The day before I left for Durango, I didn't expect to get into an argument with Mr. Ann, and the fuse was because he found the remaining half of my cigarette case in the compartment of a camera bag I hadn't used in a long time.

Mr. An's face was blue at that time, and the air pressure was so low that it seemed that the air around him had formed an atmospheric pressure layer by itself, and there was a sign of cooling and rain immediately.

"Explain!"

In the living room, Mr. Ann and I were on one side, and he stood at the foot of the steps, leaning back against the wall. I sat cross-legged on the couch, not facing him, facing the opposite wall and watercolors.

"He Xi." Mr. An's voice lowered a few decibels, "I'm not questioning you now, I'm trying to ask you to explain it to me." ”

I shifted my position and turned my face to him, but I didn't know how to explain it to him. I have been smoking for a long time, at first I occasionally had no addiction to smoking, occasionally only one when I was irritable, and then I had a little craving, two or three cigarettes a cigarette, but I couldn't let myself have the smell of cigarettes, and I didn't smoke often. In foreign countries, Japanese cigarettes, American cigarettes, Korean cigarettes, I have smoked a lot of several brands that I am used to, this pack of Shanghai Double Happiness, the time is too long, I don't remember when I bought it, I have no impression.

But this pack of cigarettes, I did smoke it, and I have nothing to say about that.

I said, "It's mine, and I smoked, but this was before I quit smoking, and you see I forgot that there was a pack of cigarettes in this old bag, and if I remembered, you wouldn't have seen it." ”

Mr. An was going to be a little angry, but he couldn't get angry anymore and asked me, "He Xi, why do you smoke?" How long have you been smoking? Do you touch this kind of thing when you're at work? ”

I said, "I don't smoke anymore, I quit last year, really." ”

"I quit last year, but at the beginning of this year, you were still smoking when we first met." Mr. An tensed his cheeks, remembering clearly, "You are still in front of me." ”

I bit my tongue so secretly that I couldn't stop crying. I thought that I was crazy at that time, I had to behave calmly and indifferently in front of him, and it was better to show that it was not good to use what to express, and it was better to turn around and leave than to settle accounts after the autumn now. But at that time, when I saw him in the exhibition hall, I was surprised, excited, nervous, resentful, sad, all kinds of emotions were mixed together, I couldn't control my mental state well, I was afraid that he would see it, and I was afraid that I would collapse, and I couldn't control it when I felt that there was a cigarette in my pocket, and I forgot that I had quit.

Seeing that I didn't speak, Mr. An lowered his head and rubbed his eyebrows, "I was almost led astray by you again, and you haven't answered my question yet." ”

I looked at him and shook my head, "Why smoke, I don't remember." At that time, I had just changed schools, and the rented house was far away from the school, so I had to get up early every day to catch the earliest bus to go to school. It is also possible to stay, but at that time my mother has always been in a bad mood, she sometimes locks herself in her room, she doesn't remember to eat, sometimes she goes to the square to feed stray cats, and stays all day, I don't worry about her, and I don't know how to comfort her. One day I was late for morning class again, the third time I was late that month, and this time the professor would have deducted my credits anyway. I suddenly didn't want to go to class, I ran to a deserted school building, and I saw a girl sitting at the top of the stairs smoking, a person I didn't recognize. I asked her what it was like to smoke, and she said it would make her forget the feeling of her worries, and I did. You say how long it has been pumping, from that time to last year, it has been pumping intermittently. Do you touch it at work? Yes, it didn't give me a sense of pleasure, just the initial freshness and excitement. It didn't inspire me, but as I watched the cigarette butt burn to the end, I could feel the soul that I had injected into those works, the souls that these ontologies had given to the images, that they had died, and then they had been reborn. Like "The Boundless Road", what I photographed and recorded was not because I smoked those few puffs, but because every footprint I personally walked over, the end and the rebirth. ”

Mr. Ann had already come to me, and he understood what I meant by those words, and when he found out that I was smoking, it was the same as when my mother found out the truth, not questioning and blaming, but worrying and puzzled, but when they asked me, I couldn't explain it clearly. Just like if you do something bad, do you make any excuses for yourself when you do something bad, of course, there will be a reason at the beginning, but when you get used to it, can you find any reason?

