I went back to Beijing.

I left the United States and returned to Beijing to find my peace of mind, even though I knew that peace of mind at this time would never remain in Beijing.

It was late in the day when I drove from the airport into the city. The car drove from north to south on the Third Ring Road and drove very fast. The Third Ring Road is much wider than I used to think, and the traffic is not as congested as it used to be. I paid special attention to the Tuanjiehu community that I passed halfway, and in the lights of thousands of homes on the west side of Changhongqiao, I seemed to see the building where my father lived, and saw the window with a faint yellow light. I had a little sour in my nose, and I knew that my dad had a bad time in the past two years, and he hated me for it, and he ignored me because of me when I was unlucky, and we have almost cut off contact between father and son since then. I didn't say goodbye to Bei Bei when I went to the United States. It's been almost a year, and I always want to see him again, anyway, he's my dad, and he raised me.

But instead of going to my dad's that night, I had the driver run from north to south almost all the way through Beijing to Fangzhuang, near the South Third Ring Road, where I found the tower I used to visit. The elevator in the tower was broken, and I climbed to the fifteenth floor with my luggage that was not too light, and knocked on Liu Minghao's door.

Liu Minghao's newlywed wife, Li Jia, probably knew the news of my sudden withdrawal from marriage and return to China from the long-distance across the sea, and when I met him, I was questioned and scolded by him. Only then did I realize that I was really dizzy and fell into the net, and I forgot that Li Jia was Beibei's cousin, and now I went to Liu Minghao's house to find a scolding, but it was too late to quit.

When Li Jia had nagged enough, Liu Minghao pulled me to the study and asked, "Are you reconciled with Anxin?" ”

I shook my head and replied, "I haven't found her yet." ”

Liu Minghao said: "Didn't she go back to her hometown? ”

I said, "Yes, I'll go buy a train ticket tomorrow, and I'm going to Qingmian, Yunnan to find her." ”

Qingmian - This is where I first heard about it in that small restaurant called Jialing Pavilion.

In the days when I was in a relationship with An An, we talked about this place countless times. In the depiction of peace of mind, the mountains are always dark green, and the water is always crystal clear. It was a pure land without any pollution, and it was difficult to smell even the exhaust fumes of cars. To enter Qingmian, you have to pass through a long rope bridge, and under the bridge is the shallow and rapid Qingmian River. Many years ago, Anxin stepped out of that long rope bridge and entered the best middle school in Baoshan City, and since then, she has effectively left her hometown.

In Qingmian, the home of peace of mind can probably be regarded as a rich home. Her father, who owned a Chinese medicine processing factory and prescribed prescriptions to the people around him, was both a doctor and a private business owner, and was a respected figure in the mountains. Her mother was originally a young intellectual, who took root in Qingmian and never returned to the city, and later worked in the mass cultural center in Qingmian, and was a local literati. Anxin said that her mother was okay and wrote poetry. It can be seen that compared with her father, who opened a workshop and became a doctor, Anxin admires her mother more, and her expression of pride in her mother is often overflowing when she talks. I was somewhat touched by this – even in such a poor and isolated mountainous area, it is culture that people respect, look up to, and talk about more.

So one of the questions that puzzled me even more was, why didn't Anxin go to college, why didn't she pursue a more decent, easier and more meaningful study and job, her parents' income could help her achieve the basic dream that every young person has, why did she come to this dilapidated taekwondo gym to be this temporary job driven by others?

This is the question I asked to Anxin on that stormy night, at the dining table in Jialing Pavilion, after drinking. She didn't answer, her face was also slightly red from the wine, and in her eyes, I don't know if it was because of looking back or because of drinking, there were some tears, she said: I like Beijing, I like a big city with a lot of people, no one knows anyone here, which makes me feel safe and secure.

Her words and her expression, both innocent and somewhat profound, made me wonder for a moment whether she was like a child or more like a misanthropic master. Her speech was also a little drunk and half sober, and her eyes were a little cloudy and half-clear, so that I couldn't guess whether she was really drunk or was using wine to talk about her sorrows.

