After graduating from the first semester of high school, standing at the crossroads of arts and sciences, although I first felt that I wanted to choose science and make it my lifelong pursuit to engage in science work, there were still countless thoughts in my head. Even during the summer vacation, every day I worked in the cornfields, I was thinking about whether I should study liberal arts or science.

One afternoon, my mom heard out where we started to divide arts and sciences and suddenly asked me, "You have a liberal arts and sciences major, do you choose liberal arts or science?" ”

"Science." I looked her in the eye and said unabashedly.

She had always grinned and bared her teeth and smiled and spoke, but suddenly fell silent. Then after a long time, he said very cautiously, seriously and cautiously: "I think you are suitable for studying liberal arts, or you should change to liberal arts!" ”

At that moment, I was deeply aware that my mother, who has always been very smug and does not hesitate to joke, will also have times when she chews many times before spit out a sentence or two. But when I heard this, I resolutely said, "No, I'm going to study science." ”

It seems that at that time, I had to try my best to show my stubbornness in everything other than sweating and hard work, so that I could show that I had good qualities such as perseverance and steadfastness.

However, I vaguely remember that on the first day of registration for the second year of high school, I was thinking, "Should I ask my cousin to change my wish to liberal arts?" "It must be easy to change to liberal arts, right? "Why don't you change it to liberal arts?" "Maybe the teachers think I'm suitable for studying liberal arts, right? "Why don't you change your ambition to a liberal arts?" "But why am I just unwilling to choose liberal arts? "Wouldn't it be easier if I changed to liberal arts? ”……

I even began to daydream again, fantasizing about what my life would be like after choosing a liberal arts major.

The important thing is that I may lose Wu Yang as a friend deep down. "Will Wu Yang also want to change his will?" "What if she doesn't want to?" "Wouldn't it be cool for me to do this......".

After a fierce ideological struggle, in order to show the cool side of my personality, I finally made a decision not to mention the change of my will. The subconscious also told me unwaveringly, don't hit the south wall and don't look back.

After all, the right direction that determines the trajectory of a life is not one thing, one force, but the combined force of many things and many forces. And even if a person hits the south wall in one thing, the reason why he chooses to turn back in this matter mainly depends on the reason and help of the original impact.

This is like a billiard ball on a billiard table, in addition to the angle, the most important thing is friction. Therefore, even if you look back, this does not mean that the trajectory of life will go in the so-called right direction, after all, there are too many events that determine the trajectory of life, and the combined force of all events is the direction that determines the trajectory of life.

Since it is impossible to predict the reason for hitting the south wall and the angle of deviation of the trajectory of life, and how to add force to correct this problem, why not walk around the south wall or plant a giant tree at the foot of the south wall and climb up.

And I think it's not easy to get to the heel of the south wall, and I accidentally hit the south wall. Is it the best solution to hit the south wall and turn around?

Obviously, my life inevitably hit the south wall. Since it was inevitable to hit the south wall, I thought about what kind of wall I hit on the spot.

Why study science when it's easier to study liberal arts? The main reason is that science can make life a little easier. For example, as adults say, it is easy to find a job, easy to get a job, and make a lot of money. Another example is to learn mathematics, physics and chemistry well, and you are not afraid to go all over the world.

So, in order to live, as I grew older, I turned my back not only on myself, but also on the literary dreams that were rooted in my soul as a child. The main reason is that it hit the south wall.

Literature belongs to the category of art, and art is shaping a virtual super-large multi-dimensional space world through sensory organs, and the theme of the multi-dimensional space world is "eternity". Great literature is like rushing to a battleship to "eternity", but the process of creation is like a person's bare hands swimming, suffocating again and again, and then being washed back to the shore by the waves, without knowing the other side.

My literary dreams stumbled and shattered before I could go to sea. So, my mind threw this dream into the black hole of memory like garbage, chose to turn back, and a dream of being a mathematician grew in my heart.

Actually, I once had a dream of becoming a mathematician. It's just that I can't tell when, where, and why this dream was rooted. But I've always dreamed of becoming a great mathematician.

I didn't wake up until two months after I went to college, after I had been auditing a math teacher's class for a month.

"I didn't take it very seriously since I was in high school or even junior high school. Including the restudy, I lived a muddy life, so I went to repeat later. I remember that even two weeks before the college entrance examination, I was still chasing a TV series called "The Nth Power of Home" in an Internet café.

Later, I was admitted. And I scored 115 points in mathematics, and in the first college entrance examination, I only scored 75 points, and I don't know what I like, I think I like mathematics, I want to learn mathematics, and I can work in mathematics in the future......"

It seems that not long after the beginning of the university, in a nature and geography class, I introduced myself and my hobbies, and I told the whole class and a female teacher so sincerely.

