My math teacher, Zhao Guobao, died on the third day of school in 2015.

It is said that colleagues were drinking and driving home, and the co-driver threw out on the highway and fell to his death.

When Wu Yang told me, I was still an intern in the university library, and I was extremely shocked.

Now five years have passed, and it is the beginning of the school year.

When I was in junior high school, on the first day of school, he was the only one who could speak his heart, so I thought of him again.

I didn't attend his memorial service, I didn't write a word about him. Just listened to Wu Yang, Yuxiang didn't go, on the day of the memorial service, I went to many teachers and classmates, and after a while, it rained, and everyone dispersed.

I was sad, too, but at that time, my mind was too confused to know how else to write. Maybe it's too painful to remember, or forget it.

Death, for himself is nothingness. But for the living, how easy is it to fade and erase the mark of the person who was once there?

The person is gone, and the scene of the past is repeated day by day, but the memory of that person is no longer meaningful.

The beauty of the past has become false, and if it is repeated in the falsehood, it will go crazy. We can only continue if we are cruel to ourselves, to those who have passed away.

However, if you want to continue, if this sadness cannot be released through a window and accumulated in the subconscious, it will be a pain that may be touched all the time.

Only by releasing the soul can the soul be liberated, and it is also a reward for the kindness of the deceased.

In my memory, he is about 1.72 meters tall, with a pair of deep dimples hanging on his thin face, small eyes with single eyelids and shallow eye sockets. The speech is concise, to the point, and the hand-written good-looking board book, in class, my favorite sentence is, "This is really simple".

His right leg was O-shaped and his kneecap was tilted outward, and at that time, some classmates often speculated that his leg was left by polio, but he was quick and resolute.

When I was in my first year of junior high school, he was twenty-six or seventeen years old and unmarried. Throughout junior high school, I witnessed him getting married, having children, and his dreams.

I even remember the second semester of seventh grade, which was also the beginning of the school year, and his father passed away suddenly. That day, he was giving us a math class, and when he received a phone call, the expression on his face froze instantly, and it seemed that the air was not smooth, and the next second he choked up and said, "Study on your own first", and then left in a hurry.

I hadn't seen him for two weeks, and when I saw him again, he had a black cloth on his arm, and the word "filial piety" was printed on the black cloth.

For almost a month, with black circles under his eyes and a hoarse voice, he stood at the door of the classroom for self-study, smoking cigarettes one after another.

And deep down, that kind of childlike worry often makes me can't help but hold a book and ask him questions. He would go through it step by step and then remind me of the way to solve the problem.

At that moment, I could see the sadness on his face very closely. I longed to be a cloud on the horizon, to be able to dispel his sorrows when he looked at the sky.

I remember a lot of his stories, but I can't tell them anything. It's not because it's been a long time, but because I understand too little, but I believe in the reincarnation of cause and effect, which is a bit sad.

Because I can't tell his life.

I can only sigh the fragility of life and awaken my heart to cherish.

Maybe attachment is also a kind of harm. I hurt others, but I also hurt myself.

It reminds me of Yuxiang.

When I met Yuka, it was in the third grade. Although she had a long scar on the left wing of her nose, it still couldn't hide her radiant face.

She has double eyelids, big eyes, long eyelashes, a beautiful whirlpool ponytail, a high nose bridge, and red lips slightly upturned, everything is natural. And the scar, from the left wing of her nose to the laughing nest, actually blended with her hearty smile, adding a sense of pity out of thin air.

At that time, her family moved from other places to our village. She has her own set of rhetoric for her age. She said that her household registration belonged to horses, but in fact she was a monkey herself. But she does have a monkey-like heart, which is rare among us in the same age.

I feel guilty about her. It was in the second semester of the third grade, and I remember a time when I took the AB paper test in class, and the same table exchanged test papers for grading, and she scored a full score in mathematics and was highly praised by the teacher.

She may be too pretty, proud, and jealous, and I may have some jealousy.

Many female classmates didn't believe her, and checked her test papers one by one to see if there were any wrong questions, but the result was no.

And because my mother didn't give me the money to buy the test papers, I copied the test questions for a long time, and I began to feel weak in my heart, and I felt excluded by many classmates in the class. My new tablemate, even though she didn't study well, would feel that I was influencing her test, and at some point, my psychology began to change, and I became a pleaser.

When many female students took out the test paper from her desk pocket and put it back in, another girl and I took out her test paper again, I picked up the pen and changed a thousand words to the number "4", and then the other girl went to call the other students to come and check it, pointed out the correction error, and chattered and discussed......

What the hell they were discussing, their memories began to blur, and they didn't seem to want to think about it anymore.

I remember, I walked away because my face was hot and hot.

Such a common-sense mistake was seen through by Yuxiang at a glance. Yuka told the teacher and scolded me, but I was ashamed and didn't say a word, just my face was hot.

