I am back.

I stood in the cold rain in Nande, I saw the floating clouds swimming in Nanmeng Mountain, I walked into a grocery store near the train station, and I dialed the mobile phone of Lao Pan, the leader of the anti-narcotics brigade.

Pan's phone was turned off.

I haven't been to the anti-narcotics brigade, and I don't know in what direction the courtyard that Anxin often talks about is in.

Half an hour later, I stood in front of the window of the communication room outside the Nande City Public Security Bureau building, handed over my ID card, and asked to see Director Fang of the Political Department of the Public Security Bureau.

The communication room interrogated me for a long time, asking me if I knew Director Fang, and I honestly said that I didn't know him, and I wanted to find someone through him. Fortunately, the people in the communication room agreed to let me into a small petition reception room, and after a while, a person came down from the building and told me that Director Fang was not there, and that he had a meeting and asked me what was the matter. I said I was looking for someone, Director Fang knew, a young lesbian, her name was Anxin.

The visitor asked me to wait, and then went back to the building, and it didn't take long to return to the reception room, and another person came with me. They came into the house and asked me together, asking me what I was doing and how I met Anxin. I said that I was her fiancé, her lover, she ran away from home half a year ago, and I came to find her. They ask you how you can prove that you are a reassuring fiancé. I said that Captain Pan and Captain Wu of the Anti-Narcotics Brigade and some other people knew me, and I was treated here last summer.

The two cadres looked at each other, took me into the building, into a small reception room in the building, told me to wait, and poured me a cup of hot tea. This time I had to wait for a long time, about an hour. An hour later, several people came in from outside the house, and one of them I immediately recognized as the deputy captain of the anti-narcotics brigade, surnamed Wu.

Captain Wu also recognized me at a glance: "Yes, you are Yang Rui." Then he introduced me to another middle-aged man, "This is the head of our political department. ”

I shook hands with Director Fang and Captain Wu. They asked me to sit down, and their solemn and serious appearance gave me hope in my heart, and I think they must have known Anxin's whereabouts, otherwise why would they come out to see me together, they would not have wanted to ask me about her whereabouts.

Director Fang first asked me, "How did you break up last year, and why?" ”

I said, "I don't know why, she left a letter and disappeared." ”

"What does the letter say?"

"She said she couldn't talk to me when her husband was dead and her son was dead, and she said she was responsible for them."

Director Fang and Captain Wu glanced at each other, and both of them were silent for a moment, and after a while, Director Fang spoke, nodded and said:

"Yes, as far as we know, she did have that idea, so she came back to Nande. She hopes to continue to engage in the anti-narcotics work of public security, which she has always loved. ”

My heart, when I heard these words, suddenly relaxed, and I finally found the whereabouts of peace of mind! I smiled and said, "I thought about it, she's here, I've thought about it a long time ago, she's not in her hometown, it's here!" I kept calling Captain Pan and her parents, but they didn't tell me, they all said they didn't know where she went. ”

Captain Wu interjected: "This is according to Comrade Anxin's own request, maybe she doesn't want you to come to her again, maybe she is afraid that it will affect your future life." ”

I was happily silent for a moment and said, "Can you let me meet her?" ”

Captain Wu glanced at Director Fang and didn't speak. Director Fang hesitated for a moment and said, "Comrade Xiao Yang, I know that you are very reassuring, so I believe that you will definitely respect her choice." She returned to the battlefield and chose to fight, and unfortunately, she died heroically in an anti-drug battle last autumn, and the people of Nande City have posthumously recognized her as a revolutionary martyr. We know that you and she have been in a relationship, but we have not found you, so we only informed her parents of the news of Comrade An's death. Her relics, her martyr's pension and martyr's certificate were handed over to her parents in accordance with the relevant regulations......"

Director Fang talked a lot step by step, and I seemed to have only heard the word sacrifice, and I repeatedly discerned the meaning of those two words, and I tried to find out if there were other meanings in those two words. I kept my head down, I covered my eyes with my hands, I didn't want the policemen across from me to see my tears. My legs clenched hard in the chair, trying to control the tremors of crying. My whole mind was empty all at once, and the muscles of my whole body ached deeply from tearing each other, and I pleaded with them in a distorted voice: "No, no, she didn't sacrifice!" I want to see her! You let me see her......"

On the afternoon after this rainy day, they took me to see Anxin. According to the advice of Anxin's parents, Anxin was buried in the Revolutionary Martyrs' Cemetery at the foot of Nanmeng Mountain along with the six anti-narcotics police and armed police soldiers who died in that battle. In front of their tombs, a half-human-high monument was erected, which was engraved in half-literate and half-white language, with an account of that battle and the heroic and fearless feats of these seven martyrs in the face of a vicious enemy, which was concise and to the point. I saw that among the names of the martyrs in order, the second was Anxin. Those two words are engraved with both handsome and vigorous, much like her portrayal. I stroked the words with my hand, and there was still a lingering wetness of the rain on them. I knelt down in front of An An and kissed her name with my hot lips. The name was cold and lifeless.

