Xiao Xia, my mother has written a lot of things to you in the past few days, but every time I write halfway, I will die. Mom's letter was all stifled by the mediocrity she identified. It feels like wandering around a pendulum of money, swinging to the side where you think you're mediocre, as if everything is hopeless, and then falling silent, swinging into the illusion that you feel like you're in a predicament, talented but buried.

Xiao Xia, when her mother was in Germany, once dated a symphony conductor. Now that my mother recalls, she always feels that her passion is more focused on this identity than on this person. When merged with art, man himself becomes insignificant and worldly, and music completely overrides man and corrupts the flesh. Mom was so immersed in that person's identity, sleepwalking in the air of music. Every time she realized that this person was real, her mother would feel a little disgusted, and almost turned her head away from looking at him, until his body and face were swallowed up by music again, and then her mother would be willing to accept him again, accept him who is completely non-existent, a person who only has music itself, is not a person and does not really exist anything. At that time, all my mother had in her heart was music.

Mom is vain, and when she smells human beings, she almost enlightens herself with a very specific imagination, as if it were happening right in front of her. The scene was imagined by my mother, but she almost had to make a sound to talk to the imaginary object. is so real, and the emotions brought by it are also, in such a scene, my mother can completely digest the feeling of disgust with that person, and there is nothing left. In that scene, my mother said to her old acquaintance that this is my boyfriend, and he is a classical music student. It's as simple as that, the vanity cloak and the robe of music, with a whoop, magically cover the person completely, and when he pulls it open again, there is nothing left. After this scene, Mom is happy.

Xiao Xia, my mother thought at first that this was the charm of talent, which made people ignore a lot of things, even all other than talent. When a person has it, he may be devoured by himself, but it doesn't matter, because it's like being reborn, transfiguring out of the physical body itself and becoming a spiritual being. So there will be people like Mom who worship this nothingness.

But it may not be the case. Whether it's really so sacred, Mom can't tell. When my mother was in Germany, when she went back and forth to various concert halls, she pretended that everything was so familiar and ordinary to her, but she couldn't explain it. What is it for, I feel that I am running around and confused, ignorant and pathetic, what music is for me, who this person is, what is my vanity and pursuit, my mother at that time, I can't tell.

Looking back now, that may have been the ultimate in my mother's pursuit of talent from beginning to end. Mom's so-called extreme turned out to be a puppet who was committed to art and music, burning himself like a sacrifice, which was all that Mom could give at that time. If there is another chance, my mother wants to reacquaint herself with music and really understand it, not pretend to understand it, and really have it, instead of just following it. Mom wanted to be at ease in the paradise of music, as if she belonged here. But because I don't understand, I don't belong there, so I can only pretend to be free. Pretending to be too tired wasted all the strength of my mother at that time, and I didn't have the energy to really dance to the music. Mom shouldn't have been worthy of music at that time.

Xiao Xia, in that dim memory, what my mother remembers is the scene of walking to the concert hall at night, the classical concert hall, with milky yellow walls, old everywhere, old people in the audience, old-style chandeliers, and wooden doors in the toilets. There is no feeling of happiness in my mother's memories, and there is even a vacuum sound of deafness in both ears, and even the music of chasing is not left in my memory. Mom gave herself, however, such a talent cult brought her only thinking and the passage of time, leaving nothing behind. But unlike the time with your father, Mom doesn't regret it, and some even feel that she deserved to die, but it wasn't a happy time, it was a pilgrimage like a religious journey.

Today's mother is different from then, and her mother no longer fantasizes about being accepted by art, as if she is a bit resigned to her fate. Ignorance may be driven out of adoration and curiosity by art at the beginning, but later, my mother understands the price of pilgrimage, and for ordinary mothers, that price is very high. It was a blurry feeling that I couldn't see or touch, and I couldn't land on my feet even if time passed.

But Mom found an alternative that could bring an aura of talent, that would not require sacrifice, that would not need to be pursued without a soul, that could be released from within, by yourself, that would make flowers bloom in your breast. Just put your heart and soul into what you're doing to get it. Xiao Xia, when you are like a lost lamb, looking around the grassland, not knowing what kind of road to chase in the wind, you are an ugly and transparent person. But when you're running, when you're chasing a goal, when you're concentrating on chasing it, so concentrated, everything else around you is blurred, unimportant, and seems to have lost focus, you get the same thing as the charm of art, a light that is carved into poetry in your heart, and it's yours alone, it belongs to you.

Xiao Xia, sometimes we are such a group of people who have no logic and rules, when we focus on ourselves, really focus on ourselves, instead of pretending to be like that, we become Buddhas on the ground, and our whole body shines, no matter how crowded the crowd is, it is also charming. And when we pretend, we stink, and when we focus on the brilliance of others, our skin slowly changes color, slowly revealing the blood vessels, slowly disappearing with the blood vessels. Yes, we're such an irregular bunch. Ask but can't, get without hesitation, chase but not reach, reach and burn. Xiao Xia, if we want to take advantage of the temple of talent, want to have the charm of the artist's belt, want the experience of being pilgrimaged, and don't want to be a puppet of talent, please run seriously, instead of pretending to chase, run in a direction you want, as long as you start to forget everything else, you will get everything else.

When my mother was in Germany, if she could really face herself, really observe, and really live, she should finally be able to match music.