Xiao Xia, my mother was a little hesitant in her heart, I don't know if it is appropriate to describe such negative emotions to you so bluntly. Mom never wanted to be your role model, and Mom didn't want to maintain a perfect image in front of you, on the contrary, Mom knows that she doesn't have many opportunities to communicate directly with you, so she wants to show you her truest side, so that you know that in fact, everyone's life has small happy moments and all kinds of unsatisfactory, as well as everywhere, strange ideas. If you have experienced something similar to what your mother has experienced, please be considerate and understanding of yourself on behalf of your mother.

In fact, Mom believes that your life will be very different from Mom's life, and your life path and personality will be very different from Mom's, so you will probably not encounter the situation that Mom is facing at the moment. But mom still wants to be able to share with you what a real mom looks like, as well as a real life experience.

The negativity that Mom just talked about has actually reached a very bad point. My mother's mental state was very poor, and it began to affect my mother's physical health. Every time my mother wanted to open a door, she would stop for a few seconds, trying to control the pain in her heart. Any door, when mom is about to push it open, is terrified of the scene and life itself that is about to be faced. Mom also has no control over her own rulers and no ability to judge how good things really are. Is it really that difficult? Is it really that sad? These are all questions that Mom can't answer, from people outside Mom's game.

When mom thinks of dad, she suffers, and that pain, as if it's a kind of anger, as if it's a kind of regret, it's very vague, it's not very clear. Recently, my mother has almost had to look up some specific examples in her mind to make the extremely unknown pain clearer. But this kind of effort, my mother is more and more unwilling to do it. So when I think of your father, I will only raise a mist of pain around me, but my mother no longer wants to analyze the truth.

Mom and grandpa will also be in pain when they are together, and they have reached a situation where they can't help themselves as long as they encounter them. Thinking of all the confusion and pressure in the past, present and future, my mother was so depressed that she couldn't breathe. This feeling is like suddenly swallowing a big and bitter medicine, like a fish in the throat, and the base of the tongue is still full of pain. Grandma's disgust with her mother and grandpa's solipsism made her angry and despised, and at the same time she had no place to hide and no place to hide. This kind of pain is so serious that when my mother is by my grandfather's side, whether it is physical or mental, she can't get along with herself, stand or sit, and feel wrong, and talking happily or indifferently and sadly is also wrong, and my mother can never find the right direction. Mom's current situation is really bad.

The people who used to be closest to me had no way to rely on and understand my mother. Mom herself chose to isolate herself. Mom prefers to be alone, swaying forward.

A while ago, coming to work every day, solving problems in the company, and cooperating with colleagues were my mother's favorite things to do. One of the reasons may be that work-related specific topics and the regularity of working hours can take mom away from a bit of a derailed life. But now, the dark clouds above my mother's head are gradually enveloping here, and my mother doesn't seem to be happy here. Today, for the first time, when my mother pushed open the office door, she would pause and try to dodge. The feeling of not being able to breathe, I chased and chased and chased, and finally chased to the place where my mother worked.

It's been quite a long time, and wherever my mother goes, she walks in the hope that she can faint. The feeling of fainting suddenly, and finally not having to insist, made my mother yearn for it more and more.

Now, walking through the big factory, my mother feels the softness of the soles of her shoes and secretly enjoys the tenderness of comfortable shoes, while fantasizing about how nice it would be if she could faint now. So my mother fell into the fantasy of fainting in the rumbling sound of the machine. Mom suddenly collapsed, maybe everything could be changed. Time suddenly pulled out of my head, and the world threw my mother and turned forward for an hour, two hours, three hours. In fantasy, mom embarks on a short journey.

When I woke up, I was in the infirmary near the factory gate. When I first opened my eyes, I felt that my breathing was so comfortable, as if I hadn't breathed for a long time, I couldn't help but take a few deep breaths, and even choked on the air. I am inexplicably familiar with this infirmary, but I haven't been here a few times. No one was around. Xiao Xia, in this fantasy of her mother, from the moment she woke up, her mother forgot what happened before, and she also forgot a lot of people who suddenly appeared in her life during this time.

