When my conscious and subconscious minds are reversed, I begin to lose the distinction between myself and the real and imaginary worlds.

Throughout the summer, in fact, I didn't tell my parents, "I don't want to go to school anymore!" If I hadn't said it, I would have forgotten it in my head as if it hadn't happened, but I haunted it.

I can't figure out why I don't want to go to school anymore, and I can't figure out what I can do if I don't go to school. I can't even answer why I used to love reading so much, but why I couldn't fit my brain into a textbook......

When I was fifteen years old, I didn't know what confusion was, but I simply wanted an answer to every question. However, poverty or the lack of technology to the point where you can carry a mobile phone with you to find the answer, you are deeply confused. The famous writer Yang Ying once said: "Young people are confused because they read too little and think too much." ”

I think this sentence is suitable to sum up my fifteen-year-old head, and it is no longer suitable for today's young people who are technologically advanced and technologically advanced.

Books are just the carrier of words (thinking), and if reading is limited to memorizing the words in the book, then it is still the words in the book, but it is just a change of storage space. And we're just a porter.

Only books that have been thought about with our hearts can be turned into our flesh and tear apart the chaos in our lives for us.

Once, the books that I had read by heart were repeatedly washed by the soul day and night before they could reveal their true colors. And what was not spoken in the past, in the future, will not be spoken, what has not been done in the past, will not be delusional in the future, and what has not yet come in the future will not be guessed, just live in the present, do not solve the problem "now", but strive to change the "now".

After the summer vacation of my third year of junior high school, I chose to go to high school. A friend of mine, Liu Camellia's father, refused to let her stop studying, so she learned to barber at a barber shop near her home.

I had a night in high school when I didn't want to go to class and didn't know where to go, so I found her. At that time, she was still a hair salon girl who had just interned for less than three months. There is no salary and no freedom.

Her home is near the university, near our high school, and on the central axis of the town. According to her, her father was a gardener, and the family had four girls, and after her mother gave birth to her, her health was weak, and she later died of an incurable disease. The four sisters have been carefully cared for by their aunt since childhood. The family built a four-storey house for rent.

I have been to Liu Camellia's house only twice, the material conditions and educational environment of the home are very good, the first floor of the room is very classical, the popular Chinese and European decoration in the last century, the living room has a scholarly family door plaque, a layer is covered with three floors, are the standard configuration of the people's travel, but the floor is too high, so that the yard can not see the sun for many years.

Everything else is just heard. The three elder sisters also have good academic performance, especially her third sister is less than two years older than her, and she is the best in the self-improvement class of the second middle school.

She left school, not because of poor family conditions, but also because of her poor academic performance. But I think it's a kind of filial piety that she doesn't study well. Because her father thinks that three girls have already gone to school, the eldest sister has flown to the south like a wild goose, and the second sister also wants to fly south, and the water splashed by the girl who flew out cannot recover the cost.

This really hurt the old father's feelings of cultivating flowers for the country, and the lonely old father felt that it was useless to educate girls to go to school and read as many books as they could, but he regretted it too late. In order to prevent the four girls from going to school and marrying far away, Liu Camellia's father is unwilling to let her go to school, so what about being a hair salon girl? At least you have to think about it for yourself, leave a girl at home, don't ask her to retire for the elderly, just say that you can talk, cook and chat with you.

Camellia Liu was also very sad at first when she left school, and in my eyes, it was as sad as when I had to go to school. Because I have the same heart as her, I can't read books, I love to daydream, and I feel a little guilty in my heart because I didn't become a supergirl who saved the universe.

This reminds me of knowing her, which originated from a youth campus idol novel. When she was in the third year of junior high school, she would like to read quietly after class, and I was curious about what books she read. Then I couldn't help but walk up to her and ask cautiously, "What book are you reading?" ”

"Blind look, a youth idol bubble novel." She raised her head, like an eldest sister who had been trained in a sea of books, with a beam of light flashing in her eyes, summing up the fate of a book.

This surprised me and made me even more curious, staring at her without saying a word. She couldn't help but say, "Do you want to see it?" I nodded happily.

"Okay, you can take it and see it first! I'm just going to read other books." As she spoke, she pulled another magazine out of her desk pocket.

That was the only youth campus idol novel I had read seriously in my entire junior high school days. Later, our homeroom teacher and Chinese teacher summed up a sentence, called the brain-dead drama brain-dead party's brain-dead fan's loving lifestyle.

