"Senior, did you forget something? You didn't seem to want to go back to your uncle's house before, can you tell me why? ”

Huang Xiaobei shrugged his shoulders at Carl.

"That's what you asked me yesterday."

Karl didn't say anything, and stood quietly.

With the cool breeze blowing in the sky, Huang Xiaobei exhaled heavily.

"I can tell you this answer now, I would definitely not choose to go back to my uncle's house in the past."

Carl set his gaze on Huang Xiaobei, but quickly retracted it, and was silent alone.

Huang Xiaobei scratched his face calmly.

"But you guessed that, right? Wasn't that what I used to be? The first time I saw my uncle's appearance, I wondered if he was approaching me with some other purpose, all you wonder about is why I think so much about him, right? ”

Facing the moonlight, Huang Xiaobei nodded to himself and sighed teasingly.

"yes, it's really hard to understand, and it's impossible for you to understand. Shouldn't someone like me be satisfied if someone treats me well? It's not that I should see someone who is good to me, I should rush up and hug his thigh, no matter how people beat me and scold me, I have to stay by people's side with a dead face, because I am Huang Xiaobei, Huang Xiaobei should be so shameless, right? ”

"Senior......" Carl opened his mouth to say something, but Huang Xiaobei, who was obviously different from before, ignored him and continued to look into the distance, saying with self-deprecating eyes.

"Yes, why am I so ignorant, why do I always use the greatest malice to figure out the kindness of others? Hey, do you think I'm mentally ill, or have some kind of victim paranoia? ”

Karl didn't say anything.

Leaning his arms on the railing of the rooftop, facing the evening breeze, Huang Xiaobei looked down at his hands, his eyes were downcast.

yes, why am I so ignorant? Why do you always have so many dark thoughts in your heart? Why do you always have to figure out the darkest side of others?

Why? Why is that?

Suddenly raising his eyes, Huang Xiaobei narrowed his eyes, looking at the brightly lit city in the distance, and the corners of his mouth showed a cruel and foolish smile.

Maybe it's because the world is too disgusting, right?

At this moment, Karl turned slightly and looked at him with a full face.

"Maybe after you finish speaking, I can understand."

Looking at the gentle smile on the corner of Carl's mouth after he finished speaking, Huang Xiaobei was slightly stunned.

Subconsciously bowed his head, avoiding the gentle smile, Huang Xiaobei fiddled with his fingers and whispered.

"Actually, I don't want to do that......."

————————————

"What kind of person do you think I am? Or what kind of person would I have been in your imagination? Leaning against the railing, Huang Xiaobei asked sullenly. After five minutes of silence, he still chose to take the person in front of him, whom he had always been on guard, as the object of his confession.

Karl thought for a moment and said, "You're a good person, even though you've always behaved ....... But I know you're still kind in your heart, as for before...... Maybe it's not too much. ”

Huang Xiaobei smiled, "You just said the opposite." ”

The night was silent, the cool breeze blew, and the sound echoing in the air, accompanied by the silent wind whisper, drifted into the distance.

"You probably won't believe it too much, I used to belong to the kind of person who was more withdrawn and, also, darker."

Looking down at the endless stream of streets below, Huang Xiaobei said in a deep voice, "I don't trust anyone too much, and I've known someone for a long time, so I will unconsciously wait for him to say something in my heart, and say something that will make me very uncomfortable." I listened to it a lot, and over time, I didn't want to get too close to people......."

"You can also read minds?" Karl pointed out the key to Huang Xiaobei's words.

But Huang Xiaobei just glanced at him lightly and continued.

"Well, that's why I suspected that Uncle had some other purpose in the first place. Because I didn't trust him, I always thought that he would suddenly show me that ugly face one day, but it seemed that I didn't want to see that face, so I preferred to stay away from him, away from everyone...... A little further ........"

After speaking, Huang Xiaobei shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly and sneered.

"Well, isn't it a bit of a jerk? Do you want to beat me up? To make this dark-to-the-worst guess about someone who is so nice to me, am I the biggest bastard in the world? ”

Scratching his head, Huang Xiaobei sighed and smiled.

"But you are always broad, you don't lack anything, and you haven't experienced the taste of nothing."

"Well, it's uncomfortable, it's really uncomfortable."

Drinking the coffee in his hand, Carl didn't speak again.

"I know, you definitely don't understand it now, but don't worry, you listen to me, you listen to me slowly tell you what I was like in the past, after listening, you probably understand."

Carl really became a silent listener, listening to Huang Xiaobei talk about his past.

Listening to himself in his mouth, listening to Huang Xiaobei in the past, Carl seemed to see a very pitiful person with a smile appear in front of him.

————————

"Sometimes I can't sleep in bed, I'm idle, so I look back at my past 23 years of life, hehe, it seems that tragedy accounts for more than half."

