Happiness means and standards differently for everyone, but for me, it is a great happiness to be able to live with the people I love.

Therefore, the days of leaving peace of mind have become a kind of torment that I have never experienced, and every minute and every second has passed with trepidation. Time passed day by day, and my illusions were shattered day by day. I used to be lucky, hoping that Anxin just ran away from home because of a momentary emotional turmoil, and she will come back when she calms down and thinks of me after a few days of leaving. Every day when I come home from work and open the door, I fantasize that there will be lights and sounds in the house, and when the door opens, I will pounce on me and snuggle in my arms, muttering sorry and missing. But every time I opened the door, the room was pitch black and silent, and this black hole with no sound made me die again and again.

In those days, every once in a while, I would call Lao Pan of the Qingmian Mass Cultural Center and the South German Anti-Drug Brigade to ask Anxin's mother and Lao Pan about Anxin's whereabouts. Anxin's mother said that not long ago, they had received a phone call from Anxin to greet her parents and report her safety, and she has not been heard from since. Lao Pan simply told me that Anxin had never been in contact with the team since he left Nande last time due to injury, and no one knew about her here. After I called Lao Pan's mobile phone again in the autumn, no one answered, and Anxin's mother's phone seemed to have changed, and the sound of the line was always busy when I called countless times. The beep of the line over and over again made my mood gradually turn from burning to cold.

I wrote a letter to my parents again, and the letter was still sent to the Qingmian Mass Cultural Center. Eight days passed, two weeks passed, and the letter sank into the sea, and there was no reply. A month later, the post office returned the letter in its original envelope, with a printed note on the envelope that said: "No such person has been found."

I took the returned letter and was stunned for half an hour!

As time passed, I became numb day by day, no longer expecting miracles to happen. I don't even go home after work, I don't want to go back alone to the darkness and silence to chew on the desolation. Either sleep in the unit, or go out with colleagues to go clubbing late at night to spend money to get drunk, and when you are drunk, you will say a few meat jokes out loud, so that the feeling of heartache is worn away by alcohol in painless laughter. It's been a long, long time since I've been to a bar, and the crowded and noisy place is like a historical icon that makes me flash back to my past in a matter of seconds. All the twists and turns, all the grievances and grievances, all rushed in front of my eyes in an orderly manner, and after the surging I seemed to have returned to the original starting point. Drunken and chaotic, I never left this place in a trance, never experienced any unforgettable encounters, which made me more and more eager and indulge those late night drunkenness, because I always found some consciousness when I was awake, including the sadness and bitterness that I had long been tired of.

In places like bars, I often meet a group of half-familiar fox friends from the past, as well as the girls I used to date. When you meet fox friends and dog friends, everyone always has to talk nonsense together, which is all nonsense that has nothing to do with the grand purpose. I deliberately avoided and indifferent those girls, and seeing them made me can't help but make some kind of comparison, and peace of mind was more vulgar than them, and all of them made me uninterested. I don't want to be reassured by this comparison. Anxin is gone, not coming back, it doesn't belong to me anymore. This page in my history, no matter how lingering and moving, has been completely turned. Turning over the past history will never come back, and I can only torture myself if I blindly fall into the past!

I also met Liu Minghao at the bar, and I only met him once. He was with a few friends who were doing business, drinking listlessly, and he looked very old. He said that he was about to get married to Li Jia, so it was inconvenient for him to come out and mess around. He asked me what I was doing now, why I couldn't see anyone all summer. I didn't say anything about the incident when I went to Yunnan with Anxin, and it was a long story. I'm in a bad mood and don't want to nag anyone, and I don't want to exchange my own sighs for other people's surprises. I'm just saying that I'm working at a horse racing club right now, and I'm too busy at work, do you have any friends who love horseback riding, you introduced him? Liu Minghao asked for my business card and said that he likes to ride a horse and has time to go over and see if you are far away. I said: It's not far, it's ten minutes to drive east from Sanyuan Bridge. He asked: What about peace of mind, where does she work? Have you done your business? I didn't answer, noncommittal. He also said: I didn't expect this girl's ability to be so big, she changed you into a person, you don't love it now, you don't like to talk about it, you don't tell your buddies about anything, I will get married in the future, but don't be like you. I drank my head and drank dry, and smiled at him, I laughed and said that I had blown it with Anxin, really, lying to you bastard. He smiled half-incredulously: "You're arguing again, aren't you?" You're both small children, it's normal to quarrel together, it's okay to quarrel. I called the waiter to get the wine and said, "We've really blown it, it's been blowing for a long time, and she's gone, probably going back to her hometown." Liu Minghao looked at my expression and was a little convinced: Why? Is it your problem or hers? Or is it because of that kid's problem? I didn't speak, and I went back drinking. Liu Minghao saw that I was in a bad mood, so he put on a posture of a comrade-in-arms in the trenches, comforted me and said: Cough, Li Jia and I, I don't know how to live in the future. I'm just like you, I have to blow it in the end! Master Kong said it well, but villains and women are difficult to raise!

