I had a new home before my 8th birthday, but the day I moved to my new home was not happy because I knew that from today onwards, I would never be able to eat the food my grandmother cooked for me again, and she would never hold me again and say goodnight to me before I went to bed. I can no longer hide in her arms and cry, I keep my thoughts about her in my heart, even if I am sad, but I can't cry.

My aunt locked all my belongings and my grandmother's belongings in the old house we used to live in, and she only asked me to bring my books and my clothes out, and I took pictures of my grandmother and me secretly and put them in the innermost compartment of my school bag. After a long, long time, this was the only thing I had that had anything to do with her.

My aunt said that moving out of the old house was a new beginning, and that I should not mention all the previous things, but in fact, I knew that my aunt did not want to hear anything about my grandmother, she hated her, and she did not even want to hear anything about her from me, let alone see my reluctance and longing for her.

While dealing with my grandmother's funeral, my aunt also lived in our old house, and there were two places in the house that she never entered, and my grandmother's room and kitchen. During the day she has to go to work, and in the evening she will come to entertain the neighbors who come to mourn, and because she is very busy, she will spend the night here.

One time I woke up after falling asleep and saw that she was sitting on the sofa in the living room and still hadn't slept, because there was no fire in the house, so every time she would come back from outside packing meals. At that time, there was an unpacked takeout box on the table, and there was a photo of her grandmother on the other side's cupboard, she leaned back on the sofa and stared at the photo, looking at it, she suddenly became angry, and then walked straight to the cabinet and used a lot of strength to buckle the photo frame.

At that time, I was so frightened by her anger that I quickly hid in my room. I curled myself up in the bed, afraid that she would implicate my anger against my grandmother, and I always felt that when my grandmother's funeral was over, she would leave me alone, I had been waiting for that day, but I wanted her to leave me here instead of taking me to a strange place and leaving me, so I would rather be an orphan forever.

I'm going to find a chance to get away and come back when my aunt gives up on me because she can't find me, and finally this opportunity is on the day of my grandmother's funeral.

I walked away while everyone else wasn't noticing, I walked out of the cemetery and into the nearby woods, it had just rained that morning, the grass in the woods was covered with water droplets, my shoes were quickly wet, my feet were soaked in the rain, I felt cool, I walked fast, I felt like I was finally free, although I was lonely, I even felt hopeless. I feel like I'm like the grass in these woods, the sun isn't mine, the mud and dampness are mine, inconspicuous and unnoticed.

I felt my eyes get wet, I walked crookedly, I felt like I was about to fall, I wanted to stop and cry out loud. But just as tears welled up in my eyes, I heard someone behind me.

It's He Xi, He Xi, she has been following behind me.

Maybe I was so caught up in my own grief that I didn't notice someone behind me until she shouted at me, "Hey, where are you going?" I don't know, I don't seem to hear it, my vision of her whole person is blurred, I feel like I'm about to take it anymore, but I don't want to cry in front of her, so I yelled at her, I let her go, I told her to get out, I asked her not to follow her again.

But He Xi is very stubborn, it's useless for me to let her leave, I take a step forward, she takes a step forward, I run, she also runs.

At that time, she was wearing a pair of rain boots, and it was very difficult to walk in the mud, and the mud dragged her shoes as if they were going to drag her down, and I thought she was going to wrestle, and finally she really fell down. When I went back to look for her, she sat down on the grass generously, looked at the mud on her shoes and pants with disgust, and said to me, "Hey, don't run anymore, I'm going to be exhausted." ”

Many, many years later, when I was playing a game of truth or dare with a friend, someone asked me what was the most memorable moment in my life, and the first picture I remembered in my mind was that day, when I was so sad that I couldn't help it, I turned around and saw He Xi standing there, I looked at her through tears, I couldn't see her expression clearly, but as soon as the tears fell, she stood under the green shadow-dappled branches, and the sun shone on my face.

It was my fourth year in the United States, and the letter from He Xi did not arrive the day before Christmas, I was distraught all day on Christmas Eve, I did not receive any new mail in my mailbox, I called the person in charge of the letter delivery at the post office at the school, and there was no letter sent to me from Oxford.

After celebrating Christmas Eve with my friends, when I went back, my friends called me again and asked me how I planned to spend Christmas tomorrow, and I was on my way to the airport at that time, I thought I was going to spend this Christmas with He Xi, I missed her, I couldn't control myself at all.