We told each other a lot about our childhood that day. I talked about my father, who worked as an apprentice to become a factory manager, and also about my kind and immortal mother...... I was really drunk, and I actually told Anxin that my dad was actually very snobbish, and he was still such a small citizen after being a cadre for so many years. I even said that I had a lot of girlfriends when I was in middle school...... Of course, I'm not completely drunk, and I'm not stupid enough to say Zhong Ning.

Anxin also talked a lot about the customs and landscapes of her hometown, and also talked about her parents, her favorite food when she was a child, her favorite games, and recited a few poems written by her mother. The poem sounded obscure to me, and some of it looked too much like a children's rhyme; Some are sunny and sunny landscape arias, and some are the pride of the educated youth and the pessimistic and gloomy mood later. Rhyme or not, inscrutable or straightforward, I listened very carefully, even though I knew that she was reciting these verses not so much to me as to vent her own homesickness.

Finally, as she read her mother's last poem, she cried. I didn't understand the poem, but I was moved.

She quickly controlled it, and the few tears that had been floating in her eye sockets were wiped away by her as soon as they flowed. No sobbing, that's all.

It was getting late, we spent too much time in this small restaurant, and Anxin called the waiter to come and pay the bill, she really had to pay. I grabbed the bill and said, "I'll pay it." Anxin said: "Didn't I invite you today, this is Shane's meal." I said, "Don't be so clear with me, when you get rich in the future, I will find you to eat big every day." But Anxin still rushed to hand over the money he had taken out to the waiter, turned his face to me and said, "I already owe you, I can't owe it anymore." ”

She insisted on paying, and I didn't fight anymore, and the scramble in front of the waiters was so obvious that people would think that we had just met. And the girl is like this, she said that if she doesn't want to owe you, don't be hard, but it seems to have ulterior motives.

Fortunately, the meal only cost more than sixty yuan. At that time, I didn't know what the more than 60 yuan meant to Anxin.

As we walked out of the gate of Jialing Pavilion, the wind had stopped and the rain had stopped. We got into the car. I drove the car as fast as I could, and the water on the ground hit the chassis of the car with a thud. The sound was delightful. It was very late, the car drove to the gate of the Beijing Normal Sports School, and when we parked, we all saw that the iron gate of the sports school had been closed. Anxin got out of the car and stood in front of the closed gate in a daze. I also got out of the car, and I knew she couldn't get in. All I had in my head at this time was this surprise besides alcohol! I said, "Come and stay with me." I have land there. She didn't look back and said, "No." I stood behind her and refused to go, and I said, "You can't get in." She still didn't look back, only said, "I'll figure it out myself, you go home quickly, thank you for sending me back." ”

I suddenly stepped forward and hugged her hard. For the past two months, I have been pretending to be gentle in front of her, and I should have come to Lu a long time ago for this girl I liked, and I should have been happy to go wild! According to Liu Minghao, women have the desire to be abused, and they all have the desire to be **, and many girls still like men to be hard with her! I hugged Anxin and kissed her ear with my mouth, probably I was too sudden and rude to startle Anxin, she shook off me and subconsciously hid against the wall: "Yang Rui, what are you doing!" "I couldn't calm down as soon as my brain was hot, so I rushed up and squeezed Anxin against the wall, insisting on kissing her. Anxin shouted: "Yang Rui, you are drunk, don't make trouble, you go away!" She struggled to break free of me and ran to the street in front of her. I grabbed her and grabbed her clothes, which tore with a thud. The voice sobered me up a bit, and I knew I had made a mess and that she would be angry for tearing her clothes. I chased after her, trying to hug her and apologize to her, but this apologetic action backfired, and she was even more frightened, quickened her pace, and desperately shook me off and ran towards the brightly lit street. I caught up and reached out and tried to hold her, I wanted to hold her and say sorry, but she suddenly stopped, turned on the spot, and one foot spun up, high and fast, and made half a circle in the air like lightning, and hit me on the head with a bang. I screamed "ouch", and the whole person fell diagonally, hitting the curb of the road.

My wine woke up, and I looked at the peace of mind in amazement. I realized that her sudden blow just now turned out to be an extremely beautifully done and even perfect "back swing leg"! It's the kind of "back swing leg" that only a master of taekwondo can do so wide, wide and neat!

