My name is Chen Jingyao, Jingkang's Jing means stability and peace, and Yao refers to a kind of beautiful jade, which means precious and beautiful. When I was four years old, my mother told me the meaning of the name "Jing Yao" that she helped me choose the name "Jing Yao", and she hoped that I would have a good and stable life and be cherished by good people.

Ah Xi always said that my name is difficult to write, there are many strokes, and she can't write well after writing for a long time. She didn't know that her character "Xi" was also difficult to write, and it took me two days to figure out the strokes of the character and make it fall in the frame in a regular manner, but I was always easy to write out of line.

It was a long time later that I suddenly realized that when I was young, He Xi and I wrote each other's names, and we had already predicted the future fate of the two of us. Jing Yao, Jing Yao, Chen Jingyao's "Jing Yao" carries good wishes, but it is destined to be unrealistic. And He Xi's "Xi", I can never frame her in the standard box, I want to follow in her footsteps, but I can't jump out of the prison I painted for myself, but I trapped myself in it.

My mother was very happy to leave for a new place, and she slept with me at night, and she had a smile on her face when she told me the story of the little fox, and she even told me that the cunning fox seemed to be cunning, but if it was as powerful as a lion, it would be enough to protect itself, and there would be no such intrigues and tricks, and everyone would shout and fight.

I didn't know it, but at that time, like all children, I liked righteous and cute animals, and I didn't think there was anything cute about foxes.

On the night from City A to City B, our family held a small celebration to celebrate not only our family's housewarming, but also my father's promotion. At that time, my father told my mother that he had met a noble man in City B, and this noble man was someone his mother knew, that is, He Xi's mother, Ms. He Luoqing. At this time, He Xi's father, Mr. Jiang Zhongting, was already in the position of the power center of City B, and he was the superior of my father's superiors.

I never told Ah Xi, I had heard her name before I met her, but at that time, my father and mother called her Xiaoxi, as if it seemed to be close and familiar, I always thought that Ah Xi followed her father's surname Jiang, and later learned that Ah Xi was surnamed with her mother's surname.

When he told my mother this, my mother just nodded with a frown, because she and Ah Xi's mother were very good friends when they were in the army, and she was shocked to hear about her friend's marriage two years after she married my father. Because I couldn't imagine that the daughter of such an unattainable general would finally choose a small civilian cadre in the army.

When my mother was going to take me to visit Ah Xi's mother, my father just told me that I should get along with Ah Xi because Ah Xi was the daughter of his superior. But in my heart, I didn't want to please a girl I had never met.

I was young at that time, I didn't know the difference between families and families, I only knew that my father was an official, my grandfather was also an official, my grandfather was a very famous painter, and my mother was also a well-known artist, she could sing music and Chinese painting. Since I was a child, the children around me were very envious of my parents who were so powerful, which made me very proud. I looked like my mother, my relatives and neighbors would compliment me on my good looks, and in school, I was always a smart kid, and my teachers and classmates liked me very much, and they would always compliment me, which also made me feel very good.

I've been trying to be better, trying to be the best kid I can be, just to please him and make him proud of me, but he can't see anything, and when he says Ah Xi is smart, it's like she's more important than me, which really makes me sad. I felt very unfair, and in a mood of anger and sadness, and jealousy, I waited for this girl to appear.

Ah Xi is very similar to her mother, I have discovered this fact since I first met her, but I mean it is not simply similar in appearance, of course, Ah Xi also resembles her mother, but her eyebrows and eyes are gentle and delicate, more like her father.

The first time we met, I deliberately wanted to show that I was smart, but I was clumsy and ugly, I felt like a dancer who was carefully dressed up and pushed on stage, but the moment I got on stage, I broke my skirt, and Ah Xi easily revealed the identity of the protagonist as soon as she appeared on the stage, telling me that it was time for the substitute group to leave.

When her eyes looked at me with a look of doubt and scrutiny, I looked away, for I was afraid that she would see my weakness. Of course, I'm sure that when Ah Xi first saw me, she could have seen that the two of us were already competing with each other, and that was out of an innate instinct that she should realize that we are all very self-esteem children at nature, and we want to be affirmed, and at the same time we want to be unique.