My self-control was always good, but that day I just wanted to see her right away, even if I had to break the promise I had promised to He Xi's father not to bother her until she finished her own studies, even if my aunt advised me not to let myself sink into this doomed relationship, and I promised her before coming to the United States that I would stay here until I finished my studies and would not delusion about things that did not belong to me.

But that day I wanted to leave all these concerns behind, not caring about other people's opposition, I thought of He Xi's side, because they didn't know, I believe this is never a relationship without response.

He Xi never stopped writing to me, at first it was not fixed, sometimes more and sometimes less in a month, and then slowly became a month, slowly, sometimes every few months. The email address I registered in China has long been gone, and He Xi is the only contact person for this mailbox.

Whenever I receive a letter or email from her, I am very happy. In her letters, she writes about the things she has encountered in recent times that make her happy or sad, most of them are related to her studies and photography, pessimistic or positive, confused or annoying, I want to respond to her, but I don't, I restrain myself.

I rarely replied to He Xi's letters, and I wanted her to think that I had long since received the emails she wrote to me, but in the end I couldn't help it. On my birthday and New Year's Day, I couldn't control myself, and I wrote back to thank her for her concern and hello, and I felt chilling compared to her sincere concern for her politeness and detachment. I think if He Xi was in front of me, she would definitely slap me a few times. Because we are so far apart, because He Xi has always been there, I seem to have become fearless.

I didn't see He Xi in Oxford that Christmas that year, and I didn't know until a few days after I returned to Berkeley that He Xi's grandfather had passed away at the end of December, and she had been in China for the entire month of December.

In the year since, I have not received any more emails from He Xi, and even the emails I wrote to her to comfort and mourn the death of her grandfather, He Xi did not reply. That year, I began to apply to graduate school at the University of Michigan at the suggestion of my supervisor, and in the busy days of schoolwork, my life was turbulent and fulfilling, but there was no news of He Xi.

I suddenly felt that this peaceful life was a watershed moment, it separated me from He Xi, maybe forever and ever, I would lose her.

I suddenly thought of the time when my grandmother died as a child, and I thought of the day I left alone from the funeral. If it wasn't for He Xi following me that day, if it weren't for her, where would An Jiashu go that day, and would he start a new life with his aunt, I don't know. If there is no He Xi in the future, I dare not imagine.

The only one who can redeem An Jiashu is He Xi.

In our class, it's hard not to notice He Xi. She is the best student in our class, she is the student who asks the most questions during class, she is the most popular student who can get the children in the class to say a word casually. is such a pampered little princess, I thought her character was either arrogant and willful, or cold and introverted and difficult to get close to, but He Xi's temperament was naughty and lively.

He Xi is very naughty, she will ignore the teachers and classmates she doesn't like, but she won't take the initiative to tease them. Sometimes she is very quiet, studying quietly and listening carefully. Although her personality is a little boyish, she is very righteous, she will not be used to seeing the tiger bully in the class bully the timid classmates and stand up for them, and she is not interested in the things that the little girls in the class are worried about. This has to do with her intelligence, with her family background, and with the disciplined education she received since childhood.

Such He Xi, even if his grades are the best in the class, he is still meticulous in his studies. He Xi's brother is very, very powerful, in order not to lag behind her brother's achievements, He Xi's study is very stressful and hard. I have a weak foundation, and I want to improve and get good results, and I am also very stressed and hardworking

Later, in retrospect, the time when He Xi and I were urging each other and studying together was the most nostalgic and unforgettable day in my student days. At that time, she worked hard to keep herself in the first place in order not to let Jiang Li look down on her, and I worked hard to improve my ranking in order not to fall behind her, and even I hoped to help her in her studies. Because I know that my grades are getting better and better, and the people around me are really happy for me, except for my aunt, she is the only one.

He Xi said in private that she was my little teacher, and she was the one who opened my elm head, and after she finished speaking, she would add that she was joking, and she didn't need to pay attention to her narcissistic statement. But I'm serious, because it wasn't her who led me and influenced me, and I wouldn't have been so passionate about learning for so long.

At this time, He Xi recognized the truth, and she said to me: "An Jiashu, you are already very smart, and you can study well without anyone or because of anyone." Although I didn't want to lose to Jiang Li, I think the good grades were not because of him, but because of myself. ”

Although sometimes you have to admit that some people are destined to make it difficult for you to surpass, in the end, He Xi maintained a record of being equal to Jiang Li's grades for many years, and his English scores were broken. For this reason, He Xi gave up on herself, but in a few days she would be resurrected with full blood.