I slumped on the cold, damp floor, my mind cleared. I saw that Anxin's footsteps at this time were one after the other, and the footwork was both standard and steady. Her posture was hardly at all like the innocent girl I was familiar with. At that moment, I was only amazed and amazed, completely ignoring the pain that came from nowhere.

Anxin was also stunned, her kick may have been unexpected by herself. She saw that I was lying on the curb and couldn't get up, and thought that the kick must have kicked me badly, and she stared at me at a loss. Only then did I feel that my mouth and nose were hot, wet and as if there was blood, and I wiped it with my hand, and my hand was really red. Anxin panicked when he saw the blood, so he ran over and squatted down, took out a handkerchief to wipe it for me, and we said almost at the same time: "I'm sorry." ”

Anxin helped me up, my right foot was really broken, and the pain was so painful that I almost didn't dare to touch the ground. Anxin helped me to try to move forward: "Are you really hurt?" I really couldn't walk, she frowned: "Then what to do, can you still drive?" ”

I looked at her and asked, "How do you know taekwondo?" ”

She didn't answer, saying, "Go to the hospital." ”

I leaned on her body and walked towards my car. Her body is soft and powerful, and it feels great. The pain turned into happiness because of this, and I wish the road ahead was longer, but unfortunately my car was right in front of me, a few steps away.

I said, "I've broken my right foot and I can't drive, but if I have broken my left foot, I'll probably be fine." ”

Anxin didn't react, helped me to the front of the car, and said, "Key." ”

Confused, I pulled out my car keys and asked incredulously, "You know how to drive?" ”

Anxin didn't answer, helped me into the car, and then sat in the driver's seat, playing the car, gearing, and letting go of the handbrake, a series of skillful and quick movements made me dumbfounded! The car started with a brush, the sound, the speed, a bit like the car skills in the police movie. When the car drove out of the intersection, she said, "I don't have a driver's license, and the police will detain you if they check it." ”

I'm glad she spoke to me in such a non-inhibited tone. I replied, "You've made me like this, and you're going to let the police detain my book, how are you going to destroy me, ah?" ”

She said, "Didn't I apologize to you?" And he said, "You did it first." ”

We didn't know where there was a hospital nearby, so we asked her to drive around the street, and finally found the Beijing Hospital, where I had my injured mouth, nose and right foot treated at the Beijing Hospital's night clinic. By the time we walked out of the hospital, it was the middle of the night, and the glittering rain had accumulated on the ground, and the rain had made the streets even more depressed at night, and there were hardly any cars or pedestrians passing in front of the hospital. The street lights are dim, and the whole city seems a little ambiguous, as if something secret could happen around every corner.

I suddenly remembered and asked Anxin, "How much did it cost to see a doctor just now?" ”

"It's more than eighty, what's wrong?"

I dug into my pocket and said, "I'll give it to you." ”

I took out the money, took a hundred-dollar bill, and handed it to her, and she looked at the money, didn't take it, and said, "This is the money that should be paid by me." ”

I said, "How much do you earn a month?" ”

She repeated: "This is the money I should pay." ”

I said, "I did it first, and this is the money I should pay." I'll have to pay for your clothes. ”

I shoved the money hard in her pocket, and she dodged: "I don't want it." I shoved it in and said, "I'm sorry to you." ”

I limped towards the car. She followed, helped me into the car, and then started the car, as if thinking for a while, before asking, "Where do you live?" ”

Her words made me smile in my heart, this opportunity was really not easy to come by, because it was not easy, it was particularly interesting. Finally, it was nearly midnight, and I brought peace of mind to my home. Bringing a beloved girl home in the dead of night was a real surprise to me, even though the whole process seemed a little scheming.

Anxin helped me upstairs, helped me into the house, and helped me all the way to the bed. She asked me, "Do you drink water?" ”

I said, "No." ”

She said, "Then I'll go." ”

I said, "Then I'll drink." ”

She helped me pour the water, and I showed her where the cup was. When she finished pouring the water, she said, "I should go." ”

I said, "Where are you going so late?" ”

She said, "I can't sleep with you." ”

I said, "What's the matter with sleeping with me, are you afraid that I'm going to be rude?" ”

"Sort of," she said. ”

I said, "You see that I have been injured like this, even if I have the heart and courage of this thief, I don't have the ability of this thief." Besides, I don't have the guts to do that. ”

She smiled: "So, you have that thief's heart?" ”

I salivated and said shamelessly: "I can't care about what I think in my heart, I don't even have the right to 'fornication'?" ”

"What?" She didn't seem to understand.

