When I was in eighth grade, I couldn't remember what triggered me to be unable to write a diary, so I lit a fire in the backyard and burned the diary.

All I remember was the second half of seventh grade, and I burned my letters with a pen pal in my class, as well as my journal.

This behavior directly caused my memory to be confused, and when I think of the diary, I will see tears of sadness when I burned the diary.

I didn't want to think about it anymore, and when I wrote my diary, I was so sad that I couldn't write anything. It's been a long time, and I can't remember anything. Including why you burn your diary.

Until the day of the eighth grade graduation and receiving the report card, I met a female teacher, she stopped our classmates who were about to walk out of the classroom, and started her speech impassionedly: "Wait a minute, I will be your ninth-grade homeroom teacher and Chinese teacher, the ninth-grade is also the previous junior high school, commonly known as the small college entrance examination, it is also a very important year in your life, this year determines the fate of many people whether to go to high school, as your ninth-grade homeroom teacher and Chinese teacher, I will give you a summer homework, Read two books, one is "Jane Eyre" and the other is "Camel Xiangzi", please write two reading notes carefully, when school starts, I will check..."

Then, it dawned on me that since I had already read both of these books in fourth grade, it made me feel very good. "Jane Eyre" I know that she is the representative work of a female writer Charlotte Frank, and I have had a lot of trouble remembering the name of this female writer. Then, I suddenly wanted to re-read Mr. Lao She's "Camel Xiangzi", because I only remember that when I finished reading this book, when I thought of Xiangzi, my heart was very depressed, but I couldn't remember what the book was about.

During the summer vacation when I graduated from eighth grade, I spent most of my time working in my family's fields, and at half past five in the morning, I started working in the fields until the sun began to warm up in the morning, about half past ten.

Then, go home to eat, take a nap, watch TV, and then go to the fields until 5 p.m. and go home after dark.

Then eat, wash, watch TV, go to bed tiredly, wait for the next day in your sleep, and continue to repeat such a day.

As the years go by, the people in the family are slowly traveling far away one by one. Those who have not traveled far follow the growth of corn, intersect seedlings in ten acres of land, weed and loosen the soil, apply chemical fertilizers, and compel the soil one by one.

In fact, I was like this for almost the entire summer vacation of my elementary school and junior high school years, but later, when there were fewer people in my family, less and less land, and more and more free days, I would be at a loss.

Such a regular summer vacation life, under the leadership of my mother, I am often busy with the work in my own field, and I have to see if the work in the field of Aunt Donggou's house is finished, if not, I have to help with the work.

My mother often said: "When you were young, your aunts didn't even give us a piece of foreshadowing, it was your aunt who helped our family, and we should repay our kindness ......"

This kind of moral kidnapping can still make me grateful when I was in elementary school, and after adolescence, I began to feel unbalanced.

On the one hand, I have my own opinion, and I will never fully agree with my mother's point of view. After all, our family has always been a poor relative in the mouths of others, and it has never changed.

On the other hand, the main thing is that the heart can't afford it. The debt of kindness is not paid, unless it is like Nezha. And the giving and reciprocating of this kind of affection will only become more frequent and thicker over time.

And we were really physically and mentally exhausted after doing the work in the fields every day during the whole summer vacation.

My two older sisters left home to go to school, and the summer vacation was basically relieved, while my mother, my brother and I had a heavier burden.

When my brother became obsessed with e-books on his phone, he protested against manual work. When I started to work, I did it hastily, or I just didn't do it.

Mom also knew that it was hard, so she would occasionally allow him to speculate once or twice, until one time, my mother asked us to go to my aunt's house to help, and my brother began to skip meals, lie in bed, play with his mobile phone and sleep in protest.

In fact, such a continuous life is boring and boring. I also want to protest, at least let me take a day off before I go.

However, my mother disagreed, and her authority and parental style had made her accustomed to communicating with us in her own way of moral kidnapping, so that we could be obedient and work hard.

But I didn't realize that we had grown up, and we began to feel our own judgment and thoughts, and we were not the little children who had always listened to her in her heart. I also listened to her, not because I agreed, but just to keep her from feeling sad and betrayed.

When I was in elementary school, until the fourth grade, I didn't have a summer vacation homework book, and I never had to complete my summer homework. Since I started to buy books at school and have summer vacation homework books, my inner burden has also become heavier, and I have not developed the habit of reading Chinese, mathematics, English books and writing homework throughout the summer vacation. So, in those years, I protested by not writing my summer homework, but no one found out.

Summer vacation homework and labor can't be both, just as a fish and bear's paw can't have both. For many years, the registration for the beginning of the school year, and the summer vacation homework were all copied on the last day to copy the answers or not bother to copy at all, let alone read it carefully, and the two or three pages were drawn and fished in troubled waters, and handed over to the teacher empty.

If you look at a book occasionally, it will only be some literature, popular best-selling storybooks.

That year, after we graduated from the eighth grade, the ninth grade started to go in a month early to study state make-up classes, but I couldn't remember anything.

Then, one day, I asked Wu Yang, "Who was our homeroom teacher in the second year of junior high school?" ”

Wu Yang said: "Li Jian"

"What kind of class is he our teacher?" I still haven't remembered.

"Physical education class!" Wu Yang said in surprise.

"Why are you so weird and suddenly asking such a strange question." Then she asked, "Have you forgotten?" ”

I didn't speak, in fact, I knew very well that I had really forgotten.

"You've always been weird, though." Wu Yang seems to be saying it to me again, and he is also saying it to himself.

"What's wrong? What's wrong with me? "At that time, I didn't know what Wu Yang was talking about because I couldn't remember anything.

"You always say some strange things, for example, how good Mr. MBW is to you, I once asked you, why don't you talk to him, since you said, I don't like people to be nice to me." Wu Yang explained.

