When the train was about to reach Nande, I saw Nanmeng Mountain.

Nanmeng Mountain looks at nothing at all from a distance, the mountain is more than soothing, the majestic is insufficient, perhaps only by being immersive, you can appreciate those deep cliffs and cliffs and dangerous valleys and abysses. As soon as dawn broke, the rain came, and the heavy clouds had swept away most of Nanmeng Mountain. The train crosses the pass to see the turning point of the mountains, revealing layers of rich and diverse vegetation and the occasional stream or two.

Coming out of the train station, looking back at the mountain again, the green of the mountain has been dyed black by the miasma of half-cloud and half-fog. The small town in front of me that has been washed by the rain looks fresh. The air was crisp and there was almost no impurities. The transparent breeze makes people want to breathe greedily, greedily want to inhale the coolness in the rain into their lungs, as if every blood meridian in the body has been cleaned and smoothed between this breath.

I picked a wet stone road and walked towards the city, and every bump under my feet revealed the vicissitudes of these old-fashioned streets. The plain-faced women standing by the window in the roadside shop were mostly silent with a sentimental expression, looking at every stranger who hurried by alone with their heads bowed in the rain. As soon as you arrive in the rainy day, the city looks very deserted, which is also one of the characteristics of the simple style of the small city people. This kind of charming desertion is rare to see in big cities. In big cities, rain or shine, the streets are irritating and crowded.

The last time I left South Germany was early summer, and I vaguely remember that it was almost dusk, and the sun was still a little hot in the west. I was carried out of the hospital on a stretcher and into an ambulance. The ambulance headed in the direction of the train station with its blue overhead lights flashing to catch the direct express train that left in the evening.

The young policeman who had been in charge of taking care of me accompanied me to Kunming, and stayed with me in the hospital in Kunming for another two days before leaving. When he said goodbye to me, I couldn't speak freely. Before leaving, he left me a few words of blessing in front of my bed, such as a good recovery and a good recovery. I could only nod slightly, and could only say in a soft voice: "Thank you, big brother." ”

The one who came to take over from him to take care of me was a reassuring father. I cried when the young policeman brought him in and said that he would take over the care of me, and I sobbed loudly despite the sharp pain in my ribs. I owe so much to the Anxin family this year! I don't even know when I'll be able to pay off these kindnesses!

Anxin's father was so quiet that he wouldn't even say anything to persuade me to tears. He stood in front of my bed silently, but the kindness on his face reminded me of my childhood and my mother.

From Anxin's father's mouth, I learned the news that Anxin was injured, the news of Xiaoxiong's murder, and the news that Mao Jie was shot dead by the police for resisting arrest. All this is as unreal as a dream for me, a Beijinger who has come from the ordinary and cookie-cutter city life. I woke up from a nightmare then, as I do now, and I just want to see peace of mind, I just want to be with her. I miss peace of mind and think to the point of madness. But I couldn't see her, she was wounded, and I couldn't move in my hospital bed, and I couldn't travel all the way across the ocean from Los Angeles in the United States like I do now, just to see her.

That's right, maybe I'm looking for peace of mind, just to see her. She had not heard from me since she ran away from home, and I had concluded with despair that she was tired of our life together and of the future we envisioned. And now, the determination of my search for peace of mind, the twists and turns of the process, and the growing illusions in my heart may have given me the illusion that once we find peace of mind, we will start again, the kind of hold that I have been looking forward to. At this moment, I came to Nande, walked out of the train station and walked into the rain, the cold light rain suddenly woke me up, made me realize that my wishful thinking was perhaps just a beautiful illusion, maybe Anxin did not change his mind at all, and did not want me to stay or go back with me.

The signs of our breakup may have been around since last summer, but I had no idea. I didn't even know it was the hottest summer in Beijing, and I spent some peaceful days lying in the cool spring city of Kunming. My injuries were brought under control and gradually healed. The money for my hospitalization was all brought by Anxin's father, and I probably completely used up their remaining family funds even for treatment, food, and nutrition, and I also asked if they were still in debt, but every time I asked, Anxin's father just shook his head and didn't tell me anything.

He just said, "No, no, you take care of it, don't worry about it." ”

Among them, Anxin's mother also came to Kunming once to see me. She brought me reassuring news. She told me that Anxin's gunshot wound was almost sealed, but she had lost too much blood and was still very weak. In addition, her mother's words silently and vaguely revealed that Anxin has not been able to come out of the shadow of the bear victim so far, and her mental state is worrying.