Liu Minghao and I also have grievances, but we are still friends. I can't figure out whether a person like Liu Minghao is a gentleman or a villain, it is difficult to raise or not, but it is not difficult to make friends. But no matter what, Liu Minghao is a special character in my life. The three most important girls in my experience have met and dated because of him.

Liu Minghao and I were both drunk that day. In the middle of the night, we staggered out of the bar and walked down the street to hail a taxi. When we broke up, Liu Minghao shouted at me inarticulately: "Hey, Yang Rui, I want to open a little, the old one doesn't go, the new one doesn't come, catch up with Brother Ming'er and send you a good one again!" Do you prefer raw or cooked now, huh? ”

I waved my hand and didn't say anything. I waved my hand and got into the taxi, and as soon as I got in the car I threw up and threw up in my seat. The driver got out of the driver's seat and pulled me to make me lose money. Liu Minghao also came over, and the two of us drunks were entangled with the unlucky driver for a long time. Later, I forgot whether I lost money or not, and then I didn't know how to do it and went home, as if Liu Minghao sent me back...... Forget all about the process.

Gradually, after getting drunk a few times, my mood calmed down and I was less desperate to live. In the eyes of my manager and colleagues at the Jockey Club, I was back to normal. They all knew later that I was so shy, because of a broken love. The manager let me do the logistics for a few weeks, and when he saw that I was okay and his face was normal, he asked me to sit back at the desk of the manager on duty, and everyone was happy that I was able to get out of this pain.

Early in the morning of the third day after my "official reinstatement", a young girl came to the clubhouse. As soon as she entered the front room, she walked straight to the desk of the manager on duty, and walked up to me and sat down uninvited. I was answering a phone call, a foreigner came to book a banquet, I made an apologetic gesture to the woman who sat down in front of me, and at the same time made a note of the time, number of people and relevant requirements made by the foreigner on the phone, and then negotiated with him the price, venue and table shape, etc. After the call, I didn't sort out the messy record for a while, and looked up and threw a gentle and professional smile at the woman across from me, but the smile was only "professional" for a few seconds before it immediately froze on my surprised face.

We looked each other in the eye and I said, "Oh, you're Babe!" ”

It was Bei Bei, who had not been seen for a long time, she smiled at me and said, "You are Yang Rui." ”

I was a little embarrassed and didn't know what to say. Seeing Babe was like seeing my past, and I said, "Uh...... When did you come to Beijing, did you want to come to us for horseback riding? ”

Bei Bei looked at me with a smile and looked at me for a long time before saying, "No, I don't want to ride a horse." ”

My language and expression were a little dull and stiff, and I said, "Oh, that'...... What do you need me to do for you? ”

Bei Bei smiled at my businesslike politeness and said, "Then I'll book a banquet too." ”

I immediately took out the reservation form and pen, and the "professional smile" on my face was restored, and my expression and words also brought out corresponding courtesy: "Okay, what standard banquet do you want to book?" ”

Bei Bei said, "What is the standard on your side?" ”

I introduced very quickly: "The minimum standard for our banquet here is 250 yuan per person, the maximum is 1,000 yuan per person, excluding drinks and room fees, plus 15% service charge, we are free of charge for flowers on the cloth table, if you are a member, we do not charge service fees, and the room fee is discounted in half......"

Bei Bei interrupted me: "Then set the highest standard." ”

I put the price on the reservation and asked, "How many do you order?" ”

Bei Bei said, "Four. ”

I kept it down and asked, "What time do you book?" ”

Bei Bei asked rhetorically: "When is it convenient for you?" ”

I looked up, stunned.

Bei Bei said generously: "I invite my cousin and her boyfriend, and I also invite you, I hope you can enjoy it." ”

It was on this evening that I sat in our club's most luxurious ballroom, and for the first time as a VIP, I enjoyed our own service and delicious food. Liu Minghao and Li Jia also came, all dressed up in gorgeous clothes. Liu Minghao pulled me to squeeze his eyebrows, and said with a pun: "Hey, don't forget that I brought this big customer for you, don't lose it sloppily if you catch it!" ”

It's a pleasure to eat with Babe. Bei Bei is a cheerful and straightforward girl, her thinking habits and perspective and way of expression are very different from our young people in Chinese mainland, but I can talk to her very well. After that sumptuous dinner of a high standard, Babe suggested that we go to the bar we met called "Boys and Girls". The four of us huddled into town together in a Xiali taxi and spent almost the night in "Boys and Girls". I hugged Babe and danced and had a lot of fun. That was the first time I laughed and danced happily after Anxin left, and I completely forgot about Anxin that night.

