage into my suitcase and helped me close the car door.

The driver rolled down the window so I could say goodbye to Kaohsiung.

Kaohsiung leaned on the window of the car and extended a warm hand to me from the window, and he wanted to shake my hand.

Looking at his unusually enthusiastic expression, I felt a little embarrassed.

I said, "What are you doing, you're so familiar, what are you shaking hands with?" ”

I refused to shake his hand.

Kaohsiung had a smug expression, but he quickly covered it up with a cynical smile.

He said, "Well, if you don't want to, forget it." ”

His hand stretched out in the air and scratched hard.

He withdrew his hand, and then, with his body out of the frame of the window.

He said to me outside the car window, "Have a safe journey, heart." Thank you for flying in to spend the weekend with me. ”

When the car started, he said, "Friend, that's what I miss." ”

A cool breeze blew in through the window.

He disappeared from my sight.

I couldn't help but look back at the back.

I saw Kaohsiung standing there with a smile all the time, waving politely to the back of the car with the doorman.

That was the last time I saw Kaohsiung in my life.

Why wouldn't I shake his hand?

I didn't even let him fulfill such a small wish.