I digressed and said, "You sleep on the bed, and I sleep on the sofa outside, isn't it okay?" ”

She thought for a moment and said, "It's better for you to sleep on the bed, and I'll sleep on the sofa." I can't sleep in other people's beds. ”

Okay, I stopped being stubborn and limped around trying to find clean sheets, pillows, and towel quilts for peace of mind. That night, this girl whom I racked my brains and desperately pursued in vain, finally slept in my small living room. This is a rare opportunity, because Zhong Ning and her brother happened to go to Russia together to discuss business the day before, and it is estimated that it will take half a month to come back. I don't have to worry about her suddenly coming in the middle of the night or early in the morning to "catch the rape in pairs". I slept soundly that night, and that little bit of "thief's heart" really didn't move.

In the morning, I was woken up by a soft knock on the door. I knew it was peace of mind, and I shouted, "Come in, the door is unlocked!" Anxin pushed the door in, and said a little anxiously and apologetically: "I'm sorry I got up late, I wanted to help you make breakfast, but I might be late again today." ”

I said, "It's okay, I never eat breakfast." You can drive my car, no one will be late this time for you. ”

She hid her joy: "Okay? Don't you use a car today? ”

I stretched out my two slick arms, stretched hard, and said, "I made you like this, how can you drive?" I'm a good guy this time, you just drive away, don't let the police catch you. ”

Anxin was very happy, took the car keys and left, I shouted at her: "Don't forget to send the car back after class in the evening." ”

I slept all day.

In the evening, Anxin came back and sent back the car. Seeing that I was still lying in bed, he asked me what I was doing today, and if I had dinner. I said I hadn't even eaten lunch yet. Anxin said what's wrong, I said that I was so sore that I couldn't cook. Anxin said then I'll do it for you, what do you have at home? I got out of bed unkempt, went to the kitchen, opened the fridge and pointed, told her what was there, then washed my face and went back to the living room to turn on the TV. After a while, Anxin actually brought out two dishes and one soup in style, and steamed rice. Although the two dishes and one soup were made from some of my leftover cooked food, I dare say it was the most delicious dinner I've ever had.

I was also really hungry and yelled at the food as I ate. I said don't worry, if you marry whoever you marry in the future, you will be blessed. Anxin said that I will not marry anyone. I tilted my head and asked why, as for hating men so much? Anxin said that I don't hate men, it's men who hate me. I'm a vixen, and if a man follows me, he's going to be unlucky.

I smiled and said coldly, "Then I'd like to try." ”

Anxin said, "Didn't you already try it yesterday?" ”

I knew she was talking about her kick last night. Her kick is really powerful, which makes people admire and have palpitations at the same time. I almost didn't notice that she used this way of answering yesterday, and I cleverly diverted my meaning.

I had no choice but to divert the topic and ask, "Hey, you haven't answered me yet, why do you know taekwondo?" ”

An Xin was silent for a while, and said perfunctorily: "Haven't you ever eaten pork, haven't you seen a pig run?" I watched you practice there all day long, kicking and kicking, and not just two of them. ”

I said, "Who are you fooling, taekwondo looks simple and difficult to practice, just your back swing yesterday, I haven't practiced it for two months." Your leg, if you don't have three years or two years, you will definitely not be able to get out of that 'fan'. Is it that which coach of our gym has placed a class order for you to eat a small stove? ”

Anxin watched the TV news with an eyes, smiled faintly, and said, "I wish I had that time." ”

I think too, she works and attends classes every day, from morning to night, and it is impossible for her to have free time to practice taekwondo.