My gaze widened for a moment, and it dawned on me that I had indeed said it, and why I had said it, but that it had not been mixed with any emotion when I had extracted it from my brain.

I suddenly remembered that the WBM teacher used to spend a few minutes calling a student out to talk after a Chinese class, and after calling me out of the classroom, he would tell me, "Be confident", "Be enthusiastic about answering questions", "Why don't you speak?" "What difficulties have you encountered", "The teacher can help you...... Good things like that.

As the old saying goes: "Helping the poor is not helping the poor", poverty has long limited my imagination. My brain remembers these kinds of good words like a receiver, and seems to establish a different neural link to each sentence, and these wrong words are connected with behavior, such as I think I am confident, silence is gold and a kind of confidence; I want to be different from others, and being maverick is also a kind of self-confidence; I can't speak because I believe that silence is golden...... Instead of seeking to change oneself and adapt to the environment.

I suppressed my emotions and stopped expressing my needs, even forgetting that I needed to learn how to speak, how to adapt to the environment, how to express my needs correctly.

At a certain moment, it seems that I can understand everything and that other people's words are right, but I will only not speak, quietly read, write homework, listen to lectures, take exams, and cannot respond to such kind words in a familiar environment, or I subconsciously think that silence is my reaction.

Occasionally, I keep a diary, just thinking without emotion, just keeping a journal. But the journal is not what I wanted...... Then, I hated journaling even more.

Although the teachers say, "Celebrities have the habit of keeping a diary, and the diary is a kind of reflection and summary".

But I can't get out of this loop. Eventually, the idea came to destroy the habit.

At the same time, for a long time, in addition to literary books, you can also read them in your head, and other literary books also seem to be the faster you put them in your brain, the faster you forget.

Ever since I read Han Han's New Concept essay in Grade 7, I have shown great interest and curiosity about New Concept and the magazine Sprout. But reading these books, I can't find a way to solve my problems of survival and life.

When a person lives in a barren place, his vision becomes narrow and slow, and even the days of suffering become long and boundless. I expressed my face blindness to the Korean Oba Kawaii, which my peers liked, and my heart even more blind. This kind of face blindness and heart blindness later increased, and then had a cumulative explosive effect.

When I decided to live in my third year of high school, there was a chemical reaction that deteriorated.

In fact, philosophy books also say that the accumulation of good behavior experience will cause good results, and the accumulation of bad behavior experience will cause objects to change their own properties to adapt to the environment, which is a process of metamorphosis. For example, a pumpkin that grows in a metal ring will become inedible inside.

Then throughout ninth grade, I started slowly searching for memory clues and wondered, what happened in eighth grade? And what good things happened that year.

Then, I remembered that I had been the deputy class president in the eighth grade, and I had won a "three good student" award, and after I got it, I was hung up and pulled a paragraph, and I secretly tore it to pieces.

But how did I become the deputy class leader? How to get a triple good student? I don't want to think about it.

When I was in the eighth grade, I was democratically voted by my classmates to be awarded the title of deputy class leader, and together with the class leader, I assisted the physical education teacher in managing the class, the class leader was responsible for classroom discipline management, and I was responsible for learning discipline management, such as assisting the teacher to count the completion of each student's homework in each subject.

Then, at the parent-teacher meeting, the statistical table is shown to the family members, so that the parents can really understand their children's learning performance in school, and privately help the class teacher to copy the responsibility letter for the phased teaching goals.

I vividly remember that at that time, I was not satisfied with the job that my teacher had arranged for me.

It's a simple job, but it's a tedious process. A major subject is taught every day, and the teacher will assign homework at least three times a week, and twenty-one times in two months. Two classes a week for an elective subject also requires at least seven assignments. At that time, there were more than 40 students in our class, and there were seven subjects: Chinese, Mathematics, English, Ideology and Morality, Politics, Physics, History, and Biology.

When one of my classmates finished one assignment after another, one homework book at a time, and drew orthography symbols, my patience was exhausted. However, I couldn't express myself, and I really didn't have patience. Then, I summed up an experience, for example, students who study well will basically hand in homework in every subject, and the probability of handing in homework in general elective courses that do not submit major homework is not very high. Quiet and well-behaved students generally dare not hand in their homework, and those who do not hand in their homework seriously are a few who like to make trouble in class......

Then, I began to randomly arrange according to each student's daily performance, and randomly asked which student missed a few times and did not turn in the homework. It's almost the same as one or two or three times per person, at most four or five times, and there are not many people who make trouble in class, see if you have handed in your homework, and then probably count how many times you have handed in your homework, and you have begged to be fooled.

This opportunistic way stems from the rebellion of the second disease in my heart, and there are also times when I don't want to write or hand in my homework, but I still finish my homework little by little.

At that time, I hesitated to read for a long time without protecting my eyes, and my eyes had already begun to protest, commonly known as pseudomyopia. I began to sit in the second row of the classroom and read vaguely, but I didn't want to speak.

At that time, Wu Yang's academic performance was better than mine, he was low, he had been sitting in the first row of the classroom, and he was also short-sighted. She wears glasses of more than 200 degrees, I secretly wore them once, and I can also see the blackboard very clearly.

However, I don't know how to talk to my mother, do I need to wear eyes when I am more than 200 degrees?

When the second sister was in her third year of junior high school, she told her parents that she couldn't see the blackboard clearly, and she was equipped with a pair of glasses, with one eye of more than 500 degrees and one eye of more than 700 degrees.

More than 200 degrees, do you need glasses? I don't think so. I can't see the blackboard clearly, but it's not that I can't see the blackboard, so many times, I just listen to the lecture and then read the book by myself, all because I have a good memory.

At that time, when I realized that my memory was not so reliable, my heart began to panic.