Until now, I can't tell what is deeply attracted to me in Ah Xi, which makes me want to follow her unconsciously. I think maybe this is a person's aura, a natural talent for leadership, and Ah Xi is the only person I know of my age who has these two qualities. And in our long-term relationship, no matter how close we are, how deep our connection is, no matter whether I live my own life independently of her and have my own career, Ah Xi is in the position of absolute leader in our relationship, and I have always been influenced by her.

At first, Ah Xi was very wary of me, and she was not very good to me, although I was always a little angry, but the next day I would forgive her and continue to follow her. But the reason why I did this was not because my father repeatedly told me to have a good relationship with her, but on the one hand, I was attracted to her, and on the other hand, I wanted to see what kind of real skills this girl had, and I wanted to see if she was false and weak. At that time, I felt like a bad person with bad intentions, "undercover" by her side, waiting for those halos on her body at any time, loving and noble parents, rich and healthy family, smart mind, one day being covered by black light, losing its light, being exposed to its true appearance.

Ah Xi and I officially became good friends on the day she reconciled with me, that day I was bullied by the senior children of the school, it was Ah Xi who came forward to help me, she was very brave to confront those senior students, as if she was not afraid of them at all, of course, with her, and An Jiashu.

I don't really like Anjiashu, I actually don't understand why they come together, because they seem to be people from two worlds, but Ah Xi is very protective of him, I often see them studying together, discussing problems together, and sometimes Ah Xi will play the role of a teacher, helping him with his homework. After going to junior high school, An Jiashu's grades improved by leaps and bounds, and the two were not in the same class, but they still often went to and from school together. On weekends, I would go to bookstores and movie theaters to find them. At that time, Ah Xi fell in love with Lin Yutang's books, and I decided to start writing novels.

At first, I didn't write well, and I often couldn't finish halfway through writing, but Ah Xi always encouraged me, no matter what I wrote, she seemed to be the only one who knew what I wanted to express, and only she knew about my writing novels.

There is a power in Ah Xi that makes others believe in it, as if no matter what I tell her I want to be, she will believe it, and thus make me believe it myself. When I studied Chinese painting with her with my mother's teacher, I said that when I grew up, I would definitely become a more powerful painter than my mother, and Ah Xi would say, I believe in you, Ah Jing, you will. When I started writing novels, I said that I would become a novelist in the future, and Ah Xi firmly believed so.

When we had nothing, after I saw my father's cruel and rough side, those feelings of worry, fear, inferiority, and self-pity engulfed me, and Ah Xi's words were a gentle and firm strength for me. Sometimes I couldn't sleep at night, so I called Ah Xi and said that I had thought of the story I wanted to write again, and Ah Xi listened very carefully, and the plots I made up improvised were really written down by me.

At that time, I didn't have any other friends except Ah Xi, and if the people who could play together were also friends, then An Jiashu was also one. I also did well in school, but I was silent, and my classmates had a very average relationship with me. My father always told me that those children would not let me learn anything by dealing with them, and the only one who was really worthy of my relationship was Ah Xi, so he was very satisfied with the result that Ah Xi and I became good sisters, but in fact, I didn't listen to him to do this, but I really felt that other people were not important compared to Ah Xi, and even except for my mother, I didn't even care about him, I didn't care, I even began to dislike him.

It was a very normal day, after school I stayed to prepare for the blackboard newspaper activity in the class, I don't know, maybe there is really telepathy between flesh and bones, when I got home, I felt a stuffy pain in my chest, I gasped, it felt like every breath was about to tear a piece of meat off me, I heard the sound of things being smashed and smashed from the living room, I was too scared to go in, I kept holding my chest, my fingers grabbed the bag of the shoulder bag, until I reached the roar of my father, And the sound of the mother whimpering and begging for mercy.

I rushed in and saw my mother fall to the ground, the cabinet on the porch covering her lower body, and I could only see her curled up and holding her arms. I tried to run, but she saw me. My mother shook her head at me with tears in her eyes, she struggled in pain, she fell to the ground, her face and arms were still bruised, but she desperately told me not to pass, she couldn't make any sound, she could only keep shaking her head.

