In the first three months of arriving in Oxford, the most memorable thing is to walk the Gilvi River Riverwalk every day to see the boats on the river at sunset, and then pass by a Chinese supermarket on the way back, and then go to the bakery to buy tomorrow's breakfast, and go to the supermarket to buy daily necessities for the coming month, and fruits and food to eat tomorrow and the next two days.

I love coming to this supermarket every day before I go home, even if I don't buy anything, just look at it casually and ask casually, but being able to speak my native language freely and communicate with the Chinese-faced salespeople and cashiers always has a sense of home. It was during that time that there was no solace to be found even in the mother.

Loneliness is only in a foreign country, is the teenager does not have to be "given new words to say sorrow", not to go to the upper floor, can understand the taste, even in the most familiar life there is no change, will not turn into smoke and fly away, will not bloom in the fog, every day to be woken up, just like the sound of opening the door at six o'clock in the morning, wake up the voice-activated lights installed under the gate, lights, and then wake up this single-family building.

When I walked out of the yard and turned back to close the iron door, it was always easy to make eye contact with the landlord who lived on the second floor. She seemed to have just gotten up, standing by the window, her hands arranging her hair. Comb the fingers of the right hand, smooth the palm of the left hand, a few strokes on the right, then change hands, a few strokes on the left. The last thing she always saw me was when I had just locked the door with my hand, and she finished her hair, then pulled her eyes back into the warm room, and pulled the glass shut with a bang.

Returning home at 7 p.m., locked out of the yard, the landlady came down in a long knitted sweater, brushing her hair in one hand and holding the placket in the other.

She opened the door and asked, "Forgot the access card again this time?" ”

I nodded slowly, and the lights on the side of the courtyard path came on, hanging under the treetops, and the light cut the space into two spaces, light and dark, and this light was convenient for her, and she saw that I was half muddy, and exclaimed in surprise: "Ah, what's the matter?" ”

I looked down at the torn jeans, the white shirt on my upper body, and the black stains on both sleeves. It turns out that a fall doesn't hurt only at the moment of falling, but the feeling you forget later is remembered by the muscles, staggering step by step, slowing down, and not limping too obviously.

The more painful it is, the more pronounced it becomes.

I told her about what happened an hour ago, and I said that on the way back, I accidentally fell off my bicycle in order to avoid the sudden appearance of the car, and it was a miserable fall, and it was still downhill, and the bicycle also fell out, but fortunately it didn't hit my leg, but I just rolled and broke my foot a little. The man came back later and asked me if I was okay, and I didn't think it hurt anything, so I let him go.

I said, "I don't blame people, that alley is already hidden deeply, and I didn't control the speed." ”

She didn't say anything, went up the stairs, and turned back as she walked home: "Go back to the house early, take a shower and rub some medicine before going to sleep." ”

As soon as the door was closed, the sound of "bangbang" slammed the door sounded, the landlady was shocked, and quickly opened the door, and when she saw me, she would really be crying in pain, and she didn't care about the injury on her palm, and while wiping her face with her sleeve vigorously, she asked her eagerly, her eyes looked reverently, and she didn't dare to blink.

"What about my mother, what about my mother? She's not in the house, do you know where she went? ”

The landlady recalled: "I don't know, I went out in the morning, she wasn't at home? Don't worry, your mother is not a child, she can't lose it. ”

"What if I lose it?" What if I lose it? What to do? The more I think about it, the more anxious I become, and the more I think about it, the more scared I become.

"If she's back, please call me." After saying that, he hurriedly ran downstairs.

The landlady followed behind and shouted, "Where are you going?" Do you know where to find her? ”

"I know." I replied loudly.

Passing through two quiet and ancient alleys, less than a kilometer away from the place where you live, you will see a wide square, surrounded by vaulted baroque buildings from afar, antique, full of Renaissance artistic mood, when the sun is not shining, these streets are like being sealed in books by time, and lines of words are opened, which makes people yearn for and make people feel heavy. There is a Christian church in the west corner of the square, which is also baroque style, but the church in the center of the city always has few people praying, which seems a little lonely and desolate, but in the southeast corner of the square, there is a three-story bookstore, next to a bubble tea shop, there is an endless stream of people here during the day, and it is also brightly lit at night, but it is comfortable and lively.

