I had another quarrel with my mother today. She kept repeating things that I didn't think were important, and told me to do them immediately, right away—yes, I had to do it right away, not in the next minute, the next second. I don't have that on my agenda, so I don't want to go.

"You're still losing your temper, you can't talk about you if you have done something bad, can you?" After that, I didn't want to pay attention to her, I didn't say a word to her for the past few days, I was really angry, as if I was a puppet without my own mind who she told me to do and how to do it, and I had to listen to everything and do everything as she wanted.

"What did you buy again?" "Are you ready to eat?"

- My mom routinely softened first, and then we were all right again.

Actually, I'm a little willful, but I've basically been able to do it without affecting others, and only let my temperament be related to myself.

After I went to college, my demand for self-space and freedom of decision-making became higher, and I sometimes really wanted to tell my mom that there might be some sense of boundary between her and me—communication outside the boundaries and avoidance within the boundaries of independent individuals. But I feel that my mother raised me so much, I have less communication with her, I no longer listen to her, and I no longer want to listen to her more, she just watched her child slowly alienate herself as an adult, and watched her stay away from herself, and I felt that I would be too unconscionable to do that. If I were a mother of a daughter, I would think my daughter was doing too much.

People, with a sense of boundary, you can give each other space well, but no matter how many places you don't ask, the two of them will become estranged. But a small world composed of several people without a sense of boundaries, for a person with his own independent will and his own rhythm, being interfered too much will make him feel that he is not respected.

I wanted my mom to have a sense of involvement in my life, even a little bit of control, to eliminate her insecurities about being a different individual, an individual with her own experiences and seeing things differently than she saw.

But I don't want to be interfered with or controlled in order to be arbitrary and free.

Today's Xiaolai: Today is also a day when the data is not right, the table is too large and the computer freezes from time to time, six out of ten minutes are loading, the mouse suddenly can't move, and it's a day when a data is handed over a little late at night.

In addition, it is the book "Six Lectures on Dostoevsky", and the following are the last 3 sentences from it, because I have read it!

1. "As I get older, I understand more and more how crazy it is to be in the constant pursuit of the future, the powerful power of the coming days, the procrastination of happiness day after day, and the postponement of progress. I finally learned to live in the here and now, but it was too late, I realized that the sun was shining on me right now, as beautiful as it would ever be, and I no longer had to worry endlessly about the future. But, in my youth, I was a victim of that illusion, which for one reason or another was kept in us by nature, so that when we were in the midst of a bright morning in June, we thought of the morning of July, thinking that it would be brighter and brighter. ”

- My eyes were hot when I saw this. Using this passage as a mirror, we begin to realize that as we grow older, we regret the delay in happiness day by day, because then we will notice that we can be so happy "now" and that we can be happy without caring about "the future". So we begin to regret that in the first half of our lives, we only cared about pursuing the tomorrow that we thought we would be happy, and because we lost our sense of the present, and because we lost some people on the way.

I want to shed tears because of the irreparable helplessness in this text, and the awakening to realize this reality - awakening hurts, doesn't it?

On the other hand, I would like to argue that if we feel every day we run and chase and pursue the greater happiness of "tomorrow (or the future)" every day, we should not regret it when we are old. Can running and happiness be all collected?

2. "Dostoevsky worked only at night: 'It was almost midnight, when everything was silent, and Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky was alone with the samovar, and he worked until five or six o'clock in the morning, sipping on cool, not too strong tea'. ”

- Actually, when I was going to graduate school last year, I also had a work and rest, because my revision efficiency during the day was not high. I also often work late at night or read books in a daze, and before I know it, I feel as if I have surrendered myself to the night.

But Mr. Dostoevsky's remark gives me one more excuse to stay up late.

Also, the name of the gentleman is really long.

3. "All around us, there are only snow, storms, and the borders of Europe; Ahead of us lies Siberia and the mysterious future; Behind us is our entire past. It's heartbreaking. I cried. ”

- "Behind us is all our past. "Imagining the scene of my husband's exile, I was shaken by this sentence, and I also felt sad.

2020.2.21