I heard the sound of falling things stop, my father scolded, he turned away, and I could only see half of his back, he was wearing a gray-blue shirt, trousers of the same color, and he was struggling to pull the tie around his neck.

When he went out in this dress this morning, my mother escorted him to the door, and he greeted me with a smile. But now, I don't know the man standing in front of me at all, and I can only stare at him fiercely, hoping that he will soon become a vicious wolfhound, and show his true form, so that the man standing before me is not my father, not the man whom I have always admired and regarded as my example. He's a monster, he's not my father.

I knew that my mother had told me to leave as soon as he saw me like this, she didn't want him to know that I had broken his violent behavior against my mother, she wanted to protect me, she didn't want my father to do anything to hurt me when he was provoked, and I had no strength to fight him, enough to protect my mother and myself.

All the violent, sad, embarrassing, and frightening memories that have been forgotten in the process of growing up have all emerged, and I remember them all, when I was young, when I moved to City B with my mother, he had violent behavior towards my mother, but at that time I was locked in the bedroom by him, I don't know how long I was locked up, I only know that in the end it was my mother who picked me up from the ground, and she smiled and said to me, Yaoyao has a nightmare, let's go to bed.

I completely forgot, completely forgot about this horrible experience

I ran out crying, running out like I didn't want to die, I swore that I had never hated someone that way, I didn't know what hate was before, but at that moment, this hypocritical executioner himself taught me what hate was, and I swore hard in my heart that one day when I also put the blade on his neck with my own hands, he would know what that hatred was like.

I don't know how I found Ah Xi, in a street that we used to pass by when we were young, there was a big cherry blossom tree at the intersection, when we used to go to school together, there was a stall selling breakfast near the intersection, and the boss would set up a table or two under the cherry blossom tree, Ah Xi and I, and An Jiashu, we would go out very early, and then sit there for breakfast, and the fire was roasted, fritters, wontons, meat buns, sesame pancakes, everything made by the boss was very delicious.

Since I moved out of that community, there is almost no chance of having breakfast with Ah Xi like this, Ah Xi is a picky and greedy person, with a nose that is more intelligent than a dog for food, and can always find some distinctive and very delicious shops, and eat with Ah Xi, I can't help but think about it. Since I went to another school, the opportunity to accompany Ah Xi to eat and drink like this and feast on food and drink belongs to An Jiashu alone.

I still remember that day when I ran out of the house, I saw Ah Xi at that intersection, and An Jiashu was standing beside her, holding her schoolbag and eating for her. When he looked at Ah Xi's eyes and smile, and the light in Ah Xi's eyes when he looked at him, I realized that they were standing together, so close and beautiful, as if they had nothing to do with others, and no one could blend in and destroy such a picture.

I'm jealous of An Jiashu, I've always been afraid of losing my mother, and I'm afraid of losing Ah Xi, but I'm going to lose my mother, and I'm going to lose Ah Xi, and I feel very sad.

I didn't tell Ah Xi what happened, I slept in her room at night, Ah Xi didn't notice my nervousness and uneasiness, I didn't want to sleep, I was afraid that when I woke up, I would fall into another more terrible nightmare. I even wondered if my mother was dead, but I had been avoiding and ignoring myself, and I didn't want to admit it.

When Ah Xi fell asleep, I carefully probed her breathing, which was very thin and soft, completely different from my mother's. I sneaked out of bed to make a phone call, and in the few seconds I was picked up I put down so many times, I was afraid of getting any result I didn't want, but thankfully God heard my prayers. My mother smiled hard and asked me, Yaoyao, what kind of nightmare are you having again?

She said, good boy, go to sleep, wake up, and see your mother tomorrow.

If I could believe what my mother said, what I saw that night, what I went through was just a dream. I was originally with Ah Xi, but I woke up because I suddenly had such a nightmare, and then my mother told me, yes, Yaoyao, you just had a dream. If I could, I would like to believe, forget, and wake up from it, as I did when I was a child. But I know I don't, and I still feel sad because I know that there is another one that I have been stifled, including my mother.