My mother always liked to wander around the square, and when she was in the worst mood, she spent the whole day on these streets. I have encountered swans roaming the streets, listened to street musicians playing and singing, watched the artworks of street painters, and chatted with wandering poets. I don't have classes on weekends, sometimes I go to the bookstore to read, and my mother sits on the corner of the square basking in the sun, wearing a long floral dress with a dark retro background of azure, the corners of which are fluttering, higher than the swans she admires.

At that time, I never understood what my father was dissatisfied with about a woman like my mother who was born into a famous family, had a noble temperament, and was a passionate and dedicated woman. If I were a man, I would not love enough for such a beauty. At that time, I blamed my father for not only being blind but also blind, not knowing how to cherish, so that my mother was infatuated and wrong, and our family ended up in a broken state.

The mother also often fed the stray cats that appeared in the neighborhood in the square, and she went out with cat food and water during the day, and sometimes picked up one or two weak cats at night to bring back. She is not patient enough with cats, and within a few days she will like the new and hate the old, and when the kitten is healthy, she will give it away to our neighbors who are willing to adopt it. In this way, one by one the cats were picked up by her, fed for a few days, and then sent by her to a kind family one by one.

For a while, the residents of our community have not seen stray cats appear in the vicinity for a long time, some people say that they may have been secretly hunted and killed by the police in this area one night, and some people say that because of the cold weather, the stray cats are hidden. I suspect that the cats in this neighborhood were not all picked up by their mothers, vaccinated, and sent to caring residents, and now they should all be cats with families.

Cats have homes, but people are pitiful than cats. At least when the cat nested in her arms, it made people jealous, I was anxious and worried all the way, the skin and flesh were cracked, and even the wind was mercilessly mocking, but it could enjoy her arms with peace of mind, with her warmth, with her care, why not make people jealous and sad.

My mother came from the mouth of the alley, and when she got closer, she saw me and asked me, "Where are you going?"

I said, I'm looking for you, I'm looking for you.

Go home. The mother said that this cat is timid, and it can't be fed by other cats, and if I don't bring it back, it is estimated that I will starve to death in two days.

I followed, and the cat's pitiful, helpless eyes seemed to have been bullied a lot outside, which made you feel distressed.

I'm also quite pitiful, don't I feel distressed? Look at me, look at me, am I no more pitiful and distressing than it?

I said this in my heart, and I turned around and laughed at myself, saying that I wanted to fight with this beast for what wind and what kind of jealousy.

When I got home, I said hello to the landlady who lived on the opposite door, sorry to disturb her tonight.

The landlady looked at me worriedly, and stopped talking, but she said good night, she was going in to rest.

It was a very hard time for my mother and for me. The two of us are like this stray cat, with faint wounds, each using our own methods to heal in invisible places, but we do not hug each other and lick each other for warmth. At that time, we all pinned on time to comfort and heal us, and our mother pinned on time, so that she could get out of the pain of losing her father, the grievances and regrets that she couldn't love. I put my hope in time, that she can get back on her feet, that I don't have to worry about what she will do to hurt herself, that I will lose her, that as time goes by, she will be able to see me behind her and only be my mother when I need her.

Later, time really diluted the scars in our hearts, and only subtle ripples remained in the monstrous turbulence, but I and her had gone from intimacy to estrangement. When I began to know what kind of life I wanted, I followed my dreams and thoughts independently of her, and I moved further and further away from her. After graduating from school, traveling and working, my mother always said that she could not participate in my decision-making, I think it was probably due to the influence of this period of time, I have become accustomed to taking responsibility alone and taking responsibility for myself, and I think in my heart that I can be good without her care.

I told Mr. An that although she restrained herself intellectually at that time, she was afraid that she would be more sad when she said these words, and she understood her mother emotionally, but she still felt wronged occasionally, and she still feels indebted to me to this day, because she ignored my feelings at that time.

When Mr. Ann heard this, he asked why I had never mentioned these things in my letter to him. I said, I don't know why, maybe I think I've grown up, maybe I think I've grown up, maybe I'm insecure. I can't give myself a sense of security, and I don't expect to be able to get comfort from others, maybe I look forward to it, but I am always afraid of becoming a burden to others, and I am afraid that expectations will turn into disappointment, and disappointment will eventually turn into resentment.

When two people are together, the more they care about each other's feelings, the more burdened they are. Too independent, afraid of making the other party guilty, too dependent, afraid of making the other party hard, how to master this degree, probably no one can figure it out.

