After the parent-teacher meeting, Chen Lele's mother walked out with her son in her arms, she walked in front of Chen Lele, her face was ugly, but because there were many people around to watch, she didn't directly slap this unsuccessful daughter, nor did she directly scold her. Pen, fun, pavilion www. biquge。 Instead, he suppressed his anger and asked Chen Lele in a calm tone as much as possible, "Lele, your homeroom teacher told me that your grades have dropped rapidly, and asked me if something happened at home...... You tell your mother honestly, what's wrong with you? Is there something on your mind? Or is there something you can't solve on your own? You can tell your mother. ”

Chen Lele opened her mouth, could it be said that she couldn't concentrate at all, and that her brain would often go blank...... She didn't believe it herself......

She lowered her head and said in a low voice, "I'm sorry, Mom, I didn't try...... I, I'll work hard next time to get the results appealed ......"

This statement barely satisfied her mother, she poked out two hundred yuan from her pocket, stuffed it into Chen Lele's hand, and said, "Mom believes in you, you work hard." This money is used as pocket money, fed and clothed in school, and told us what grievances we have suffered. You're a good boy, and my mom believes you'll be able to catch up with your academic performance. ”

The younger brother was a little unwell in the past two days, and after briefly telling his daughter a few words, Chen Lele's mother carefully took her son to the hospital.

Chen Lele pinched two hundred yuan, looked at the back of his mother's departure, and stood there for a long, long time......

In the following days, Chen Lele's situation did not improve. She put down the pen in her hand and sighed at the paper, the test questions on the paper. She couldn't understand it anymore.

What the hell is wrong with you?

The monthly exam is coming soon, and Chen Lele's grades have not improved, and they are even worse than the last time.

This time, the test results were to be taken back to the parents and signed by the hometown. And when Chen Lele returned home, when Chen Lele put the report card in front of his parents, what he gained was not surprisingly, their disappointed eyes.

Chen Lele's heart was extremely uncomfortable, she would rather her parents scold her, even if it was to beat her, than look at her with such eyes.

They didn't say anything serious, they just asked Chen Lele to work hard next time, and they continued to revolve around their son.

In this family, there doesn't seem to be a place for her—Chen Lele thought.

After falling asleep at night, Chen Lele had a dream - he dreamed that he jumped off the balcony, and at the moment when his body was shattered, his soul was finally freed from the shackles, fluttering and flying high into the sky, and his golden eyes were sprinkled down, it was so warm......

It's a rare dream, isn't it?

****

Chen Lele's grades are getting worse and worse, almost to the bottom. And the parents also went from encouragement at the beginning, to the scolding of hatred in the middle, and then to the disappointment of letting go. At this time, Chen Lele's younger brother has also grown up, and he and Chen Lele are two completely different types of children.

He was cute, lively, likable, and unusually intelligent at a young age, often earning a lot of praise for his parents.

This is a satisfying child who meets the couple's hopes, not to mention, he is still a boy who can give them a pension and send them to the end of their lives.

Chen Lele naturally had to be ignored by the couple.

Of course, this neglect does not mean material neglect, but emotional neglect. They seldom pay attention to this daughter anymore.

At home, Chen Lele is invisible like a transparent person.

All her problems had exploded in full force by this time - she was emotionally unstable, she wanted to cry at every turn, she couldn't control herself in any singing; Lack of concentration, difficulty in developing an interest and love for something; becoming more and more withdrawn, learning not to get along with others normally; Even more and more lazy, manifested as not wanting to move or talk...... Of course, the fact that she could see monsters hadn't changed.

These problems have been there before, and some strange ones have arisen in adolescence - perhaps hidden in her personality and later induced for various reasons.

Chen Lele felt hopeless, what is the point of living for a person like her?

The thoughts of wanting to commit suicide began to frequently break into Chen Lele's mind.

It was as if there was a voice lurking in the depths of her heart, seducing her all the time and letting her die, and only by doing so could she be freed.

At the beginning, Chen Lele could still refuse this temptation for various reasons, such as her parents would be sad and sad when she died, she still had to raise her parents when they were old, she still had unfinished dreams to fulfill, and she also wanted to find someone who loved herself and loved for the rest of her life......

