Xiaoxia, Mom hasn't seen you for a long time, but after seeing your appearance today and finding that we couldn't have a normal conversation as before, Mom cried again, the same as before.

But it's the same as before, my mother is hiding and crying, the kind of crying that doesn't make a sound no matter how much she cries.

Xiao Xia, at such a moment, my mother's heart hopes that my father will hide in a hidden corner like before, watching my mother cry. Yes, this is what mom wants to be captured by Dad's pinhole camera. It's not about letting your dad record your mom hysterical, or letting your dad type in and mom crying in someone else's arms. It's like this.

Right. It's like this. The whole face was distorted, red piece by piece, with a long mouth, so big that the whole face was twisted together, and then the face was full of wrinkles, and the lungs fell together, and the movement was very big, and I cried. Silent and silent.

Mom hopes, Daddy, or whoever else does, to sneak a peek at this emotion. In this way, it should be better than Mom's now.

Dad used to say that Mom was crying, it was too ugly. When I cry, it's completely ugly, and the saliva in my mouth is sticky, and the whole person has a dry taste. It's just stinky and ugly.

It turns out that this is really the case, and now the person in front of the mirror is incredibly ugly, like the face like the hood of the lion dance during the New Year, red, with many lines. It's so ugly that my mother is crying and being funny by her own ugliness.

Later, in the bathroom cubicle, my mother continued to cry in the shower, the tears felt very warm, and the nasal passages were full of swollen snot. In the stream, tears and snot tributaries are distinct and have completely different forms. Liquid with emotion, and water without emotion, are incompatible and do not interfere.

Mom was silent, in the shower, crying hysterically. If it is sound, it should be very pathetic.

Xiao Xia, a part of her mother's previous grief, needs an audience. Mom would be sad to hide, but always hoping to be found. Mom would pretend to faint, but it was actually for a kiss. And now, such a completely silent scream, in my mother's heart, is played to the father who once left a shadow on my mother. Maybe my mother will perform for one person in this one-man show all her life. That's the dad who used to peep at mom secretly.

Ever since I knew that there had been a ghost in the darkness, there was no peace behind the curtains.

Mom, forever, feels like she's being spied on. The moment I sat in the toilet, when I was crying, when I was picking my nose, when I was pulling my pants, and when I was undressing, I knew that someone was there, analyzing, and then commenting that my mother was an ordinary person who was not worth mentioning, a filthy ordinary person, and a vulgar and despicable person.

And the strange thing is that from the shock at the moment when I knew that I was being peeped at and secretly recorded, to disgust, to boredom, it slowly turned into a kind of comfort, a perverted sense of companionship.

Now, in the darkness, it's Mom's partner when she's crying now, and Mom imagines having an object, like your dad used to be across from his pinhole camera, watching Mom cry.

The mother who is facing the camera, as professional as an actress, cries with all her emotions. One hand is holding on to the wall, almost completely unable to support it, and crying without making a sound.

Mom hopes to awaken even a little bit of pity to the audience, even if the audience sometimes thinks that Mom is extremely dirty, but in the face of such a sincere and incisive performance, won't there be, even a little bit of love?

Such a life that is confused with real emotions, today, and now, my mother is shuttling through selfless grief and exquisite sad interpretation.

Xiao Xia, my mother's grief today, in fact, compared with the performance, the real content is really ordinary.

Mom's pain is because she misses you very much, Mom feels that she can't do anything, Mom greets you so briefly, and ends the conversation so quickly. Mom's arrangement is not satisfactory. Worry that if you talk to you for too long, you will get bored, and worry that it will end too soon, and you will feel that your mother doesn't care about you. Later, when we ended the connection, my mother was very sad.

After that, the pain in my mother's heart slowly rose from my stomach to the base of my tongue, and then the pain rushed into my back, caught up with my spine, and dived into my tear ducts and nasal cavity, becoming a snake made of air bitten by my teeth, filling my mother's heart with venom.

Then, grandpa and grandma also felt their mother's poisonous sores rot. They were so uncomfortable that they wanted their mother to block the venom, even if they endured it for a while, but at this time their mother was already uncontrollable. So grandpa was the first to be poisoned by his mother, and then grandma.

After my grandfather was infected by my mother, he would be furious. And grandma will be indifferent.

So when my mother was sad, she had to resist her grandfather's yelling and her grandmother's coldness.

In the shower, crying, crying silently. Otherwise, maybe more people will be infected, and it will continue to be my mother's fault, isn't it?

Mom remembered that time, and Mom also cried, but that time not only infected Grandpa and Grandma, but also infected Dad. That day, he was inexplicably involved in his mother's grief. That day, my mother knew that my father had long been too lazy to see my mother through the pinhole, and it turned out that after being infected by my mother, I had no other emotions except irritability and disgust.

Dad shook his face that day and said, inexplicable. Look at this mess, look at this nest of teams that can't control tears, can't control anger, can't control indifference. Dad finally left us, and Mom envied him. Mom herself hopes to quit the show and run away as far as possible.

Grandpa often said that their lives were so sad because of their mothers, because their mother's lives were so sad, they were old, they were powerless, and they were embarrassed to meet people.

It turns out that in their lives, the audience is their mother, and their drama will be performed for their mother.

Such a big drama made my mother choke, but it was also difficult to swallow. The drama of their lives and their dependence are all pinned on their mother, but their mother can't sympathize with them. The more miserable they are, the more tragic the performance will be for their mother, the more they can't really sympathize with them, the more they want to escape from this theater, and the more they can't get synesthesia.

Xiaoxia, mom needs to tell you that mom's feelings for you don't have much to do with you, please don't try to pay for mom's feelings. Mom only misses and loves you, and Mom's sadness is because her life trajectory does not intersect so much with you, this is the train driven by Mom herself, and it has nothing to do with you. Mother's play, you just have to watch it.