"She rarely talks to me, just thinks silently by herself." Her mother said to me, "Maybe you're the only one who can enlighten her." She doesn't tell me about the bear, but when she says you, she urged me to come and see you early on. ”

At my request, Anxin's parents went to the doctor, and the doctor agreed that they would help me out of bed and go to an office in the hospital to call Anxin. At that time, Anxin couldn't get out of bed, and it was her mother who made an appointment with Captain Pan of the anti-narcotics brigade in advance, and called Lao Pan's mobile phone when Lao Pan went to see her in the hospital. Anxin's voice on the phone made me a little unfamiliar, the voice became weak and hoarse, and she only said one sentence: "Yang Rui, I miss you ......" and couldn't continue. I said a lot with red eyes that I wanted her to feel sorry for her, and I also said encouraging words such as hoping that she would take good care of her body, listen to the doctor, be cheerful and cheer up, and also said optimistic words such as we will meet soon, everything will be fine, and I will always love her. Anxin didn't answer, and she didn't hear on the other side of the phone. The call was later picked up by Captain Pan, and he said Anxin was a little excited, do you have anything else to say, I'll tell her, or wait for her to calm down or get better. I knew Anxin was crying, and she couldn't talk to me anymore. I said to Captain Pan: I don't have anything else to say, just tell her that I'm almost ready, and I'll go to her as soon as I'm well!

Maybe I'm young after all and have a very strong metabolism, so after two weeks I've been able to get out of bed freely and move slowly around the room. On the day I was able to get out of bed and walk around, I asked to be discharged from the hospital so that I could go to Nande to accompany me at ease. It is unbearable for us to be unable to meet again after we have suffered such a catastrophe and trauma, and besides, I can't bear to exhaust the blood and sweat of the Anxin family so peacefully, and keep raising it endlessly in this bottomless pit of money.

After much negotiation, I was finally approved by the doctor and my father. The day before I was about to pack up and be discharged, it was still early in the morning, just after dawn, An An appeared in my hospital room unexpectedly. She was helped in by her mother, and when they came in I thought it was a new female patient who had gone to the wrong room.

Anxin was so emaciated that I could hardly recognize him, and his face was very bad, almost grayish-green. We hugged each other for a long time at my bedside, in front of my reassuring parents, and under the amazed gaze of all the patients in the room who had just woken up. We cried silently without saying a word.

We returned to Beijing after the summer rush had just passed. Anxin's father went back to Qingmian because of something at home, and Anxin's mother accompanied us back to our home. She stayed with us for a month, taking care of our frail bodies, as well as our wounded hearts.

The recovery of the mind is like the recovery of the body, and the most effective medicine is time. When Anxin's mother left a month later and we were going back to Qingmian, Anxin and I looked as healthy as ever. No one talks about the past anymore, and there are no pictures of bears and other bear-related things on the walls and beds in the house. It's safe to put them away. She even volunteered to tell me that she was trying to convince herself that she had never been married, had never had children, had never been a police officer, and had never experienced any complicated ups and downs. She struggled to believe that she was a simple, unworldly girl from body to soul.

I knew she was trying, trying her best to get out of that black hole-like shadow; I knew that she was saving herself, that she had realized in the face of grief that she was on the verge of collapse, and that she didn't want to ruin herself like that. She tries to build a desire to move on with her life, and she has the idea of extricating herself. That's good, everything is going in a good direction, I think.

I thought, what can I do for her? In addition to physical care and life care, what I can give peace of mind is love. More than ever, I pay attention to making our daily days full of love, full of countless small thoughtfulness, full of sweet words and vows...... But we don't mention marriage, no one mentions it. I know that the bear's bones are not cold, and it is too early to mention such a festive event.

Luckily, I got a job as a shift manager at a jockey club. The salary is in the early 2000s per month, which is not low. Expenses such as food, clothing, and medical treatment are all-inclusive and more affordable. Anxin is not looking for a job for the time being. Her personality has changed too much compared to the past, she always talks little, and she likes to be stunned alone, so I think it's better for her not to go to work for the time being. I don't want much in terms of peace of mind, and the money I earn is enough to provide for the two of us to live a simple and happy life on weekdays.

