(a)

I stood in front of the main hall of Zhaoyang Palace and waited.

I heard the sound of footsteps outside and waves of officials from the Yellow Gate approaching.

I listened to these voices coming all the way from the direction of Shangyang Palace, and gradually reached the outside of the palace walls of Zhaoyang Palace.

I led the crowd to kneel down in the courtyard to welcome Liu Shen's arrival.

Liu Shen walked in from the outside like a gust of wind. He hadn't seen each other for many days, and he had lost a lot of weight, and his riding boots were stained with mud and dust all the way. He stood at the door of the palace. I looked up. We looked at each other across the courtyard.

Liu Shen walked briskly towards me, and he pulled me up, folded his arms, and hugged me tightly into his arms. His arms were so tight that I couldn't move. I could feel his warm body temperature throughout my body.

He whispered in my ear, "I miss you so much, Jean! I miss you so much! ”

He said, "I've made you suffer, Jean! We will have again, children. We will have many more sons and daughters. Don't be afraid, Jean, I'm back! In the future, no matter what happens, no matter what you lose, you will have me by your side, I will be by your side, and I will not leave you alone. ”

When we entered the bedroom of the wing, Liu Shen's lips kissed my cheek and lips again, and I found that in fact, I was also thinking about him, whether it was my body or my heart, I was longing for his embrace.

In Liu Shenmi's rain-like kiss, my tears flowed down like beads of broken threads. As with the wedding night, I felt nothing but downright sadness. I don't know what these tears are coming from.

(b)

All spring, I spent almost all of my time in the interior of Zhaoyang Palace.

I kept the curtains closed all day. I don't want to see the flowers outside, I don't want to see the grass and warblers flying, I don't want to see the colors of thousands of purples and reds, I don't want to feel the retreat of winter and the arrival of spring.

I didn't take off my winter clothes for a long time. I was almost the last person in the palace to change into a spring dress.

I always feel cold.

I felt the chill coming from within. Unstoppable, nowhere to escape.

I was afraid to see Liu Shen. I'm afraid that one of his arrivals will bring me the bad news that you have died suddenly on the northern front and will never be in the world again.

Every time I saw him appear at the door of the palace room, I couldn't help but shudder all over.

I was even more afraid of all the news that came from outside the palace. I hated to enclose myself in a crystal coffin. That way, I'll never hear bad news about you. If there is no bad news about you. I can comfort myself by saying that you are still alive and well somewhere in the world.

I was so desperate not to want winter to leave. I often can't help but think that time can freeze right now. I love winter so much. I've been particularly fond of winter ever since. Because, that's the season with you inside.

It was still like this until now. Every winter arrives and I feel a long sigh of relief, a subtle kindness that I can't describe.

Because you're gone, I can only be attached to the fact that you used to be by my side. That final season.

(c)

I watched as the spring flowers climbed over the walls of the corridors in the palace, which looked particularly dark in winter. I watched them bloom vigorously and enthusiastically. I felt shuddering. Without you, the world would still be as full of flowers. The flowers will still bloom brilliantly, and the branches of the willow tree will still turn into a delicate green color. What withered, shriveled, and deprived of life is only my heart, and that's all.

I used to go to the little pond in the garden. I watched as the spring rain fell into the pool. The water on the surface of the pond bloomed one after another. I felt that my heart was so turbulent. Ups and downs.

I often stay alone on the top floor of Wenyuan Pavilion. Through the railing, I watched the graceful green willows on both sides of the moat of Yunjing Wangcheng gently fluttering in the wind, watched the pedestrians and traffic in the distant squares and cities, and looked at the brilliant lights under the tiles of the pavilions and houses in the city after nightfall. Yunjing is now perhaps the most magnificent city in the East of the world. However, in the face of such prosperity and prosperity. But I felt that there was a huge hole in my heart that I couldn't fill.

Day after day. I felt persecuted. I was terrified. In the midst of all the prosperity, I saw the black hole of death, and the hole of the eye.

(iv)

In the last spring of your life, we continue to be separated. I have never realized so clearly that everything in the mortal world is being chased by death.

I often watched the concubines and ladies in the palace laugh and play, and watched them swing. watched them perform flower orders, watched them wear heavy makeup, and listened to their endless, homely and short swallow warbler sounds. I was deeply puzzled as to why they could laugh. I don't know why they are young. I don't know why a beautiful hairpin can attract them like that. They could not see that the sickle of death was always behind the necks of them and their loved ones. I don't know when, it will cut sharply, causing unbearable and intense pain.

I don't know what's so appealing about this world. Everything is a dead ash. Even if the world is unified, what will happen? Will Liu Shen, the king of Han, be the ruler of this world? He's not. The true ruler of this world is the god of death. Under the empty eyes of the Grim Reaper, everything is meaningless, worthless, and there is nothing to excite and boast about. Everything will decay and be destroyed, just like the remnants of countless ancient dynasties near Yunjing.

The Great Wall is still there, and Qin Shi Huang is not seen.

Even the Great Wall, which is still in existence today, will collapse and weathered one day.

That is the common destination of all greatness, all vigorous, all moving heaven and earth, and all hard work.

Everything in this world, all of us, is sitting in a galloping carriage, rushing straight into the abyss of death, and it is like being in a forest on fire, and the hot flames are surrounding from far and near. I don't know how people can turn a blind eye and deceive themselves so much joy and not want to run away from liberation.

(5)

From then on, I knew I had an incurable disease. In fact, everyone has already suffered from an incurable disease. There was a lot of intense pain waiting in front of them. However, many people pretend that it is negligible, pretending to be sure that they will be alive tomorrow.

I think that people who ignore death are all so cowardly and hypocritical.

I can't pretend it doesn't exist anymore. I can't pretend I can't see it anymore.

(f)

"A young man before the age of 30 could not have imagined that he would die himself. It's not that he doesn't know this law, and he will give a lecture on the impermanence of life when necessary, but he never connects this matter with himself, just like he can't really imagine the icy and snowy days of December in the heat of June. (Lamb, Essays on Elijah)

(To be continued.) )