After graduating from the ninth grade, I completed the last course and completed the mission of submitting papers early and graduating from compulsory education. Carrying his schoolbag, he walked out of the classroom with great pride and pride.

Walking out of the examination room, a burst of joy in my heart began to be lonely again, mixed with emotions but not clear. Originally, the shoulder bag that an eldest sister eliminated was worn cross-body on her shoulder, bulging and stuffed with textbooks, but because she was overwhelmed, she ripped off her strap. I had no choice but to hold my schoolbag and step on my books, anxiously standing not far from the school gate and waiting for the gate to open.

In 2007, the history class of the ideological and political class began to implement open-book exams, and our class was considered to be a lucky and happy experimental duck.

At that time, our school did not allow make-up classes for compulsory education, and in order to improve the quality of high school students, in line with a responsible and serious teaching attitude, strict discipline in the examination room, and discouraged early submission of papers.

However, the learning style of the whole school is too poor, and very few junior high schools are admitted to the high school of the second middle school in the county every year, and the students who are admitted to undergraduate colleges and universities in the high school are more than one hand. During the exam, there were two teachers who walked out of the examination room, and at the east exit of the school gate, there were six polite male teachers.

This scene, in my eyes, is like a tightly guarded cage, but in the eyes of my best friend Wu Yang, it is a beautiful and responsible scenery.

Cousin F is among them, and he is still a sunny big boy in my heart. That day, he was wearing a white shirt, his dark skin, which was exceptionally shiny in the sun, and he looked at me with a smile from a long distance. I could even feel the sweat on his face, and the embarrassed smile evaded his gaze.

When Wu Yang handed in the paper and caught up with me, he smiled and chattered: "I also finished the paper, the invigilator is a history teacher in the first year of junior high school, and he has been staring at me, I am embarrassed to hand in the paper in advance......."

I know this feeling very well. But I was disgusted in my heart, being an excellent student is so troublesome, I don't even dare to do what I want to do. But in my heart, I am not satisfied with myself, why can't I sit in the classroom peacefully and quietly, wait for the moment when the bell rings, and wait for the last exam to be handed in? And I won't be embarrassed to stand on campus with my schoolbag and books, and I haven't walked out of the school gate for half an hour.

Waiting is the tormented heart, warming and cooling again and again, and reaching a warm and hot balance.

I began to get tired of the word "going to school", it seemed that the life of poverty, the barren heart, through the campus study, became more and more poor and barren.

Nine years of compulsory education has not changed anything for me. I am just a copper pea that is not steamed, cooked, hammered, fried, or exploded. Deep down, I began to deny the hard work and patience in school, and began to torture the soul, what is the meaning of life?

Growing up to the age of fifteen, life has only taught me hard work and a knife in my heart, and it is only when I immerse myself in literature that I realize that there is something different about the outside world.

I also began to envy the second sister, who was quick and decisive in doing things, and knew what she wanted, so she could pursue it. I began to regret what I had said to my second sister, such as "What can I do if I don't go to school......

Then, I had a little calculation in my heart, how to discuss with my parents that I would "not go to school".

It seems that since childhood, I have created an image of a good girl who is silent and loves to learn in the hearts of my parents, and how to deal with myself after pushing this image. And what is the meaning of floating without roots in society?

I remembered another friend of mine, Ah Hua, who stopped going to school in the third year of junior high school. I was serving dishes and washing dishes in the cafeteria, doing all the work I could, and when I came back, I was also red lips, my hair was draped, and I wore jeans, which caused a ripple in the depths of my soul.

When the bell rang, I strode out of the school gate, without talking to anyone, and climbed straight up the 37-degree slope.

On the way, Wu Yang kept talking to me, and she chatted with me endlessly about the questions on the exam papers. And I shamefully thought about how I was going to talk to my dad about what I didn't want to go to school during the summer vacation.

Even on a sunny day, the head is like a sunflower disc facing the sun, but the heart is left in the shadow of the sun. I just want to be a listener of life, and I haven't even prepared a word for it.

During the summer vacation of that year, I also read a book, which was still the book that my second sister brought home, a book with a light yellow hard cover, called "Parchment Scroll", which was a collection of eleven books. It was a book of spiritual food that my soul craved, reactivating my red blood cells and igniting my soul's blood-boiling thirst for the outside world.

During the long summer vacation, every morning, still under the urging of my mother, I got up at half past five and went to the field with a hoe to do farm work. Corn seedlings grow rapidly, summer sunshine and rain are abundant, the festival time is the same day by day, it is necessary to quickly thin the seedlings, weed and roll the soil, fertilize and then roll the soil, before the tidbit period, complete these processes. And I spent the whole summer in the field, watching them every day, growing densely and day by day, from the height of my waist, to the point that I could not look up at the blue sky, only the corn tidbits that emerged.

Before the results of the high school entrance examination came out, Wu Yang took the Shaanxi Daily that her father bought and asked me for the results. However, I had a vague memory of all the multiple-choice questions I did on the exam and couldn't remember any clues. Wu Yang's serious estimate score is about 470 points. And I estimated the score according to her, but I casually estimated a score of 460 points and told my family. Later, she missed the second middle school by three points, and I was ten points short of enjoying free tuition to go to the eighth middle school.

The homeroom teacher of the fourth grade came to my house for the first time, but she came to inquire about my high school entrance examination results, and I was very troubled about this matter. Her appearance brought back some unbearable memories of my past, although she just wanted to know about my high school entrance examination results out of good intentions.

But I no longer have the enthusiasm and innocence I had for her, and I answered coldly and coldly. In order to warm up the atmosphere, my mother greeted the teacher and me with a smile on her face, and counted the kindness of the teacher to me back then, such as giving me clothes and shoes. But I can't forget her kindness, but at the same time, I can't forget the indifference I suffered for a long time in my heart.

