(a)

My loneliness stems from where I am. Pen × fun × Pavilion www. ｂｉｑｕｇｅ。 ｉｎｆｏ

I'm standing in the middle of something.

In front of me is my death, and behind me is your death, so whether I go forward or backward, I will encounter death. When I look in all directions, all I see is death.

I always see a devastating, pervasive, endless, boundless death.

I know that the other side of this picture is that world of weather, fish leaping, eagle flying, and vibrant.

But what I'm dealing with is always on the side of the night.

I know they're the same thing.

It's just that I'm always forced to face this side and everyone else is on that side.

We don't understand each other and we can't communicate just because we're not on the same side.

They don't want to see death, just as I don't want to see the so-called glory that is fleeting.

In fact, there is no mutual understanding.

I understand that side, because I was on that side before you died, before you were terminally ill and suffering. I used to be one of them.

What is not understood is always this side of darkness.

On the other side, there is actually a fear in their hearts to understand this side, just as no one wants to hear a prophecy of death when their child is born.

However, burying your head under the sand like an ostrich will not solve the problem.

No matter how much they don't want to come over to this side, sooner or later, they will come.

Because they were never prepared, I can imagine the reluctance, the horror, the despair, and the complete ignorance and confusion when they came.

It's like when I watched you sink into death twice before me.

(b)

Writing this novel made me feel very cold.

I often write that I am frozen like a glacier for 10,000 years from my hands and feet to my heart.

In order to keep myself warm and keep the story going, I often open a separate window while writing and hang it in some chat rooms, so that the loud voices become a kind of background for writing. It makes me feel less alone.

Once, in the chat room, I saw a strange person. He typed 10 times faster than me. I've never seen someone so desperate typing. I never believed that there was anyone who could type faster than me.

He hung up in the public chat channel in many rooms, constantly shouting: Chat, chat, chat, chat. His name in all chat rooms is also called "Zheng Chat".

Every few seconds, I see the screen scrolling over his wail: "Let's talk!

He chatted with everyone who took care of him, young and old, but he didn't add friends to each one, none of them chatted privately, and every conversation didn't last more than 3 minutes.

He calls for contact with a gesture that rejects everything. He uses a stubborn closure in the desire to break through the confinement of loneliness. He hates humanity, but he can't do without humanity. He longed to be alone, but he couldn't survive it.

At first, I ignored him. But his wails rolled over and over my split screen. He howled hysterically: Chat, chat, chat, chat.

The sound pierced my heart like a broken saw blade through the glass.

He was there wailing and screaming like a man who was about to be suffocated, but refused to breathe.

He made me involuntarily fall back into the same pain I had fallen into.

I was so caught up in his wailing that I couldn't write anything. I'd love to have a knife in my hand that would cut his throat.

When I finally couldn't resist saying something to him, another guy sent me a private chat.

The man said, "Beauty, don't pay attention to him!" Just don't talk to him! Die to death by loneliness! Let him howl here every day! If you talk to him, you will feel even more lonely. He'll drag everyone he accostes into the mud. ”

I was silent for a moment and said, "Okay, then ignore him." ”

I just left the chat room and never went back.

(c)

Someone once asked me what I do.

I said, "I'm an exorcist."

He said, "Do you have a lot of devils over there?"

I said, "Yes."

He said, "Where are the devils?"

I said, "The devil is in my heart."

He said, "Can you drive it away?"

I said: It's like sweeping the floor in your room every day. Obviously, we live in the world, in the dust, but we still have to sweep the floor every day. The principle is the same. We live in a thousand demons every day, but we have to exorcise them every day. We swept up the dust from the room every day and poured it out of the room. I said, "Every day we also cast out the devil in our hearts and drive them into the world."

There was once a man who asked me to help him guide his soul.

I said, "I can't guide you."

He said, "Why?"

I said, "Because I don't know where your soul is."

I said, "You have to tell me where you are and where you are going to give you guidance."

He said: "Trouble, I just don't know these two points.

(iv)

The moon is in the sky.

On the way back, I saw a bright moon hanging high in the sky. The serene beauty that spanned the ages permeated me at once.

On the radio, a nice old Cantonese song with an unnamed name was playing.

The streets at night are sparsely populated and the air is cool.

I watched as the street lamps drifted from front to front, and then behind me.

I miss you. I want to share all this tranquility and beauty with you.

(5)

I ran away from all kinds of philosophies.

I want to know the value and meaning of life. What kind of attitude should we use to face all that is bound to collapse and destroy?

Like all women, I don't really like to play with complex and illusory concepts.

I was forced to stand in front of them because I had run all the way.

I wanted to delve into them because I didn't want to be caught by the chasing devil.

I find the way to liberation in them.

I was looking for a way to liberation like a person who can't breathe underwater looking for the surface of the water.

I was anxious like a lost dog, scrambling to find this path like a fish in the net.

I found Freud from Socrates, and I found Shakyamuni Buddha from Muhammad.

In the process of searching, the red face turned into white bones.

In the process of searching, a deep love turned into pity.

(f)

At the time, I was in college.

Once, while on duty for hygiene, I accidentally touched a desk, which caused a domino overturn of the desk, and the schoolbag I put in the desk fell to the ground, and everything in the bag fell out.

The girls who were on duty with me were able to see 1/3 of the world's religious varieties displayed on the floor of the classroom in an instant.

She was so stunned that she couldn't close her mouth for a long time.

Silently, I crouched down and picked up the religious books one by one and hid them in my bag.

She watched my movements, and I don't know where it sparked a shock in her heart. Then she came over and helped me pick them up one by one.

When we finished cleaning up and started cleaning again, she finally couldn't help but ask me, "Xinxin, are you planning to become a nun in the future?" ”

She said, "When did you become so fond of superstitious things?" ”

I looked down and swept the floor without answering.

She paused for a moment, and then said, "But how can you do this?" ”

She said, "It's too undisciplined to believe in anything." ”

(g)

I climbed the steps of the library with a large pile of books in my arms and walked to my usual self-study seat.

Halfway up the stairs, a few books fell from his hand. They slid down the stairs all the way down.

BBB, a handsome young student from another major class in the same college, caught up from behind and helped me pick up the books.

He followed me and graciously helped me get the book to my seat.

He watched me stack the book in the corner of my desk.

He looked at me in surprise and said, "Are you going to finish all these books?" ”

I said, "Yes." ”

He said, "Xinxin, don't you think it's too much of a waste of youth? You're the only person I know who didn't have much interest in anything but reading during college. You don't hang out with everyone, you don't drink, you don't fall in love, you don't knit sweaters, you don't watch movies. Are you going to turn yourself into an old pedant? ”

I said, "Hmm. ”

He said, "Why are you abusing yourself like this? ”

I said, "I think people are abusing themselves by indulging in pleasure like that." ”

BBB said, "What is that? ”

I said, "How can you pretend that death is the only sure thing in life, day and night, that it doesn't exist?" ”

BBB said: "Xinxin, don't you think your psychology is too dark? ”

I said, "I'm doing business." Pressing matter. If you had a fire on your head right now, would you still be interested in anything else? ”

BBB said, "Come with me for a dance or a movie?" Just once? ”

I said, "Thank you for the invitation." But, no. I don't have time. ”

"You're going to miss out on the whole thing," the BBB said. ”

I said, "As long as I don't miss the answer, I'm willing to sacrifice my whole life." ”

BBB said, "What answer? ”

I said, "Where do people come from in life and where do they go after death?" ”

BBB looked at me and sighed. He said: "Xinxin, what a pity. You're poisoned too deeply. ”