Xiao Xia, since you were born, most of the time, you have lived with your grandmother in your hometown. Mom thought, that small southern city, that lively community, should be a hometown full of security for you, right?

Mom has had such a time, and she has also had such a place in her life.

During the Spring Festival this year, my mother walked in the community where she lived when she was a child and took a lot of photos. The buildings that used to be tall, the rows of first-floor courtyards where they used to play, the fences and grass where the children hid together, they are all still there, but they are all left in their memories and disappeared into reality.

In my mother's eyes, everything in the new photos became so small, so short, so old. The buildings in the memories are tall and vast, and there is fun hidden everywhere. The grass that had been hidden was so lush and green before, but now when you look at it, it seems that everything is gray.

Mom's memories are full of shining, vibrant colors, and sometimes in dreams, when Mom has grown up, she will go back to that place and see everything, and in the dream they are still the same. Xiaoxia, Mom thought, in the future, you will also remember the room where you lived with your grandmother, remember the trees downstairs, and the dense grass. It's these memories that build your hometown.

Later, when my mother grew up, she left the city for the first time, and after leaving that community, she didn't want to go back for a long time. At the worst time, my mother even felt as if there was a black cloud on top of the community, and as long as my mother stepped into it, she could feel extremely depressed. At that time, if my mother went back and walked into the community, she didn't want to look up at anyone or meet her former acquaintances, and my mother always returned to the old place with a gloomy face.

When I think about it now, it's amazing. The time and space of adults and the self when they were children are like a wormhole connected, and many subtle subsections may be connected together through the wormhole because of some opportunities. Suddenly, it was as if everything was the same again.

When my mother was a child, her surroundings were as bright as she had just depicted, but at that time, my mother, in addition to playing around, also had a strange and indifferent appearance. As a child, that kind of look is like a mother's natural attribute. The incompatibility with the environment, the distinct attitude towards people, and the indifferent or flattering old woman in the yard will be cold-eyed, which is a side that my mother has had since she was a child.

Many years later, in those gloomy days, when my mother returned to her hometown, the look on her face was exactly the same as when she was three years old, when she saw an old woman she didn't like. The reasons for this are very different, but they all look the same. That kind of somewhat cynical indifference, so many years, from three years old to dozens of years old, has never changed. It's also very interesting to think about.

In those years, my mother lived in other cities and was in her early twenties. Leaving home for the first time, in a distant place, without a familiar person by his side. My mother sometimes walked alone on the neon overpass, looking at the long queue of traffic under the bridge and the bustling high-rise buildings on both sides, my mother felt lonely and desolate. It's not the same as when I was back home. Prosperity, on the contrary, makes the mother feel powerless, and at worst, the mother feels scared. The pressure of becoming a human being, my mother couldn't bear it, so she woke up the indifference of her childhood and self-defense.

At that time, my mother had no achievements, no breakthroughs, and no academic attainments. Before leaving her hometown, before leaving, my mother had sworn so much. But later, the small self didn't even have a place to stay. At that time, my mother was frightened by the reality outside her hometown.

Even now, my mother is afraid of the sense of distance brought by the supreme prosperity of the city, so developed, so busy, but we are so ordinary, so overwhelmed, so unable to enjoy.

Mom still vividly remembers the feeling that she was out of place in the big city, and that feeling came when she was about 20 years old.

Now, my mother is going to start living alone again, also outside her hometown. Ten years later, my mother feels that she is very different from before, and now my mother is a little looking forward to the future life, and her mood jumps, because she wants to start life again, and there is a kind of eager touch.

Mom now has lost everything and has to start all over again, but unlike ten years ago, Mom now thinks it's a good thing. It's like the road of the same road, from the original road that seems to be able to see the end, to many roads, and my mother has a lot of possibilities.

At this time, my mother thought that if she had never left that place, the small courtyard where she had grown up and lived, would her heart be more peaceful, and her life would be simpler.

There are bushes, small buildings, childhood playmates, parents and relatives, as well as grandmothers and grandfathers who have loved and hated. If I stayed in my hometown, I wouldn't be able to feel the pressure of the big city, and the sense of loss would never erode me.

When my mother thinks like this, I feel that the skin of my whole body is being pulled, and the whole person seems to be pulled out in the time and space tunnel, or falling into a black hole where time itself is also pulled like noodles, and the front of the toes and the front of the fingers are elongated, so long, everything on my mother's body is integrated with the environment that is stretched together.

It's not just the body and the environment around you that are soaked together like two ribbons, but also the other people in the environment. Parents, beside their mother, walked through this wormhole together, cousin, grandfather, neighbors, mother's elementary school classmates, their parents, and the dogs in the small yard, all of which were re-pulled by time, and finally, after passing through the wormhole, my mother's body, with everyone, all the environment was impregnated, and became a similar to now, but very different self.

In such a heart, he has never left the mark of a big city, is this kind of self what his mother wants?

In your mind, you may think of the neighbor's concern for asking about your parents recently, and at a deeper level, it is the subtle feelings of being very close, intertwined with care and prying eyes.

The kind of self that is soaked in the bustle of the big city and the self that is integrated with everything that is familiar, which one is what my mother prefers.

Now my mother, sitting by the window, the gentle wind blows through my forearms and face. Maybe, maybe if this is not a brand new city, but a hometown, time and space change, everything around you becomes familiar but different, maybe it will be happy, right?

If that were the case, Mom would have taken a completely different path. As long as you remember, you can go and see the small bushes that you drilled through as a child. And everything I experience now, work, colleagues, right and wrong, right and wrong, will become a different kind.

Mom feels that although she can almost say that she has nothing now, in these two scenes, Mom can't tell the difference. Another hallucination didn't make my mother intoxicated. At the bottom of my heart, in the deepest place, my mother felt that she had lived a good life without fail, and there was no need to replace it.

Xiaoxia, will you leave your hometown to study and live in other cities in the future? Will you leave your grandmother and father and start your journey on your own? Maybe one day, you will also wonder if things would have been different if you had never left, and that would have been better.

At that time, my mother also wanted to hear you tell me about your memories of your hometown and see the stories in your wormhole. Mommy loves you.