I didn't want to cry anymore, I didn't want the police behind me to see it, and I didn't want Anxin to see the blood in my heart. How could I have imagined that when I went back to the bar, back to the nightlife of Liu Minghao's gang, when Bei Bei and I had dinner every day and stayed at her restaurant, Anxin was already lying silently here. I believe that in this quiet tomb thousands of miles away from Beijing, she must have heard our laughter, seen our lingering, and she must have cried sadly when she heard this and saw this.

Even though she said: You must be happier than me. But I still knelt down at her grave for a long time, and bowed deeply to her, and I said, "Peace of mind, I'm sorry." ”

All I can say is this one: I'm sorry. I wanted you to be happier than me, to be happier with me, but I couldn't.

I know that you want me to be happy, and you said that I am happier than you, so it is worth your cruelty to yourself! You said it!

On the way back to the city from the cemetery, I asked Captain Wu, who was accompanying me, "Did you leave anything to say before you died with peace of mind?" Does she have a last word? ”

Captain Wu said: "No, they died in an encounter that no one expected beforehand. ”

I was going to ask: Anxin died a miserable death. But I didn't ask.

Captain Wu said: "Our Captain Pan is handling a case in the field, he just called, heard that you are coming, and advised you to mourn." In addition, he also hopes that you can understand Anxin's behavior, her behavior is very noble, and everyone who is familiar with her should be proud of her. ”

By the way, I remembered that Anxin and I had talked about the sublime, and we were still moved by the sublime that was real and not false and contrived. For example, the story of the unsung hero who opened a gas station on the Shaxi Highway as an intelligence base told by Lao Pan to Anxin is still enough to make us admire and revere him. But at that time, we revered heroes but did not intend to emulate them, we did not intend to engage in the great cause of forgetting selfishness, and we did not intend to go into an altar to be "Prometheus" warriors. At that time, we were about to get married, and we were fantasizing about the future worldly happiness, and we preferred and moved the romance and sorrow of "Young Werther". Don't talk about me at that time, I'm afraid I wouldn't even think that a few months after we stayed out of the world and chatted about noble and great sacrifices and dedication, she herself really embarked on such a heroic path.

Although I am not a reassuring relative, and she and I have not yet become a formal husband and wife, the leaders of the Public Security Bureau still let me enjoy the treatment of the bereaved family of the martyrs, and arranged for me to live in the public security guest house for free, and Captain Wu came forward and asked me what I wanted in a formal manner. I said, I don't have any requests, and now that her parents have taken away the relic of Anxin, I want to see the places where she has worked and lived, and where I have often heard her speak. Also, do you know where her parents are now, I want to go and see them, I have not repaid them, I should go and see them.

Captain Wu immediately accompanied me to the anti-narcotics brigade and looked at Anxin's office, the desk she used, and the chair she sat on. She also took me to her bachelor dormitory and saw the stilted building built by the river. The stilted building is still empty and has not yet been allocated to anyone else to live in. I stood in front of the window and looked at the opposite side, and saw the misty Nanmeng River, but I couldn't see the kapok in full swing on the other bank.

Regarding the address of Anxin's parents, Captain Wu said that he did not know either. I asked: Does Captain Pan know? Captain Wu didn't answer, only said: Captain Pan is not here, he is handling the case outside. I can't come back for a while.

I didn't ask again.

I stayed in Nande for two days, and during these two days, I went to the stilted building by myself, to the tea shop on Nanmeng Mountain, to the residential building where Anxin and Tiejun lived last time, and to the hotel that was converted from the Xuanfu Department where Anxin and I stayed together. I went to all the places worth remembering in Nande, not to say goodbye, but to pay my respects. I think I love peace of mind, I will always miss her, these places, I will definitely come back in the future.

Early in the morning of the day I left Nande, I took a bouquet of flowers that I had bought the day before and went to the revolutionary cemetery at the foot of Nanmeng Mountain again. The rain had stopped, but every stone pavement and every tombstone in the cemetery was still wet, like tears that could not dry up in my heart. There was no one in the cemetery, and between the tombstones, the fog of the early morning after the rain was blocked. I searched for a long time before I found the graves of Anxin and the six martyrs. I put the bouquet of flowers in front of the monument and stood silently for a long time. Despite the fact that there was no one around, I held back my tears from flowing from my heart, and I whispered to the tombstone in my heart: Peace of mind, my love, my wife, goodbye.

As soon as the farewell was finished, I seemed to hear a response from the tombstone, as if someone was walking towards me step by step. As I approached, I heard the voice coming from behind me. I looked back, and I saw that behind me, Lao Pan was standing. I don't know why, when I saw Lao Pan, my tears flickered and finally fell.

Lao Pan looked at me, his right hand inserted in his coat was slowly taken out, stretched out in front of my eyes, five fingers loosened, something fell out of his hand, fell into the air and stopped, there were two thin red ropes on the thing, still dangling in Lao Pan's hand.

At the other end of the red rope, there is a jade Guanyin hanging!

