Sanmao said: "Eat a piece of candy every day, and then tell yourself - today's day is really sweet again." ”

Zhao Xun said that she can't remember now that this is the first glass of wine she has drunk, there are no swaying red wine glasses, and some are just peach blossom drunk brewed by Yunnan villagers.

In the classroom outside the window, the students who were in class buried their heads deep under their desks, secretly brushing what kind of wine is the best wine in the world, and it is the tik of earthy love stories for a long time.

Zhao Xun said that she felt a little tired, and she even felt that she was about to fall asleep, but Gu Chen still pestered her, and Gu Chen said that he wanted to listen to the story in one go.

"The one who listens to the story is not allowed to shed tears!"

"Who shed tears, it's too windy here, okay?"

"Then let's go back."

A breeze was blowing, and I don't know whose novelty was in the house, and the single was playing Li Ronghao's "Composer" on a loop:

Composers, composers, write the most ordinary song of our lives......

At that time, the composer who had been covered by others N times was already a classic old song, and when I was young, I listened to the melody, it was lively, and the lyrics, and now I understand it when I am middle-aged.

How to describe the hurried years that have passed when I was young, a lyric is all.

Go back 20 years.

"Dad, where are we going today? It's up to you! ”

"Then you can just follow me, I can't tell exactly where that place is or what it's called."

"Okay."

Regular review, regular treatment, and taking medicine on time, my father's mental condition is getting better and better, and now he can almost have a normal communication with Zhao Xun, no, I just hung up the call record with my brother from Beijing.

The younger brother said on the phone that he was a little homesick, missed his father, missed his sister, missed happy, missed the big house at home, and missed the braised pork made by his father.

(Happy is a kitten that Zhao Xun picked up from a neighbor, Zhao Xun will sleep with Happy in his arms every day, especially well-behaved and cute.) )

Although my father also expressed his miss for my younger brother on the phone, I also hope that my younger brother can work seriously in Beijing, don't always think about going home to see, my father also said that a good boy has ambitions in all directions, and he should not stay at home all day long, that is not good.

Seeing his father's body getting better day by day, his younger brother was also much more comfortable, he later told his sister that during the period of his father's illness, he lived a very decadent life every day, in addition to going to work every day, after work, he either was not drunk with his friends in the bar, or he locked himself in the house to drink, did not clean, did not clean up, and the younger brother also joked that the cockroaches during that time may really be the happiest days.

Brother Shu, who persevered every day with only a little clue from his sister to his father, said that if it weren't for the fact that his father really needed a lot of money to see a doctor, he would have quit his job in Beijing.

Because of that kind of worry about your closest family, worry about your family, when you can't pin your trust on something, that feeling is really painful, because in other people's mouths, you really can never see what your father's real state is.

His father's pain, his father's helplessness, his father's fear, he couldn't see it, he couldn't feel it, he didn't even have a chance to bring his father a cup of hot water, and he didn't even have a chance to give his father a basin of water to wash his feet, because he was not by his father's side.

The younger brother said that he hated reality, hated the Beijing hukou, hated the housing prices of tens of thousands of yuan per square meter, hated the life of having to crowd the bus and the subway as soon as he woke up, and he also said that he would never go to the hospital again, never again.

Zhao Xun didn't know how to comfort him, because she was not in Beijing, she couldn't empathize, and she couldn't understand why she got up at 9 o'clock to go to work, but she had to risk being late when she got up at 5 o'clock, just so that the rented house in the remote area could be cheaper by 200 yuan.

Zhao Xun told his younger brother on the phone that there is never the word "easy" in anyone's life, his younger brother is like this, she is like this, and so is his father.

My father worked all his life so that we could get out of this small place as soon as possible, Beijing is a paradise that many people dream of, and everything you have now is not just your own.

The simple sentence, "The life you have now is more than just your own", can be said to be a great benefit for the younger brother who came later.

At least after that time, my brother never yelled that he was going to resign, to go home, or to leave Beijing.

Although the younger brother and Zhao Xun belong to the half-brother relationship, but in the eyes of his younger brother, Zhao Xun has never treated his sister as if she were her own sister, in his eyes, her sister is her own sister, the same as her father, and Zhao Xun is the same.

Sure enough, his father still took Zhao Xun to Zhao Xun's mother's home, this is the first time his father brought Zhao Xun here, including Zhao Xun's father who secretly came here behind his father's back, in fact, his father has always known about that incident, but he has never said it.

