I thought that Mr. had more than one diary, but today I opened the diary with only half a content again, and after reading it, I understood why Mr.'s diary did not continue, and why there was never a trace of his comrades-in-arms among his friends.

July 20, 1972

Grim scenes, sad scenes

The illness finally brought me into another world - a cold scene, a sad scene, and the most uncomfortable thing that made me feel finally befell me.

The sickness kept the comrades around me away, and what a blow it was for a revolutionary. How many of my close comrades and comrades-in-arms have become strangers today.

What a happy and proud thing it is for a "good person" to see his comrades and close comrades-in-arms and to be able to get in touch without barriers. And now this scene is so cold, how sad, who can blame it? Do you blame yourself? It's not a disease I voluntarily get. Blame comrades? It's not even more deserved, it's entirely for my sake.

My comrades-in-arms felt sorry for me and said that I didn't deserve such a disease. Is there any way I can get out of this difficult scene and situation? There is no way but to torture it and let it adapt.

December 16, 1972

How to revolution, how to live

Because of my own volition, I was discharged from the hospital for a while, always thinking that I would not relapse, and that I would never enter this gloomy hospital that killed my time again. At this time, my heart was so happy, because a revolutionary fighter was able to do everything he could without restraint and participated in all the tasks he could accomplish, and I happily participated in the organization of the division's communications training team.

And for those who are killed, the good times always do not last long.

Who could believe that a revolutionary fighter could encounter insurmountable difficulties and be unable to admit the corrected mistake - physical illness. You can only adapt to it and succumb to it. Make the work you have to do, the position you want to be; The way of life, the character of thought, the change of character, make it meet its needs. Otherwise, you will be completely destroyed and destroyed, and in fact I have become such a person.

When the doctor said I had hepatitis, I tried not to admit it, to overcome it, or even to ignore it, but it was in vain. You want to achieve a real life and a revolution that always haunts you and ends up making you a chronic hepatitis sufferer, will be on the verge of death and will not be able to, can only succumb to it.

Now that I'm back in the gloomy environment of the hospital, I'll have to figure out how to adapt to it. I have to execute to the letter, forever, for a lifetime.

How I want to live a healthy life, I am still young and have not yet fulfilled my lofty ideals. But what should I do if the abominable disease is depriving me of this right all the time? What to do?

In the past few days, I have read a novel from the years of the Soviet Revolution ""Real Man, the protagonist of the novel lost his legs because of the war, he is very pessimistic.

Can he still be a pilot, will his fiancée not want him, will his mother be uncomfortable, will the party and the people trust him, and can he still become a real person...... It is the great ideal and loyalty to the party and the people, he overcame all difficulties with his iron tenacious will, and re-flew to the top and bottom immortal feats.

After reading this novel, I was very excited. I would love to be like him and be a real person. However, he has lost both feet and is still physically strong, can I do it?

I can't be tired, I can only eat, drink, lie down and sleep, people call it "the disease of wealth", and they all say that I can only be comfortable with this disease.

How to revolution, how to live?...... What an uncomfortable feeling......

This is the second time I have been hospitalized, and in the infectious disease department of 368 Hospital, I still deal with beds, medicines, and doctors all day long. No fun, the occasional laugh, is also temporary, superficial.

Facts have taught me that science is science after all, and it cannot be false. It's hepatitis is hepatitis, you can only admit it, you can only treat it honestly, and you can't deceive it. This time, I made up my mind that I would recuperate with peace of mind until I was cured.

I desperately hoped that my illness would be cured completely, and then I would happily go to work, so that I could make a real revolution, a real life, forever, forever.

4 December 1973

Genius fool - expose yourself

…… I'm a fool of total genius, and I have a name, and of course there must be a thing.

From getting hepatitis in the army, to being unwilling to admit the existence of this objective thing, but saying that it was other diseases, and wanting to continue to stay in the team. But how can this be tampered with? I wanted to show my genius arrangement, but I just suffered a big loss.

