Xiao Xia, mom has recently started to be afraid of some things again. Yes, a feeling of daunting, and in that moment, my mother's heart desperately wanted to stabilize.

And the definition of stability in the mother's heart is very one-sided. Mom feels stable, that is, there is a person who is willing to accompany her all the time. The sense of stability that my mother wants is so concrete, and that sense of stability is actually a person, a person who loves my mother.

Mom once had a brief wandering and getting lost in the big city. At that time, my mother was eager to form an alliance with anyone and become each other's dependence. Of course, Mom is the one who desperately needs to be relied on.

And every time I have this longing, I dig deeper, it's because my mother is suddenly full of fear of all the unknowns at some point. Sometimes these fears can stack on top of each other, sometimes they recede, and sometimes they cancel each other out.

There are a lot of things that mom will suddenly be scared of.

For example, ghosts. Natsu-chan, do you know what a ghost is? Now behold, ghosts are actually the king of mischief. Whether or not they really exist is still a mystery. It is also unknown whether they will be able to become a new species like a deep-sea monster fish that has never been discovered. And the movies that depict them will swear by assuming what they look like and what they do, as if everything is true.

My mom started in elementary school, and with my best friend at that time, I watched a lot of movies about ghosts and ghosts, and some books about supernatural events.

At that time, the feeling was not simply scared, the reason why I came into contact with these should be that my mother had a lot of curiosity and a lot of energy like other children at that time. And going into contact with something completely unknown can always cause a feeling of excitement and can drain the mother's curiosity and energy. Exposure to movies and books about ghosts can do just that.

At that time, my mother still used something called a VCD/DVD machine at home. If you want to watch a movie, most of the time you go to rent, and after paying the rental fee, you have to return it to the owner after watching it. When I took the ghost movie home and turned on the TV, I felt scared, nervous and excited.

There are some commonly used routines in ghost movies, such as ghosts will hide in corners or dark places most of the time, and when the protagonist walks by, they will suddenly appear unexpectedly, scaring the protagonist and the audience.

There are rules to follow in such corners, attics, corners, under the bed, in short, you can't see what the next stop is when you pass by, and you can't expect it to be a normal scene or nothing. As a result, the mischievous imps were waiting for us there, and everyone was shocked.

Speaking of it now, my mother seems to be very relaxed, but many ghost movies at that time, although they were very exciting, also deeply scared my mother. In Mom's imagination, some dark places, or some specific places, such as elevators or corners and the like, have become inseparable from the pranks of the little ghosts. Until now, when my mother is in such a scene, she will feel scared, and she will remember the scene of the ghost movie she has watched.

Such fears can appear suddenly, such as when Mom is walking alone on the road late at night, or when she is alone in an unfamiliar place taking the elevator. It feels like getting drunk, at first I was just a little scared, I remembered some movie scenes I had seen, and then the fear began to accumulate, and the hurried steps that followed, the faster I walked, the sweat that might ooze from my forehead. Later, the fear is completely overhead, and the emotions rush to the top of the head just like being drunk. At that time, my mother was extremely eager to have someone, he cared so much about himself, felt sorry for himself, and this moment, he was by his mother's side.

The fear of ghosts, from the shadow of memory, finally ends in the sustenance of a person. This cycle of fear sketches came to an end.

If the ghosts are completely their own fantasies scaring themselves. Then for the fear of being tracked and hurt, there is even more entity to control the source of fear.

Mom is afraid of being pestered or slandered.

Mom has been a gentle woman from her teenage years to the present. This kind of gentleness is not a universally defined compliment, but a derogatory term.

When my mother comes into contact with people, she is mostly a gentle, unassertive, easy-going, half-pushed, half-accommodating person. Yes, the last word is key. Mom will be with people she doesn't like so much, reluctantly together.

After this relationship ends, my mother will be uncomfortable for a few years and will not be able to recover. At the same time, my mother was also very afraid that my former lover would suddenly appear, and my mother was very afraid of being entangled.

This fear is very strong, and there is an inexplicable activity hidden in this fear. What is my mother afraid of doing to someone who might be pestering her?

I think it all stems from that feeling of reluctance in my heart. Mom may be scared of being with someone she doesn't like again. That feeling of convincing yourself when facing yourself. And when facing each other, the feeling of disgust in my heart.

Mom is afraid that she will meet someone she doesn't like and pesters her. Mom is also afraid of that time, still cowardly and accustomed to pleasing others.

This combination is simply too deadly, as if the tragedy is born to be one-on-one. Mom was scared of that.

Mom is also afraid that the way she looks at that time will be exposed, the kind of half-pushed and half-done look when she is with someone she doesn't like. Mom hated the way she looked.

And this dispute with your father, when Dad said that he would publish the video of Mom's life on major websites, Mom vaguely felt a familiar fear.

At this time, my mother wants to run away, it can be a place where no one knows my mother, where there is a sea, and a cliff. It can also be a person's arms, where there is confidence that no matter what happens, they are willing to accompany their mothers.

Mom is also afraid of losing your grandpa. In fact, it is very contradictory, the relationship between relatives, I don't know if others are like this, but the relationship between mother's relatives is a feeling of tension and difficult to adjust. Mom wants to be free, but she is afraid to face the world alone, afraid to face the unknown, afraid to face entanglement, so Mom is afraid of losing the anchor of Grandpa, the only existent ship.

There are many things that my mother is afraid of, such as living for the rest of her life, not knowing what she is living for, such as waking up one night and finding that aging is coming, such as illness, such as loneliness, such as the whirlpool of thoughts, such as the emotions like a storm. These mothers are scared.

But now the sudden loss, the loss of you, the loss of your father, the loss of your home, the loss of the house, let your mother wake up, afraid or not afraid, many things will still happen, and the long-term reliance that I thought should still be lost will be lost.

So when you feel scared now, think about the reality of the moment and feel less scared. I don't know if it's a kind of ironic toughness.

Xiao Xia, Mom will always love you.