I used to think that as long as I wanted something, I would definitely try to get it, that was my ambition and my paranoia. I have wanted to be my father's pride since I was a child, and then I did, I have always been jealous of An Jiashu's position in Ah Xi's heart, I want to replace him, but I don't need to compete with him, there has always been a suitable time between him and Ah Xi, but only He Xi and I saw another self in each other at the beginning.

In the summer vacation after the college entrance examination, Ah Xi's parents divorced, and Ah Xi was the last to know, in her words, she was notified, as if it had nothing to do with her, as if she didn't matter, as if she wasn't the original her, and she didn't know her true self.

I've never seen Ah Xi like that, she was like a hydrogen balloon completely let go, like a glass bead rolling without direction, no firm eyes, only confused silence, as if she had grown up and seemed to have become smaller again. I've never felt like this for a moment when the two of us are so pitiful, in such a situation, in such an encounter, in our lives inexplicably, what we have won compared to those ordinary and happy children.

At that time I still wanted to escape from my father's life, from his violence, cruelty and hypocrisy, and from my mother's misfortune, cowardice and vain self-esteem. I endured it for a long time, and finally waited for the day I graduated. I told Ah Xi that I wanted to go to a far, far away place to study alone, and if I could, I would never come back. I said to her, Ah Xi, let's run away together, go to far, far away places, forget everything here, and never come back.

I don't know how much Ah Xi knows, she asked me, do you want to leave your mother alone. I nodded at her, and I said, Ah Xi, we have also abandoned those who abandoned us, it's not that we don't want it first, it's they who don't want us first.

Ah Xi didn't tell me her answer, but the two of us did run away together, without telling our parents, our friends, or An Jiashu, just the two of us, from City B to my late mother's hometown. We took the train, all the way south, sat and slept, and we were not afraid of any hardship.

I was amazed at Ah Xi's simplicity, during the journey, I didn't mention the name An Jiashu to her, although I don't know why Ah Xi didn't bring him this time, and never mentioned him, maybe something happened between them, I thought to myself, although I was full of curiosity, but I gloated. Yes, I defeated him, because I knew that from that day on, the three of us would all go on different paths separately in the future, regardless of whether we could walk together or not, I was the first person to walk with Ah Xi, and even if they forked, it was Ah Xi and him who couldn't go faster.

Ah Xi and I lived in my aunt's old house, which was an old wooden house, with only one floor, four rooms, and a 30-square-meter yard. My aunt passed away when I was 7 years old, I just remember how much she loved me as a child, and I used to live here with her for a while, and then she left me the keys to the house when she died.

The house looked dilapidated and messy, with the same damp and rotten smell as this seaside town, and He Xi and I were so tired that we couldn't bear the sleepiness and took a nap before we finished cleaning up. After the sun went down, we woke up hungry, took the little money left in our pockets and went out to the nearby braised meat shop, and happily had a braised pork bibimbap. With the rest of the money, we bought new quilts and bed sheets, as well as water and dry food for the next two days.

Ah Xi and I didn't bring much money with us, and we didn't know any way to make money, maybe we would soon go hungry, maybe we would have to go to the field and grow our own vegetables, maybe we could consider going to sea with the nearby fishermen and working for them as laborers for free, as long as we had a meal to eat.

There are so many unknowable things in the future, but we don't think about where we will go tomorrow and what we will do, we only think about what we will eat tomorrow. My mood feels happy and relaxed like never before, with Ah Xi here, everything unknown is not terrible, we are so young, we are so naïve, but we are fearless, as long as we can make ourselves happy, we call it brave.

For a week, two weeks, we sat on the couch and read a book, cleaned up the old pots and jars at home, planted vegetables, and went out to sea with the fishermen in the early morning, we watched the sunrise from the sea, we could see the stars at night, and we could see the lighthouse from the opposite island.

Ah Xi left a letter for his grandfather before we came out, not saying where we went, just telling them not to worry about us and not to come to us. If we want to hide, we think we can go further, and if we give up, we can go back. We avoid making that choice, but we always know that the time is getting closer to us making that choice, but it hasn't come to that moment yet.

