The dream came to an abrupt end, and I woke up with my pillow soaked, and I don't know if it was sweat or tears left on my face.

My mom was with me at the bedside, and when she saw me wake up, she asked me what was wrong?

I looked at her red and swollen eyes and felt another pain in my heart, I had so many heartaches these days.

I smiled at her and shook my head, barely trying to make myself look calmer, and asked her, "Mom, are you okay?" ……。 "I wanted to say that I was sorry for her, but I couldn't.

My mom laughed too, though also very reluctantly, and she told me that she just didn't sleep well and that she just had a good night's sleep. She avoided my grandfather's topic and said to me, "Xiaoli, you're hungry, you wait for your mother for a while, and your mother will bring the food in." ”

After my mother went out, Lao Cai was still in the room, and he didn't mention anything about my grandfather, he didn't even say a word, he handed me a bowl of water, sat on the edge of the bed and watched me finish drinking. I handed the bowl back to him, and he quickly lowered his head again, not daring to look at me.

Lao Cai is afraid that saying the wrong thing will stimulate me! I blame fate, blame my uncle, blame myself, but I can't blame Lao Cai's head, this matter has nothing to do with him at all, Lao Cai has lost weight, and he probably hasn't slept well these days.

I smiled and took the initiative to ask him, "Lao Cai, where is your master?" ”

He ...... He went out ....... ”

Lao Cai's body shook when he heard me speak, and his answer was also hesitant. I suddenly realized something and hurriedly asked him, "How long have I been asleep?" ”

"Six days ......."

Six days, I was stunned for a moment, so today is the day of my grandfather's funeral, I hurriedly turned over and got out of bed, Lao Cai hurriedly supported my swaying body, he knew what I wanted to do, he said to me: "Don't go to Xiaoli, they set off in the morning, you better take care of your body first, and ......." Lao Cai paused for a moment, and finally said the taboo word: "And your grandfather must not want to see you like this, he hopes that you will be well." ”

"Why didn't you wake me up, why did you ......?" My tears came down again, and they kept flowing down my cheeks, and the pent-up anger in my chest finally exploded, and I pointed at Lao Cai's nose and yelled at him.

Lao Cai's eyes were also a little red, he looked directly at me and didn't speak, just pulled my arm for a long time.

I wanted to give my grandfather a ride and carry his coffin with my own hands, but it was too late. I sat down on the bed in a gloomy state, tears streaming silently, and I couldn't stop it.

At this time, my mother came into the house with food, and she didn't say anything when she saw me crying, but said let's eat first, I haven't eaten these days, and I must be hungry.

I lowered my head to wipe the tears from my face, and when I looked up, I put a smile on my face again, I don't know how much this forced smile can make people believe, but I really don't want my mom to worry about me anymore, she's having a hard time these days.

I said to her, "Okay Mom, you can put it first, and I'll eat it right away." ”

My mom had a seven-trick heart, and she knew what to do when to do, so she didn't force me, but just told me that I must remember to eat, and she walked out after I nodded.

"I'm sorry Lao Cai...... I'm ......, you can go out too, I want to be alone. ”

Lao Cai turned around and walked out the door, and before closing the door, he glanced at me and said to me, "We don't need these three words between us, you have a good rest." ”

Lao Cai can't comfort me, in fact, no one can comfort me, but Lao Cai knows that letting me stay alone for a while at this time is the best comfort for me.

The room was silent all of a sudden, and I sat on the bed like a thoughtless walking corpse, and I didn't know what was going on in my mind when I was alone, but the tears flowed uncontrollably.

The person who killed my grandfather in the dream was me, yes, I killed my grandfather, if it wasn't for my damn carelessness, why would my grandfather pay with his life for this? What's the hell, that's all, and after all, it wasn't because of my own stupidity that killed my grandfather.

I hate myself so much, but I can't go back.

I suddenly felt so tired and wanted to sleep, so I rolled over and got into bed, pulled the quilt over my head, and fell asleep again.

I slept until noon the next day, when the sun was shining through the window. During this period, Lao Cai didn't wake me up, and my mother didn't bother me, only the food on the bedside was still steaming, proving that she had come in not long ago.

I remember two years ago when I knew I wouldn't be twenty years old, but I'm undoubtedly much more depressed now than I was then.

Depression is not a derogatory term, in my opinion, it is an unavoidable hurdle in life, and no one wants to be depressed if it is not for the inability to do anything.

But I still have family! My grandfather paid with his life for me, because because of me, he was forever lost in the way back to his soul, and it was more terrible than death. Now I still have my parents, and Lao Cai, they are all people who care about me, can I bear to see them worry about me again?

I looked at the food at the bedside and finally slowly picked up the chopsticks.