"I've never seen my mother since I was born, everyone has something like mother's love, I haven't even smelled it," Huang Xiaobei shrugged his shoulders, "It doesn't matter, just have a father, although that eye house looks out of tune, but it is very good to me, so good that it often makes me suspect that he owes me something, and I want to make up for it." ”

"Well, I understand him."

Slowly sat on the ground, Huang Xiaobei leaned his back against the railing, and with that bit of alcohol, he was ready to tell all his past.

Carl lit a cigarette for him, Huang Xiaobei smoked, looked up at the starry sky, and continued: "In a few years, the eyes are gone, and the uncle suddenly appeared again, and he is very good to me, and he seems to want to make up for something." ”

Speaking of this, Huang Xiaobei shook his head and smiled bitterly, "Wait, should my life be so tragic, is it always one person who is gone, and the other person is trying his best to make up for it?" ”

"There are some things that can't be replaced."

Huang Xiaobei lowered his head.

"Hehe, actually, in fact, there is nothing that can't be replaced, people like me, life is dull, death is dull, if someone can be good to me, I should be content."

Squatting on the ground, tilting his head slightly, looking at the full moon in the night sky, the corners of Huang Xiaobei's mouth were slightly hooked.

If you had to comment on me in five words, what would it be?

It's probably a daydream, it's probably a second thing that loves to daydream.......

Well, I know, I've always known that even if I really go to be Carl's younger brother, the head of the Celestial Empire branch won't be able to take my turn, but can't I just think about it? Isn't it okay to find some joy in life for yourself?

Talk to yourself, enjoy yourself...... No way, who made me only daydream.

————————

"Maybe it's because I've been missing something since I was a kid, so I've always wanted to get more in other places, like having more friends, more powerful abilities, and so on. But like I said, I'm just a guy who has nothing and is always trying to do something without thinking about what I can do. ”

Huang Xiaobei squatted on the ground, holding his legs, half-squinting, staring at the concrete ground under his feet.

"I've had a lot of friends before, and I can say that half of the people in a grade are my friends, and I can't help it, like I'm an even one but that's just what I thought. It was only later that I learned that in the eyes of my so-called friends, I was actually just the object of their ridicule, a clown who was boring for them to pass the time. ”

"Yes, I'm the clown, and I was born to be a clown."

The smoky Huang Xiaobei didn't mind tearing open his past scars and showing his bloody side in front of Carl, the person he had always been very guarded against.

"I'm not very good at studying, and I don't have any special skills, except for bragging and daydreaming, unlike some people, although they are poor at learning, they are very good at other aspects."

"Some people can run fast enough to participate in sports meets, some people learn garbage but can play a good guitar, and some people can tell jokes and make people happy, not to mention those who are born to learn to run fast and tell jokes."

Huang Xiaobei lowered his head.

"I can't do anything, I'm not good at studying, I'm not that fast, I'm just average, I grab a lot of things in the class, and I can only tell jokes that others have said, and even then it's embarrassing......"

Speaking of this, Huang Xiaobei seemed to have found something particularly interesting, and clapped his hands and laughed.

"I'm not afraid of your jokes, seeing other people's guitars play so well, I really went to learn guitar for a year...... But at the class party, the sound I played was like playing cotton. ”

"Alas, I have practiced very hard, and I obviously played it okay the night before, so why did I ....." Huang Xiaobei scratched his head, and then laughed again.

"But the teachers and classmates were smiling very happily, looking at my embarrassed look, they were very happy to smile."

Huang Xiaobei nodded lightly.

"I know, that's a mockery."

"Because I was laughing with them at the time, laughing awkwardly."

Huang Xiaobei faced Carl and showed him the smile he had back then.

"Isn't it stupid? Isn't it hilarious? Hey, why don't you laugh? ”

That night, the smile on Huang Xiaobei's face was never forgotten by Carl throughout his life.

Inside the laughing shell is a poor soul.

——————————

People are like this, the more I want to get something, the more I can't get it, the more I want to get friends, the more I don't have friends, the more I want to make myself in the limelight, let more people look at me, the easier it is to become a joke......

Drinking all the coffee in his hand, Huang Xiaobei casually threw the empty jar downstairs, licked the corner of his mouth, and said.

"In fact, according to this development, I was quite suitable to be a bad student in school back then, smoking and drinking to collect protection money, skipping classes and going online to fight in groups, but ....... I don't have the guts. ”

"In the class all the year round, I occupy the top of the list that my grandmother doesn't love my uncle and don't love, obviously I was having a lot of fun with others one second, and a top student also wanted to play with us the next second, but the number was enough."

Huang Xiaobei patted his chest proudly, "At this time, I will always take the initiative to quit with a very humble spirit and a very fearless spirit, saying, "Good student, you come, I will learn from you." ”

"Hehe, self-aware eyes, I feel a little sad to see."

