(a)

After returning from your cemetery, I wandered the suicide site, and did attempt suicide many times. Pen "Fun" Pavilion www.biquge.info

Thankfully, due to unfamiliarity, inexperience, panic, and accidents, these attempts failed.

At that time, my highest priority was to go to the cliff of Xiyuan Canyon, that is, many, many years ago, you and the moonlight in your previous life, jumped down in the rain of arrows, I hope that in the place where you disappeared, end the long loneliness of this life, and land next to your bones, complete the pursuit of your life and death, and give you permanent companionship.

You can't feel it anymore, but I can't bear to be so lonely in the wilderness.

However, this attempt was quickly defeated. The reason is simple. Before I could do it, someone was already there.

After I took care of the things that left me, I set off for the cliff in the Xiyuan Gorge, only to find that the cliff had been sealed. On the way to the top of the cliff, I saw a sign saying "Road Closed" and a new high wall that sealed the entrance to the heights.

Shocked, I thought it was my idea that leaked out. But when I inquired later, it turned out that two days ago, a couple of men and women who were in an extramarital affair jumped off the cliff on the top of this cliff and died in love. The incident attracted the attention of all parties, and in order to facilitate the investigation and prevent the recurrence of similar tragedies, the management of the scenic area tightly sealed the road leading to the cliff. Not only was a high wall built from the entrance to the road, but the surrounding mountains were also covered with barbed wire. Patrol posts were also placed on the top of the cliffs.

It seems that it is impossible to end your life here without being disturbed. I had to leave quietly, I didn't want to kill myself, but caused some accident, a lot of uproar, and the city was full of wind and rain. I hate explaining to people, I hate telling people about the past. Does anyone believe in premortal events? They will only conclude that I am insane and delusional.

I silently looked up at the cliff for a long time at the bottom of the mountain, and let out a long lament from the depths of my heart.

Unexpectedly, even a sacrifice for you from a distance of time and space to relieve your loneliness is unattainable.

Are you destined to be lonely forever? And I, forever, can I think of a way to free you from your loneliness?

(b)

With deep frustration, I returned to my lodgings at Xiyuan.

After thinking about it, I find it hard to muster the courage to go back to my daily life. I have said goodbye to everything, and now I have no worries, and there is no reason to give up halfway.

So, I decided not to pick a place anymore and ended up here, which is good. At the very least, it's a place close to where your bones are.

So, I went to several places, collected enough sleeping pills, and decided to use the night in my room to put my idea into practice.

Looking at the sleeping pill bottles, I didn't feel sad or afraid. On the contrary, I felt relieved.

Compared with dying, living in the hollow of hopeless nostalgia every day is, in fact, heavier.

I am full of anticipation and curiosity about the death journey that is about to begin.

I really want to know what the hell you've been through after you jumped off a cliff, after you've been run over by the wheels. I wondered, after the breath was cut off, after the brain waves stopped, what was still there? Is the theory of the soul true or a fantasy? I want to know everything that followed.

I wonder if you're in pain? How do you suffer? Will you be able to bear and bear this pain? Is it more painful than the pain you endured in your life and at the end of your life?

I wonder if you've really left the pain you feel you can't bear after paying that price.

Behind the pain of death, is there really silence or peace? Have you been given rest? Are you at ease? Honey you, did you get it? How can I help you?

In my life, I have never mentioned this attempt at death to anyone. I've never written it before, I've never described it. So, no one has ever been able to know about it.

But now, I've decided that I want to empty my mind of all the springs. So, I picked up the experience and started writing.

Just let them keep coming.

This time, the writing is empty, and they will no longer be allowed to live in the heart.

(c)

I feel that death begins with the disappearance of a certain "qi".

I don't know how to translate this "qi" in English. “LUNG＂？“ WIND”?“ SPIRIT”？ “SOUL”？ Anyway, it's the kind of thing that doesn't lend words.

That kind of thing that attaches to and flows inside the flesh, that makes them move, and that has feelings and intentions.

It began to leak from where the poison had entered and damaged, and from that point onwards it continued to scatter and disappear into the void.

It flew out in all directions. But the main branch departed from my flesh in two ways: one went upward. One goes down and leaves. On the one hand, I felt it sink through the walls of bone and flesh into the earth; On the other hand, it also felt like it was flying upwards through the Heavenly Spirit Cover.

As it sank down and left me, I felt digestion stop and excretion blocked.

As it flew upwards and left me, I felt like I couldn't swallow, my breath was short and urgent.

As it flew away, no longer circulating around the veins around me, I felt like my limbs couldn't move.

One by one, the nerve meridians throughout the body gradually atrophy and collapse. My mind became cloudy.

Then I felt a little light dim and go out at my navel. Muscles and bones begin to become limp, losing the strength to support and wrap up. The neck can no longer support the head, the feet can no longer support the body, and the hands can no longer bear any slight weight, including their own weight. They drooped limply, oscillating like antique clocks.

Wrinkles appear on the young, sleek face, teeth begin to shake and accumulate rust.

The heart mirror, which usually reflects everything clearly, began to look like a huge piece of ground glass, and it kept making a cracking sound, and countless unsightly cracks appeared on the mirror.

Everything around them began to float and flow, no longer stable and fixed, they began to fluctuate and wander, and all kinds of fluctuations occurred, like a mirage.

I began to feel like everything was falling under the heavy gravitational pull, like sitting on a giant roller coaster and swooping down from 10,000 meters above sea level.

The body goes down, and the heart goes up. Tearing each other apart. The emptiness is cut off and unbearable.

I was extremely frustrated by this continuous collapsing and falling. The mood has never been so low, like the kind of campfire that is about to go out.

I couldn't help but want to grab something and hold on tightly. I couldn't help but cry, "Help me, please hold me up, don't let me fall." ”

But I can't shout like that. I felt my lips dry, my saliva dried up, my nostrils smaller, my walls compressed and blocked, my breath couldn't flow smoothly, and my tongue was stiff as a stone and tangled and knotted. All I could do was to desperately roll my eyeballs upwards.

Then, I felt a blank in my mind and was extremely irritable. Everything around them, even the outline of the shadow, has been hidden. Impenetrable smoke rose from all sides, enveloping and isolating me.

Later, I could feel another bit of light flickering and extinguishing in my throat. The Earth's air becomes like an alien universe at minus 4,000 degrees Celsius. Every time you exhale, a lot of heat evaporates through your nose and mouth. Every time you inhale gas, there is a lot of cold that goes straight through the door and window. All the respiratory organs shivered with cold with every breath.

The body temperature begins to decrease from the limbs, and spreads rapidly along the meridians of the limbs to all parts of the body.

The edges of the inner and outer world began to blur and flutter, and it was no longer possible to discern who was me and who was him.

I can no longer understand the meaning of the voice. No longer able to think of familiar things and dear faces.

Return to the original embryonic state before birth.

Dots of colored light flutter up and down in front of and behind you like fireflies. But I don't know what that flying streamer is.