The teacher didn't reproach me, she just didn't talk to me with a warm smile anymore. Because another girl became an informer. Then, I became the culprit. After this incident, I began to have low self-esteem, and I was completely excluded by the female classmates in the class. So, for a long time, I indulged myself only in the literature of my sisters.

When I signed up for the sixth grade, Yuxiang didn't have a summer vacation workbook. She told her teachers and classmates that she had forgotten her hometown. In fact, because her father was seriously ill, her mother had no money to buy it for her. Everyone knew it, but she just cried and said that she had forgotten in her hometown.

She often behaved like this, and she was ostracized. There were no classmates in the class who went to and from school with her and played with her.

At that time, Wu Yang and I established a deep friendship, and because I felt guilty, I often invited her to go to and from school and play together. The three of us became very good friends.

When I was in seventh grade, Yuxiang and Wu Yang were in the same class, and I was in the sixth class. It made me sad for a while, but growing up is just getting used to it, and I'm used to it. Fortunately, when I was in the eighth grade, I was in the same class with Wu Yang again, and Yuxiang entered Mr. Zhao Guobao's class.

Yuxiang's naturally beautiful appearance, monkey-like flexible temperament, unconventional dress, cheerful smile, and fickle tongue often make me feel inferior, and I rarely go to and from school with her and play together.

But she is very popular with her teachers and classmates in her grade, and her school days are always sunny and happy.

However, I later realized that her vigorous and cheerful and outgoing love of making friends may only cover up the damage caused to her heart by her father's serious illness and her mother's hard work and poor life.

When she was in the third year of junior high school, her father died, and Wu Yang and I went to her house together. It seems that their family is not treated well by the villagers, the earthen walled house, in front of the old wooden door, and the narrow mourning hall, are desolate and desolate, only a few people on the team to help without delay, and sent her father away that day.

That year, Yuxiang was not admitted to high school, and she would say that she had no intention of studying because of her father's death, and she did poorly in all the exams. And so it was, and everybody believed it.

Our teacher Zhao is also convinced.

In order for Yuxiang to go to high school, he went to Yuxiang's house, talked with her mother for a long time, and persuaded Yuxiang's mother to let Yuxiang go to school.

He even found the school for Yuxiang, begged the school to give her free tuition, and even paid for Yuxiang to attend the second key class of high school.

People who are persistent are sometimes hurt more, both for adults and for children.

And that year, in the mouths of the villagers, I heard another fragrance.

After graduating from junior high school, Yuxiang stole her mother's money, and under the pretext of wanting to relax, she went to her hometown to play with Yuxuan's rich classmates in the village.

I heard that in her hometown, in the summer, the mosquitoes the size of red spiders bit several delicate female classmates. In the impoverished ravine, in the rainy season, on the muddy road, all of a sudden, the female classmates all shouted to come back. But she herself didn't dare to go home, and stayed in her hometown for half a month before being called back by her mother.

And her mother, who worked hard in the nearby military academy, went out early and returned late to wash dishes in the cafeteria, and one person could not get 900 yuan a month to support three school-going children, and treated her husband who was injured in a fall while working, and she had been struggling for seven or eight years, but her husband was still gone......

During the summer vacation of my freshman year of high school, Yuxiang's mother came to my house, hoping to let Yuxiang enter the first key class through my aunt's relationship.

Her mother said: "I heard Yuxiang say that you were not admitted to the first key class, and your cousin taught the first key class. ”

When I heard this, I was angry and said, "I scored 440 points in the exam, why can't I get into the key class." ”

I remember that in the year of junior high school, the admission score of the eighth middle and high school was 298 points, and if I scored 450 points in the exam, I could enjoy free tuition, and I felt guilty for a long time. The admission score of the second middle and high school is 475 points, but Wu Yang is three points short of being admitted. As for how much Yuxiang took the test, she didn't tell me, and I don't know.

Her mother smiled awkwardly and said, "I'll just say it, and Yuxiang will talk nonsense to me again." ”

"Don't be surprised, for the sake of your relationship with Yuxiang's good friends, can you let Yuxiang enter the first key class."

Usually I don't even know how to answer such questions. Because I know very well that the relationship between adults is very complicated, children should not interject, and do not care, just be yourself.

Then, my mother next to me said, "Our family has a normal relationship with her aunt, and we can't speak." ”

……

……

In fact, my family has been poor for decades, and poverty has long made my mother accustomed to being rejected and rejected by others. In the same way, I got used to it subtly.

Later, throughout high school, on the three-kilometer commute to and from school, I never walked with Yuxiang again. I don't feel sad when I hear her say how good I was once with her, and I abandoned her, because of something like that.

In the process of growing up, we can't control others, just be ourselves. May we all have our own lives, our own happiness, and true happiness.

After the third year of high school, Wu Yang was admitted to university, and I chose to repeat my studies, and there was no news of Yuxiang, and we have never seen each other since.