"But what? smiled at this, continued to lean around others with a dead face, and said insincerely, "Sure enough, it's a top student, just play well!" ”

Huang Xiaobei sighed, "No way, people, I always like to join in the fun, but this is lively...... It's not fun to put it together. ”

"Just get together, and I'll be a person."

Huang Xiaobei lowered his head.

"I used to be a joke."

Rubbing his face vigorously, Huang Xiaobei's voice became a little unnatural.

"Remember the day my dad left, right? That's right, it was the day the eyes left, I deleted the contact information of all my classmates and friends, I only thought of one sentence, don't be a joke to show people at the door, in this way, the memories you leave to them are just a simple joke, you yourself are a joke. ”

Carl looked at Huang Xiaobei thoughtfully, and at the same time handed him a cigarette.

Huang Xiaobei understood Carl's eyes, took a cigarette and smoked it, and said in a deep voice, "You probably want to say sympathy, right?" Well, I see what you mean. ”

Staring at the slowly burning cigarette in his hand, Huang Xiaobei's eyes were confused, and the corners of his mouth grinned slightly, "But if you say a joke, that is, everyone thinks he is a joke, what kind of sympathy will he get?" Do you think this is a joke? ”

"Just like everyone's cognition, it's normal for a good student to score 100 points in the exam, and it's normal for you to be the leader of the secret party in the future, and it's normal for my dead father to die!"

Carl finally couldn't help but speak, "Senior, you seemed too extreme before, of course, I'm not you, I haven't experienced everything you've been through, I have no right to say anything." ”

"But I still think you shouldn't think that, and you shouldn't look at your life in such extreme terms."

Huang Xiaobei ignored Carl, and another scene was slowly reflected in his low eyes.

————————

Alone, I came home from school, there was no food, no food, and the house was empty.

He put down his schoolbag alone, walked to the corner and squatted down silently holding his knees.

There was not a single sound, and as long as he didn't speak, he couldn't hear anything.

There was a lot of noise outside the window, but an invisible window blocked those sounds, permanently isolating this small nest of only a few dozen square meters from the outside world.

It's quiet.

When the man crouched in the corner, all that came to mind was these three words.

At that time, he liked to squat in the corner of the wall with his knees held alone, and he liked to stay alone in the place where the moonlight could not shine, and to stay in the corner that belonged to him.

It's good, it's good, there's nothing but himself.

This is my life, this is his life.

Is it lonely and hard? Not really.

For jokes, that's what God really has in store for him.

And I also like this feeling of loneliness, except, except for the occasional blockage in my heart, and the occasional involuntary gaze to the closed door, other than that, it's all good.

Some people say that loneliness will overwhelm people's breath, and it will make people feel suffocated, and there is, but it will soon pass, and the painful feeling of suffocating will only take a week to get used to.

Really, really, because that's how I got through it.

It's good, it's really good.

Huang Xiaobei smiled slightly.

It's true that the word loneliness is a bit of a middle two, but I also really like this kind of feeling of being alone......

Yes, how nice is that you don't have to look at those people for what they really are, and you don't have to listen to the real thoughts in their hearts? If you don't want to be hurt, you naturally have to stay away from them.

Hehe, I used to think that people in this world were very good, and I thought that Uncle Zhao, who had always been gentle and gentle, was a really good person, as long as I begged him, he would definitely help me, maybe he would hold me in his arms very gently, and say, "Don't be afraid, child." ”

I thought that the very beautiful and little-spoken health commissioner in the class was the most gentle girl in the world, and when she heard that there was an earthquake and where someone died, she would have red eyes and sobbed quietly, but it turned out to be ......

I thought my best friend, the guy who didn't do as well as me in school, who occasionally liked to play tricks on me, and who would treat me well when he didn't have money, just looked bad on the surface. After all, I am in the same junior high school and high school as him, and as long as he sees that I am in trouble, he may not show his true kindness.

But it turns out that everyone is not as good as it seems on the surface, and it turns out that everyone is so terrifying behind the scenes.

Hehe, compared to those things, I'm a little lonely, and it's nothing, because it's scary, because they're really scary, so I can't help thinking about others so much, right? So I can't be so indifferent to anyone, right? I can't help it.....

Ah, this guy is starting to say something in my ear again, I'm not too extreme, I shouldn't think like that.

Huang Xiaobei shook his head weakly.

He's a real annoyance, just as nasty as the bastard who always wants to have something when he shouldn't have anything.

"Senior, I don't think you should be so extreme and withdrawn, because this is not the way we should look at life, the world is ......."

How should life be viewed?

What is your life? What is my life?

It seems like we'll never have a common language anymore, because you're like that bastard.

"Senior? Senior? ”

In the face of Carl's call, Huang Xiaobei didn't say a word, and subconsciously hugged his knees.

In those eyes as low as the sea, everything in the past is slowly reflected.

I hate him.