There was a mobile phone next to the bed, and I used it to send a message to my father, but I found that the name was not saved, and the reminder was also silent. After the message was sent, I sat on the edge of my bed, my mind blank. I felt like a shell, filled with clouds. But the hollow shell is extremely thick, and it feels like it's overwhelmed just by looking up. No one responded to the messages that were sent.

Mom opened the door to the lounge, and it was the door to the infirmary. The doors were wide open, and the sunlight outside was almost imperceptible, and it felt as if it was noon, or maybe afternoon. In the past, there was always a nurse at the reception place at the door, and everyone was asked to register their work card number and contact information, but today, there is no one there. Mom glanced into the hallway and the surgeon, the hallway was dark, there was no light at the end, and the waiting chair was long until it reached the end of the dark hallway. The door to the surgeon is open, and in the trash can at the door, the plastic bag looks like it has just been replaced. Quiet everywhere. Mom wanted to scream, but she didn't. Walk out of the lounge and head straight to the door.

Out of the infirmary, the smoking booth next to it was unusual, and there was no one. It was even a little dark, and there was a mild earthy color everywhere. The office building stands in front of you, and the reflective glass windows are mostly closed, reflecting a blurred reflection. Each floor has several open window openings, and the inside is pitch black.

Mom walked to the office building, past the unit where she worked, and went straight to the end of Dad's work. It was very quiet, there was not a hint of wind, and you could hear the slight sound of shoes on the ground. Even when you breathe, you can hear the ups and downs of your lungs.

As soon as I entered the building, I suddenly felt that it was much brighter, and the light was shining in through the glass windows from the outside, and the lights were not turned on in the building. Dad works on the second floor. Mom didn't take the elevator and went up the spiral staircase. The steps of the stairs were so narrow that my mother's feet couldn't be full, and her heels were always hanging in the air, and it was like climbing a rock to walk one step at a time.

There was no sound at all when I went up the stairs, and the more I walked, the darker it became. At the end of the spiral staircase is the second floor, and each step feels like stepping into the second floor, but after walking for a long time, by the time you reach the second floor, it is already completely dark.

Walking into the hallway, Dad worked in the middle of the hallway, about two-thirds of the way through. It was dark and I couldn't see my fingers. There were no lights on in the hallway. Although it was quiet, my mother could hear the sound of the machine in the distance. It feels like no one is still in the company.

Mom touches the sensor light switch on the wall of the hallway. When I designed the company, my mother was involved in everything from the spiral staircase to the window opening of the men's and women's toilets, to the sensor light switch. You can find it in the dark. I pressed it a few times, but there was no light. But Mom has adapted to the darkness of the hallway. The office is separated from the corridor by a glass wall, and after the eyes get used to it, you can faintly see the neat work blocks in the glass wall.

Mom stood still and looked around, and there were dark shadows everywhere. It's so late, how can anyone still be working. was about to leave, but there was a small, and then more and more clear laughter came. It's Dad and his subordinates, the very young and lovely aunt. Mom later learned that Dad liked her so much that he gave up on Mom. They were still working, as if they had imagined it when their mom first came over.

Mom walked deeper into the hallway, and the more she walked, the clearer the conversation and laughter became. Mom heard Dad speak in a different tone than usual, and Mom remembered that before he was with Mom, Dad also talked to Mom like this. It was a slightly shy tone, different from the tone that my mother was familiar with and had always been very determined.

That aunt's voice and tone are the same as usual, it is a very young and immature voice, and it is even a bit similar to Xiao Xia's voice. When I speak, there will be a pause between mmmm When Mom first met her, she was like this all the time, and she was like this when she was in meetings, just like a little child who didn't grow up.