After listening to me, my teacher told me and other students in a serious and responsible manner, "Mathematics is just a tool, and knowledge is just a tool." And we all need to master a skillful tool ......", and finally go from a follower to a pioneer, which is the feeling of "only doing one thing in life".

It wasn't the first time I had heard such words, but it seemed to have power at that moment, a power called to shock and penetrate the soul, which woke me up from a mathematician's dream, but it was only a pipe dream.

Looking back in time and looking back, I don't know if I really liked math or if it was just an obsession. How so?

This has to start with the blooming of wisteria roses in 2010.

In April of that year, when the waterfall-like wisteria was in full bloom, a sudden cold wind covered the spring campus flower beds with white snowflakes. The town, which hasn't snowed much throughout the winter, is suddenly attacked by a cold spring.

The snow made the noble purple meet the holy white, and the scene remained in my mind like a picture for ten years. I can't imagine the moment when the steaming breath of life of the fresh and fiery wisteria was suppressed by the cold white, it was grief or despair, but I didn't expect to achieve a spectacular scene in the eyes of people.

There is a place where there is a word to describe it is called "the four seasons are like spring", and that year, there was also an adjective on our campus called "spring is like the four seasons".

It was also that year, in my world, that time stopped.

While everyone was moving forward, I was stuck in my senior year of high school, and I didn't come out for a long, long time.

It was not long after I entered the third year of high school, and I was admitted to the hospital once, as if my soul was trapped in a white sheet in the hospital. It wasn't until I was hospitalized again that my soul seemed to return to my body.

That's an exaggeration. However, I think that's what it is.

But I remember one time in class, I suddenly started crying in a sad way. The homeroom teacher and math teacher called me out and asked me:

"Is it your tablemate's problem?"

"It's not."

"Is it me?"

"It's not."

"That's another teacher's"

"Neither, it's my own problem."

"Hey, you kid••••••"

••••••

••••••

At that moment, tears burst like a. The way back to the classroom is a long road that has never been walked. I began to be unable to describe my inner world in words, I knew that everyone was for my good, and every word they said was good, but I just didn't like to listen, I couldn't be flexible, and I wouldn't change my mind flexibly, and then I turned all my resistance into silence.

I was trapped in this kind of misguided kindness and couldn't get out. And depending on it, deep down, I have always kept a safe psychological distance from everyone.

I remember that it was 10 years ago in May, less than a month before the college entrance examination, and I walked into the examination room alone with my head covered and my head covered during a math mock test. After I walked to the last row and sat down, a girl complained unintentionally, "Why are you so stupid......"

I was suddenly awakened. I saw her eyelids raise slightly, point to the empty seat in the first row and say, "Don't you see someone sitting here?" ”

I stood up, and my heart was devastated. The nerves also collapsed to the extreme at that moment. This is the reality that I have never dared to face.

My cleverness is just an illusion, and others just talk about it. My stupidity is a thorn in my heart that touches my nerves all the time.

I've spent five years thinking irritable, quiet, idle, and racking my brains. Painful, helpless, confused just want to have an answer.

However, a classroom, an exam, a seat, an unintentional word, and a patchwork of empty words have become the master key to answer all questions.

In fact, I'm just mentally retarded. A mentally retarded longs for an Einstein-like education, and the result is hope, then disappointment, and finally despair, until death. If time had made me know that I was mentally retarded from the beginning, then I would have done what I did, and I was trying to do something that I couldn't do, and I would probably be satisfied at the moment.

Time has long healed my wounds, but it still hasn't given me an answer, leaving only rusty stains. I've been stubbornly seeking a place that's nothing more than a virtual world, nothing more.

Many years later, I finally understood a truth. For an individual who is above feeling, he originally thought that only the people and objects he perceived were the real world, but in fact, many times, what we see with our eyes and hear with our ears is also the real world, but the conscious mind knows it, but the subconscious mind is full of personal fantasies.

This huge system, like a shepherd's pasture, needs to produce a steady stream of wool, and Carmela's chicken coop also needs to produce a steady stream of eggs, but people are like a screw, supporting the operation of the system.

Everyone needs to master one tool, multiple operational tools, and even create new ones, learn to operate these tools to survive in this increasingly resource-scarce world.

Actually, I once had a dream of becoming a mathematician. It's just that this mathematician dream that I have worked hard for more than 20 years is just because of an ordinary exam in my memory, which inadvertently blew away.

I can't blame anyone, I don't want to attribute it to anyone else, I just want to say it without any emotion, and I can only vent all my anger on the child who died in the dream. Looking at the smiling little boy in the dream, he pushed him down the wall again in the dream, and the soul completed a ritual metamorphosis, but was unwilling to take off the childish skin.

In my dreams, all self-seeking is a variety of ways to regenerate oneself. For example, drowning, in the ever-changing and unpredictable time and space, there is no trace of dawn, passing through the memory black hole, thus opening the password of time and space.

And what is this password? Only those who have experienced it have the courage to know.