Xiao Xia, my mother has been talking fast lately, and when she writes, she will let her thoughts drift, and she will not embellish and think about it after the words flash. Sometimes when I look back, I feel that there are some words and sentences that are not good, but I still don't delete and start over, and always succumb to an impulsive feeling. All this should be because my mother is obsessed with a female writer, and my mother has been obsessed with all kinds of writers before, and once she is obsessed, she will drown in this person's style as if her soul is possessed, and my mother is like this these days. This writer is simply insane, her language always refers to life and death for no reason, so extreme, so sensitive, but very much in line with the way she should be. In contrast, Mom felt that the way she wrote to you before was more like Mom herself. And now, my mother's writing is a bit crazy and too heart-wrenching. Mom should have been influenced by her and began to be casual, saying whatever she wanted. Xiao Xia, if you think this kind of mother is a little strange, please go over this chapter, or even take the previous chapters with you, and wait until one day you feel like you are manic and look back, maybe then you can empathize.

Speaking of this, my mother's mind suddenly went off topic and became curious. What will Natsu be like when she grows up, whether she will have long hair, whether she will be quiet or active. Mom seems to see you looking down at a book by the bed. Maybe you're a person who hasn't been restless for a long time, maybe you've always been calm and calm, or maybe you don't empathize with your mother's manic depression at all. But no matter what you are, your mother loves you deeply, wants to touch your hands and hair across this time and space, and wants to hug you across the galaxy.

Xiao Xia, mother's current boat of life is bumping in the tide of emotions again. There were waves everywhere, and my mother had a feeling of nowhere to escape, nowhere to run, yes, just a feeling that she had nowhere to run. Mom is very scared in her heart, when will this depression, such pressure, and such confusion end? It felt like I was in a concentration camp, and I was already feeling that death was a happy relief.

Xiao Xia, the mother at this time, peeping at the mother of death, thinks that she can only be redeemed by love. Only by falling in love can you experience the sweetness of life and continue. But the love that I want to talk about like this is not because of the love itself, let alone missing anyone, but out of completely selfish self-help. Love is a book of redemption that my mother customized for herself from a young age. When nothing can save the rotten and dying heart, this skin wants to fall in love, as if the process of the soul can temporarily hold the spirit, pretend that he is still good, and with this picture, he can survive for a while. The heart in the predicament no longer stenched of death, as if it was recovering, as if everything had passed.

Xiao Xia, my mother is now alive without resonance, as if she is a whale, singing songs of different frequencies, swimming like she is lost in the sea, she can't see her head, and she has nowhere to go. Mom felt that she was about to sink in, and before that, Mom wanted to save herself, and wanted to see a little light through love.

And the feeling of being in love is physical in the eyes of my mother. When love comes, the mother can feel that the previously suppressed cells are pumped into the hormone of pleasure, and love can make the mother's cells no longer focus on unhappiness, but forget all the rules. Every person who frowns and works inside the cell puts down the task at hand and looks out from the thin cell wall. Mom can feel the depression of everyone in her cells, everyone's unhappiness, everyone frowning and working for Mom, Mom seems to see the black discomfort, which is made from every cell, and converges into Mom's heart through blood vessels, where it poisons her. Only love will stop all this, and she can make those villains stop doing it first and let their hearts breathe.

Xiao Xia, is all this a story in the Arabian Nights? Mom didn't think so. We always see bright red wounds and know that we need to go to the bandaging urgently. But we can't see the hurt heart, we can't see a person's spiritual dying, so we don't understand this situation, so we will only scoff at the art of self-help.

But all this really happened to my mother, the ubiquitous invisible suffering, and I can't wait to be recognized by the stingy life. Mom can only redeem herself, make the last struggle, want to taste pleasure in the bitterness, want to suck the sweet honey, want to fall in love, one, two, many scenes, just for her own love, just for a short time to return to the light.

Natsu, almost everyone, will tell her mother that this is wrong. Because the better way is that you have a healthy heart, the better way is that you can heal yourself, the better way is that you don't absorb the light of other people's lives, the better way is that every heart is healthy, the better way is that such a person does not exist at all, and the better way is to deny the existence of this thing.

But my mother is so depressed. When I open my eyes in the middle of the night, my mom will ask herself, do you exist? Are you really uncomfortable? Mom thought that her heart and herself should exist, and that her dying life was real.

Xiaoxia, it seems that her mother has to fall in love, but her mother is actually very scared, her mother didn't do anything, her mother seemed to be killed like this, but she didn't do anything.

Mom is afraid, because falling in love means adapting to the pace of others, it means stepping into the gamble of fate, and it means starting to face the problems of the future. And the love that my mother wants is actually just an escape from the problems of the past. Love redemption is actually drinking water to quench thirst, and my mother knows it in her heart. The problems of the past that are avoided will eventually come back with the problems of the future, which will be even more menacing and tear the mother's heart. So mom was scared. How can my mother know if this redemption is the poison of the future?

But we all like this, like to taste honey secretly, even blatantly, when we are tired, and say to ourselves and to others, I am too painful, can I feel the taste other than bitterness? Grandma is like this, grandpa is like this, those who smoke are like this, so are people who drink, and the same is true of mothers who fall in love when they are lonely. We escape from suffering, even if only for a moment.