In the two days I returned to Chujiazhuang, in addition to eating and bathing, I lay quietly in bed.

My father didn't ask me a word, but I could see in his eyes how worried he was.

I was lying on the bed, and the figures of Feixia and my son Tianyun kept wandering in my mind, I don't know how many times.

I thought of Feixia, and when we first met, how could I be confused by beauty.

That evening, her waterfall-like hair, her slender and tall figure, and especially the beautiful image of her smiling back at me in the blood-colored glow, pasted on the landscape of the wilderness, like a labyrinth that made it impossible for me to find my way home.

And just like that, that path meandered in my heart all the time, that spring.

I put a spring hand quietly into her window, and a pain was calmly unfolded in that charming retrospective, but who would have thought that this unfolding would be a long life.

I really hate myself, why was the decision to break up with her so completely and resolutely when I found out that she was not highly educated, irascible and had little common language between us? She rushed to the school and smashed the dozens of dumplings that I was given to eat? I really hate myself, why did I think that girls in rural areas might care more about people, take care of people, and be more able to bear hardships and stand hard work?

Graduates of dignified key universities actually regard possibility as an inevitability, which is ridiculous, sad and lamentable!

I really hate myself, why did I get married so hastily in the first place, is it because she looks like Xu Konglan, a college classmate? Could it be that getting married early can ease the burden on fathers? Could it be that if your family is poor, you can just find a girl who doesn't want any bride price? Who am I married? With appearance or with money and filial piety?

There were so many details and many things that replayed before my eyes, and they whipped me mercilessly like a whip.

At this moment, the days of the past have become **, and my heart has also become**, they are whirling and dancing, without stopping, even if they cry out in pain, even if they bleed.

I remember buying clothes, she said that I "would do nothing but teach";

I still remember what she said more than once in front of others: "If any of you fancy him, I will let him";

I still remember that when the vegetables were fried and salty, she said, "It's so stupid, I can't learn the music I teach";

I still remember that when the child was just full moon, I just made a joke with my son, and she scolded me noisily for being "stunned" and "stunned", and even angrily took the child back to her parents' house and refused to send it to me;

I still remember that when I was asked to pour boiling water, I didn't find it and scolded, saying something like "you die today and I will marry tomorrow", which made me lose sleep all night, tossing and turning, like a haggard and dim, crumbling flower on a branch;

I still remember the spring of '94, that sunny and laughing afternoon, forcing me to take my three-year-old son to the countryside for a divorce, making a lot of noise in the city, since then, my self-esteem and my pride have been sadly weathered in people's pointing and gossip;

I still remember saying in front of others that I "look like a gentleman on the surface, but a venom snake in my bones", I just smiled faintly, but who knows, behind the smile is a spring river full of tears of blood;

I still remember that once the quarrel started, she would say that "in the end, the children who are not taught by their mothers can't talk about it" or "the old and immortal will not be able to teach", and I had to enter the world of "sorrow is like this, and sorrow destroys the heart";

I still remember that whenever I gave examples to reason and reason, she said that I "have no other ability and can only talk nonsense", so in the eyes of many people, I finally have a "strength" that can be ridiculous;

I still remember that on her thirtieth birthday in February this year, she drank liquor violently, and when she came home, she burst into tears, so that her mother's family was dissatisfied with me and was rude to me, and the eldest sister tried to quarrel with her, so I could only comfort her, "Forget it, eldest sister, my brothers can bear it, why should you bother", and then stood quietly in the rain and drank alone in the cold night......

I scratched my eyes at the days when I had been crushed by boredom and pain, and they trembled violently, shaking so that the heavens and the earth tilted, and all my organs trembled.

I also thought of my son.

What a lovely son, but now he has been ****ed to seem to be almost like his mother.

If this continues, will my son still have a bright, hopeful and energetic future?

She often scolded her son for being as cold-blooded and mentally retarded as his father, and complained at every turn that her son didn't get the first or second.

The most classic sentence is: "The ancestral grave of the Chu family is not buried, no wonder your Chu family can't produce people!" Or roared hoarsely: "I think you should stop learning, from a young age to a young man, to an old stake." Let's learn how to wear clothes with me. Either he took the ruler with a red eye, went up a few times, and threatened: "I don't know how to raise you as a son, it's better to be killed!" ”

In fact, the child is only in the middle of kindergarten......

I thumped my heavy head, and said in my heart—

Son, forgive Daddy for the decision, Daddy has missed it once, and this time he must not mistakenly arrange a gray and bleak future for you again.

Gliding over the misshapen sky, how can you hold out clusters of bright notes?

At noon on Sunday, I announced my decision to my father.

As if a world war had broken out, my father was stunned on the rattan chair for a long time.

But when he realized that he couldn't change my attitude anymore, he didn't say anything, just staggered out of the house. I thought my father was going to play chess with his old friends as usual, but after about an hour, my brother and sister came back.

He's going to move the rescuers!

I said in my heart, Dad, I'm sorry, you wasted your efforts!

My brother Chu Mingyu, who was ten years older than me and worked in place of my father, rushed back from the Hongqi Township Supply and Marketing Cooperative.

He looked at me quietly first, then coughed and opened his mouth solemnly: "Mingxi, marriage is a big deal, you have to be cautious when deciding to divorce." Feixia is not easy, she brought the child to the age of five alone, what have you done? It's not that I'm talking about you, you should be realistic, as long as a woman has a little merit, she can live with her for the rest of her life. ”

After a pause, as if thinking about something, he continued: "As the old saying goes, 'every room is lit and each room is lit', so you should light the lamp in your room with your heart......

Miss Minghua, who was holding her daughter, interrupted her brother's words on the side: "I object. It's good for Feixia to take care of her children, but she can't be afraid of doing housework and not taking care of her husband. Mingxi, I think if you really can't get along with her, the long pain is better than the short pain, you can leave! ”

The eldest sister's face showed concern and anxiety, and her frowning brows seemed to be shrouded in a cloud of sorrow.

Her gaze kept falling on me, and I could feel the weight.

She finally spoke: "I can't decide anything, I'm just saying something." Mingxi, how do you raise the children after the divorce? Do you enjoy your job so much that you can make more time for your children? If I marry again, will the stepwife accept the child, and the child will accept the stepmother? What kind of explanation are you going to give Feixia? After all, she gave birth to children for you. ”

It seemed that some kind of major decision had been made, and my sister finally said solemnly: "If you think about it, Mingxi, no matter what decision you make, I will support it!" ”

My brother and sister said something later, and I didn't seem to hear it, let alone want to hear it.

I don't want to be bound by other people's thoughts, so why change course so easily when I've thought it through? I want to make decisions for my happiness, and I want to make decisions for the future of my children!

By the time I left the cold "I thought it was ready" phrase, I was already far away from home on my bike.