(a)

I can't remember how many times. When I write about you, a thousand lines of tears.

"I don't want to," you said weakly.

I was pleasantly surprised to hear your voice. I thought you were awake. But you don't. It's still just your babbling.

I lean down towards you, and I am close to you. I hear you say, "I don't want to kill you. ”

"What did you say?" I hold your hand.

Your eyes are open. I see myself in your eyes.

I said, "Who did you kill?" ”

You twist your head on the pillow irritably because of the high heat. You push my hand away. You say, "Go away." No. Don't look at me like that. ”

You struggle to hold on to the pillow, you tilt your head back in pain, your chest heaving, sweat running down your cheeks and neck.

Sweaty and say, "Don't look at me like that." ”

I glanced at Wu Shun.

Wu Shun came over and helped you up and leaned into his arms.

I take the medicine cup and carefully bring it to your mouth.

Wu Shun said: "Drink a little more medicine, and the wounds on your body will not be so painful after drinking." ”

My medicine spoon touches your lips gently.

You groggy and instinctively take a few sips of the pill. I watched your Adam's apple move up and down. You swallow the medicine.

You lie back on the pillow. You raise your arms and cover your eyes.

Again, you say, "Don't look at me. ”

You say, "I owe you my life, and I will pay it back to you." ”

"Owe me my life?" I'm looking at you. I put the medicine cup back on the table.

"Do you know what he's talking about? Who did he kill? I asked Wu Shun.

Wu Shun hesitated for a moment. "Possibly, he's talking about the woman who Sibel," he said. We ran to a tribe in the westernmost part of the steppe, where there was a great beauty. Except that her eyes are sky blue, her skin is fairer, she is taller and has a taller nose, and her facial features, especially when viewed sideways, look like a young lady. The demeanor and tone of speech are a bit like Miss. ”

I said, "And then?" ”

Wu Shun said: "The young master said that he had taken a fancy to this woman, and threatened her with her clansmen to make her obedient. Then, the young master rode her to a nearby lake. He told us all to go away. I thought he was thinking that he was thinking about Miss because he missed Miss so much, and thought that he wanted to find Miss's shadow in that beauty. We all thought it was like that. ”

I said, "He has a crush on that woman?" He told you all to go away? No way. ”

Wu Shun said, "Yes." After a while, he called us over. We were all taken aback. Because he killed her. She was neatly dressed, and her hair was in a messy bun on the ground at his feet. Death came so quickly that she didn't even have time to change the look of surprise on her face, nor did she have time to close her eyes. Blood was spilled all over the ground. ”

I was taken aback. Wu Shun said, "Then he asked me to cut off the head of this beauty and throw the body into the lake." We returned to camp with her head, and he threw the beauty's head to her father. ”

I covered my mouth. I looked at Wu Shun. Looking at you. I couldn't speak for a while.

Wu Shun said: "That beauty seems to trust him very much, she never thought that she would be killed, and when she died, her face was full of indescribable surprise." ”

"But why kill her? And if he didn't want to possess her? I asked.

Wu Shun said: "Because she is the beloved concubine of King Dasuo of Beji Zuoxian, who is rushing towards the water. She is the life of Dasuo. ”

I'm looking at you. My eyes filled with tears.

Wu Shun said: "He is now burning to the point of delirium. He probably thought Miss was her. ”

I closed my eyes and tears ran down my cheeks.

You squirm on the pillow again. I hold your hot hand again.

You look at me and mutter, "That's sin." I know it's a sin for me to kill you. ”

With tears in my eyes, I say to you, "That's not your sin alone. That's a common evil in this war. ”

I said, "I'm not her." ”

But am I really not her?

(b)

My heart aches as I watch your restlessness, your pain.

Suddenly I remembered something. I reached out and took off your mother's amulet around my neck.

I gently lift your head and put it back around your neck.

The amulet sparkles down from your neck.

I grabbed your hand and gently placed the amulet in the palm of your hand.

I let your hand hold it.

I said, "Hold on to it." Mother's love will protect you. She will watch over you from heaven all the time. ”

I said, "Whatever you owe anyone, I'll pay it back with you." You owe her, and I will pay it back for you. If she feels unjust, if she feels unwilling, come and take me. I willingly and will give her back. She won't chase you. Let her chase me. ”

I said, "You're going to be fine." ”

I said, "Remember what you said to me?" It was you who asked me not to choose to die, it was you who let me live and spend this life with you. You have to remember your words. You can't take a vow and leave me before it is kept. You can't just leave me alone in this chaotic world. ”

I said, "If you stop breathing, my heart will stop beating." It's something I can't control. ”

I take your hand and place your hand holding the amulet on my chest.

I said, "Do you feel my heart beating?" It's also your heart. If your heart is weak to beat anymore, please try to beat with mine. It's yours too. It will also breathe with you. I put this heart into this amulet and let it enter your life. ”

I said, "Live with my life." Breathe in my life. ”

My tears poured out like streams, soaking the skin on the hem of my clothes and the back of your hands.

I don't know if you heard me that day, if you understood it. But as soon as your mother's amulet touched the skin on your chest, you gradually calmed down. Your body slowly relaxes, and your arms slowly hang down. You don't make a sound anymore. You fall asleep peacefully.

I gently put your arm under the covers. I gently wipe the sweat off your face and neck.

I watched you fall asleep again.

I couldn't help but sob.

Wu Shun persuaded and said, "Miss." Don't cry. Although he may not be able to speak to us in a coma, his consciousness may still be able to hear us. In Qingchuan, when he was very sick, the ancestor scolded us, saying that the people who took care of him could be more disturbed than him. How could he be disturbed by his side when he needed strength the most, disturbing his mind and will. ”

When I heard this, I desperately held back my tears. I'm looking at you.

Wu Shun said: "All the methods that the doctor can think of have been done. Now, young master, it's up to you. You have to work hard! Don't give up! ”

Wu Shun said to me: "Miss, don't worry, he must be working the level that we can't see." He must be working on it! He'll make it through! ”

(c)

Later, I dreamed about the woman you killed once.

I dreamed that I was in a lake. I walked at the bottom of the lake.

I saw one lying on my own in the sand at the bottom of the water.

I slowly opened my eyes under the water. She sat up and looked at me.

I had deep sky-blue eyes.

When she looked at me, those eyes sparkled like jewels.

The one with the blue eyes, she asked me, "Why do you like him?" ”

"He's a real demon, you know," she said. ”

I said, "He's not a demon. He's not. ”

She said, "Then why am I underwater?" Didn't the demon in him kill me? ”

I couldn't answer her.

She said, "He is a demon in our eyes except in your eyes. You can't see it because you like him. ”

She said: "If a man kills so many people and he is not a demon, then what is he?!" Explain it to me, what the hell is he? ”

I knew she wasn't right, but I didn't know how to contradict her. I can only be silent.

(iv)

I've been involved in all the killings, and I've never been out of them.

Every killing that happens in the world, in fact, all of us, every single person, are also all in it, and we can't stay out of it.

It's just that because we don't love enough for those who are killed, for those who carry out the killing, we can't feel it.

As long as we have enough love, we can see that they are connected to each other.

To kill our enemies is to kill our relatives.

That's no difference.

(5)

"Don't let him know." I say.

Wu Shun looked at me: "What? ”

I said, "Don't let him know that you told me about it." The Sibel woman. ”

I said, "He doesn't want me to know about it." ”

You never wanted me to share your pain.

But I often fall into the pain of not being able to share your pain.