(a)

My life is made up of attempts to write.

If you don't write it, you lose the meaning of life.

In order to write, I had to be isolated from the world. Not just "like a hermit", but "like a dead man".

Just as people don't and can't pull the dead out of their graves, they can't pull me away from my desk at night.

I'm parasitic on the keyboard. The whole body is constricted to the keyboard.

I silently slipped into madness on the keyboard.

(b)

Your life has been halted, and my love continues, and this thing has stripped me of the skin all over my body.

Since then, I've become a skinless person.

I became so sensitive and fragile that I couldn't withstand the slightest touch.

A lot of unexpected touches would make me shiver in pain. For example, the other day he said what if he saw your blog coming to you. The network is huge, she said. In fact, there is no thorn in the words. It's soft with every word. But it made me unconscious in pain. Again, it's a direct touch.

There are many more such touches. For example, various festivals every year. Such as Valentine's Day, such as Qingming Festival, such as the Mid-Autumn Festival, which is hustle and bustling on the streets, such as Chinese New Year's Eve. Every time these holidays come, I shudder like the end of the world.

On the surface, how people celebrate these festivals, I celebrate them as well, and it's no different from everyone else. But that's just my disguise. I thought in my heart that I would disappear forever and disappear into nothingness. In fact, in those times, the only thing I wanted was to be alone and close my eyes and listen.

I sometimes go to the other side of the world to do this. I'd rather stay in the midst of a thousand strangers to regain my peace. I'd rather lose all the people I can talk to to to regain peace.

I don't feel like I'm far enough to get to the other side of the world. What I really want is to run into the desert where no one is.

Or, more precisely, I would like to be able to hide in the grave.

A lot of things touch me. Sometimes when I walk down the street, I stumble upon a piece of music coming from the shop next to me. Sometimes I accidentally hear two people waiting for the bus talking. Sometimes I see a new restaurant open on the road that I often walk. Sometimes, during the journey, the companions are amused by a meat joke. These inconsequential things often touch me. I was drenched in blood at every turn.

My vulnerable parts are known only to me. The diagram that marked all these vulnerable parts, only I knew. I act on this chart, and I always follow it to avoid or try to do this or that. I have often dreamed of being able to distribute this chart of pain with my mental acupuncture points to everyone who passes by me from the point of view of prevention.

Year after year, I had locked my doors, courtyards, ditches, and suspension bridges. When I had to go out, I wrapped myself tightly from head to toe and didn't even want my eyes to be exposed. The first time I saw the Arab women's outfits, I didn't feel sorry for them at all. On the contrary, I always felt that the protection was far from tight.

I think it's still the spacesuit or the biohazard suit that looks safer. I hated to put on a 120-layer spacesuit at once and hide in a thick sealed cabin.

For many years, I have walked the world with a protective shield. I've always kept myself tightly locked in that hood. That's how I created a layer of skin for myself. I just put it in this artificial skin and became a fake person.

The so-called "barrier" is probably such a thing.

As I re-approached your death, and crossed through it, the skin of my whole body fell off again.

(c)

In the months since I wrote this story, I have lost count of the thousands of times I have shed tears.

I love these stories. In these stories, I can be with you again. And by your side, I can regain that skin.

This is my mausoleum.

It's also my paradise.

(iv)

This world is sometimes too much to bear. Unless, we're sure, nothing is true.

Unless, we prove for ourselves, that nothing is true.