After I started thinking that I didn't want to go to school, this cheap and stinging concern unveiled the dark seeds in my heart, and made me start to reject all good intentions that would not last long.

As Tong Gu Cheng's poem "Avoid" says: "You don't want to plant flowers." You say, I don't want to see it, little by little. Yes, in order to avoid the end, you avoid the beginning of everything. ”

I'm no longer naïve, it's hard to think about it anymore, she's just there to care about me. Because when she left, she showed her true intention. Talking about contracting a canteen in a university cafeteria, she wanted me to help her ask Yuxiang if she would like to work in her canteen, Yuxiang's father had just died, and everyone in the village knew about it.

The beautiful appearance of the language is particularly eye-catching. His academic performance is not satisfactory, but he has a good image and good temperament, and he is good at talking.

The three sisters and brothers in the family rely on a mother who gets up early and is greedy for darkness, which is really pitiful. It seems that everyone takes it for granted that Yuka should leave school and take on the burden of supporting the family for her mother. After all, Yuka is the eldest daughter, after all, someone has to leave school and carry some heavy burdens for their mother.

In this world, there is probably only Yu Xiang who doesn't take it for granted. Because I thought so too, and then stupidly asked Yuxiang for her, and Yuxiang said to me, "That woman has already been to my house that night, and my mother refused." Then, I hesitantly called back to the fourth-grade homeroom teacher: "Yuxiang doesn't want to go, and I don't want to go to school anymore, can I go?" ”

My teacher politely told me that I couldn't, and I felt guilty and hated myself, as if I wanted to do a job of serving dishes and washing dishes in the cafeteria, but my former teacher didn't think of me.

Therefore, I want to tell my baby that the milk is soft and cute, so that she understands that she does not need to be wronged to understand the kindness of adults. Some adults just hate it, and as children, you have to learn to say to adults, "No! ”。

At that time, my mother was like a white wall in my heart, blocking all the truths I wanted to say and my longing for the better world outside. But how I longed to get out of the cold white walls and fly south like a wild goose in search of a warm habitat. Therefore, in her heart, I always looked like a white-eyed wolf.

There is nothing to justify, and I will no longer defend it. If my mom says I'm a "white-eyed wolf," then I'll say, "I'm a wolf you raised for nothing," so what? ”

I'm tired of defending myself, so I don't easily accept anyone's cheap kindness, and I don't easily get moved by cheap kindness, but if I do, I will feel a little anger in my heart. But my mom is still my mom, and I couldn't choose in the past. In the future, whether to become a "white wolf" in my mother's mouth is up to me to decide whether or not to be my mother.

Later, I figured out that it is better to be a "white wolf" as my mother said, and to go alone and lonely than to raise yourself into a pig who is "crazy" in the greenhouse!

In order to support the family, my father rarely came home once a month. In my spare time, I finished reading the "Parchment Scroll", which was compiled from a collection of eleven books, and my mind began to think about it again, and this kind of cranky thinking was washed by the soul, and finally I remembered only one sentence and one question.

A person's greatest strength is the power of inner choice. It was this sentence written on the title page that lit the beacon of my whole life, so that I would not fall into the chaos of life of material deprivation and spiritual deprivation, and it split the constant chaos of my life for me.

Another question is why the parchment, which was supposed to be a twelve-book book, is listed at the top of the list of the Bible, which tells the story of Jesus.

Who is Jesus? Why was it listed as the first book by the powerful book "The Parchment", but why did my heart resist it?

When I had the opportunity to get my hands on this book, I couldn't help but be curious to stuff it into my head and turn it into my spiritual food.

I know something about the Bible. From a young age, it flourished in the village. At first, a foot-bound doctor from our village came to our house to recite and preach to my mother, threatening to save her soul. I was intimidated by my innocent and arrogant words at the age of eight.

However, when my third aunt believed in Jesus and started worshipping, she insisted on going her own way, and she was reluctant to worship her ancestors on Qingming Festival. During the New Year's holidays, I always argued with my father who believed in Buddhism, the aunt who believed in Bodhisattva, the uncle who believed in socialism, and the second aunt who believed in realism.

Because the second aunt has a better family background than the other brothers and sisters, she can often overwhelm the other sisters and brothers in terms of momentum. But she only believes in real life, and nothing else. In my childhood, it was a particularly interesting thing to listen to them argue. But they never seem to enjoy the process, but they remain silent and firm in their beliefs.

When I was a child, my third aunt adhered to God's will and came to my house three times and twice to recite and preach, saying, "The soul of my brother and daughter-in-law has been saved." ”

The third aunt persevered in telling the stories in the Bible and singing the songs that the church had learned, and then I inevitably heard the stories of Noah's Ark, God's creation of man, Adam and Eve, Paradise Lost, the salvation of the blind, and so on.

Despite my extreme resistance. But I'm still curious about the story told by the third aunt. I think these are just like the stories I have read about "The Fairy Tale of Lovers" or "Grimm's Fairy Tales" or "One Thousand and One Nights", and if not, they are similar to "The Story of China's Five Thousand Years".

But the third aunt became more and more magical. For example, he talked about the girl's prayer after she believed in Jesus. God blessed her and got her into a good university. Even trying to convince me to believe in Jesus that my soul needed to be saved, that started to make me suspicious, and I left a shriveled seed deep inside me. When I can't change the transcript I desire, there's no harm in believing in God once.

Therefore, anyone who claims to be a Taoist friend who wants to save my mother's soul, I generally don't want to accept it.

But when I saw that the first book of the Parchment was actually the Bible. This kind of upside-down thinking confused my head, and for a while, my conscious and subconscious minds were also reversed.