Because he did not admit that he had hepatitis in time, he delayed again and again, and ended up becoming a "chronic hepatitis patient". Greatly ruined himself, this is the performance of a fool.

But it's not that I'm stupid and don't admit things as they are, but out of my own consciousness, I take it for granted that I've become a genius fool.

Am I true on this issue, and am I doing the same on other issues?

Note!!! Be vigilant, this is an unforgettable bloody lesson in your life! Facts must not be evaded, and consciousness must never become facts.

Be a believer in materialism, never be a miserable person of idealism.

Seeing this, I couldn't cry, "Husband, it turns out that you have missed it once, and you have obviously warned yourself to remember the lesson of blood, but why did you forget everything at a critical moment?"

Looking back on the experience of fighting cancer for more than a year, it is not difficult to see that due to the personality of his husband, he ended his life early.

Young fashion has physical capital, and it's just hepatitis; In his later years, he transformed into liver cancer with portal vein cancer thrombosis, which required a long process, in which the husband's living habits and unsatisfactory marriage were the first time; In particular, he was not spared the hepatitis A epidemic in Shanghai, which undoubtedly added to his already unhealthy liver.

Maybe it's because time has passed, and he has forgotten the unforgettable experience of his youth; Maybe it's because I have the consciousness of "taking it for granted" back then, and I have relaxed my discipline......

In the last days, I wonder if my husband recalls the "pain" of the past, whether he regrets that he did not learn the lesson of the original blood and repeats the mistakes of the past?......

May 3, 1973

The moment to take off the badge and remove the badge

In pain, I took off my bright red cockade and collar badge, and I had to endure it myself.

Looking back on the moment when I first joined the army, how happy and heroic I was, from an ordinary worker to a glorious revolutionary soldier.

Today I reply to the original me......

It's not that I don't want to be a worker, it's not that I don't want to change...... Why is it uncomfortable? Maybe it's also because of the mood.

I love the high duty of a soldier, I love the combat life of the army. I, my ambition is full, my ambition has already been set.

Am I incompetent today? Was it the beginning of my complete failure? I think that this is not the case, in order to leave such a mood, in order to encourage my ambition and confidence, I give the word:

Mind

69. April Moon

Five-star head flash

Collar badges are hung on both sides

Happiness is in your heart

*

Four years of military strides

The battle was never lost

The red flag is bright

Be ambitious

*

73.May 3

Take off the cockade in pain

Tearful removal of the military medal

Grief squeezes the chest

*

At this moment, the heart is calling

Pride sprouts

How can you return the old clothes?

Qi Zhi is open-minded

*

The party industry will always be loyal

The revolution is brave

The spirit is stronger

Ambition is now happy

I closed Mr.'s diary with tears in my eyes, and all my doubts seemed to be answered.

At the age of twenty-three, because he refused to face the reality, concealed his condition, delayed treatment, and became a "chronic hepatitis" patient. The lesson of blood made him repeatedly warn himself to pay attention, and even gave an exclamation mark.

As the saying goes, "the country is easy to change, but the temperament is difficult to change", although he later paid great attention to health, but unfortunately, in his later years, he still made the same mistake.

The gentleman put the diary in a prominent place, perhaps so that I could see and understand his unspeakable past and his helplessness to hide his illness.

If, as my uncle said, because he met me, he was finally happy for eight years, then what is my grievance? At least in his life, there has been career success, and he has finally reaped the fruits of love.

Although we have had bumps and bumps due to different living habits, as Mr. said, we are still mostly happy.

Although he left the army, the barracks there became a place that Mr. had dreamed of for the rest of his life.

He always wiped a pair of military leather shoes clean, and he was only willing to wear them on important occasions. When the sub-district office where his hukou was located called him to receive the bronze medal of the "House of Glory", he was so excited that he couldn't sleep the night before he left......

Nowadays, every time I see the bronze plaque of "House of Glory" that my husband personally pasted on the door, I seem to see his satisfied smile.

I seemed to be waiting for him to come home and press the sound of the electric bell, and as if I was waiting for the words "Wife, I haven't done enough to be a partner with you" on his WeChat......