The first time I came here was in the year when Zhao Xun graduated from university, and Zhao Xun at that time naively thought that as long as she graduated, she would be able to meet her mother who had been thinking about her for more than 20 years, but she didn't expect that in the end, she would get a grave.

Now, after nearly ten years, from the few families before, they are now moving and walking, and they are indeed a lot of deserted.

If it weren't for the fact that the old house in her mother's house was still there, Zhao Xun still couldn't believe that this was the place where she raised her biological mother for more than 20 years and finally buried the second half of her biological mother's life.

It was the first long conversation after my father's illness got better.

The father lit a cigarette, and then took Zhao Xun to kneel in front of the grave and kowtowed three times, and then took out the fruits, bread, and dumplings he brought with him.

"Find a child, you go and take a look around, it's been more than 20 years, this is the first time, and it is probably the last time, let me talk to your mother alone for a while."

"Okay, then I'll come to you later, don't go anywhere else."

Although his father doesn't seem to be too different from ordinary people now, when Zhao Xun remembered every time his father was "lost" before, Zhao Xun really couldn't bear to leave his father there alone, and she was afraid that the same thing would happen again.

Zhao found a distance of about 100 meters, but she still felt that it was more reliable to look at her father from a distance.

Under the low grave, my father sat on the ground, and the weeds covered my father's body, so that a few hairs were exposed in the wind, and I don't know when the gray hairs on my father's head seemed to gradually increase.

Time is flowing minute by minute, Zhao Xun doesn't know what his father is saying in his mouth, whether it is his father sitting on his mother's grave, or the life he has talked about, or the voice of thousands of words of repentance, or the past and present life of reporting good news and not bad news, Zhao Xun said that she really can't imagine it.

She didn't have time to participate in her parents' life, because from the time she was born, she was labeled as a child of a single-parent family, and she didn't know whether there was affection or love between her parents.

If not, it is the life of the parents, the words of the matchmaker, if there is, it is the emotional breakdown later, the junior intervened, and the three views did not agree.

Zhao Xun told Gu Chen that in fact, there are few things she regrets the most, including her marriage, which can only be told with regrets, and the story about her parents, when she was 40 years old, she still couldn't accurately express it, which was the thing she regretted the most.

At the beginning, I always thought that the days in the future would be many, long, long enough to use a lifetime to slowly understand, but I didn't expect that life is a moment, a blink of an eye, a moment of life and death, and she can no longer understand what her mother was thinking in her head when she was 17, 20, 27, and 37 years old, or what her mother was doing at that time.

Is it unbridled madness? Is it the sweat of ploughing the fields? Is it the joy of being a first-time wife? Is it the criticism after the divorce? Or is it the pain of battling cancer?

She didn't know, yes, at this point, she couldn't know anymore.

Feeling the wind from his mother's hometown, Zhao Xun felt that the wind was sweet and clear, and at that moment, Zhao Xun seemed to be able to see how his mother fell from croaking to the joy of becoming a mother more than 40 years ago, and finally ended her life in a certain way.

How she longed to see her mother again in this life, even if it was just a glance from south to north.

"Look, come here!"

Seeing his father in the distance waving at Zhao Xun, Zhao Xun hurriedly ran over to his father's side.

"Dad, are you alright? You haven't been back for a long time, why did you smoke so much! ”

Although his father was not as tearful or remorseful as Zhao Xun imagined, Zhao Xun said that she seemed to be able to feel the feeling of coming from his father's heart, otherwise, his father would not have been able to visit his mother before he was recovering from a serious illness.

"I'm fine, ** sick, I'm just addicted to smoking."

The wind was very good that day, and my father said that he was not in a hurry to go home, and he would not delay when he left.

Zhao Xun simply sat on the ground like his father.

The sun scorched the land around her mother, and Zhao Xun didn't feel that her butt was hot, but she felt that the temperature seemed to be just right.

At that moment, Zhao Xun and his father seemed to have returned to their childhood.

At that time, my mother was still there, and my home was still there.

In order to celebrate her mother's pregnancy, my father bought a live fish from a small shop three miles away, and later, my mother said that she wanted to eat bones, pig bones, sheep bones, and chicken bones.

Later, my father opened a bone pipe ......

Before leaving, Zhao Xun still felt that his father seemed to be holding back something and didn't say anything, but Zhao Xun was not suitable to ask, after all, her parents were separated when she was born, and now her mother is no longer there, and it can be seen that there is no practical significance if she continues to pursue it.