The only memory I have of my mother is the day of her death.

She gave me the whole world, but I took her life.

In my life, I never celebrated a birthday until I turned 60. Because, my birthday is my mother's death day. Every year on this day, I spend it in a ceremony to honor my mother. Every year on this day, I sink deeper into some kind of guilt than usual. Because I was the cause of her death.

The year after you came back, my birthday was like this. As in normal years, I spent the whole day in plain clothes, closed in the incense hall, chanting for my mother. Father, aunt, and Jingyun have all come to pay their respects. I also knelt on the side and saluted in unison. Then came the servants of each room, and every time they came, they gave their usual thanks. By suppertime, everyone had almost arrived, and the incense hall was quiet. Seeing that the maids were tired at the end of the day, I sent them all to supper. I stayed alone in the incense hall to serve evening incense to my mother.

Just then, you appear at the door of the incense hall.

When you entered the door, you first put a pillar of incense on my mother, and then you knelt down on the prayer mat in the middle of the incense hall and bowed to my mother's spiritual seat. I bow down silently and thank you. We knelt together in front of the throne.

"I'm sorry, there was something waiting to be decided over there in Qingfeng Village last night, I rushed over with Junzi overnight, and I stayed there too late. When I left, no one reminded me what day it was. When Mrs. Tai died, I was still young, and after so many years, I can't remember the days clearly. It's so disrespectful to come back so late. ”

I said, "What did my brother say?" A few days after you got home, a lot of things at home weren't clear. Thank you for coming back to pay my respects. Say, "Say thank you?" Every year during Qingming, my sister is not the same, and she goes to sweep my mother's grave on my behalf. "I bow down and say goodbye. You return the favor.

When the prayer is over, you go to the side of the spirit, kneel beside me, and help me to add oil to the lamp in front of the spirit.

You say, "I heard you've been here all day and haven't eaten anything?" ”

"Yes. I have fasted on this day every year since I was sensible. ”

You say, "Why should you starve yourself?" ”

I said, "Because I killed my mother." ”

When you heard this answer, you turned your head from the mat and looked at me. You say, "Well, I'm not going to dinner either." I'll be with you. ”

I look at you in amazement. I said, "How's that going to work?" "For so many years, although Jingyun has helped me with all kinds of affairs on my mother's death day every year, he has never said that he wants to fast with me.

You say, "Not only today." From now on, every year on this day, I will fast with you. ”

I quickly shook my head.

You say, "Jean." Today is also your birthday. In this case, I can't congratulate you, so I'll accompany you to remember. ”

You look at my mother's spiritual position and say, "Mrs. Tai will not want to see you starving yourself like this year after year. She has a spirit in heaven, she will feel sorry for you, she will be sad. ”

We were silent for a while, looking together at the portrait of my mother above the throne.

I asked, "Brother, did you see my mother when you were a child?" ”

You say, "Yes." ”

I asked, "Does this picture look like her?" ”

You shook your head: "I was still young at that time, and I can't remember what Mrs. Tai looked like, but I remember that although she was pregnant with a child, her body was heavy, and she had difficulty moving, she was still the most beautiful woman in the entire mansion." You say, "The beauty of the lady has not disappeared." Now, in you, it is presented. I bowed my head.

You thought about it for a while, and then said, "But I remember the night she died, the house was very chaotic, and there were people running in and out everywhere. My father was so anxious that he didn't even bother me to cry. I remember her screams as she broke through the walls, and my aunt's terrifying cries. Those voices seemed to still echo in this house for a long time. For a long time, I didn't dare to go out at night, nor did I dare to sleep and wake up alone. As soon as I close my eyes, I can hear those voices still ringing over there. ”

You say, "I have remembered deeply since then that life has been so painful from the beginning." And this pain will not end until the last breath. I often wonder if my mother was in this way when I was born. She was still sick. When my mother died, was this the same scene? You said, "I thought, will this kind of scene be repeated in this house all the time?" Before Mrs. Tai, how many people had experienced such pain in this house. ”

I'm looking at you. I said, "Life and death are continuous. It doesn't stop. ”

Again, we are silent. You look at the flame of the lantern, jumping and swaying slightly in front of the spirit card. You flick the wick a little bit to make it burn a little more steadily.

I said, "Do you remember what my mother expected of me when she died?" ”

You say, "Didn't your father and aunt ever tell you?" I said, "No." Maybe I'm afraid that I will know and feel sad. ”

You say, "When Mrs. Tai passed away, only my aunt was by her side. Later, I heard my aunt and father say that Mrs. Tai always hoped that what she was pregnant with was a son who could inherit her father's legacy in the future, become an outstanding soldier, serve the country, protect the peace and prosperity behind her, calm the border troubles, and avenge your father. ”

I said, "Then she must be disappointed to see me." It is not worth sacrificing my life for me. I can't do anything but pay tribute to my parents every year. ”

You say, "No." Mrs. Tai will be proud to have given birth to you. ”

You say, "Because, what she expects from a son, the eldest brother and I, will do it for you." ”

You say, "The sons of our family are also the sons of Mrs. Tai." Mrs. Tai's wish will come true. You say, "She will get the glory she deserves, smiling at Jiuquan." ”

You say, "I will become a soldier, I will continue to fulfill your father's unfinished business, I will avenge him, I will calm the troubles." Whatever he wants to accomplish while he is alive, I will do my best to do it for him, and I will try to keep his spirit alive in the Han army. And your father and eldest brother will take good care of you, so that you can have a stable life and a home of honor. ”

Your words, like electricity, ran through my whole body, making the blood in my veins start to boil. A throbbing beat passed through my heart.

You say, "Jean." Your father is a hero. When your mother was dying, she must have been very pleased to leave him this little bit of blood in this world. Even if you are a girl, your mother must be equally gratified. ”

Later, on this day every year, you fulfilled your promise: stay with me and fast for a day.

It doesn't matter if you're by my side or if you're far away.

You keep this promise until you leave the world.