They talked a little about work, a little bit of joking, but the more they talked, the more serious they became, and gradually their voices became quieter, and there was no laughter at all. Mom got closer and closer, and she heard everything they said clearly. The aunt talked about the separation between her husband and her husband, and the pressure from the family was very high, hoping that they would end their life in the two places soon, and the two of them should work in the same city. Her husband has big ambitions, but he is stuck in a small company, with no end in sight along the way, feeling that the future is bleak, and he has been struggling. Although my aunt likes her current job, she is happy with her team members every day, and her father takes good care of her, but she still considers changing her job and moving to her husband's city to fulfill her parents' wishes.

Dad is the direct leader of this aunt, he has trained her all the way from a newly graduated student to the present, and Dad has put a lot of effort into making her aunt take charge of herself. He heard that his aunt might be leaving the company to reunite with her husband, and he was silent for a while. The entire hallway fell silent. When Dad didn't speak, Mom stopped until he started talking again.

Dad said that he wanted to find a job for his aunt's husband in this factory, but in fact, the job here is stable and the team is active, which is a good choice to settle down. If you have children in the future, the company's welfare is good, and there are no worries, it is better to work for a few more years to stabilize the family and children before changing jobs. Mom even nodded when she heard Dad say this. Yes, working here, everyone can take care of each other, and this aunt bought a house with the help of her father. Over the years, my colleagues and friends have become familiar with the environment.

But the aunt hesitated for a long time and did not speak. Later, she said that in fact, she didn't want to leave, but she and her husband have been like this, not a way, and their relationship is not very good.

Dad was silent again. By this time, Mom had already walked into the depths of the corridor, and Dad and the petite aunt could be faintly seen through the glass. Strangely, there was no workbench in the block where they worked, but a double bed, the same as in a high-end hotel. Dad sat on the edge of the bed, and Auntie sat on the couch next to her. In the location of the glass windows on the exterior wall of the company, there are also two bedside lamps that can only be found in high-end hotels. The dusky color softens the faces of my father and aunt, and there is a faint atmosphere of sadness. Mom stood behind the glass wall, a little hesitant to go in.

Suddenly, the aunt stood up and told her father that she was going back. Dad bowed down, buried his head, was silent for a while, then raised his head and said to Auntie, can I hold you? Auntie's eyes were shining, looking through the glass wall, like two black glass beads, black and black, but very shiny. She nodded.

Dad walked over and took her into his arms. Time in the whole world slowed down, almost stopped. Mom felt as if the sky had dawned and darkened again, and time had only returned to calm. Dad lifted his head buried in his aunt's shoulder, turned his face, and kissed her.

Mom turned around and walked down the spiral staircase from the end of the hallway. On the walls on both sides of the corridor, there are sun-dappled shadows, just like in a train, and the shadows on both sides of the walls whirring and jumping past. The rumbling of machines in the factory was deafening. The carpet in the hallway pounded on Mom's shoes like flints. At the end of the hallway, in the direction of the spiral staircase, the sun was a little dazzling, and the heat wave of sunlight rushed through the hole at the end. There seemed to be a human voice on the twitter, and a little further up, there was a noise like drilling. Mom heard Dad say again, Can I hold you? The voice was so loud and clear, and my mother turned her head violently.

It was pitch black, and my mother could only see the faint glow of the hotel bedside lamp, which was shaky and painted on the other side of the corridor. There was no sound, no sound on the carpet, and my mother seemed to be walking in the air.

Mom went to touch the hallway light again. I couldn't touch it this time, it should be the place before, but I couldn't find it anymore. At this time, he was paranoid and obsessed, and he must find it, so he scribbled with his arm on the wall like a dance. There must be, there was before. Mom opened her arms and drew faster and faster, and the more she drew her arms, the more she stretched them. Suddenly, with a crisp and pleasant sound, my mother's left hand, palm and arm were cut by a sharp stainless steel window frame. In the darkness, the body even felt a hint of sweet drunkenness.

Mom stopped figuring the switch. Because with that crisp cutting sound, the faint yellow light was turned off. Mom was total, alone, floating in the dark.