Mr. An said to me: "When you saw a male student in your class smoking, you told me that smoking does not mean that you are a bad child, and not smoking does not mean that you are a good child, but you said that you would never touch this yourself." He Xi said that she hated her grandfather's cough after smoking, do you remember? So I was surprised. ”

Mr. An shook my hand, "Does Auntie know?" ”

"I know before you do." If I hadn't known, I wouldn't have been forced not to touch cigarettes and alcohol after I was hospitalized.

Mr. An said: "You see, it's not just my aunt who is worried about you, but you also scared me. ”

Mr. Ann crouched right in front of me, put his face in my palm and kissed my index finger. "Although the artist seems to be full of infinite creativity on the surface, in fact the effort is not less than that of ordinary people, like a photographer, who pursues the supremacy of aesthetics on the one hand, and wants a clean and pure soul on the other, it is often easy to exhaust himself and work in vain. When the mind is stuck, people will pursue excitement and inspiration, when I can't calm down to draw design drawings, I like to play rock and drink, He Xi, do you still have any quirky habits? Do you drink? ”

My cheeks are hot, faint, those who know the light are like the sun, and this person is too smart.

I said, "I can drink too, and I drink a little harder." ”

Mr. An had a question: "The last time we had a barbecue, I don't remember you drinking?" ”

I pursed my lips and said, "My mom doesn't allow it, I have to get her permission to drink." ”

I thought to myself, if it was just me, I would have drunk secretly, but Mr. Ann was there, and if my mother asked him about it one day, I would be exposed.

Mr. An also smelled something unusual from my answer and asked me, "Is there anything else I don't know?" ”

Helpless, recruited from the truth. I also told Mr. An about the experience of drinking in the middle of the night last year until he had stomach bleeding, but in fact, it was not excessive drinking, nor was he deliberately drunk, but he did not eat on time for several days, and his appetite was not good that day, and he didn't eat anything to cushion his stomach.

However, from the time I was discharged from the hospital to the present, even though my mother has always deliberately spent time on diet to help me recuperate, but for many reasons, my stomach has not been well adjusted until now. Not drinking alcohol is not exactly the reason for quitting drinking, but if you don't pay attention to drinking, you will have a stomachache.

I also talked about the crazy things I have done because of the excitement in the past few years, such as hiking in the wilderness, chasing the light in the Arctic Circle, and going to the extreme rock climbing. On the way to pursue dreams and art, kneel at the intersection of reality and faith, lose, get lost, and then find a new way again. One step earlier, before meeting him again, I found this one back and went in the right direction.

I have always felt that this opportunity is just right, and I did not let He Xi, who had indulged, sacrificed her health, and never returned, met An Jiashu, who had been clean and tolerant of her, and was still the former He Xi, who would not be disappointed in life, would not escape from reality, would not exile herself, and would not get farther and farther away from the person she loved. I also feel that there will be some regrets for us, because during the most difficult and sad time, we can't ask him for help, and in the most lonely and hard solitary journey, there is no support and companionship by his side.

Everyone in the world says that feelings can't withstand too many tests, and it seems that most of them have a happy ending in the end, not because they have shared the wind and rain, but because they yearn for the stability of the years. It is also said that only the feelings that have been tested can be rich in long-term vitality, and they will show the way for their lovers and themselves at the end of the road.

I don't want to make assumptions about what would have become if I hadn't been separated from Mr. Ann over the years, when we had gone through these tests together, freedom and independence were who we were, and that warming up or healing each other was only part of us. The whole of us should be that no matter whether we are with each other or not, no matter where we are, there is a part of our life that is always connected to Him, not for love, but for love.

A few roses on the coffee table have just been sprinkled with water, pink and delicate petals, emerald green leaves, covered with a layer of crystal clear water droplets, like a young girl has just showered a graceful and fresh carcass. The blue sofa and the white walls are covered with watercolors of gray-blue skies and endless wheat fields, which turn into waves of wheat when the wind blows from the balcony. While Mr. Ann was completely obscuring these visions, someone opened the door and entered, interrupting our conversation.

Lin Dong was about to change his shoes on the porch, and while opening the shoe cabinet, he looked inside at us in the living room.

