Xiao Xia, Mom went out for a run today, as if swallowed by loneliness. The feeling of longing to be loved and longed for by others completely occupied my mother's thoughts.

Mom hasn't thought about it for so many years, and the childish fantasy that she only had when she was young suddenly appeared today. I hope someone will meet me unexpectedly, or come specifically for me. He could suddenly tap me on the shoulder and come up to me to talk. Mom also hoped that he could find out that this seemingly calm, walking on the road, was secretly crying.

Such a childish beginning, I don't know if Xiao Xia will scoff at it after you see it, and if my mother herself sees it again in just a few days, she will be shy and embarrassed and dare not look back. However, today's mother hopes that the plot on TV can happen to her.

I thought of a line I had heard before, whoever comes to me now, I will marry whomever I want. Whoever comforts me when I am most vulnerable, it is. My mother loved giraffes when she was in high school, and she said at the time that if someone sent them to me without reminding me, I would marry him.

And yet none of this, none of that, nothing. When you are naïve, and you are young, you don't have it yet. Now, no. None of them have been.

From time to time, I felt depressed and unbearable, and from time to time I felt childish and unbearable, and my mother cried for a while, ran for a while, and passed two hours intermittently. When you're tired, go back to the house you haven't moved out of and see your dad happily playing computer games, just like he did a few years ago, just like he did a few days ago. Mom suddenly regained her composure.

Romantic feelings are always diluted by reality. A person must always wash and wash and continue to live.

Xiao Xia, my mother is very emotional now, as if she up her ears at any time, looking left and right, hoping that someone can find me. However, when you live in isolation, you must know in advance the truth that people go to tea and cool. No one is irreplaceable to others. Then it became clear that not expecting is the truth.

I remember when I was with your father, my mother used to have two kinds of dreams, each of which was detailed and realistic. One is to dream that many people love me, and the people who loved me in the past come back to look for me, and the people who love me now love me so much, and the people who don't know me also appear and are willing to love me. And another dream is that there are so many women who have a good relationship with your father want to love your father, and your father leaves me freely, that scene makes my mother scared and sad.

Eventually, to some extent, both dreams became bubble realities, fleeting, but real.

Mom didn't have time to tell you all sorts of dramatic stories that happened later. These mothers are arranged in the back and slowly explain to you. But the story of Mom and Dad is definitely worth the dramas you watched during your adolescence.

Not to mention whether the dreams of beauty and evil come true, and the real plot will not be mentioned for the time being. Just to have such a dream is a big problem. Because of having such dreams for a long time, you can get a glimpse of how lacking love and insecurity my mother is. Xiao Xia, her mother was once confident and had a clear conscience and didn't do anything wrong. But for a while, my mother gradually stopped thinking like this.

Is this lack of love and security really the result of the two of them? Is it possible that everything is just my mother's? Is it that Mom didn't give Dad a stable and peaceful home? In such a deprived and barren mind, is it possible that everything will wither, and there is no cure at all.

Not only does she lack love and security, but her mother is also a person who endures more than she expresses. Mom used to accuse your dad with the same thing. But today, while running, Mom and Dad are actually pathetic people who don't know how to express themselves. This way is just a childhood habit. But everyone doesn't understand the limits of expression, and the fields are different. So not only do you not say A, I don't say B, but you also accuse each other of having A and B but not explaining.

When Mom and Dad first confirmed their relationship, there was one thing that was very representative. Mom now wants to over-analyze it, like scientific research does. Because it means to mom and dad what Newton's laws are to physics. And it is also predictable, and if you analyze it carefully, you should actually expect that Mom and Dad will come all the way to where they are today because of their differences and defects.

It was the first time he had come to visit his grandparents since his father and mother were together. That day, my grandfather prepared dinner and served cold dishes halfway. One of them was a plate with only washed shallots. At that time, my father asked, is this green onion eaten raw? Grandpa said, yes, it's okay with or without dipping sauce. Then my father turned to me and asked, "You eat like this all the time?" Actually, my mother didn't eat it often, but at that time, my grandfather was already eyeing me, and in order to show that I was on the same front with my grandfather, my mother immediately said, yes. As he spoke, he picked up one and ate it. After waiting for a long time, everyone had fallen asleep in the evening, and my father said that he never ate green onions raw, because he would smell green onions in his mouth, so he didn't want to talk to his mother all day. At that time, my mother wanted to stand on the same front with my father, so she said that she didn't like to eat green onions, and she did it to make her grandfather happy. So my father told my mother with a serious face that I should not do anything against my will for him in the future. From this point in time, Mom did a lot of things that I didn't want to do just for Dad. So many disobediences eventually eroded my mother's heart, making love almost hate.