I don't remember the title anymore, but the content is impressive. You can talk about it, about a rich and noble boy who can't wake up in class every day, but is second in the exam, his eyes are like cream bread poking two holes in the chic and elegant little handsome guy, and he is secretly in love with a cute girl who is outgoing, enthusiastic, kind, and beautiful and is pursued by the male number one's brainless fan, and a twists and turns of the campus love story that happened. In terms of the current literary market, existence is reasonable.

So, many times, I try to persuade myself not to dwell too much on the past, because Schopenhauer said, "To exist is to be reasonable." "After all, the back waves of the Yangtze River push the front waves, and there are no people who push down the beach.

However, Liu Camellia didn't think so, she felt that the novel was not good at all, so she couldn't help but want to make up a story of campus youth struggle by herself. Then, she started a lobby organizer to bring together female classmates who liked the same type of story and start writing stories.

She played the first stop, made the draft, and made up the story. Several other female classmates continued to edit and revise her beginning. Because I read too much, my brain was starched, and I was not good at making up stories, only responsible for revision, and in the end, the beginning of a half-finished story was miraculously completed.

Once, her brilliant literary production was discovered by my Chinese teacher, and she was praised. However, in the last round of revisions, I felt that what they wrote was much more childish than what I had read, and that it was too difficult to revise. I felt disgusted in my heart.

The ninth grade is a small college entrance examination, students still have to focus on grades, and if the academic performance in the exam is poor, the articles written will only mislead younger students, and they will have to daydream about literary production, which is not realistic. As a result, Liu Camellia's dream of literary production was easily overturned by me.

When I was a freshman in high school, I woke up one night of self-study. I bought a book and gave it to her, wanting to continue to talk to her about literary production, but she told me a truth: "We are all naïve, and literary production at that time was just a naïve school game!" ”

Later, when I looked for her again, it was in the summer vacation of the year I was admitted to university, and I wanted to go on a night plane. Ask her if she has time to be together!

She said: "Why are you still so naïve, what kind of night machine are you on now, your skin will become bad if you stay up late, and there is a waste of mask maintenance." The eyes are the same as the panda's eyes, what's so funny. ”

I couldn't stand my stubborn temperament, she played with me all afternoon, she watched games, played four shortcuts, and danced hip-hop. And I watched TV series, played with hand marks, and danced on the screen.

In the end, she couldn't bear the boredom and dragged me to her house, but I didn't want to go home, I just wanted to stay in the Internet café and be accompanied by someone for the night. She opened a room for me in the standard room of the hostel on the second floor and said, "Sleep, the Internet is not interesting at all......

That night, we talked for a long time. More of a thing, her story in the hair salon.

She told me something that she would never forget, and which I would never forget. Once, the teacher who praised her for her good writing went to her shop, and it happened to be her haircut. There weren't many in her shop that day, other barbershops cost three dollars and five cents for a haircut, and they only charge three dollars in the shop, and she recognized the teacher, but she didn't say anything, and gave her a haircut, and charged three dollars and five cents. She said, "I don't know if the teacher still remembers her, I don't dare to call it, the people in the hair salon make fun of each other every day, I don't want to disappoint the teacher who praised her before, because I am just a hair salon girl, I live up to the knowledge taught by the teacher in my heart, and I am afraid that the teacher will say that I will return the knowledge handed over by the teacher to the teacher." ”

In fact, when I was a sophomore in high school, I heard another version of the story, the story of five cents.

The story is mainly about my teacher's well-intentioned and painstaking words to tell us the truth of being a human being, a very embarrassing thing that happened to her.

She once heard that a barber shop is five cents cheaper than other places, and the haircut is not bad, so she went to that shop for a haircut, but she didn't expect to meet a female student who had taught before. The schoolgirl thought she didn't recognize her, so she was embarrassed to pretend she didn't know.

Later, she was even more embarrassed and didn't even ask how much money she had for a haircut, and gave three yuan and five cents.

In the end, she said with emotion: "In order to save five cents, I got a haircut that was tormented in my heart, and it was like going to the execution ground." ”

Adults have the helplessness of adults, and children have the sorrow of children. Some people miss some things or miss them, friends who haven't grown up together, they like to hide their pain, but we don't know how to say it. But those wounds are not allowed to be touched by anyone. That night, I didn't know how to speak, I didn't know how to talk to her anymore, and we weren't on the same channel after all, and we couldn't share on the same screen.

Now, many years later, I realized that I had fallen into a deep self-blame for not playing the game of literary production when she liked literary production.