She said to me: "An Jiashu, I figured it out, I can't compare with Jiang Li like this, although I am not as good at reading as him, but his artistic cells are not as strong as mine." I can write, draw, and photograph, and Jiang Li can only play his violin. ”

He Xi is sometimes like a little adult, she is sensitive but not hairy, the children in our class are still comparing who brings more snacks than anyone today, I don't want to go to school and need parents to coax her, crying and crying, He Xi has discovered her own interests and started to take interest classes, she also goes to calligraphy classes on fixed weekends every week, and likes to make handmade furniture, but He Xi never shows off these to others. He Xi is bold and full of energy, and only when she makes a mistake impulsively and willfully, she quickly gives up, because she is afraid that her grandfather will punish her.

He Xi's grandfather was very strict with her, and if He Xi caused any trouble at school, her grandfather would ask her parents to send her to his house and be disciplined by him. Grandpa He seems to know everything, He Xi made a big mistake, Mr. Jiang and his wife helped their daughter cover up, and in the end they will be exposed by him, and then He Xi can't escape the punishment plan that Grandpa He made for her.

His discipline method of He Xi is also very special, there is no corporal punishment education, but let He Xi copy the famous books, not casually, it is only after Mr. has read and said that it is passed, He Xi said every time that she never wanted to see her calligraphy teacher again, but every time she was handing in her calligraphy homework.

When I was in the sixth grade, the children in the class didn't know why they started to play the game of chalk throwing, the teacher in the class wrote with chalk on the blackboard, and the classmates below fought with chalk strips, you throw me, I throw you again. Coincidentally, a chalk strip hit He Xi who was writing, He Xi got angry and threw the chalk back, but the boy used a book to bounce out, but unfortunately, it hit the face of the teacher who had just turned around, and the chalk ash entered the eyes and swollen the teacher's eyes.

After school, He Xi dragged me and Jing Yao to walk home slowly, and on the way she said to me worriedly: "It's over, An Jiashu, last time my grandfather just asked me to copy the Book of Songs, this time the teacher's eyes were swollen, and he will definitely let me copy the book again." ”

Jing Yao said: "Then what should I do, He Xi, you can hide in my house." ”

He Xi said: "No, your mother and my mother are so familiar, she will definitely come to me." ”

Then she said to me, "An Jiashu, I'll go to your house, my parents will definitely not think of me at your house." ”

I know what He Xi is worried about, I want to help her, but I am also a little afraid of my aunt, if she knows that I brought my classmates to the house, I don't know if she will be unhappy. My aunt is very busy at work, because she has to take care of me, so she often brings her work home to do it, she doesn't like the fact that there are many people in the house, and she doesn't like the noise, after dinner, she will ask me to go back to the room early to do my homework, and then she will have a conference call in the living room.

Fortunately, my aunt was going to work overtime in the company that day, and I was secretly relieved, she called and said that she didn't know how late it would be to come back, and she called Aunt Wang, who lived next door to us, and asked me to come to their house for dinner. I decided to hide He Xi secretly at home, so I told her that I could make some dinner by myself.

I plan to let He Xi sleep in my room, and I will sleep in the small room next door, and we will start listening to English after dinner. He Xi suddenly became worried again.

"I don't know if Ah Jing can get my mother, she said that I went to spend the night at another classmate's house, will my mother believe it?" With her palms propped under her head, her pencil between her index and middle fingers, she began to be confused.

At that time, we were about to graduate from elementary school, and the school organized a theatrical show for the whole grade to participate in, and He Xi had a stage play, and at that time, she and Jing Yao came up with the idea that she had deceived her mother and said that He Xi was rehearsing the show at her classmate's house, and she was going to sleep at her classmate's house tonight.

I said, "I'll believe it." ”

He Xi's eyes were clear and bright, and she quickly shook her head in disappointment. I don't know why, she's sure.

I suddenly found that He Xi's eyes would keep staring at one place when she was thinking about the problem, and when she went from being in a trance to being out of her mind, that was when she had already made a decision. She finally decided to call her grandfather and said she couldn't spend the night at my house today because she wanted her grandfather to come and pick her up.

In this way, the bold He Xi mustered up the courage to run away from home for the first time, and in less than 3 hours, she threw herself into the net again.

