(a)

During the days when the Noh drama "Ayagu" was adapted as a movie script, I received a small package from Sister Wen Li. Pen × fun × Pavilion www. ｂｉｑｕｇｅ。 ｉｎｆｏ

She did not indicate the real name and sender address on the parcel list. So, I thought it was just an ordinary commercial package, and it contained samples or advertisements or something like that, so I didn't open it in time and let it sit on my desk for three or four days.

When I opened it, I found a letter inside. After reading the letter, I realized that this package came from Sister Wen Li.

And inside this package is a priceless treasure:

A diary you wrote while you were seriously ill.

At the end of the summer vacation after you returned from Bossan, the night before you went to the hospital for a follow-up, you started writing this diary, and it lasted until the last day of your life.

That is your encouragement to yourself during your illness, and the recorded journey of your own heart.

I never knew that you had written such a diary.

Sister Wen Li wrote in the letter: "Xinxin, I'm really sorry. I haven't told you in all these years that I found this thing in his room, from his relics. I kept it quietly for so many years and neither told you nor told her mother. I'm the only person in the world who knows this thing exists. ”

She said: "Over the years, I have read the thoughts of his last days thousands of times, and every line in it, even with my eyes closed, can clearly appear in front of my eyes." I can now memorize every sentence in it. ”

"At that time, I was selfishly thinking that I would never tell you this thing existed," she said. I think you already have his affectionate love, and even without it, you are already very rich. I want to leave this thing to me. I think that Heaven made me the first to discover such a thing after his death, and it was already clear that Providence would allow me to have a lifelong remembrance of this affection. ”

"When you came to Hong Kong, the time we met by chance in Sha Tin Center, I felt very ashamed to face you who had grown up, and looked at the vicissitudes and pathos of your life, I wanted to comfort you, I wanted to tell you that he still left such a book. However, I am reluctant to take it out and let you take it back. I didn't want to be separated from it, I didn't want to lose the only vestige of his heart in my life. ”

"After you left, I felt uneasy and blamed myself. I always dream of him at night. He looked at me wordlessly, as kindly, as gently as before. But I think he's blaming me. The book he left behind must be something he wants you to have. You are one. He must want you to see his last thoughts. ”

"I went through year after year with such guilt and ambivalence. Every year when the New Year came, I would take out his diary, read it alone, and then say to myself: I will keep it for another year, and by this time next year, I must return it to my heart. ”

"But the next New Year," she said, "I lost my strength again. So, it dragged on for several years. Until now. ”

She said: "How many nights have I read the words he used to write with tears in my eyes, and I only felt a tingling in my heart, and I couldn't resist it. I cried so badly, but I didn't know why I was crying. For his fate? For his warmth? Why can't I get into his heart? Or is it for your unhappy love? ”

"Now, I've finally decided to send it to you," she said. I hope you can forgive me for being selfish, forgiving me for hiding it for so long. These are all written down by him because of you. Return the things to their rightful owners. ”

She said, "Now, you can meet again in this book." ”

After reading her letter, tears filled my eyes.

I put down the letter, unwrapped the silk, picked up the diary, which had a slightly yellowed cover, and turned the pages with trembling hands.

Your incomparably familiar handwriting instantly reappeared in front of my eyes.

(b)

"Finally back. Too tired to move. Along the way, Lao Wang tried his best to isolate us, prevent me from getting close to my heart, and even when I looked at her, he had to firmly stop it. I haven't told Lao Wang about the results of the examination. Let's talk about it after the review is confirmed. ”

"Kaohsiung must help me carry my luggage upstairs. Although I felt weak and painful, I wasn't weak enough to that extent. Although you are already a patient, you don't have to have the mentality of a patient. Illness is the normal state of life. Just take it as usual. ”

"The results of the review are in. Unequivocally. I'm dying. ”

"The big question now is: how do you get the people around you to accept this calmly? Parents, Xinxin, Lao Wang, Wenli...... People always feel that death is a difficult thing to accept. Sometimes it's the same for myself. For example, in the ancient channel of the source of the stream, I saw my heart lying lifelessly on a pile of rubble. ”

"However, this is a mistake. I must let go of this strong attachment that neither I nor my loved one can die. ”

"An hour ago. It hurts a lot. Can't hold the pen. ”

"Had to go blank for three days. Keep remembering, so that you can gain insight into yourself and whether you are cowardly. ”

"It's late at night. All kinds of intense discomfort. Wave after wave rushed up. There is no end to it. ”

"I want to see my heart. Hopefully she's around at the moment. However, if you want to truly love someone, you can't be so emotional. In the case of emotion, the mind will be chaotic, the emotions will be impulsive, and we will not be able to clearly judge what is best for her. ”

"Didn't say anything to her."

"Persistent vomiting. During the recess, it seemed like I was vomiting all the time. ”

"It's late again."

"I couldn't hold my toothbrush in the morning when it hurt. Obviously, I'm losing my life fast. But you don't have to lose anything more important than your life. ”

"There was a knife pierced in the stomach and could not be pulled out. Can't stand up. ”

"Sleepy all day. Floating like a dream. ”

"When the pain stopped, it felt like it had soared to heaven."

"The principal criticized me in public. Lao Wang's Gang ......"

"I fell asleep yesterday without finishing it."

Wen Li also knew. Unsuccessfully comforted her. ”

"Had a gastroscopy. Biopsy. Kaohsiung's mother said, "It's time to tell your family." I said, I see. She said, "You're such an understanding person, I don't know what to say to make you feel better." I said, thank you, auntie. I didn't feel bad. I've swam to the other side on my own and no longer need a lifebuoy. ”

"But, keep the lifebuoy in your heart. It won't be easy for her to face this. She's just a minor after all. ”

"My aunt asked me if I needed to upgrade my painkillers. I said not yet. ”

"There was a moment yesterday when it hurt badly. Originally, when I stood up, I was fine, but suddenly, it was as if a whole powder magazine had exploded in my stomach, and after a moment's trance, I found myself on the ground. Fortunately, Lao Wang was not in the office at that time. No one saw it. The pain spreads quickly. The blood vessels all over the body are as if they have been bitten by a poisonous snake. For a while, the pain was hallucinating, and I felt that my whole body had turned into a piece of blue-purple ice. ”

"I've heard before that the pain at this stage is hard to bear. But that's just hearsay. Now I finally know what it's like. - But it's good. Life is long or short, and it is interesting to have one more experience and experience. ”

"Couldn't sleep all night. Holding the pillow and lying on the floor felt better. I realized that my mind was full of cranky thoughts and my mind was scattered. That's not right. In any case, it is important to control the clutter. It's real training. ”

"It's not a human life. Hopefully the process will be faster. ”

"When I went down the stairs, I felt like ten thousand arrows pierced me."

"Drawing helps me see my inner condition. The heart is unstable, and the picture is uneven. ”