(a)

For the first time, I went with Mr. Yichen to attend the magazine's annual pen meeting. The location of the www.biquge.info is in Kyoto.

We flew to Osaka airport for one night and then rented a car to Kyoto the next day.

At the hotel in Osaka, Mr. Yichen met an acquaintance, who was also a columnist, and when he first debuted in his early years, he lived in an apartment building with Mr. Yichen and was considered a neighbor.

This H-kun is also going to Kyoto the next day. However, he did not go to PEN. He was going to send his son's remains to the columbarium in Nishi-Otani Temple. Because Mr. and Mrs. H both received refuge ordination in the temple of Nishi-Otani Temple, and became Buddhist laymen. Both husband and wife felt that placing the child's ashes there would be the best way to receive the blessing of the Buddha's light.

Mr. Yichen suggested that we go to Kyoto together the next day, so that Mr. H can take the business car we rented without having to hire another car, and we can also be a companion with him along the way.

Jun H was polite for a while, and then said that it was better to be respectful than to obey his fate.

Early the next morning, we met in front of the hotel. The weather was fine that day, early in the morning it was cloudless and sunny. The early morning sun shines on the small white porcelain urn, which makes people feel particularly sad.

Mr. H looked at the urn he was holding in his hand and said, "I don't know what this child looks like." Alas, when I was seven months old, I had a miscarriage, and the doctor asked us if we wanted to take a look at it and send it to cremation, and the child's mother said not to see it, if I did, there would be a shadow in my heart in this life, and I would never forget it, and I couldn't give it up. The child was put directly into the ice coffin and sent to be cremated. I only filled out the form outside and didn't dare to follow up and send it to the incinerator. After more than two hours, I was told to go in and collect the ashes, so I came out with this jar. ”

Mr. H said: "I hold the bones in my hands, but I don't feel that this is my own child. There is a very absurd feeling, as if none of this is true. Listening to him speak so sadly, we stepped across the arched Shadow Stone Bridge together.

(b)

This is my first visit to the columbarium of Nishi-Otani Temple.

Before the future, I always thought that this was a dark and silent place, which made people feel depressed and sad. But in fact, after coming, there is no impression of the feeling at all, in fact, the windows here are bright and clean, the floor is shiny, the sandalwood is swirling, the lights are warm, after people come in, the mood is lifted, and the grief in the heart can't help but be blown away by the breeze. All in all, it's a refreshing place.

Ever since I first came here with Mr. H, I've always loved coming here.

The chanting in the main hall is always resounding.

I sat among the male and female devotees who had taken refuge in the Buddha, sitting cross-legged motionless, staring at the huge portrait of Nyorai.

At this moment, from the smell of incense sticks, you can feel people's reverence and gratitude; From the deep wrinkles on the faces of the old men and women from the surrounding countryside, you can feel their quiet and peaceful state of mind. The whole Buddha hall is filled with a solemn and peaceful atmosphere.

I can't help but wonder how nice it would be if your ashes could be placed in such a Buddhist hall, and there would be monks and believers chanting sutras for you every day.

Immediately, with my sorrow, I realized that it was impossible. Because I have no right to dispose of your ashes, I am not your relative, nor is I your fiancée. Only your family can decide how to place your ashes, and they are all atheists, materialists. They do not believe in the past and this life, they think that if a person dies like a lamp goes out, nothing will happen again. They don't have thoughts of excess.

Even after you die, I can't help you like this, but I can't do it.

Thinking of this, the deep sadness seeped out of the bone marrow, making me shiver all over my body, and I couldn't help but shiver.

(c)

Accompanied by Mr. H to settle his son's remains, we said goodbye at the gate of the temple and parted, and Mr. Yichen and I went to the hotel arranged by the PEN Club to report for duty.

Cars drive through the streets of Kyoto. I looked out the window with a heavy heart.

One familiar shop after another passed by.

After a while, we passed by a temple that was being repaired and saw that a fence was being erected, and there were many red bricks piled up in the fence.

When I saw the red bricks, my mind seemed to be transported back to my teenage years.

At that time, you were still alive, your condition was not obvious, and I did not know it. We are often able to go home together after each day's training.

(iv)

There was a time when the untimely death of the mainland's intellectuals seemed to have spread to a common phenomenon.

This phenomenon also happened in our school: a very good chemistry teacher in the high school suddenly suffered a heart attack while sleeping at night and died suddenly at the age of 32.

The sudden death caused a general shock at the school. Everyone thought it was a little unbelievable: when they got off work the first day, they were still talking and laughing, and when they woke up the next morning, they were already separated from each other!

The funeral was held in a very sad atmosphere.

You also followed Director Wang and Teacher Chai to the funeral.

You were a little silent when I saw you at the training ground in the afternoon.

You had very few words throughout the training session.

I watched you silently demonstrate your movements, inspect your instruments, and write down your records.

I watched you walk around the grounds and get your work done.

(5)

That evening, we walked side by side on the way home.