On the surface, our lives are back to their usual state, stable and peaceful. I go to work every morning and usually come back by eight o'clock in the evening. Anxin and I usually eat our own food, and I cook and clean up the house with her at home when I am on vacation. Anxin, as in the past, took care of me in life, and even washed my hair, washed my feet, put on clothes and socks, and she did it for me one by one. She probably not only regarded me as Yang Rui, but also as a bear, and sometimes her attitude and tone towards me were like doting on a young child.

Our lives went back to normal, the only difference was that Anxin's personality changed, and I began to lose sight of her. It's nothing for a girl you can't fathom her, it's nothing if she doesn't like to talk and has no desire to communicate, as long as you believe that she still loves you. She likes to be silent, so I try to adjust myself as much as possible, and with her, we can't talk a few words together every day. But here's the thing: she's not happy! I can see that she is not happy! She had too many things on her mind, and she couldn't solve them or get rid of them. All her smiles, all her relaxed looks, all her statements about forgetting the past and starting over are all deliberately made, they are all made for me to see.

Regarding her changes, I deliberately did not ask or pierce them. Once she squatted on the ground to wash my feet, and as she washed herself, she cried silently, and I didn't ask. I just helped her up, took the water from the basin to the bathroom and poured it out, and then I said to her, "It's so comfortable for you to wash my feet." "I think if I asked her why she was crying, she wouldn't say, why did she cry? Do you need to ask! Another time, I took her to KFC for a burger, and the fast food restaurant happened to be playing her favorite song, Chen Xiaodong's "Happier Than Me", and she listened so attentively that I saw her cry again when I bought the burger and brought it to the table. I still didn't ask, just sat down and said, "This song is really good, it's good, if you really like it, go buy a tape of this song." Anxin lowered his head and wiped his tears as if he was awakened, and said, "No." ”

I think it's better to believe in time, maybe only time can heal her wounds and heal her pain, I have to wait patiently.

But things didn't turn out as usual as I thought, and I now think that there were signs before the final outcome came out, but I ignored them. Because I believed in the omnipotence of time, I ignored other possibilities, so that I did not seize the opportunity to prevent the slightest mistake and make timely guidance and remediation.

It was Wednesday, my weekend, and I thought about taking Anxin to the Qinglongxia Reservoir in Huairou the next day. A Xia boss who often comes to our club for horseback riding is a shareholder of a resort there, and he often comes to the clubhouse and gets acquainted with me, so I want to bring my girlfriend to his place to play, and I have talked several times. I didn't dare to take advantage of customers, so I didn't really go. Later, when I talked to the sales manager of our club about this, the sales manager agreed with me and even encouraged me to go. He said that you go, you go, you go, and you become friends with customers, and becoming friends is more conducive to holding him. Our kind of club relies on regular customers, and every employee has to make friends with customers, as long as you don't insist on customers to invite you or imply that customers invite you, it's fine. He asks you several times and you ignore him, and he will feel that you actually don't like him or put on a show, but it's not good. To make friends, you have to have contacts with each other, and it is also rude to come and go.

So on the weekend, when Boss Xia came to ride a horse again and asked me if I was going, I said okay, I was afraid of bothering you. Boss Xia smiled: What's the trouble, I won't accompany you, you have to go and I'll arrange it for you, and you can play by yourself. We are not the same as you are. We had a place full of nature, mountains and rivers, and it was very comfortable. I'll give you a chance to pat your girlfriend's ass. I made a happy look and said: Then thank you Boss Xia.

I was so happy that I came home from work in the evening, and I don't think we had ever had a happy time going out since we came back from Yunnan. I imagined what it would be like to be happy to be happy in a place where there are mountains and rivers, and I was very excited because I imagined and foresaw the joy of peace of mind.

On the way home, I bought some drinks and food to take to Qinglong Gorge the next day, and also bought a plate of Chen Xiaodong's "Happier Than Me". I borrowed a walkman from my colleague and prepared to listen to it the next day. I remembered that we had quarreled for Chen Xiaodong in the past, so I specially bought this imaginary enemy of mine to please peace of mind. I think I'm so cheap, I can do anything to make peace of mind happy. I bought the tape, and when I saw Chen Xiaodong's lover-like face printed on the cover of the tape, I felt like I was pimping An Xin and this kid.