After I finished eating, Anxin helped me wash the dishes, and said, "There's still a bus here, I need to go back early." ”

I stopped her: "Don't, don't you see that I can't take care of myself in life?" I'll have to take some responsibility for your kicking. ”

She was stunned: "How else can I be responsible?" ”

I said, "You can help me cook for a few days, I'm injured and can't keep up with my nutrition." Seeing that she didn't answer, I followed again, which was a kind of compensation and exchange, "You can use my car to go to work and class all the time these days, and it can also save you a little time when you are squeezing the car?" ”

She hesitated: "Can't you get yourself something to eat?" ”

I said firmly, "No!" ”

She said: "I live here in your neighborhood, I don't know anyone, it doesn't matter, it's mainly bad for you." ”

I said, "It's been all this time, and who's interested in caring about you?" The advantage of living in this kind of unit building is that they live their own lives behind closed doors, and no one cares about anyone's affairs, and I have lived here for four years, and I don't know a single neighbor. Everyone hears the voices of chickens and dogs, and they don't get along with each other. ”

She hesitated.

I smiled, "You're afraid of me, aren't you?" I promise not to touch you, okay? ”

She shook her head in denial: "I'm not afraid of this. ”

I immediately followed: "Are you really not afraid of fake?" ”

She also smiled: "If you dare to mess around, I will let you lie down for another half a year." ”

I said, "If you would serve me every day, I would be glad to lie down like this." ”

She kept her mouth shut, because it would be a bit of flirting with each other if she continued to talk about it. But she didn't insist on leaving. On this day she stayed again.

She lived for more than ten days in a row, leaving early and returning late every day. Sometimes I come back very late, saying that I went to run errands. No matter how late she came back, she helped me clean up the house, make dinner, and get up in the morning to help me make breakfast and lunch. I never ate breakfast before, but with peace of mind, I have changed my habit of sleeping lazy. At first, she didn't eat with me after cooking, always saying that she had already eaten, and then when I insisted and pretended to be angry, she began to eat breakfast and dinner with me. The feeling of the two eating together at home is very special, it really has the taste of a small couple of people. During the day, I would walk slowly to the nearby vegetable market on crutches to buy a lot of delicious chicken, duck and fish, and we would eat and drink every night, and then watch TV and chat together. In addition to sleeping separately, it's really like two people, living a harmonious and happy life. This is the first time I have experienced the beauty of spiritual love in my experience with girls.

The period when I "cohabited" with An An played an important role in the psychological development of my later life ideals and standards of happiness, and subtly influenced my views and feelings about women, love, sex, and family. To put it mildly, this period was an enlightenment and an important milestone in my formative life, taking me a big step towards an adult mentality. Although I was not aware of these at the time, and I did not immediately change my apparent attitude towards life and thinking habits. I'm still the same person. But a large part of my subsequent changes came from looking back and yearning for this time.

Like everything that is beautiful and unrealistic, this time is short. When it was coming to an end, I felt a special nostalgia, as if it had just begun.

That night, when we finished eating, watched TV, and were about to go to bed, An Xin suddenly said: "Yang Rui, I can't live any longer, I won't come tomorrow." You're going to take care of yourself. ”

She put the keys to the car and the door on the coffee table in front of me. I didn't say anything about keeping her, because I knew that Zhong Ning was about to return from Russia, and I couldn't keep her anymore.

I didn't make a sound, put away the key, and said sullenly, "Thank you for peace of mind, thank you for taking care of me these days." I'm so happy to have a life like this, I've never had a life like this. ”

Anxin was silent for a moment, looked at me, and said, "It's like home, right?" ”

Yes, she was right, but I didn't immediately agree and asked her, "Do you feel that way?" ”

An Xin looked away, lowered his head and said, "I have had this kind of life before. ”

I looked at her puzzled, and my heart suddenly chuckled, and I blurted out, "You used to ...... Ever had a boyfriend? ”

Looking up at ease, we looked at each other, and in my faint sense, it was a kind of goodbye gaze. She said, "Don't ask me about it, you'll be disappointed." ”

I want to hear it, I really want to hear stories about peace of mind. Maybe her gaze gave me a kind of foreshadowing of the end in my heart, maybe this foreshadowing made me suddenly magnanimous, so that I didn't care what kind of shortcomings and experiences Anxin had, even if she did have a boyfriend in the past, even if she was no longer a virgin, I would like her as much as I do now. Maybe I should have thought that a beautiful girl like her could never have been pursued by a man, how could she never have a long or short relationship, and even, how could she never bud in the pursuit of a man and keep it for me? However, I thought that no matter what she was, no matter what happened to her in the past, she would always be pure in my mind. A girl's purity should depend on her personality and heart, not on her history.