You push the cart and I walk beside you.

We were halfway there. You never spoke.

Not far from the mosque, I stood down and didn't leave.

You look back at me.

You look at my face. You look down at the ground. Then you look up and look around.

You say, "I feel a little tired." Let's go sit over there for a while. ”

I said, "Okay." ”

(f)

We sat side by side behind a large pile of red bricks. Your bike rack is next to it. You've been pushing its flywheel up and down. We watched the steel bars on the spokes spin brightly in the twilight.

I whispered, "Are you upset?" Are you familiar with that teacher? ”

You bow your head and don't speak.

I said, "What's wrong with you?" Where is it uncomfortable? ”

You perked up a bit. You look up. You laugh a little. You say, "Nothing. It's just that there's something heavy in my heart. I don't know what's going on. ”

You say, "Actually, although we know that teacher, we don't know each other very well." He's also a member of the basketball team and we've played together. But apart from the stadium and the tournament, we don't have a deeper personal relationship. I don't know why I'm feeling so heavy today. Perhaps, because he died of a heart attack. Perhaps, I think of your three heart upsets. In the canyon, in class, in that place where there is a traffic jam by the tracks. All three times, you scared the hell out of me. ”

My heart softened. I said, "Don't worry. My heart isn't too good, but it's going to beat hard for you. ”

I said, "Don't worry about the same thing happening to me. They won't say goodbye to me at night, and they'll never see me again in the morning. ”

Your lips twitch. What do you want to say.

I said gently, "I promise." As long as you're looking forward to seeing me, it's going to be beating hard for it. ”

I said, "You won't lose me." I won't let you, lose me again. ”

Your lips twitch again. A thousand words came flooding back. What you want to say is, "But, but, you're about to lose me again, and I don't know how long it will be until you wake up one morning, and there will be no more me in this world." Heart, you will have to stay alone again. ”

But these words went around in countless circles in your heart, and you still suppressed them.

All you said was, "Qin'er." ”

There was a slight tremor in your voice. It came out of the air and into my heart.

(g)

That day, later, you said, "Sometimes, things in the world are quite incredible. ”

You say, "A few days ago I saw his wife come over at noon to bring him a wool vest. They went to the cafeteria to eat together, served each other's dishes, and talked very intimately. His wife told him to come home early from work, saying that dinner would be prepared and waiting for him at home. ”

You say, "But now everything has changed." When a person becomes a corpse, everything changes. Those who had hoped for his return in the past were now anxious to get him out of their rooms at home. No one wants a body to stay at home for a long time. Everyone is in a hurry to get rid of it. ”

You look at the sky that is fading. You say, "At this moment, the person who used to eat in the cafeteria has turned into some black smoke." It's in the air we breathe. ”

Listened to what you had to say. I felt a pang of sadness in my heart.

I'd love to say something to make you feel less heavy. I don't know why, something is preventing me from saying the right thing. I have a feeling that your heaviness cannot be relieved by my words.

Any words, even those that come from me, are too light compared to what weighs on your heart.

They can't comfort you.

So, in the end, my reaction was to call your name softly.

In the gentlest voice, I called your name softly.

It is like a feather that gently lands in the most secret place of your heart.

Your heart flutters.

You look at me for a moment. I bow my head under your gaze.

Just as I lowered my head, you took one of my hands, grasped in yours.

All at once, the blood in my whole body rushed to the palm of my hand. I remain motionless, let that hand remain in your hand.

My breath was short.

Will you pull me into your arms again, as you did in the lavender fields of Beausan? Will you kiss me again?

I heard my heart beating like the drumbeat of an African tribe's battle.

You sense the change in my breathing.

You hesitate, then you let go of your hand.

You let go of my hand.

You smile. You say, "I'm sorry for letting bad emotions affect you." ”

I shook my head. I said, "Yes, but there is nothing bad." ”

That was the first time you attended a human funeral, and the last. You've never seen a human body in a box like that before.

At the time, I didn't know that the same thing was waiting for us not far away.

The next teacher to be in the box will be a younger you.

When I understood the heaviness of your day, you disappeared from this world.

(viii)

That day, as we sat side by side behind that pile of red bricks, you said, "Sometimes, I feel like all of this is just something we borrowed from a greater power." Including this body, these times, all of it. ”

You say, "It's just a lend to us." ”

You say, "When the true owner wants to take it back, we have to give it back." ”

You say, "So, you should put it to good use while it's still available." ”

I whispered, "So, what would you like to do with it?" ”

Without thinking about it, I blurted out: "I hope to make you happy." ”

I look at you with a silent earthquake in my heart.

You perceive that earthquake. You pause. Then you go on to say, "I want it to create lots and lots of happiness." Say, "Give it to many, many people." ”

You say, "It's only when it becomes a lot of happiness and it gets into many, many people, that you won't be very reluctant to return it." ”

That's what you said that day.

I love you for a reason, and I have missed you for so long.

You're no ordinary man.

You are extraordinary.