In the dream, I was walking home alone when I met a man when I was about to reach the door. This man was very familiar, and I vaguely felt that I had a strong love for him, but I couldn't tell who he really was.

Vaguely, I heard a voice from the depths of my heart that was my mother's ex-husband (this dream is contrary to the truth, because my parents have never been divorced), and it can only be my father, my first boyfriend Ah Jun, who is holding a little boy who is more than five years old, looking at me with a pair of watery eyes and smiling, so good.

The man said, "I committed a crime a long time ago, and I was exposed, and this time I can't escape, and now I will suffer from 18 years in prison." But his hard-working child, with no one to take care of him, hopes I can take it back.

The little boy didn't know that he was going to be separated from his father, but he still looked at me stupidly and smiled, and that smile was like a peony flower in April, warm and full of joy.

It was November, and it was very cold, and the little boy was still smiling at me in an old single coat, which made me feel sorry for me.

I squatted down and took his little hand and told him that when I got home, someone would buy you new clothes. He jumped and jumped happily ahead of me.

We didn't know why we had to climb over a wall on our way home, and he climbed up and I reached out and pushed him, Peng......

I was awakened.

In my dream, I saw the little boy smile for the first time, familiar and warm, he seemed to have imprinted his smile deeply on my heart, imprinted on my cerebral cortex.

Who is it? Who has such a warm and sweet smile that makes me feel so good. Who could this be? I was thinking for a while.

Isn't that me? In the eyes of others, she loves to grin silly and be a girl. But he's a boy, and there's a little bit of charm between his eyebrows.

My mother was the first to leave in my dreams, then my brother was twisted by the neck, my best friend was punished for skipping class, my ex-boyfriend was sentenced to 18 years in prison, and even my father was sentenced to 18 years in prison, but before he left, he still hugged me and loved me, and in the dream, I was just a little boy of five or six years old.

At this point, the people in my life who have had a profound impact on me have appeared one after another, and it is time for me to appear on my own.

But why did I appear as a boy of five or six years old? It's incredible.

This stems from my denial of myself, thinking that since I was a child, I didn't agree that I was a girl, or that I felt more like a little boy in my bones.

It's just because my parents wanted boys when I was young, and they even wanted to trade with someone else's child for a boy. Or give me away and have another boy.

However, the truth is that they left me and gave me more love and care than my two older sisters and younger brothers, and I still grew a heart that was almost cold.

I am willing to treat myself as a boy in order to get their love, to satisfy them, to get more attention and more love from them.

But in reality, I grew up in a small society at home and school, and deep down in my heart I was inhibited from growing by the denial of not conforming to this environment. Then he existed in his most primitive and immature way, undisturbed.

I'm an adult, and I'm still a little boy at heart, and that's how I've always existed.

Psychology refers to this phenomenon as the inconsistency of mental age with biological age.

Why is this happening? In the process of growing up, each of us often encounters all kinds of frustration and pressure, without an effective support system and learning ability, we will not be able to adapt to the changes in the living environment, we will close the door to the people and things around us, even if we have experienced frustration and happiness, we will be thrown into the black hole of memory together with the emotions at that time, and I would rather never remember it again.

But he couldn't bear the situation that he had nothing, and he was independent of the vast world like a wanderer, so he was willing to be a scavenger, picking up the most important piece of his heart in the long song of the years, and putting it together as the treasure map he wanted.

The little boy's heartfelt smile was the look of my heart's desire. But my smile was so fake and painful that sometimes I couldn't tell whether I wanted to cry or laugh. I tried my best to hide the sadness in my heart, but I was accidentally noticed by an attentive girl, she asked me, are you crying or laughing, I was confused by your expression. Who can understand this kind of torn pain, I have deceived myself for many years.

It was a very cold day in November, and the little boy was dressed in shabby single clothes, and in my dreams, his smile was like a white orchid blooming in the snow, warm and pure.

I told him that someone would buy you new clothes when he got home. This stems from the fact that I have two older sisters, and for as long as I can remember, until college, I have been wearing the clothes worn by my two older sisters, the older ones and the smaller ones, and very few new ones.

Not long ago, when I went to my sister's house, my sister gave me a big bag of winter clothes and said, "You are still a student, you can probably wear these clothes." ”

But my strong self-esteem made me very rebellious and unwilling to accept anyone's help. I thought to myself that I would rather have no clothes to wear, even my own shabby clothes, than wear clothes that others say they have not worn a few times, even if this person is my own sister.

Other people's so-called good clothes are shabby compared to others' eyes, my inferior complex nerves in my bones have been stimulated, and the nerves of self-protection and self-esteem have also been activated, but I am poor but unable to bear the lack of material, and my heart is extremely ashamed.

However, on the other hand, I will take it again because I need it. This acceptance of mine carries with it a mixed experience of self-denial, not gratitude.

Strong self-esteem makes me suffer from mental torture, but my heart is extremely eager to be fulfilled and loved, but what is love, I still have no ability to feel love, that's all.

I like that little boy very much, but his death is also longed-for for a long time. The cruelty to him stems from the fact that I want to be cruel to myself. There can only be one self in the world, and it is also a disaster if I can't unify myself.

His existence is a secret hidden in my body for a long time, and even I have been deceived. When I knew his existence and had evil thoughts, he appeared, and his appearance came to say goodbye to me, so that he would not be eaten up by evil thoughts, and he left happily, and I should live happily.