Yes, if I can forget about peace of mind, I should forget about peace of mind!

On the third day of dancing with Bei Bei in "Boys and Girls", I took the initiative to call the Hilton Hotel where she stayed for some reason and asked her if she wanted to come out and find a small restaurant for Beijing people to go to have a meal. Bei Bei asked meaningfully on the phone why I thought of inviting her to dinner, because I was afraid that she would be too bored in Beijing alone? I was silent for a moment, and then blurted out: No, I'm a little bored.

I said, "Are you free?" If you don't have time, forget it. ”

Bei Bei was also silent for a while, and then said, "Of course I'm free. ”

In the days that followed, Bei Bei and I ate together almost every night. In those relatively clean restaurants in Beijing, I told Bei Bei about our Beijing, from the places of interest to the stories of the hutongs, and everything that is popular among young people in Beijing now. Then, I listened to Bei Bei talk about the United States, about Americans' clothing, food, housing, transportation, and family concepts, and about how to see a doctor in the United States, how to drive, how to withdraw money, and how to fight lawsuits...... Each other's topics are both fresh and full of unfamiliar knowledge to each other. Such conversations made us quickly speculate and appreciate each other. Once, after dinner, Bei Bei took me to her room at the Hilton Hotel, and we continued to talk at home and abroad until late. When I said goodbye, Bei Bei saw me off at the door of the room, and before opening the door, we said goodbye to each other, feeling that each other's voices were a little strange, and then our eyes stopped on each other's faces. Finally, after staring at each other, Babe leaned against the wall of the hallway by the door and closed her eyes. I knew I was supposed to kiss her, so I kissed. I kissed her on the cheek and her lips, and kissed her very softly and lightly. After the kiss, I said, "See you tomorrow." ”

The next night we still ate together, and after eating, we still went to Beibei's restaurant to chat, and after chatting, we still looked at each other and kissed each other, and after the kiss, we asked each other for each other.

We woke up the next morning to a room full of red sunlight without the curtains closed. The color of the sun makes our smooth bodies look particularly good. We fell in love with our youth and beauty, and asked each other again. This is the first time I have come into contact with a woman's body since I left with peace of mind, and for some reason this is also the first time I have felt a faint sense of shame after doing this kind of thing with a girl. I feel like I'm sorry for peace of mind.

That morning, Bei Bei accompanied me to the café on the third floor of the hotel to have breakfast. Before breakfast, she suggested to me to go to the United States with her. I could see that Babe was serious, and that morning she had decided to make a lifelong promise.

A week later, Babe was gone and went back to the United States. We corresponded frequently with each other, talking on the phone, and the content of the letters and phone calls was mainly to say something about my love for love, and the other was about the progress of my formalities for going to the United States. Bei Bei said that the words of love and longing were more direct, and those words were always said as passionately. I'm more subtle, more lukewarm, less explicit. Bei Bei always complains that I am too cold to girls, but at the same time she says that she likes my character. She took my reaction to her as a character. She said it was more manly and cool. Babe hates men who rap and show too much.

Perhaps only I can see how reluctant and insincere I was to Babe's words of love. It's not that I don't like Beibei, but I can't help but ask myself heartily: Don't you love peace of mind? Do you still love peace of mind now?

But I knew I should go, and I should leave my hometown as far away as possible. It's not that I don't love peace of mind, it's peace of mind that forces me to go. It was she who took an irresponsible attitude towards our love, leaving a note of goodbye and then disappearing. I stayed in Beijing, stayed in our home, I couldn't get rid of the shroud of peace of mind, if I wanted to forget everything and get a new life, I had to leave here far away, just like peace of mind left Yunnan and came to Beijing to escape the pain, to transform and survive.

I should go, it's an opportunity.

On the morning of the first snow in winter, I took off from Beijing's new airport on a Northwest Airlines plane, swung half a circle left and right in the air, and then calibrated my direction and flew east. I tried my best to look down from the oval window, trying to get another glimpse of my homeland, which had been damp and blackened by the snow, but I couldn't see anything outside the window.

The day before I left Beijing, I stayed at home all day without going out. I turned out everything that Anxin and I had used together, everything that could have witnessed that we had loved each other and lived together, including the bear's clothes and toys. I watched and stroked them for a long time, shedding my last tears for peace of mind and for the bear. Then, I put them away one by one and put them in their respective positions on the day they left.

I cleaned the house carefully as I did when Anxin left, and then I also left a letter for Anxin. As I wrote it, I stubbornly thought that she might one day come back and see the room full of dust and this unsealed envelope on the bedside table.

Peace:

Are you finally back, my dear?