In the year when I lost news of He Xi, I always think of when we were children, He Xi may now be like a little girl who is worried about something, afraid of something, lost and wants to hide herself, she disappears for a short time, looking for the answer to the question that happened to her.

I believe that He Xi will appear, but I don't know how long she will disappear like this, because I know how much He Xi loves her grandfather and grandmother, and I know how hard their departure hit her, just like when my grandmother left me. I wanted to stay with her and comfort her, but I didn't know where she was, she didn't go back to school, and I sent her a bookmark that she never signed for.

It was a very cold winter in California, and I finally applied for the opportunity to go to the University of Michigan for graduate school, and I enrolled in the spring of the following year. I was going to move to Ann Arbor in mid-January and rent a small house near the school so that I could take advantage of the opportunity to explore the city around the school.

After four years of hard study, everything paid off, and I felt a little relieved, but the feeling of the dust having settled made me feel that I had paid a heavy price.

The New Year is coming, my aunt called me and told me that she misses me, she hopes that I can go back to celebrate the Spring Festival with her this year, and when she enters school, she will come to the United States on a business trip, and we can return together.

I don't want to go back, I don't want to see her, I haven't heard from He Xi yet, I miss her, but I separated from her, and I blame my aunt for this, because if it wasn't for her obstruction, I would have gone to England to find He Xi a long time ago, and I wouldn't have traveled all the way to the United States.

It was she who told me that she would never agree to me being with He Xi, and it was he who told me that He Xi's father had approached her and warned her not to let me obstruct the future of his girl, and not to hinder He Xi from pursuing her own future, so I would never have anything to do with He Xi again.

Stop thinking that those things that don't belong to you, she used to be mine, but she doesn't belong to me in the end. It was my aunt who used the most cruel and vicious words to pronounce the death sentence for my feelings, insulted herself, insulted He Xi, and insulted me. I suddenly realized that for the past few years I wanted to run away from her, I wanted to blame her, I didn't know what kind of feelings to use to face her, in fact, it was always because I hated myself.

Without He Xi's city, I can't go back, it doesn't mean anything to me at all.

My aunt has been a tough person for so many years, as if she was born cold-blooded and invulnerable, she has never shown her dependence and miss me like this, I think I relented, and I finally went back to City B, the city where I only came back after a four-year absence.

On Chinese New Year's Eve 2013, the last day of the year, City B celebrated the festival with fireworks. In the bustling city, everyone has their own belonging, but in this sea of thousands of people, my beloved girl is not among them.

I have never been afraid, I am separated from her by thousands of rivers and mountains, and I am not afraid of the prejudice and arrogance of the world, disturbing and obstructing, but I am afraid that she and I are no longer of the same heart, not under the same sky, afraid that He Xi is too far away from me in her world to be unreachable.

In 2014, on the first day of this year, an uninvited guest came to visit, and it was Jing Yao, who had not been in contact for several years. We went out to dinner alone, and we have changed a lot in the past few years, and she and I are still the same as when we were children, and we don't talk much when we are alone. I wanted to know if she would have any news, Jing Yao first smiled, and then said to me, "Don't you know? Ah Xi's photographic work recently won an international award. ”

She smiled and said, "You must not think of it, Ah Xi has been running outside for a whole year, and she just came back two days ago." ”

From Jing Yao, I learned what He Xi was doing in 2013, she followed a British expedition team, from the extreme south to the extreme north, traveled to countless places and cities, and walked a year's adventure journey, tracing the footprints she wanted.

I know that this is what He Xi looks like, always full of infinite vigor and passion, always maintaining positive power, enough to infect the people around her and give this power to her works. She has long transformed those sorrows, regrets, nostalgia and reluctance into the strength to move forward, and for this reason, every step she takes, she is looking for the answers she wants to find for herself and for the future. And this has always been the way He Xi influenced me.

When I was separated from Jing Yao, it snowed for the first time of the year in the city, and I seemed lonely and thin in the crowd, but my footprints in the snow were so clear. I suddenly understood that even in the days when He Xi was not by my side, I could always feel a power, a power that tied her firmly to me, just like when I was a child.

My heart was beating fast, the blood was hot and hot all over my body, and I rushed home as fast as I could, and I even ran for the last stretch of the road. I ran into the room and turned on my computer, and my mailbox inbox showed that I had new unread messages.

There has never been a moment since my grandmother left me that made me so sad, but at that moment, I felt like I was crying.

I know, she never left me.

He Xi, she is so smart, she must know that I have never left.