But the voice in my heart will refute them one by one.

You don't matter to your parents, they only love your brother - so even if you die, they won't be sad.

You will marry in the future, and your underground will carry on the family lineage, so in the future, when your parents are old, it will be your younger brother who will raise them (in fact, this is what Chen Lele's parents often talk about) - so your parents do not need your support when they are old.

Your academic performance is so poor, you don't have a skill, you don't have any shining points in you, and you give up on yourself - so you don't have the ability to accomplish your dreams, and you don't even have the qualifications to have them.

You're too timid, you're too withdrawn, you're not likable, you're still a monster, a weirdo who can see terrible monsters in his eyes, and no one wants to stay with you - so no one will like you, and no one will want to spend the rest of your life with you.

See, your existence has no meaning to this world. Whether you live or die has no effect on anyone else. Since that's the case, since you're so tired of living, why aren't you dead yet? Kill yourself, you will be happy.

These words slashed into Chen Lele's mind like thunder. A great change suddenly happened, and those monsters who were originally quietly doing their own things suddenly looked at her together. They spoke, and the same voice came out of their mouths - kill yourself, die, be free......

Like a spell that cannot be shaken off, no matter where he goes, Chen Lele can hear these voices.

She didn't feel afraid, only doubts and longings - is this really the case, can death really solve everything?

***

Chen Lele has imagined his own death countless times - such as tying a knot in front of his window, but sticking his head in; For example, buy a bottle of weedicide pesticide online and drink it directly into your stomach; For example, slow down the water in a bathtub and bury yourself in it; For example, you can use a small blade to sharpen a pencil, and use it to cut the veins on your wrist or neck......

There don't seem to be many ways to commit suicide.

But she has not been able to put it into action, specifically she has no chance to act. There were so many people around that her every move was exposed to the eyes of others, and she tried to drown herself in the bathtub, but within a while, she was knocked on the door by an impatient roommate.

At school, there doesn't seem to be a chance to commit suicide.

Let's wait until we get home.

***

Holding his test papers, Chen Lele went home, the lights at home were bright, and there was laughter. Seeing her daughter come back, Chen Lele's mother asked a few random questions and continued to tease her son.

Chen Lele simply ate the food left for her, said that he wanted to rest, and went back to his room.

This situation - a situation in which there is almost no communication with family members - has been going on for a long time.

Chen Lele may have been depressed in the past, but not today. She was unusually excited today, and every cell in her body was rarely excited. Because tonight, she can leave this world, and her long-term pain can be relieved, which makes Chen Lele unexcited.

After thinking about it, Chen Lele decided to choose the suicide method of jumping off the building. Because if you choose to commit suicide at home, it will be very troublesome for your mother to clean up. She better not bother her mother.

Happily lying on the bed, she could even smile and say to the "little flyers" above her head, "I'll be free." ”

And they responded to her with a more pleasant expression.

As the night wore on, Chen Lele walked slowly to the balcony - she had been here more than once, and she wanted to jump from here more than once. And tonight, it's time for her to finally put it into action.

The night breeze was a little cool, Chen Lele lay on the guardrail, took a deep breath, and felt extremely relaxed in his heart. She was even in the mood to hum a song—a nursery rhyme that her mother had taught her when she was a child. In the singing, Chen Lele slowly drilled his body out of the gap in the guardrail, but it was easy to sit down.

She sat on the edge of the balcony in a precarious, precarious position, with her chin propped up in her hands, looking at the crescent moon hanging in the sky.

"You're still exactly the same as what I saw when I was a kid, and you haven't changed at all......"

"Do you feel lonely like me when you stay in the sky so high and so far away?"

"But today, I'm going to change and end this loneliness. In that world, there must be a lot of people with me. ”

"Jump down, and you'll be in vain......"

The last sound, as light as a murmur, disappeared into the deep night sky as soon as it came out.

Chen Lele propped himself up, ready to move himself forward............

"Lele, what are you going to do?!" The sharp female voice pierced the night sky, and Chen Lele's action about to jump down suddenly stopped.

(Explain, when I wrote this, I felt that I couldn't write it right, so I read it myself and started to overhaul it.) ）