Tomorrow, November 17, 1999, I will be flying to the United States, and I will never return. Unless you want me back! I wanted to give you all my life, but you didn't. I would have liked to have you live happily ever after for the rest of your life, but that doesn't appeal to you anymore. You have your own choice, but unfortunately I still don't know what exactly you have chosen. You've left me with pain that I can't overcome and get rid of, you're different from any girl in this world, and you can make it hard for me to forget you! So I have to go. I'm going to go far away, to a place that is absolutely unfamiliar, so that I can forget you, just as you forget me.

If I don't write it, I'm going to cry, I don't want to cry for you anymore. I still can't believe how quickly we went our separate ways and lived very different lives, and never to do anything again! Is this true? Maybe only tomorrow when the plane takes me off the ground will I believe it's true, it's all true.

Will we meet again? When we're all old, will we still think of it? Do you remember to go back to this small house we once shared together? If that day ever comes, I'll kiss you the way I used to, no matter how old you are. If you still want to start our lives all over again in this humble hut, I'll agree. No matter where I am at that time, whether I am rich or poor, whether I have a family or children, I will come! I will tell my family and my children and grandchildren that I had an unforgettable love when I was young, and this love I will never forget! I want to make amends for being kind to them all my life, and they will let me go!

Yang Rui

I still started crying at the end of the book, and I wept and sobbed like a child. I put on paper the despair and fantasies I had been pouring out for so many days, along with my tears. I folded my desperate fantasies and tears into the envelope. The envelope was placed on the bedside table on the side where I usually slept peacefully, and there was no letterhead and payment.

That night, I took a taxi to Liu Minghao's house, and I gave him a set of keys to my house and asked him to keep it. If Anxin comes back to me and can't find it, I think she will come to ask Liu Minghao. Among my friends, only Liu Minghao is familiar with her.

Liu Minghao took the key, smiled, and reminded: "Since you are with Beibei, you can't be in Cao Ying's heart in Han." ”

I don't speak.

Liu Minghao also smiled, and asked again: "Did you say goodbye to your father?" ”

I shook my head and said, "No, I don't want my dad to know that I'm going abroad, he has to go back to this house." That's my nest with Anxin, and I want to keep it. Besides, maybe when Babe gets tired of me, and if I can't stay in the United States, I'll have to come back. ”

Liu Minghao nodded, but said, "Ahem, why do you think so much." ”

I said, "Maybe I've grown up, matured, and nothing is so relentless." When it's good, think about the bad, and when you set out, think about the way out. Women are fickle. ”

Liu Minghao nodded again, but smiled on his lips: "Cough, I see that you are almost nervous, and it is all Anxin's fault." ”

The next day, Liu Minghao drove me to the airport, and when he saw that I was silent on the way, he said a lot of encouraging words: going abroad is a good thing, and learning skills can see the world. Besides, if you really become Beibei's husband, then life will be a step to the sky. Go back to Beibei's industry and find another official and a half-job, you will be powerful in the future, but don't forget to be patriotic, don't forget that there are a bunch of poor buddies who gnaw on the nest here, we also point to you to return to China when the time comes, and send us a little business to do, I will talk about it today, don't forget if you want to come back!

Actually, Liu Minghao didn't know that I went to the United States to forget about everyone.

I wish I could forget everyone!

America is new to me, Beibei's home is new to me, everything here, inside and out, is so strange. This unfamiliar environment really made me forget the past, and the people and things in the past became very distant, but in addition to peace of mind.

I had a hunch early on that coming to the U.S. might be a failure, because I couldn't forget my peace of mind. Although my life in the United States is not similar to my previous life, every detail of my daily life reminds me of peace of mind. The more time passed, the more frantically I wanted to see and touch the things that were stored in the two huts of my house, and my thoughts became extremely painful because I could not find the environment to unfold and the objects of sustenance.

One day, Bei Bei and I were shopping in a Chinese-owned store, and I suddenly saw a familiar CD on the shelf, which was Chen Xiaodong's "Happier Than Me", I immediately bought it, and immediately urged Bei Bei to go home. When I got home, I listened to the song over and over again for a few days, and I couldn't help but wonder about it.

She listened to it, but she couldn't hear why, and she said, "Is this song good?" I think it's ordinary. ”

How does Bei Bei know, this is peace of mind to my wishes. Now to me, to me, as a person who enjoys the food of a mansion in a foreign country, it also sounds like my wish and expectation for peace of mind:

Remember that you are happier than me,

so as not to waste my embarrassment and quit.

Love doesn't have to be sorry to make up for it,

Regardless of whether I want to or not,

Lonely and not lonely,

Don't care,

Please be happier than me!

……

I listened to the song, stood in front of the window, looked at the gloomy sky of Los Angeles, and for the first time I thought, I have to come back!