"I'll come back and get some books." He took off his shoes and came in with slippers, "Didn't bother you?" You guys...... Are you discussing something? Why does it look a little serious? ”

Mr. An had his arms folded around his chest, and he had been leaning on the coffee table, but now he stood up and looked at him: "Well, I'm talking about something." ”

"Then you go ahead." Lin Dong smiled at us, raised his hand, and quickly climbed the stairs.

"I'm going to get my camera." I sat up from the couch with too much and too fast movement, startling Mr. An.

He watched me run quickly to the second floor, rushed to the top of the stairs, and shouted up, "He Xi, what are you doing?" ”

I quickly looked back, "Don't move, you just stay there." ”

Two minutes later, I went downstairs in a frenzy and walked back to the living room while opening my camera lens. Mr. Ann followed closely behind me, and when I walked to the sofa and knelt down, gently pushed the camera over the coffee table, and then approached the viewfinder, Mr. Ann paused, raised his hand to his forehead, and took a deep breath.

"He Xi, you're suddenly scary." He slowly approached and muttered, "I thought you were going to do something." ”

I knelt on the ground, adjusted my posture, set the focal length and aperture, fixed the distance, and adjusted it to a satisfactory angle.

I pointed to the left of the coffee table and said to Mr. An, "You go over there and help me hold the frame." I gestured to the wooden shelf hanging on the wall.

When Lin Dong came down from the second floor, I was about to press the shutter and said to Mr. An, "You put your hand a little more to the right, hold it steady, hold it." ”

Lin Dong held the book in one hand and propped up the escalator with the other, and couldn't help laughing when he saw that we were so busy.

"He Xi, you are too capable, it is the first time I have seen Jiashu being instructed like this, and I don't have a word."

I glanced at Mr. Ann, who was also looking at me.

"Really?" I said, "He used to be called back and forth like this a lot, so he should be used to it." ”

After hearing this, Lin Dong put his hand on his stomach and laughed exaggeratedly.

"He Xi, you are so cute. Treasure found, treasure found, both of you are treasures. He said as he walked down with a smile.

I spread my hands towards Mr. An, where did he think I was cute?

"I'm going to go first, I'll see you later." Lin Dong just walked to the porch and took a few steps back, "Oh, by the way, He Xi, are you on the plane tomorrow afternoon, will you leave?" ”

I said to him, "yes." ”

"Invite everyone to have dinner that night, and then go to the movies together."

I glanced at Mr. An first, and before I could say anything, Lin Dong said to me: "I understand, I understand, I still don't bother you to live in the world of two." ”

"Hmm...... Yes. ”

"He Xi and I won't go, I want to stay at home."

Mr. Ann and I spoke at the same time, but he finished before me. Lin Dong looked at him on the left and me on the right, looked at it and smiled again, and said, "That's not going to be sent, have a good trip." ”

After Lin Dong left, I asked Mr. An, "Don't you want to go out and get together with them?" ”

Mr. An looked at me and said, "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, after all, you don't know them well, and you don't need to deal with that because of me." ”

I said, "How do you know I don't want to go?" ”

He raised his eyebrows slightly: "Do you really want to go?" ”

I shook my head, "But I always have to know your social circle, what kind of people you know, what things you usually like, even if I don't know them, or don't understand, but if I feel uncomfortable, then I can choose not to go next time." It's the same with you, you can get to know the people in my circle, participate in my social events, and if you don't like something, you can also bring it up, maybe we don't like it. ”

I said, "Kaki, you don't need to stop meeting with your friends or participating in activities because you are accommodating me, you are still the same as before, you can do whatever you want, and if you are bored, I can accompany you." ”

Mr. An said: "I don't think it's good, don't you think we have very little time together?" Do you get bored with me? ”

I was speechless and looked at the sky, and he was pretending not to understand again.

"He Xi, can't you give me a little more time?" Mr. Ann sighed.

I said, "Isn't that just to spend as much time with you as I can right now?" ”

Mr. An looked at the camera in my hand and said, "Then why does it occupy more time than me?" ”

I replied, "The rest of the time is yours." ”

Mr. An reluctantly felt that this answer was quite satisfactory, and said, Am I not yours?

Before I could answer, he asked again: "He Xi, did Auntie always be in a bad mental state when she first went to the UK?" ”

I stomped my foot, thinking that he was bullying the honest man, and said to him, "You have turned the topic too jumpy, and I have just moved myself." ”