When Ah Xi came and knocked on my room door in the morning, I knew that the time had come for this choice, and Ah Xi's eyes showed that determined look again, and I knew that she had made her choice. I don't know why I even breathed a sigh of relief, not just for her, but also because of myself.

Ah Xi left the country a week after returning to City B, with her mother, and I decided to go abroad as soon as possible, but I had to make a different decision with Ah Xi, I wanted to cut some ties related to the past and my parents, at least I had to start first. I asked my parents to divorce as soon as possible, and it was different from what I expected, I thought that the father would be the first to stand up against it and get angry, but I didn't expect it to be my mother.

She called me to her room and began to accuse me of not knowing what to do, I dismantled her pretense of strength and vanity, she had never been so angry with me, and we had a big fight, but nothing changed in the end.

I don't know why she still insists on being with my father, isn't that atrocity and false promises enough to see his true colors? Is it love? If there is love between them, there is love between us, why are our hearts so unsettled, we cry like this now, we are afraid like this. That's probably the cruelest thing I've ever said in my life, I said, she never loved me like a mother, protected me, she didn't know what I wanted, what I needed.

In the four years I lived in London, I rarely thought about my old home, my old life, I felt that I had said goodbye to the past completely, and unlike Ah Xi's choice, I ran away and fled to a farther place to start over.

My personality has also changed a lot in those years, I have become more cheerful, I have made a lot of friends, from all countries, from all walks of life, and I fell in love with Beyo

CE, I like to dance, I like alcohol, I have all kinds of activities in the club, I feel very free to live that way. Except for my soul, except that I occasionally miss Ah Xi.

I know that An Jiashu went to the United States, and Ah Xi told me that she has been in contact with him, but An Jiashu rarely takes the initiative to mention herself to her. An Jiashu and I have no contact at all, and our relationship has always been very ordinary, and it is only because of Ah Xi that we seem to be closer. I'm tired of An Jiashu's high-minded and indifferent attitude, but I won't say bad things about him in front of Ah Xi, I'm just a little jealous, I said to Ah Xi, why are you writing so many letters to him, can't you write me more?

Ah Xi said, I have been writing to you, and I have also sent you postcards in different places, and the covers were taken by me personally.

I said, but that's different, right, you write to me because of concern and contact, and write to him because of longing and reluctance.

I think the one I'm asking already knows the answer I want.

Ah Xi told me that she knew what his father had said to An Jiashu, just like the harm her father had done to her mother, she was saving and retaining.

I think Ah Xi is too stupid, I am angry with Ah Xi and don't want to pay attention to her, and when I am angry, I also returned to China and met Fanan, another kind of love in my life that is worth pursuing and paying, my life can finally really start again, not because of the love I lost and begging to find, but because of the new love I got and cherished and cared for.

I had a very fulfilling life in those two or three years, I worked hard, I worked hard to save money, I wanted to buy a house in City A, where three or four people could live, I wanted to change jobs after I bought a house, and go back to City A with my mother, and Feinan could also go over and live with us. My mother and I rarely talked over the years, and when we met, we cried together after a quarrel, and I was still angry at her stubbornness and stupidity, but I think we both started a new life.

I didn't expect her to leave suddenly, as if she just made me dinner, then said go out and buy some salt, and never came back.

I wonder what has become of us over the years, because we have gained so much but lost so much, time, home, happiness and even life. My mother and I regretted it for nothing, regretted it so much, and my father, he looked at it coldly, as if he had never entered our lives.

When my father told me that Fei Nan was a trustworthy person and a person he could trust, I suddenly went back to my childhood, and he said to me, Ah Xi is Mr. Jiang's youngest daughter, you have to be friends with her, you know? All wishful thinking is wishful thinking. It dawned on me that to this day, I still haven't woken up from my nightmare.

I wrote a letter to Ah Xi that day, and I said in the letter, Ah Xi, you said that everyone has their own original sin, has their own way of living, has the right to face the truth, and has a way to redeem after knowing the truth, I understood too late, when I want to save it, there is no such opportunity, but I always feel that it is more important to see the truth clearly, and the person who should be punished will finally wear shackles and accept punishment.

After this letter is written, tomorrow I will wake up from my dream, sorry to wake me up in such a way, only you know that I am happiest at that moment.