……。

I took the dishes and chopsticks out, and my mother looked at me and finally smiled, and she smiled very happily, she took the dishes and chopsticks in my hand and said to me, "Go out for a walk, it's not good for your health to always lie down." ”

The more intimate people are, the more they can't say the fleshy words, and I smiled at her and nodded.

I'm going to see my grandfather, it's Lao Cai who went with me, the sloppy old man has gone back, and when he left, he said that he was a lonely person, and it was not appropriate to stay for a long time, and then sighed and muttered: Now I am alone alone. His eyes are also very red and swollen, and he and my grandfather have a deep relationship, they have been old friends for decades, and even the New Year has been spent together. My grandfather's departure was also a big blow to him.

I wiped the tears off my face and said to him, "Grandpa Lin, you still have me and Lao Cai, we will accompany you in the New Year in the future." ”

The sloppy old man waved his hand behind our backs and walked away without looking back.

My grandfather's grave is not far away, about a kilometer or two away from my house, and Lao Cai and I arrived there in the afternoon.

Standing in front of my grandfather's tombstone, I took out a cigarette from my pocket, handed one to Lao Cai, and then took out my grandfather's cigarette stick and put one, and smoked it with a cigarette stick like my grandfather.

Lao Cai didn't speak, he stood quietly next to me. I didn't speak, and though I had a lot of things I wanted to say to my grandfather, he couldn't hear them anymore, not really anymore.

Thinking of this, my tears flowed down again, but I didn't cry out loud, the person who had always protected me like a child was no longer there, he exchanged his life for my life, from today on, I am no longer a child, I am a real adult, the world of adults allows tears, but not crying.

I asked Lao Cai to go back first, I wanted to accompany my grandfather alone, Lao Cai nodded lightly when he heard this.

I stood there alone, took out another cigarette and lit it on the stick, and then placed it in front of my grandfather's tombstone, and I knelt down and kowtowed deeply, but this knock did not lift up for a long time.

The tears could not be stopped any longer, and they fell to the ground one by one.

Grandpa, now it's just me and you, let me finally be a child in front of you and cry unscrupulously, okay?

Grandpa, I really want you to come back to life, I really want you to hit me with the cigarette stick in your hand again, I really want to listen to you talk .......

……。

I cried very presumptuously, like back to when I was a child, the cry spread far and wide, I shed a lot of tears these days, but I never cried out loud, and today, I don't want to be a bullshit adult anymore, I want to be a child, always be a child.

I fell to my knees, my head never off the ground, tears and saliva wetting the ground below.

Later, after the sun set, Lao Cai came, he woke me up and helped me up from the ground, I don't know if I fell asleep or fainted later, it was already dark after Lao Cai helped me up.

Lao Cai said it was time to go back to dinner, I nodded to him, picked up the cigarette stick on the ground, and walked back with him with a hobbling step. I felt that my legs and feet were a little fluttering, and I couldn't control the shaking when I walked, and Lao Cai hurriedly hugged me again.

When I got home, my mom had already cooked and she was waiting for me to eat.

"Mom, where's my dad?". I found out that my dad wasn't home, so I asked my mom.

"He's out for something, just got out."

My mom handed me a bowl of rice and said to me as she turned to get her chopsticks.

I sighed, but I had some complaints about my dad in my heart, what I saw the most these days is my mother, although my grandfather's future needs him to work, but it won't be a little time to care about me, right? It's nothing, and now? My grandfather's funeral has just been done, and he disappeared without a sound, even if my grandfather has basically not met him over the years, and he has not made a few phone calls, but it is my grandfather, is his affection for my grandfather so weak?

I took a bite of food into my mouth and asked my mom, "Mom, do you know where my dad went?" ”

My mom shook her head and said she didn't know.

After a hurried meal, I went out, and Lao Cai unsurprisingly followed me.

My dad has a habit of going to the neighbor's house at night, and although I don't know what he has to talk to with the neighbors who are also working outside the home, I know that he has this habit every year during the Chinese New Year.

Lao Cai and I searched around several neighbors' houses that my dad used to go to but found no trace of him, and it suddenly occurred to me that it was August, and those neighbors who had gone out to work had not returned, so my dad probably wouldn't have gone to the door. So where will he go?

I went to my grandfather's grave again, where I finally saw my father, Lao Cai and I stood in the distance and looked at him, only to see my father standing in front of my grandfather's grave, just standing there and not speaking, just seeing him from a distance as if wiping tears.

Lao Cai said to me: "Do you know Xiaoli, Uncle Chu has been very happy these days, I greeted him and he responded to me with a smile, but his eyes have always been red and swollen, one day in the middle of the night I went to see you and found that Uncle Chu pushed open your grandfather's coffin and cried there alone. ”

Seeing this scene, I also cried when I heard Lao Cai's words again, I pulled Lao Cai and quietly went home, in front of outsiders, even in front of everyone except myself, there can be no tears in the world of men, my dad is a man, the man who supports our family and stands up to the sky ....... Degree of literature