At that time, my mother heard my father say this, and her feelings were very complicated. About half of them felt that their father couldn't look down on their mother's lifestyle, a small half felt that their father was very hypocritical, and a small half felt that their father was disgusting themselves.

Xiao Xia, after my mother went through all this, recalling the beginning, I have to say that people's hearts are really complicated. Many of the things we say and do are not because of a simple and clear reason, but because of so many miscellaneous and comprehensive inducements, coupled with an inexplicable subconscious, which instigates us to be calm on the surface, but in fact act impulsively.

Why? Because my father admonished my mother as reasonably, don't do what I don't want to do easily, and maybe my mental height was just disgusted with my mother's bad taste at first, but it seemed smaller when I said it, so I elevated it to the principle of unity of heart and mind. This series of actions may be a coherent subconscious operation, not a subjective will. It's the same with Mom. At that time, the practice was a collection of so many thoughts focused on one ten-thousandth of a second, considering grandpa's thoughts and moods, considering father's thoughts and moods, and what he suddenly did at the moment was to eat green onions, and what he suddenly said was to make someone happy, but did my mother really force herself? Mom thinks about it now, and she can't tell. There is more than one real reason for such a simple thing, and it is not as simple as saying it and seeing it.

Xiao Xia, this example of being analyzed and dismantled by her mother, shows that the gray area expressed by her parents is different. But compared to Mom, Dad's actual situation is better because he knows how to accept himself. If he can convince himself, what he chooses is good, and he will not let himself live in the gap between himself and truth. Mom can't digest the twist. Accumulate patience, and if you are uncomfortable for a long time, you will burst out and fight for the truth you believe in and the distorted reality you believe in.

Not long ago, Dad said that he only wanted a good-natured person in the future. At that time, my mother scoffed at her, and wanted to say that she was rated as gentle and lovely. But now that I think about it, in fact, my mother can't digest her patience, and when she finally broke out, she was indeed hateful. And the wind comments of my mother outside and the day and night of my mother and my father, those are two time and space, which are incomparable.

I suddenly thought of this because my mother had recently exploded her emotions with her grandpa. In this struggle, my mother seemed to see her own shadow from her grandfather, and she saw her usual appearance from her grandfather's perspective. The combination of the two manifestations made the mother almost feel very sick. When self-affirmation fell to the lowest, my mother was even glad for my father, leaving such a group of people and leaving my mother, which can be regarded as a clean end.

The grandpa in my mother's eyes is contradictory and symbiotic. Grandma is not good at expressing herself, but Grandpa is very strong. Mom has at least both, but not only that, but mom is overthinking, a complex, tough and sensitive combination.

This time, my mother moved out of the old one and wanted to buy a new house, and the strong grandfather with the grandmother who was not good at expressing herself has always made my mother feel that her opinions are not listened to and taken seriously. This evokes sad memories in my mother's heart that she can't cite actual cases. Yes, every time my grandfather yelled at my mother, saying that when you gave an example, my mother couldn't speak except for bitterness. That feeling is not a pain that can be illustrated by examples. This time, my mother, as usual, was patient and silent, but when the pressure mounted, it erupted into a silent protest. The stingy memories of childhood, the scornful rebukes, and the feeling of not being affirmed all flashed out like evil spirits. From childhood to adulthood, my mother's silent disdain has never had good fruit to eat. This switch came from grandpa's harsh accusations and grandma's criticism. So Mom, like when she was a teenager, chose to be numb and submissive.

Mom looks back at herself now, that haughty insensitivity, so indifference, it's just hateful. Such a vicious circle, and the cold, self-pitying mother and father he got rid of.

In this big drama of complaining about each other, my mother saw the evil and detachment of others, but more importantly, she saw her own uncontrollability. Xiao Xia, her mother used words to talk about her poorly controlled temper and splashed accusations against other people's behaviors, but her mother actually didn't do it well.

If there was a beginning to this, my mother wondered if she was the one who started it. If the mother made it clear, if the mother digested the patience, if the mother was a hearty straight person as the old people liked, if the mother did not break out her temper, would everything be different?

Xiao Xia, maybe this is a start, or maybe everything has already started quietly. Mom is looking at herself, starting anew from these experiences.