I got home and went upstairs to open the door. Somewhat surprisingly, the lights were dark in the house. It's rare for me to go home and the lights are dark, and I don't know if Anxin is asleep or out. I shouted, "Peace of mind! No one answered. I turned on the light and found that the room was somehow clean, almost spotless, everything was neatly arranged, even the kitchen and bathroom were windowed. I'm a little confused, I don't know why I can do it so thoroughly today. I walked from the living room to the bedroom, and then I saw the letter that Anxin had left for me on the bedside table on my side.

The letter was in an unsealed envelope, and on the surface it looked like a normal thing sitting there casually. But when I saw the envelope with the string of keys to the house, a sense of foreboding immediately enveloped me, how could I have thought that it was actually the farewell of Anxin and my life! Yang Rui:

I'm gone, I'm not coming back. Don't look for me, you can't find me.

I'm telling you, I've liked you since the first time I met you. Later, I couldn't stand you being so good to me, no matter which girl like you was so good, how could she not be tempted! It's a real pleasure to be loved by you, and I've always fantasized about being able to live with you like this for the rest of my life. I really like this home you gave me, and when I'm leaving now, I find that I really can't bear it. I especially like to wash your hair, feet, clothes, and cook, and I especially want to take care of you like this for the rest of your life. I feel so sad that I have no one to take care of you after I'm gone, and I want to cry when I think of you being alone at home. Today, I cleaned up this home for the last time, and I couldn't hold back my tears when I wiped everything. Everything in this house can tell me a story about us, and everything is loudly asking me to stay! But Yang Rui, I have to leave, I am destined, I can't have love, I can't have a home. I was destined to live an incognito life. I was destined to be alone. You may not know how much I love you, I love you more than I love Tiejun, it feels different from Tiejun. But Tiejun is my husband after all. I can't go and talk about love after my husband dies and my son dies again, I can't stand it in my heart. I feel like I should be responsible for them, do something for them, and even die for them! I can't bear to leave them behind to live happily ever after. Every day I feel like they're looking at me, looking at me, telling me that they want to live in peace and happiness like this. I can't comfort them, I can't wave goodbye to them! I can't turn around and never look at them again! They used to be my relatives, they loved me, they gave me joy, they helped me, they died for me. I can't turn around and never look at them again!

I knew that I would hurt you and make you angry if I left you like this, so I started to follow you back to Beijing from Yunnan. I've always wanted to forget the past and be a person who has lost my memory forever, but I didn't succeed. Except for my parents, among the three people who love me the most, you are the only one who is still alive, and you will enjoy many, many joys in life in the future. I believe that there will be many kind and beautiful girls who love you, and as long as you forget about me, you will immediately have new happiness, think about it, it's that simple.

I'm gone Yang Rui, I can't accompany you to take care of you anymore, I'm sorry. Forget about me, the sooner the better. If we all had an afterlife, maybe we'd meet again, maybe we'd recognize each other! Then wait until the next life. At that time, I hope you are still as good as you are now, and love me as much as you do now.

Let me hug you again, kiss you again, the most perfect Yang Rui in my heart!

Peace of mind that no longer exists

I burst into tears halfway through reading this letter, and I cried as I read it, "Why are you doing this, why are you doing this......" I subconsciously ran out of the house, running downstairs with one foot high and one foot low, and rushed to the street, I ran blindly trying to find the back of the lost person, I knew it was impossible, but I still frantically searched all over the street. On summer nights, the streets are bustling, many of the shops are still open, and the gorgeous lights spread out from those shops, reflecting the wandering faces of passers-by as excited and tired, as attentive as indifferent, leisurely and hurried......

That night I sat on the floor of the living room in a daze until dawn. I really don't know what's going on. Why did Anxin write such a letter, why did he run away from home so suddenly? Doesn't she love me? But she said she loved me. Is she tired of living like a housewife? But she said she couldn't bear this home. And I didn't keep her from going out to work. I don't know if she thinks she will definitely not be able to get out of that shadow, or if she is not in the mood to get married and is afraid that I will force her to get married, but I didn't force her, why should I force her! Her letter didn't say where she was going, she told me not to look for her, but she didn't want to think about how I couldn't look for her when she left so inexplicably!

The next day, I wrote a letter to Anxin's parents and told them about Anxin's departure. Ask them if they know beforehand. I told them I loved Anxin and I didn't want to lose her. I begged them to tell me what I should do now. I don't know the phone number and mailing address of Anxin's parents, but the letter was sent to the Mass Cultural Center in Qingmian, Yunnan. I also made a phone call to Lao Pan, the captain of the South German Anti-Narcotics Brigade, and I knew Lao Pan's mobile phone number. The phone was dialed several times before it was connected, and Lao Pan said that he didn't know that Anxin had the idea of running away from home, and he had no contact with Anxin, and he promised to notify me immediately if there was any news of Anxin.