Mr. Ann is a very responsible and gentle person, and when I finished talking to him, he was silent for a long time, and I guess he must have begun to struggle inside, and he would blame himself while cherishing me. Although I don't like him to feel sorry for himself, I have a purpose, and it is good for him to pity me once in a while, as long as he does not run away from himself and does not run away from me. But the next day he still didn't want to look me in the eye and perfunctory my closeness, and I was really a little angry.

Whether or not, love is careful. My husband only said that love is innate, and there is no need to learn it, and he definitely didn't teach me at that time, love needs to be practiced and learned.

After tidying up my things, Mr. An carried my two large suitcases downstairs, and it was a fine sweat in the summer. I handed him the car keys and suddenly felt like I was really leaving, and it was like a dream.

On campus in Ann Arbor, it was as if everything was starting from scratch, taking study halls together, visiting the library together, eating the worst and best meals in the school cafeteria, dressing up as a couple, making graduation brochures, feeding white doves in the Trevi Fountain, and riding bikes together next to the fountain. In the last two days, we indulged in visiting the night market and tasting local specialties, although I don't know if we ate too much and couldn't adapt to the soil, and the next day we had a stomach upset. This time passed easily and freely, like a comfortable and free time that I had never had, the time spent wandering in the courtyard, and the person who returned home holding hands with the sun from east to west, was also the one I waited with him for the twilight to deepen.

I asked Mr. An, "What I regret you didn't do with me during college, is it really done?" ”

Mr. Ann nodded.

"Then you won't want to be here?" In a few days, he was going to leave Detroit for Denver, and by that time I would have arrived in Springs, 101 kilometers away.

Mr. An sighed and said, "I can't bear it now, but it's time to leave, I really want to say that there are still any regrets, but after graduation, I found that there is only a little bit of things that I can take away."

He asked me: "He Xi, is it true that only at the moment of goodbye will you find that the time used to say goodbye is too short, maybe you will forget that feeling when you think about it in the future, and then people will naturally have a new beginning."

I said, "Yes." ”

"What if a person is both affectionate and nostalgic? Is it that when everyone else is gone, only he stays where he is to say goodbye? ”

Mr. An said to me, He Xi, Auntie is just too affectionate and nostalgic, don't go too fast and too far, she needs someone to wait for her.

Mr. Ann also said that he is also a long-term and nostalgic person, and asked me not to be disappointed in him if he did anything wrong. He agreed with me, just like when we were children, we can say sorry and like words reluctantly, anything can be taken out to communicate, don't give up silently, don't say goodbye in my heart, if you can, please be a little more patient, when one party really goes farther, there is a chance to turn back, and it is also a chance for two people.

Mr. An is a heavy promise, and he will only be relieved if I agree, and of course he is also an overseer. In the eyes of others, my temperament is more free and casual than his, if there is really any uncertainty in this relationship, it seems that the insecure person should also be him. But only I know that he is loyal, so he is very sincere and honest to himself and others, I am a man is more lucky, so sometimes I am self-righteous, and I will deceive myself, only people like him, if you really let go is free and easy, I am like this, I am afraid that it is not clear if I let go.

Therefore, people who really understand love will say that those who have regrets because of love are not who is more wrong and who is less wrong, not who loves more and who loves less, but who is not honest enough to love themselves and others.

At the age of three and a half, my husband taught me how to know love, and when I was about to turn twenty-seven, Mr. Ann told me what he thought love was.

I sometimes don't understand, like him, who lost his parents at birth, lost his grandmother at an early age, spent a miserable childhood, and grew up alone, why there is so much warmth and love in his heart, and so many places where the sun can shine, maybe this is what Mr. said is talented, talented? It was my husband who had been bitten and kissed, and although the bite wound still hurt, the kissed bite was always sweet. Later, I thought, yes, it's the little talent and spirituality that I lack, so it's always safe and satisfying to have him by my side.

On the eve of the Chinese New Year in 2017, we picked up my mother in Nanjing, and on the plane to Vancouver together, I finished the last word, turned my head and asked Mr. An very seriously: "What New Year's gift do you want?" ”

Mr. An glanced at the rising sun outside the window, put his hand on my lower abdomen, and replied to me very seriously: "He Xi, we want a child." ”

He said, let him be a father.

I shook his hand and I said, "Okay." ”

I look forward to it, I yearn for it with him, when from dawn to twilight, we, and our children, will be together and not abandon each other, love each other, and never be separated.