Through the fog in the early morning, I saw Guanyin Bodhisattva with a dignified jade face, vague eyebrows, still shiny, and a demeanor.

Lao Pan's voice, through the clear mist, came hoarsely, almost with some heavenly echoes in the quiet cemetery.

"Anxin told me, if you come, give this to you, she says give it to you and you will understand."

I took the jade Guanyin with both hands, and the great compassion of the jade Guanyin made my body and mind feel like an awakening. I kissed the pale green jade, and I said, "I thought she didn't leave a word...... They all said that she had no last words. ”

Lao Pan was silent for a moment, and the cemetery was as quiet as a spiritual realm except for the sound of me swallowing tears. Lao Pan's words are also like the distant hollow valley footnotes, which surround endlessly, like a huge and boundless soundstage, enveloping everything in heaven and earth.

When she left, she said that the only thing she cared about, the only thing she felt sorry for, except for her parents, was you. She said that she only asked this piece of jade to bless you, she asked you not to wait for her, she asked you to live happier than her! ”

My tears hung on my face and no longer flowed. The tears, like my eyes, froze for a long time before I heard the question in my throat.

"Anxin didn't die, did he?"

Lao Pan did not answer.

His failure to answer is already an answer. As if in a dream, I asked, "She's still alive, right?" ”

Lao Pan finally opened his mouth again, he said: "She asked me to tell you that the peace of mind in the past is no longer there, and she asked you not to look for her again." Now she's a different person, someone you don't know. ”

I rushed up and grabbed Lao Pan's clothes, I couldn't tell whether I was excited or angry, I yelled at him: "Where did you get her, and what are you doing with her incognito?" She didn't want to do it! I know she doesn't want to live incognito for the rest of her life! She told me that! Give her back to me! ”

Lao Pan's tall and big body didn't move under my tearing, and he said calmly: "I don't want her to do it either, this is her own will, her determination!" ”

I froze, my hand slowly loosened, I knew that what Lao Pan said was right, Lao Pan never let Anxin approach any danger, he treated her like his own daughter. Peace of mind to be able to leave me and return to the battlefield is obviously determined to sacrifice everything!

Lao Pan gently tidied up the collar that was torn by me, and said in an old voice: "In my life, there are not many people who really admire. ”

He paused and added, "She's one!" ”

I turned, took two steps into the fog without direction, and stood down in a daze. I raised my hand and carefully studied the jade Guanyin in my palm. The image of Jade Guanyin's kindness seems to represent the most ideal motherhood in my mind, representing the grandeur of motherhood and compassion. I know I should be happy that Anxin is alive anyway, that she is doing what she is willing to dedicate herself to, and that she will surely experience happiness in it. We have talked about it before: the kind of person who is truly noble must be filled and filled with great happiness in his heart!

Lao Pan's voice became softer behind me, like a father asking his children, and he asked, "Do you admire her?" ”

I didn't answer, I put the jade Guanyin symbolizing peace of mind around my neck, tucked it into my clothes, and straightened it on my heart. I say:

"Please tell her that I am going back to Beijing. I will always guard our home, I will always be in our home, waiting for her! ”

I wiped tears from my face and walked out of the silent cemetery alone. I went back to the guest house to get my things and went out to the train station. When I went out, an old comrade at the service desk of the guest house stopped me and asked, "Hey, young man, Captain Pan of the anti-narcotics brigade came to you in the morning, did you find it?" ”

I went back to Beijing.

I went back to my old jockey club and worked hard every day, never going clubbing and eating at night. In order to earn a little more money, I also got a job as a tutor. I was frugal, and every month I remitted 1,000 yuan to Lao Pan, the captain of the South German Anti-Drug Brigade, and asked him to forward it to his parents who were at ease. Her parents were apparently transferred to other areas by the police for protection. The police have police rules, and it is inconvenient for them to tell me the place, but Lao Pan promised to transfer my money and heart. If he is Anxin's contact, I think Anxin should also know about these situations, she must know! Because Lao Pan never persuaded me to stop waiting stupidly in the future phone calls with me. Of course, he never told me even the slightest bit of peace of mind. It's their discipline.

All my colleagues, friends, and my father, asked me if I had found a girlfriend again, and I said yes. They all looked surprised and curious, and asked, "Yo, what is it, why didn't you bring it to us to see?" I said, "She's not in Beijing, she's out of town." Of course, they have to get to the bottom of it: In the field? What does she do? I said, "I'm sorry, she's keeping it a secret!"

I think that one day Anxin will let her retire from the organization, as long as she doesn't die, they will one day let her enjoy the stable and peaceful life of ordinary people that she should enjoy, so I have to wait for her!

In addition to going to earn money for that tutoring job twice a week, I came home on time every day after work. When I go to sleep, I always take off the jade Guanyin, which is warmed by body temperature, and place it upright on the empty pillow next to me, symbolizing the peace of mind and sleeping with me. Every day before the lights go out, I never forget to leave the door between the bedroom and the living room open, I am afraid that if I fall asleep, I will not hear the knock in the middle of the night.