Eight days later, I counted day by day, so I remember that my parents replied with a very accurate and relieved letter. They said they had also received a reassuring letter a few days ago, telling them that she wanted to live alone for a while, telling them not to worry about her, and that they didn't know anything else. Anxin's parents sent their contact number and the letter to their parents. The letter couldn't be shorter, only two and a half lines, and it also said that she loved them, and asked them not to look for her, not to worry. Anxin's parents told me that they had also contacted the South German Anti-Narcotics Brigade and received almost the exact same response as I had received.

I called to the unit for three days in a row to ask for leave, and the loss of peace of mind almost made me sleep and food, restless, unable to work and unable to see people. It wasn't until the fourth day that my mood barely stabilized, and I managed to get to class. I don't work and no one feeds me. After going to work, my immediate boss, the female manager of the reception department of the club, quietly told me that Manager Lin of the club was dissatisfied with me, saying that I was so big and like a child, and I was too unqualified to treat people.

I was a little stunned, not knowing why the manager's dissatisfaction was coming, so I asked sullenly, "What did I do wrong?" ”

The female manager of the reception department has always been kind to me and asked me, "When did you knock that frequent Boss Xia?" That day, Manager Lin was drinking tea with Boss Xia when he said this, as if Boss Xia said something about you. When Manager Lin told me about you, Boss Xia was still playing a round game, saying that it's okay, it's okay, it's a trivial matter, let's not criticize you. When did you offend that person surnamed Xia? ”

I blinked for a long time before I remembered something, looked down and said, "Fuck, I'm fucking dizzy!" ”

Yes, I was so dizzy in those days, I don't know what I had in my head. But how can I explain it to people, how can I say that my lover, my girlfriend, has run away from home and is missing. I'm going to say that they will all laugh and say that you stupid × why people are dumped and stunned, how did you act as a man!

I was really dizzy in those days, I didn't want to go to work, I was always in a trance after work every day, and there were mistakes at work, but fortunately, the female manager helped me with everything, helped me wipe my buttocks, helped me cover up and cleaned up the aftermath. Every night, when I get home, I don't dare to turn on the lights, I'm afraid to see these two empty and lifeless rooms. A few months ago, there was still the sound of Anxin busy in the kitchen, and the sound of me and the bear playing in the living room. Now, I'm the only one, from the inner room to the outer room, facing the four walls.

In those days, I lay in bed alone almost every night, listening to Chen Xiaodong's new song "Happier Than Me". Maybe because Chen Xiaodong is a man, I always feel that I am singing to Anxin, and I am confiding my feelings to her:

Embracing you at this moment,

There is also a beginning and an end.

There are many kinds of blessings,

The heartache is all in plain sight.

……

I wondered, is it really like this that our love really ends without a problem? Could it be that the person I love has left such a simple blessing on us in this life, and then left me alone to wait for the reunion in the next life?

The song "Happier Than Me", I listen to it every day. After listening to it for a long time, I found that it was more like a confession to me. I suddenly understood why she cried when she heard this song at KFC that day, she probably had the idea of running away from home at that time, and this song happened to be in her mood.

……

Please be happier than me,

so as not to waste my embarrassment and quit.

No matter how painful it is, it doesn't mean bitterness,

Love doesn't have to be sorry to make up for it.

Remember that you are happier than me,

It's worth being cruel to myself!

……

Yes, she had thought of withdrawing from our love then, and she had already decided that she was going to make such a cruel choice, both for herself and for me. She said she was sorry in her letter, but she already knew then that love can't be made up for with a word of sorry!

……

Rest assured to chase your happiness,

Regardless of whether I want to or not,

Lonely and not lonely,

Don't care,

Please be happier than me.

I cried again, tears streaming down my face. In the darkness I saw the eyes of peace and mind, and she told me with her gaze that I must be happier than her. Let me never look for her again, never care about her again, don't care if she's lonely or not, don't care! I looked hard into her staring eyes, listened attentively to her distant heart, over and over again, like weeping, and kept repeating the earnest admonition:

…… Please be happier than me!