Life suddenly changed and I haven't fully come out of it. The state of these days is very poor, and I always have a bad night's sleep at night, which is always accompanied by insomnia. I used to have insomnia a lot, but I could always restrain myself and didn't have the experience of not sleeping all night. But now I don't dare to go to bed early, I am afraid of the helplessness and panic when I wake up early. In my opinion, waking up early is also a type of insomnia, and looking out the window at the dark night sky about to wake up, the experience at this time is not much better than going to bed late. It starts with a girl I like, let's call her AH. The originally peaceful and unremarkable life rippled that day, like a calm and windless lake, her appearance was like a breeze blowing, soft and warm and somewhat unreal, like a dream, short but a thousand turns. In the depths of my heart, thousands of layers of turbulent waves were stirred.

I am a person who is extremely desolate at heart, although I am in the middle of the city, I am not integrated into it, in fact, I am the person who lives on the edge of the city. Habits of all that can include loneliness, the most afraid of the warmth and care of others. Some experiences may be the first time to be so memorable. The taste of missing a person is itchy and empty, and I always feel that something is missing. Like someone, sometimes it can only be a person's business, love or not love can only be decided by yourself, I know it's just wishful thinking. I just like you, it's nothing to do with you. Thinking of you is an illusion that I insist on. You said something that allowed me to find some direction in my life and that I could stick to, and I remembered words. I've always loved writing, but many times I write a few words that are self-righteous, thinking that life is not easy, and no one has the time to read and listen. So I discarded my preferences, and I probably haven't written for almost a year, and even if I travel to the place of my dreams, I don't bother to write a long story about my travelogue. Now that I have regained my preferences and started writing, it is inevitable that I will be a little incoherent and unable to write, so I can write whatever comes to mind.

I just don't understand why you give me hope so many times when you don't feel for me, you don't like me, you know what, you give me a lot of first experiences, these experiences are precious and fleeting and unreal, so I can't help myself. When you say you're coming to my house, I'm excited to wait for you to show up every day. You said you like braised pork, I tried to do it for the first time while watching Douyin, although I failed, I was very satisfied, I had a sense of accomplishment, and I felt the contentment of being in my need. I knew she might be lying to me, but I chose to believe it anyway. Maybe liking someone will make you humble, and you will believe everything she says without hesitation. I am a person with a good memory, and it is easy to sink into the memories of the past, so I dare not try to have it easily, and I am most afraid that the light I am used to will return to darkness one day, like a flash in the pan, and I desperately want to swim back to the shore as if I had grasped a life-saving straw. However, the disappointment came too early, before I had time to like it, or it ended before it even started. That kind of hysterical isolation is enough to break a person's will. I think I'm a person who is indifferent and not easy to be emotional, but if you want to delete WeChat and other ways, I'm very flustered, I will think of you, and I want to add your friends, in fact, I don't miss you, I just want to tell you that I didn't let you go, at least not now.

Without your life, I started writing novels, with a lot of pictures and a lot of inspiration, and I want to give you all the manuscript fees...... Listening to Jay's songs, writing about his feelings. You said that I promised to go to bed early, so that you might read what I wrote. In fact, even if you don't look at me, I will keep writing down, in the form of a diary, what happens every day, what I really think in my heart, and how much I miss you every day. You said that you need to be positive and cheerful, and find some joy and sustenance in life, I understand it as a kind of hope. Thinking that you may see one day, these words are all my inner monologue, lonely for a long time addicted to not sharing and listening to others. Writing it may release your own inhibitions. Actually, I've been thinking about what to call my serial. For example, the XX day of self-love, the XX day of missing you, the XX day of trying to forget you, etc., in the end, I still named it "Early Sleep Diary", recording the occurrence of daily life, the inner activities when I like you, the feelings when I miss you, and the subtle and indescribable thoughts. Strive to go to bed before 10 p.m., away from mobile phones, away from pads, and away from all distractions. The rest of the time is spent thinking about it, and the words you want to say are put into the keyboard and fixed in the early bedtime diary, distracted when you think about you, thinking about every word you say, your crying and laughing. Life is full of positive energy and motivation in an instant, and even going to bed early has become necessary but commonplace.

Today, I couldn't help but call your office, in fact, I just wanted to hear your voice. I didn't dare to speak loudly, for fear of affecting your reading. I admire you for living with clear goals and positivity, which is what I lack, the more I understand your experience, the more I can't let go, the more curious, the more I like it, the more I want to understand, if you are a book, I think it should be a book without an ending, every page is not abrupt to read, it is full of excitement, and it haunts me. This kind of liking gives me motivation, makes my heart beat again after a long silence, and makes me have desires, I used to think that I would not like anyone, and I have given up on myself. Your appearance proves that I am also a whole person, and I also have thoughts and impulses to like someone. Although liking may have nothing to do with you, some selfishness and self-righteousness, giving you a burden and pressure, but I am so obsessed that I can't give up, and suddenly I feel that it's good to be alive, which may be the meaning of life.

Finally, I attach a few words I wrote last night, which should be regarded as the preface I wrote for my early bedtime diary:

Forgetting someone starts with forgetting her face, I feel your face gradually blurring in the depths of my memory, I just remember how helpless you looked when you cried. But some memories seem to be so ingrained in hysteria that you may never forget them for the rest of your life. For example, the temperature of your fingers and palms, I'm afraid that when I watch the film in the future, I will fantasize about you, and remember the feeling of watching the film with a girl for the first time. I have a really good memory, I know it will take time. This feeling is like a calm water surface, and the sudden ripples stir in the bottom of my heart for a long time 😐. I know that these memories and feelings are real, but maybe only once is the memory so deep. Not daring to try anything anymore gives you the burden and pressure is enough to make me blame myself for being lost, I am too selfish and self-righteous, and I am too poor in control. Time is the medicine, and I can always heal. It's just that pain is inevitable, so let's bear it silently and grow up slowly. That's all for remembering, the heart is as peaceful as ever, good night yourself!

Good night, yourself, good night favorite person!

Tomorrow night, we will continue to update "Early Bedtime Diary (1)"